VII:

She had just gotten Ree down for the night and cleaned up the kitchen from their adventures in cooking dinner – which had gone about as well as one would expect from the spray of sauce that had wound up on the wall – when there was a knock on the front door. Liv got her service piece from the safe and headed to the door. "Who is it?" she demanded.

"It's me – I tried to call, but you didn't answer," Rafael called through the door.

She put the safety back on and undid the chains and locks on the front door. "Don't scare me like that," she muttered, letting him in. "She's asleep – she had a field trip today to the Museum of Natural History and wore herself out."

"I didn't come to see Ree," he said softly. "Can we talk?"

Her heart immediately sank at those words. "Yeah," she said, maybe a little sullenly. "You want a drink or –"

"No, I'm fine. I left early tonight because – you know what, it doesn't matter why. Suffice it to say, I had dinner with mami and abuelita." He took a deep breath and then said, "I told them, Olivia. About us, about the fling… about Serenity."

She gestured for him to follow her into the living room, where she'd already laid out her bed linens on the sofa, anticipating an early night. Now it wasn't looking likely, and she didn't have the energy to be polite and clear them away. "Let me guess: it didn't go over well."

"My mother had a few choice words," he said. "Abuelita, on the other hand, is excited – she was just worried that I would never have the kind of joy that being a parent can bring…"

"Bless your grandmother," Liv sighed. "Your mom's probably pissed at me –"

"What? No. She's pissed at me. And I quote, 'Rafael Eduardo Barba, we raised you better than that – you take responsibility for that little girl right now, and you'd better start doing more for her mother or you'll answer to my foot up your…' and so on." He smiled awkwardly, looking away. "It's my fault, anyway. I walked away –"

"It was no-strings sex," she said. "I'm the one who decided to keep the pregnancy. Even now, if you wanted to, you could still walk away."

His head jerked up and he stared at her. "Why would I?"

"Because you don't want –"

"I do. I do want," he said. "I know I have some ways to go in convincing you yet –"

"It isn't me that you have to convince," she said. "It's our daughter you have to convince; you have to be the best you can be for her. I mean nothing in the bigger picture, Rafael."

"I need you to stop saying that," Rafael said softly, reaching out to gently take her hands in his. "I want to try to give this family thing a try. Mami, papi, and Serenity."

"You just don't get it, do you?" she asked. "I fuck up relationships. I fuck up everything I touch, Rafael. My own mother didn't want me – can you blame her? I reminded her every day of what that man did to her and why wouldn't I?" Liv was shaking, her words barely audible, her breath little more than a panicked, painful, ragged sound. "My friends think I'm just an object of pity – and then they turn their backs on me. So stop making promises. Just stop."

"Have you talked to anyone about this?" he asked. "A therapist or –"

"What happened to helping and not judging?" she snapped.

"That's what I'm trying to do."

"Well… not that it's any of your business, but I had everything relatively under control until you came back into my life and now – now I'm spiraling," she exclaimed, pulling her hands out of his grasp. "You think everything is so simple. It isn't."

"And you think everything is so complicated –"

"Isn't it?" She hated how small her voice sounded; at the precinct, she was a detective, she was in control, she held all the cards. But here, with him, she was on unstable ground and she didn't know where to step, where to shift her weight, how to even react.

"I've never had a romantic relationship work out in my favor – because I didn't make the effort to make it work," Rafael said with a heavy sigh. "Full disclosure, here: I went out with a girl in high school that dumped me for my best friend my sophomore year at Harvard, because I was getting too white for the barrio. I didn't really try to make anything work after that. Kind of casually dated people and didn't let anyone get too close. Then I met you and… you got under my skin even though it was just sex, and I had to get out of there before I let it get serious. And I regretted it every day." He sighed and muttered, "So I switched teams because I couldn't deal with letting another woman touch me after that."

She frowned. "You just… went for men?"

"I was never exclusively heterosexual, Olivia." He looked at her with a frown on his lips. "I'm sorry if that offends you –"

"It doesn't."

"It offends most people."

She shook her head. "I'm not most people." Olivia reached out and took his hand again. "I… well, my dating history is short and reads like a dead end road. Trevor was my big success, and he was a total failure, so… I guess you and I are perfect for each other. A couple of misfit losers who managed to make a baby despite the pill and a condom on an alcohol-fueled one-night-stand…"

He silenced her with a tender kiss. "Do you know what this is, Olivia?" Rafael asked softly. "The best thing that's ever happened to me. Better than getting into Harvard, better than passing the bar, better than taking the lateral transfer to Manhattan – I know you don't believe that, that you think I'm just blowing smoke, but it's the truth. And I'm going to work like hell to prove it to you and Serenity."

"I just need you to be there for her," she whispered.

"Siempre." He stared deep into her eyes. "And for you."

"I'm fine."

"That's what people say when they aren't fine."

"Well, I don't know what to do, what to say – what part of this situation is right or wrong or okay, if your mom thinks the worst of me now or –"

"She doesn't."

"And how do you know?"

"She would have come over and shouted at you already."

"Okay, well… point in my favor, then. But still –"

"The situation is fluid and there is no right or wrong," he said softly. "We have to find our own way, Olivia. And I want to find my way with you by my side – I can't do it alone. You've done it alone for so long, and you shouldn't have to any longer."

"You're trying to seduce me –"

"Is it working?"

"I'm too old and tired for that shit," she complained. "Your kid makes me tired."

"Speaking of tired… a one-bedroom walk-up without a doorman or a buzzer? What the hell were you thinking?"

She sighed heavily. "Oh there's the judgment," she muttered. "Look, I've had this place since I got out of college – it's rent stabilized, I haven't had to change units, management is glad of having a police presence in the building, and honestly, I'm fine with sleeping on the couch so Ree can have her own room. I've got a dresser in there for my clothes and it's fine. We make do, Rafael." She was trying not to sound defensive, but it was hard not to.

"I can get you two out of here, get you into a co-op where it will be better for the two of you –"

"You want to swoop in and drop money –"

"I want you to be able to breathe," he said earnestly. "When was the last time you didn't have to worry about whether or not you were going to be able to make it all work?"

She laughed bitterly. "Fine, Rafael. You can ride in on your white charger and play Prince Charming. I don't care. We're not moving, though. I'm not getting my hopes up: the last time a man tried to 'help' us, he ended up walking out on us instead. Once burned, twice shy."

"I'm not Trevor Langan, Olivia."

"And I'm not stupid," she whispered. "You aren't ready for this."

Olivia sat down with Serenity at the little kitchenette that she'd had since she'd rescued it from someone's garbage pile and shown it some love right out of college, and dished up some chocolate ice cream with a little bit of rainbow sprinkles. Ree's face lit up with excitement, and she said, "Ooooh, momma –"

"Baby, we need to talk," Liv said gently.

"What happened, momma?" Ree asked. "Did something bad happen? Do I have to go to a different school? Do we have to move?"

"No, baby – but…"

"Did you get fired from work?" Ree asked, her eyes wide. "You're not gonna be a policewoman no more?"

"Baby, calm down and let me talk," Olivia said, laughing nervously. "So… remember how I've always said your dad left before I could tell him about you so he didn't know you were on your way? So it's just been us two?"

"Yeah."

"Well… your dad came back into my life and he knows about you and wants to be a part of your life as your dad if you're willing to let him be," Liv said gently. "It's up to you. I don't want you to think that having a dad will make all the bad things go away –"

"Is my dad Mr. Rafi?" Ree asked.

Liv hesitated a moment, then dug her spoon into the ice cream, took a big bite and sighed. "Yeah, baby. How did you know?" she asked dejectedly.

"I didn't. I guessed. Does that make Miss Lucia my grandma?" Ree asked.

Liv nodded and ate another bite of ice cream. "I'm sorry, baby – I'm sorry you didn't have a family before now," she whispered.

"I've got you, Momma, and Uncle Munch and Uncle Fin and Uncle Nick and Abuela and Auntie Manda and Grandpa Don and Uncle Elliot and Aunt Kathy," Ree said, getting chocolate ice cream on her upper lip and a stubborn sprinkle at the side of her mouth. "And now I've got a daddy and a grandma if they want me."

"Of course they want you, sweetheart," Liv said softly. "Why wouldn't they want you? You're the best kidlet out there."

"But he left."

"Grown ups do things for silly reasons," Liv said. "Daddy and momma are trying really hard to talk things out so we can be the family you need, sweetheart. Until then, I need you to understand that Mr. Rafi doesn't have any kids but you and he doesn't know how to be a dad, so he's learning. That means you need to be on your best behavior and you need to show him that he's a good dad even if he makes mistakes. Because grown ups make mistakes, too."

"You make mistakes," Ree said sagely.

"I do," Liv agreed.

"You burneded the toast this morning."

"I did," Liv sighed.

"Momma?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Does he love me?"

"He does, sweetheart – so much." It was the only thing Liv was certain of: Rafael's sure, fierce love for his daughter.

"Is it too late to go see my daddy tonight, Momma?"

"I think he's still at work, baby," Olivia said softly. "Do you want me to call and see?"

"Please?" She couldn't avoid the pleading puppy eyes from her kid, so much like her father.

Liv got out her phone and dialed Rafael. "Hey – you still at the office?" she asked when he picked up and greeted her with just her name.

"Actually, I'm just leaving. Did you need something?" he asked.

"Ree wanted to see you, but I wasn't going to bother you if you were still working," Liv said. "But if you're on your way home, we can pick something up for you on our way over or something –"

"That's really not necessary," he said. "I've got something here. But if you want to come over, please do. You know you're always welcome."

Ree was watching Liv with interest and as soon as the conversation was over, she said, "Momma?"

"Wash your face, kidlet – we're going to your father's," Liv said gently. "Socks, shoes, jacket – it's chilly out."

They walked the three blocks to the subway station and then took the local subway line for four stops, and walked another two blocks to arrive at Rafael's building, only to get buzzed up by the doorman after a quick conversation with Rafael. He met them at the door nervously, only for Ree to fling her arms around him and say, "Hi, daddy."

He swallowed hard and looked up at Olivia with tears in his eyes, his hand dropping down into his daughter's hair. His voice strained as he whispered, "Hola, mi niña hermosa."

"What's that?" Serenity asked, eyes wide as she looked up at him.

"Hello, my beautiful little girl," he repeated in English, a thick chuckle in his voice.

"Oh," Ree said.

Liv smiled just a little. "She wanted to come see you," she said.

"I never had a dad before," Ree said quickly.

"I've never had a daughter before," Rafael replied. "We're going to have to figure this out together, aren't we?"

"Momma's gonna help," Ree insisted. "Momma's good at everything – except toast. She burneded the toast this morning. It was so gross. She even set off the smoke alarm."

"Ree –" Liv sighed.

Rafael glanced at her. "You didn't mention that earlier."

"I didn't mention coming in late because the fire department had to clear the floor of the building because I fucked up two pieces of sourdough? The embarrassment I had from my coworkers shaming me was enough," she muttered. "It's fine. No damage. Little miss got to school on time."

"Was it the toaster?" he asked. "Or the bread or –"

"I mean, I thought it was human error," she said as she followed him into the apartment, "but the fire chief told me after they inspected the toaster that the wiring was on the outs and it was actually not my fault and the damn thing could've just gone to shit at any time and taken the whole place. So… probably good thing I caught it when I did."

They were just about to step through into the living room when he turned around and pulled her into a hug. "Hey," he said softly, "it wasn't just the damn toast – it's you and Ree, too, okay?"

"I know," she whispered. "I know. But nothing actually happened." She hugged him back. "That's being a parent, Barba. You worry about everything. Everything."

"Momma, look at this house," Ree gasped. "It's so big – daddy, your house is so big!"

Rafael stifled a sad laugh. "Olivia, I'm sorry –"

"It's okay," she said softly. "I know she doesn't mean anything by it."

They went around the apartment and he showed Ree the kitchen, the living room, and his bedroom, then the office, where he had set up a twin sized bed along one wall and a small shelving unit that sat empty that he explained was for her clothes and toys if she ever came over for the night.

Ree's eyes widened, and she looked over at Olivia. "Momma?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"Can I stay here with daddy sometime?"

"We'll talk about it, but, yes," she said softly. "I want you and your daddy to have a good relationship and be happy together."

"What do daddies and daughters do?" Ree asked.

"They go to the park and the library and museums…" Rafael said.

"I do yoga," Ree said.

"I do not," Rafael replied.

"Oh." She paused. "Maybe you could come pick me up, though?"

"I could do that," he agreed.

Ree beamed up at him. "And then we can get a shwarma at the food truck."

He couldn't even keep a straight face after that. "I love you, kid," Rafael said, scooping her into his arms and giving her a kiss. "And I love your mom for taking such good care of you."

Liv closed her eyes and tried not to think about how good it felt to think that they could really be a family if she gave in to the urge to let him get close – and concentrated instead on focusing on what was best for Serenity instead of what was good for her.

Because Rafael Barba was very, very bad for her.

TBC...