VIII:

It was too quiet in the apartment. She'd actually gotten to go out with her squadmates after shift for a drink for once, since Rafael had volunteered to take Ree for the night, and now that she was back, it was just too damn lonely and quiet without her daughter's presence. Liv tried to study for a while – Cragen had submitted her to take the sergeant's exam at the next sitting – but it was just too quiet. She wanted to call and check on things, but she didn't want to be that mom, and she knew that Rafael wouldn't appreciate her hovering.

So, instead, she called the only other person she thought she might be able to swear to silence. "Fin?"

"Hey, 'sup, Liv? Something happen?" Fin asked worriedly. "You got home okay?"

"I'm fine, I'm just… I need a friend to talk to," she said quietly. "But I don't have very many of those."

"Barba's your friend, seems like."

She snorted. "Barba is not my friend. Barba is… a complication."

There was a long pause, then Fin said, almost eagerly, "Oh, I wanna hear this."

"What's said in this call stays in this call," Liv warned gravely. "I'll kick your ass, Fin."

"I'd like to see you try, little momma," he chuckled, "but I get your drift." Fin paused. "So, what's on your mind?"

Liv sat back on the sofa and said, "Ree is spending the night at her dad's tonight and I'm trying not to be that helicopter parent who calls and checks on her every hour."

There was a long pause, then he very cautiously said, "I didn't know that you were in touch with her dad, Liv."

"Yeah, it's a recent thing," she said. "They get on like a house on fire and they're really good for each other, so… I'm trying to be a good parent and let it play out."

"I assume you've had him checked out? No felonies or criminal record or –"

She exhaled heavily and muttered, "They generally frown on criminals working at the DA's office."

"Shit. It's Barba – "

"Didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out, did it?" she quipped wryly. "Long story short: we had a thing, went our separate ways, didn't think anything of it, I found out I was pregnant and along came Ree. And then he came back into my life and –"

"And he became a complication?"

"Yeah."

"But he obviously likes her and is trying to be a father to her, yeah?"

"Yeah," she sighed softly. "He asked if she could stay at his tonight and I didn't have the heart to say no, since it's Friday. So he picked her up from yoga and took her home with him. I don't know what they're doing or anything, and it's so quiet here and you know I worry –"

"You worry a lot," he acknowledged with a chuckle.

"Can you blame me?"

"Nah. But you've got to let this play out."

"What if…" She paused and swallowed hard. "Fin, what if he decides I'm a bad mother and tries to take her away?"

"He's not going to."

"How can you say that? We've known him a few weeks and –"

"You trust him enough to take your little girl home with him overnight. You trusted his mother with her. Liv, come on." Fin made an impatient noise on the other side of the line. "We tease you about him in the squadroom because he looks at you like you hung the damn moon, woman – and now I know why. You're his baby momma."

"I'm not his anything," she countered. "He wants to play family and it won't work because he's going to find someone better suited to what he wants – someone who can stay home and take care of things and make sure everything runs smoothly and… damn it, Fin, I just fuck shit up."

"If you're referring to jackass, he left you, not the other way around," he said. "And the fact that he even tried to crawl back after so long –"

"I didn't take him back," Liv said softly. "He's still my damn lawyer, though."

"Maybe you should find a different one: maybe Barba can recommend one?"

"I don't want to ask him." She drummed her fingertips on her thigh. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do. He wants to try to start a relationship but I don't want to hurt the bond he's forging with Ree because he and I break up or –"

"You're overcomplicating it."

"Am I?"

"Just a little."

She sighed. "I just don't want to –"

"Olivia… sometimes, we're so scared of the consequences that we don' act at all, and wonder why nothin' happens," he said gently. "You need to decide what you want – what's best for you. And go for it." He paused. "Is that what you needed to hear from a friend?"

"Yeah," she murmured. "Have you heard from Stabler?"

"Nah. Fucker's probably livin' it up somewhere fab-u-lous like a dickhead, not even thinkin' 'bout us," Fin said dismissively. "Ya got me, baby girl. An' your baby girl's got me, too."

"Thanks, Fin."

"Now, get off the phone with me and go check and make sure Barba's put that kid of yours to bed – it's almost ten," Fin scolded with a chuckle. "Night."

"G'night," she murmured, hanging up. She took a deep breath and rang Rafael. "Hey," she said when he picked up.

"Hey, hold on – Mami, just put it in the freezer. I'm not going to be able to eat that much food in the next few days," Rafael said. "How was your night, Olivia?"

"Drinks with the squad and a salad on the sofa," Liv said. "Glamorous. Did she get to bed on time?"

"Yeah, I made sure she was down by 8:30," he said. "Mami and abuelita came over, so it was a bit of a struggle –"

"She could've stayed up till 9 in that case," she said gently.

"You were very insistent that bedtime is 8:30 –"

She smiled and bit her lower lip. "Rafael, you're very sweet," she whispered. "She ate all of her dinner?"

"And had seconds." He paused. "You know, you can come over if you want. Mami and abuelita are headed home as soon as we finish cleaning up the kitchen and if you're feeling –"

"No, it's fine, I just wanted to make sure everything was all right," she said quickly. "It's your first time having her solo, so I was a little worried."

"But you waited until now to call."

She hesitated, then said, "I didn't think you'd appreciate me –"

"If you're worried, just call – I'd rather put your mind at ease," he said. "Hold on, Olivia – buenas noches mami y abuelita. Serenity really enjoyed tonight. Next time, Olivia will come with us and we'll come to yours, abuelita." There were other indistinct voices in the background and a door closed, then he said, "Sorry, I'm back – they're heading back to the Bronx now."

"Do you want me to come over?" she asked.

"I always want you to come over," he said. "Do you want to?"

"I'm pretty tired," she admitted. "And Fin and I have a shift tomorrow."

"Why?"

"Nick's going to see his daughter for the weekend and Rollins asked off, so Fin and I are on the beat," she replied.

"You need me to take care of Ree?"

"Nancy was going to, but I won't turn you down if you'd rather," Liv replied.

"I'm just going over some files for Monday, so it's not a big deal." He paused. "You know, you've done a really great job with her. She's a great kid."

"She is," Liv murmured. "There are some times she looks at me and I see so much of you in her and she asks questions I can't answer and I feel so stupid – and I just think… that's those Barba genes coming out."

He laughed. "You mean the Diaz genes. My father's genes had nothing to do with that – she got all that from my mother and her mother. I can't wait for you to meet them: abuelita showed Ree how to make tostones tonight and our girl thought it was the most amazing thing."

"I'm not a very good cook," Liv admitted.

"Luckily for you, I know my way around a kitchen," Rafael said with a chuckle.

She decided not to play into his hands, and changed the subject. "Hey, can you give Ree a kiss for me and make sure she's tucked in?" Liv asked softly.

"Of course."

"Are you watching her tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

"So I'll let Nancy know not to expect you to bring her back."

"Yes."

"And I'll pick her up at yours tomorrow night."

"Sounds good."

"Thank you, Rafael." She hung up and stared at her phone, trying not to feel all of the emotions she was feeling so strongly.

It wasn't for nothing that Fin had been in Narcotics for a hell of a long time; he still had a map of half the city burned into his brain like it wasn't even a thing. In the middle of a relatively high-speed pursuit through the alleyways of Manhattan, it came in handy.

Yes, they weren't the right division to handle pursuit, but when they called for all vehicles, you joined whether you were ready or not. Liv was just along for the ride, grabbing the "oh shit" handle and letting her partner for the day flip their cruiser from alley to alley like it was nothing.

"SVU portable to base – we're going to head him off and attempt to push him into traffic on 20th Street," Fin spat into the radio.

Head him off –

The suspected getaway car flew through a perpendicular alley as soon as he finished speaking, giving him no time to react, no time to blink, no time to breathe.

The cruiser lifted off the ground with the impact, its forward motion unchecked even as the other car crashed into the rear passenger quarter. Fin shouted and slammed on the brakes, making it worse as they spun upon hitting the ground and bouncing; Olivia jerked forward hard into the exploding air bag and vomited on impact at the pain that exploded in her chest from the seatbelt and her head from the air bag.

Fin was out of the car in a second with his gun drawn and shouting, and she heard three shots before everything went an unpleasant black with neon brightness around the edges that she knew wasn't right.

She managed to open her eyes again when they put a collar around her neck, but that neon brightness was everywhere. "Fin –"

"Right here," he said. "I'm just bruised up. You hit your head pretty hard, Liv."

"You're never driving again," she slurred.

"No, ma'am," he promised.

"Did you shoot the guy?"

"No. I shot at him to make his ass stay put till backup arrived," Fin promised. "You want me to –"

She threw up again, unable to help herself; the EMTs helped her, but her partner stayed back. "Call… call the Cap," she mumbled. "And Trevor."

"I'm not calling that motherfucker."

"Fin." She was barely able to force his name out before she slid back into that place between conscious planes.

She had very strange dreams – or she assumed they were dreams – where she was arguing with her mother and a few other people about silly things that made no sense, and the words were all jumbled up, and she was getting very annoyed with it all.

The lights were very dim, which she was grateful for, when her eyes opened. It helped her ability to focus without driving an icepick through her brain. A low moan still escaped her lips, despite her best efforts to stay quiet.

There was a person at her bedside, and he startled awake. "Olivia?" he mumbled sleepily. Upon seeing that she was awake, he jumped to his feet and grabbed her call button, summoning the nurses. "Olivia, stay still – don't try to do anything just yet," he said softly. "Okay? You're going to be okay."

"El?" she breathed.

"We're not talking now," Elliot Stabler said, his voice firm. "But I owe you an explanation."

She moved her hand with no small amount of effort, finally rolling it over so her palm was facing up. He got the idea and held her hand. They stayed like that until the flurry of activity from multiple nurses and procedures forced them apart.

It turned out that she had been unconscious for the better part of three weeks; her head, neck, and upper spinal injuries had been severe enough to induce a coma to allow her body to attempt to heal itself once the doctors had done their best to hold her together. It had only been around 72 hours since they had reduced her medicine enough to allow her to wake up, so they had been tracking her brain activity in the vague hope that she might just regain consciousness –

And it was just as she was being explained this by one of the on duty neurologists that Rafael burst into the room, his hair askew, plaid lounge pants and Harvard sweatshirt with a pair of moccasin slippers on beneath one of his lighter weight dress coats, sleep still evident in his eyes. "Mi amor," he said, his voice thick with emotion.

Elliot cleared his throat and said, "She just woke up and moaned and –"

"Thank you for staying with her, Detective Stabler," Rafael said. "I'm glad she wasn't alone when she woke up. Olivia –"

She looked over at him, hesitated a moment, licked her lips, whispered, "Ree?"

"She's okay," he promised, coming to the bed and tangling their fingers together, bringing her fingertips to his lips to kiss each one in turn. "She's been so worried about you, Olivia – we all have. But Serenity cries herself to sleep every night and I have to carry her to bed. I don't mind: I love her so much. But I was so scared that you wouldn't wake up and she wouldn't forgive me for not being you."

"She loves you," Liv slurred tiredly, leaning into the comfort of his touch as she drifted off again.

She could vaguely hear Rafael and Elliot talking as she slept, but how much of it was real and how much was her dreams, she didn't know. When she woke up, only Rafael was there, and he was looking much worse for wear: stubble in and the sweatshirt was actually a hoodie in the daylight.

"Where's Ree?" she whispered.

"Left her with Fin," he answered as he helped her with breakfast. Her energy and stamina was nonexistent, and until she could prove that she could keep her blood sugar stabilized on her own and her physical therapy went well – after all, three weeks in bed was no laughing matter – she wasn't going anywhere. "He's going to bring her by after school."

"Work?" she asked him with a focused glare.

"Not today," he shot back. "McCoy knows you're awake. I'm on PTO."

"Elliot?"

"You have Cragen to thank for that," he said.

She saw his nervousness, sensed the tension that Elliot's presence instilled in him, and wanted to show him that he had nothing to fear from her ex-partner. Maybe once upon a time, yes, but not now. "Rafa-" Liv began, the rest of his name getting caught in her throat, garbled. It was enough to get his attention, to hold it. "Love you," she insisted, staring deep into his eyes, holding as tightly onto his shirt sleeve as she could.

"Olivia, it's okay, you don't have to –"

"Love you," she repeated. The words had power; she had meant to go pick Ree up at his place the day of the accident and tell him that they should get dinner sometime – maybe try the dating thing out before throwing it out the window entirely. But now… now she couldn't hold back her heart if she tried.

Rafael had cared for their daughter – and her, because she had changed her power of attorney, finally – while she had been unable to, and the world hadn't ended.

Whether or not he was smart enough not to run reds in the whites loads, however, remained to be seen. But even so…

He cupped her face with one hand and whispered, "I love you, too." He paused. "I didn't prosecute the guy who did this to you, but he went away for a long time. On top of several felony counts of attempted murder of a police officer, he was in possession of $10mil worth of Oxy, $15k of meth, $25k of heroin, and $32k of X. No wonder he was running."

"Fin shoot him?"

"No comment."

"Rafa –"

"I have no comment because I don't know the answer to the question. And it doesn't matter anyway: it would've been self-defense." Rafael pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Now, it's time to finish your yogurt."

She rolled her eyes and sighed but was secretly very glad that he was looking out for her. There was a very small part of her that wanted to learn to like it, but the rest of her was far too independent to give in.

TBC...