IX:

The first couple of sessions with the therapists had left her exhausted and bitchy; she wasn't entirely certain that her progress was anything to write home about and she felt like sinking into a quagmire of self-loathing and pity even though Rafael assured her that it was going to take time. For his part, he hadn't left her side since his arrival in what had apparently been the middle of the night, and he was still in his pajamas and slippers, looking scruffy and much the worse for wear as the day dragged on.

There came a knock on the door. "Hey – why don't I take over for a while?" Elliot suggested, catching Rafael's attention. "You need to pick Ree up from school in a bit, don't you?"

Rafael squeezed Olivia's hand. "Do you mind if I –"

"Go," she whispered, squeezing his hand back. "Take care of her."

"Siempre," he replied, leaning in to kiss her. "I'll be back later, and I'll bring her with me – you both need to see each other."

"Oh, please," Olivia begged, reaching up to tug on the strings of his hoodie's hood. "Please. I need to see my baby girl and know she's all right with my own eyes."

"You don't trust me?"

"I do," she murmured.

"Let me show you something," he said, pulling out his phone. "We take a picture every day, Ree and me, for you, because I knew you'd be upset at having missed so much when you woke up. She lost a tooth last week and I had to Google the average amount of money the Tooth Fairy leaves under pillows, only to find out that your Tooth Fairy gives sheets of stickers and she was disappointed that she had a dollar coin instead." He held out his phone and showed her a picture of a sullen-looking Ree holding up a gold coin, then flipped to the next, where she was smiling and showing off a gap in her mouth.

Liv stifled a laugh. "I didn't have any cash the first time she lost a tooth, but I had all kinds of spare sticker sheets," she explained breathlessly, "so I slipped the one with the most glitter on it under her pillow and hoped she wouldn't know the difference. And it became a tradition."

"So I need to invest in stickers?" he asked worriedly. "I don't know if I'm smart enough to be the kind of dad she needs me to be, Olivia – she's been so angry with me because I can't do anything right this whole time."

"I'm sure you've been fine," she assured him gently. "It's just not what she's used to. It's okay. You've made it work and she's alive and you're alive and hopefully neither of you have been swearing too much."

"I can't imagine her swearing."

"I was more thinking of you," she countered. "Now… go. Get a shower, put on some clean clothes and get Ree. I'm going to rest a while: the therapy took it out of me and I've got nothing left."

He pressed another kiss to her forehead and went to gather his coat before pausing to talk to Elliot in the corridor. When Elliot came in and settled in at her bedside, her old partner let out a deep sigh and said, "You know, you could've just gotten Cap to call me. You didn't have to go and get yourself almost killed to get my attention."

"Funny: ha-ha," she mumbled. "Where have you been? You put in your papers and –"

"They didn't let me resign, actually. I took about six months off on medical, did some PTSD shit, got released back into the wild, and took a move into Organized Crime. I'm one of the liaisons in Italy, so we're based out of Rome." Elliot paused. "Look… I know it seems like we just disappeared –"

"You did," she said, trying not to sound as hurt as she felt.

"I wasn't in a good place, Olivia, and it was difficult enough subjecting my own family to the shit I was going through at the time, let alone dragging you and Serenity through it," he said gently. "I was trying to be kind. You deserve a family that won't let you down; not another one that will fuck everything up. I left you in good hands. Fin and Munch always have your back. And this Barba guy –"

Olivia swallowed hard and took a deep breath. "He's Ree's father," she said softly.

Elliot blinked. "That's him? He's the guy?" Sudden disbelief crossed his face. "I mean, he's stepped up and everything, but really, he's not your –"

"If you say he's not my type," she warned, "I will smack you."

"Well, I mean –" Elliot paused, then said, "Okay, point taken. You did almost marry that idiot Langan."

"He isn't an idiot," Liv protested. "Trevor is a perfectly nice man –"

"A perfectly nice man who walked out on you and your kid because she wasn't behaving the way he wanted her to when she was just a baby," he pointed out. "I mean, for god's sake, Olivia – "

"It's a moot point," she said. "Trevor was a mistake. Rafael is nothing like him, El. He's a good man – he loves Ree with that big heart of his and it's… it scares me that there's not going to be anything left for me in the end."

"Don't be stupid," Elliot said, patting her arm and smiling. "That man has run himself ragged working and taking care of you and your girl while you've been in here. Kathy and I have been taking turns sitting with you at night since we got here so he can have a rest, because he was trading nights with Rollins and Munch and not sleeping at all. I didn't even know who he was, except your boy Amaro said he was the ADA for SVU and you gave him your power of attorney and temporary guardianship of your kid. So that means something – that you trust him that much."

She almost told him that she loved Barba, but she held her tongue. Instead, she settled for, "I have to trust someone – it might as well be him." The other felt too big, too momentous, yet too intimate to share with a friend who had become a stranger through time and distance of his own making.

"I guess that's true," Elliot said. "I guess I'm just surprised that he's Ree's biological dad."

She bristled a little at the implication in his tone. "Why?"

"Did you have your wine goggles on at the time?" he asked.

Liv glared at him. "Screw you, Elliot. Just because you can't see why I would have sex with Rafael –"

"He's kind of an asshole."

"So are you."

"Hey, those are fighting words –"

"Well, you're the one that decided to throw hands," she growled. "He is a good man. Leave him alone."

"All right, all right," Elliot said, holding his hands up in surrender. "I give. But if he hurts you or Serenity, Fin's gonna have to get in line."

"If he hurts my little girl, you're all going to have to hide a body," Liv warned.

Liv woke up from her nap to a whispered, "She's asleep, daddy."

"Yeah, we need to be quiet, cariño," Rafael said softly. "Why don't you sit right here and work on your vocabulary worksheet until mami wakes up?"

"I'm awake," Olivia slurred tiredly, struggling with her bed buttons in her sleepy state. He rescued her and got her moved to a more comfortable position. "Rafael, can you get more ice?" she asked, seeing that her cup was nearly empty and what was left was only water.

Ree was settled in the chair at her bedside, her face a study of nervous calm. "Hi, Momma," she said very quietly.

"Hi, baby," Liv whispered. "Has daddy been taking good care of you?"

Serenity hesitated, then nodded, her eyes filling up with tears as she began to whimper. "But he's not you, Momma –"

Rafael came back into the room and stopped short, his face going through a million emotions at once, then settling into resigned hurt. "Come here, baby," Liv insisted, patting her bed and making room for her daughter to curl up with her. She held her, letting her cry it out, and wept a little herself. "Daddy knows it's been hard for you, sweetheart… and he's been trying so hard."

"I know," Ree sobbed.

"Have you told him thank you?" Liv asked.

Ree nodded and cried harder, burying her face in Liv's side. Liv rubbed Serenity's back and just held her, keeping eye contact with Rafael. He looked so tired and the sad rejection on his face stung. "Baby? Daddy loves you so much," she whispered. "He's been taking care of you because I can't. He's been trying so hard to do everything right."

"I knooooow," Ree whimpered. "But I wanted my momma."

"I know, baby, I know," Liv murmured.

"I'm going to go get some coffee," Rafael said.

"No," Liv said sharply, startling Ree, making the little girl sit up and stare through her tears. "Rafa, please don't leave."

He hesitated, then sighed. "You don't want me here –"

"We need you here," she insisted, her voice softening again. "Don't we, baby?"

"Daddy," Ree whimpered, "don' go."

It took three steps for him to cross to the bed and gather them into his arms, comforting and gentling their overwhelmed emotions while trying to rein in his own. "Better?" Rafael asked softly.

"Yes," Liv whispered, breathing in the scent of his skin, reveling in the warmth of his embrace. "If my scans come back clean tomorrow, I'll be moving to a rehab facility to continue my occupational and physical therapy until they're satisfied I can go home."

She could feel him smile. "I think we should look into getting a place together," he suggested. "You can't manage that apartment by yourself right now and my place is already overflowing with just me and Ree."

Liv hesitated, then relented. "I'm not sure it's the best idea you've ever had," she said softly, "but considering how we started, I guess it's not the worst, either. If you can manage it with everything else –"

"I'll come up with something," he promised. "By the time you come home."

"I feel like we're moving very quickly."

"Maybe not quickly enough," he countered. "After all, we have a seven-year-old."

"She's eight," Liv whispered. "We missed her birthday."

"Serenity? Why didn't you tell me it was your birthday?" Rafael asked.

"Because Momma wasn't there to make the special pancakes with the funfetti," Ree said with a pout, snuggling tighter against Liv. "It's not my birthday without Momma."

"Sweetheart, that's not how birthdays work," Liv said gently. "It's still your birthday even if I'm not there to celebrate it with you. You and daddy would have done something nice for it – and he could have gotten you a present."

"I didn't want a present. I just wanted you, Momma."

"How do I make funfetti pancakes?" Rafael asked her.

"You just get a box of funfetti cake mix and add a lot of milk and three eggs," Liv said, "and make a bunch of pancakes. She only gets them on her birthday because they're full of sugar, and she eats them all day long."

"Ree, you want pancakes?" he asked.

"It's not my birthday anymore," the little girl protested.

He sighed. "I can't do anything right, can I?"

"Baby?" Liv said softly. "Why don't you and daddy go home and make cupcakes so you can celebrate your birthday? And daddy can get your birthday present from me out of the coat closet by the front door of the apartment and you can have a party tonight. Okay?"

Ree sniffled. "What about you, Momma?"

"Daddy can take pictures for me." Liv smiled and gave her daughter a kiss. "I love you so much, sweetheart."

It was only after they had left that she really realized what she had committed herself to: moving in with Rafael was a huge step, one that maybe she wasn't even ready for, but she didn't really feel like she had much of a choice now. She needed help or she was going to land flat on her face, and she needed to trust him at his word that he was going to be there for them.

When she woke up again, she knew it was late. "Hey," came the soft voice at her bedside. "You need some water, Olivia?"

"Rafael?" she asked, confused and groggy. "Why aren't you with…"

"I couldn't sleep," he said. "So I came to sit with you. Munch is watching Ree. He'll drop her off in the morning at school."

"Okay," she mumbled.

"You need some water?" he repeated.

She nodded. "Please."

"You okay?" he asked, holding the cup so she could drink easily through the straw.

She took a few hearty swallows, then nodded tiredly and closed her eyes again. "I was dreaming and I woke up because it felt too real," she whispered.

"Do you remember what you were dreaming about?" he asked.

"I was in the car," Liv said, "with Fin, but it was wrong because you were there, too. And you saw what happened and just… left. You walked away, and I was screaming for you –"

"Olivia, that's never going to happen," Rafael promised. "Okay? It was just a nightmare."

"I know. I know it was a bad dream, but –"

"Hey," he said softly, interrupting her gently. "You're not the only one running, Olivia. Believe me, as hard as you're fighting me… I fought this harder and lost." Rafael paused for a moment, then exhaled roughly. "Can I… can I tell you why I pushed thoughts of family life away without you judging me?"

"Yes," she murmured.

"I love my mother," he said, but he hesitated just for a moment. "She… she hasn't had it easy. My father was a charming man until he got a few drinks in him, then he was just mean. He was abusive to her in every way possible and she didn't have a way out until after I went to Harvard." He swallowed hard. "I don't talk about what he did to me. Not to anyone."

She reached for his hand, not at all surprised when he shied from her touch. "You aren't your father," she whispered. "No more than I am. My father… my father raped my mother and she had to live with that every day when she looked at me, Rafael. And as much as she loved me, she hated me for being his. If I would have been anyone else's…"

"I hate that for you," he whispered. "You deserve more. You deserve better."

"So do you," she assured him gently. "He hurt you, but that isn't who you are – you're stubborn to a fault, so smart it makes my head spin and you make me look downright stupid, and, god, Rafael, you're the gentlest soul under the spines you've put up to keep everyone out." She reached up to brush her fingers through his hair, to touch his cheek.

He sighed. "I'm supposed to be making you feel better –"

"Okay," she murmured.

Rafael shook his head. "My dad… wanted me to be perfect because I was his boy, you know? Mami wasn't going to have any more babies, so he wanted this worthless fat son to be perfect. And I wasn't. So he forced me to be." His eyes glazed over and he tensed up, recalling too many tortures at his father's hands. "I fell in love in high school with a girl from the neighborhood. Her name was Yelina. We dated, ran around and did stupid shit – and she got pregnant. I panicked and… I went to abuelita and abuelo and begged them for the money for an abortion. They knew how much trouble I would be in if dad found out, so abuelita went so far as to explain the situation to Yelina. And that was the end of it. Of everything. The pregnancy, my relationship with Yelina, all of it. She married my best friend a few months later. I don't know if he knows or not. I don't even know if I should be ashamed or not – I was too fucking terrified that I would pass on that monster's genes and he would find out and force her to have the baby. That I would be trapped forever into being a father; that I would be a terrible father like he was."

"You aren't," she promised.

"I can't sleep because I'm scared to death I'm going to do something – I'm going to snap and hurt Ree," he confessed anxiously.

"You won't," she whispered. "You aren't him."

"You don't know that."

"I do," she said. "I know that because you're worried about it, and he never did – did he? He inflicted pain and never once stopped to soothe it."

He flinched and made a soft noise that might have been a whimper. "Olivia…"

"I love you," she interrupted. "I was going to marry Trevor knowing full well that he wasn't the one I wanted. I was going to build a life, a family, even though all I wanted was to find you and never let go. But now you're here, now you want me back, and do you know how hard it is for me to make that leap, Rafael? If I fall and you aren't there to catch me, there isn't any coming back from that for me."

"Quiero estar allí para atraparte." His words were very quiet. "¿Te enojarás conmigo si no te digo lo que hizo mi padre?"

"No," she murmured. "But you need to tell someone. I can recommend any number of therapists. Even mine. I just want you to know – I need you to know – that you're not alone."

"I'm supposed to be making you feel better and you're trying to make me feel better," he sighed.

"It's okay," she said softly. "I'm sorry I upset you –"

"You didn't. I don't talk about him because he's not worth my time." Rafael paused and took a deep breath. "I still can't believe such a great kid is my kid."

"Our kid," she corrected gently. "You need to rest."

He sighed and said, "You, too –"

"Come up here with me," she murmured. "I'll sleep better that way." It took a bit of convincing him, but eventually he joined her in her hospital bed, curled around her like a protective cat. Very nearly as soon as he enveloped her in his arms, he fell into a deep sleep, and she drifted off to the sound of his roughened breathing – hoping that this wouldn't be the last time he held her so close.

TBC...