This chapter is basically just very slow moving smut. You have been warned.
Author's Note: This chapter turned out to be really long...and I am not sure if you will like it...I do...but... well I guess you'll see... I'd be very curious to know what you think about it. I hope you enjoy. More actual plot will be coming eventually - I think?
slight content warning: discussion of fatness
p.s. for those who don't know / remember - I am a fat woman - much fatter than Penelope - and most of the time I love my body. I also am lucky enough to have an amazing partner and am a mom...so some of this writing is informed by those experiences.
As Luke anticipated, Sergio and Roxy are curled up together in the middle of the bed.
Both raise their heads when Luke leads Penelope through the bedroom door by the hand.
Before either human can say a word, Sergio stands, leaps down, and scrabbles out of the room like a madman. They can hear him doing kitten-ish wind-sprints around the living room
Penelope and Luke chuckle at the look on Roxy's face which clearly says "Cats are lunatics, don't you agree?"
Luke steps to the side so Roxy will be able to get past and signs with his head that she should follow her slightly unhinged feline pal.
"Well go find out what he's up to."
Roxy barks ascent and heads off to "supervise" (aka curl up on the deluxe doggie bed Miss Penny got her and have a nap - probably with Sergio once he worked out whatever cat business he's onto).
Once their fine furry friends have vacated the premises, Luke draws Penelope into the room.
"Who would have thought those two would get along so well? Sergio hisses at her when we're watching...but is forever snuggling up against Roxy for a nap any chance he gets."
"Hmmm...reminds me of a certain lady I know..."
"Shush Newbie."
"See? So much hissing...to hide the heart of a true snugglebug. So I was wondering...are you sore from this afternoon? It was crazy fun - but..."
"A bit athletic? ...and then we fell asleep in that totally sweet but totally awkward position?... Yes. I am a bit ah ouchey - but...I wouldn't have missed this afternoon for the world "
Penelope's voice has lowered to a whisper and she can feel a blush rise on her cheeks.
Luke can't help but kiss her softly then. She is so damn beautiful.
"Me neither, Chica. Me neither."
She leans forward to kiss him again...but Luke gently stops her.
"Please. Let me?"
Penelope feels him looking at her.
Uncharacteristically, she didn't put on any make-up at all after her shower - so her face is totally bare to him. He is so close she knows he can see every eyelash - every pore - every laughline - every freckle - the dark bags under her eyes that she carefully covers every morning...
He is so thankfully glad that she has trusted him with the intimacy of her unmade is so beautiful to him. Luke runs his fingers through her hair - tracing the contours of her face with his palms.
"Penelope - I love you. If you want to kiss me I will be over the moon. If you want to do this together or be totally in control of everything I will be thrilled with whatever happens. But - if you trust me enough to take care of you - let yourself just enjoy - then I would be so happy and honoured. Will you let me, mi Corazón? Por favor?"
Now his voice is a whisper.
Her eyes are huge. He can see that she is teetering - on the edge of saying yes - letting him do this for her again - the first time since that day in Banff - but fighting it because she still doesn't feel she deserves to be care for in this particular way - even though she's admitted how much she craves giving up control - even though he promised truthfully that this is something he is more than happy to give her - admitted to her that the very control she craves to give up - he craves to be trusted to exert.
He hates that at least part of her doesn't believe she deserves no strings attached love - that she still believes that any favour or good deed she receives must be paid back twice, maybe threefold - just for things to be considered even.
"Penny? You deserve the best and I know I am just me...so nowhere near good enough...but please let me try."
"Shut up you. Just...you...are..."
"If I am...then you are too. Please believe me."
Did he go too far this time?
Strangely he feels like if he was asking to give her pain instead of pure pleasure she'd be more comfortable with the bargain.
But while he is no stranger to the erotic potential of experimenting with light teasing bondage play or the raw joy that can come when a bit of pain is caused in the name of passion - a bite on the shoulder to muffle a scream - the response to a plea to squeeze or rub or thrust harder - nails dragged sharply down his back as she cums...but anything beyond that leaves him cold and flat - maybe because they see too much callous cruelty day to day...
She looks like the only thing keeping her from fleeing might be his hands holding hers...but then he senses her relax - almost imperceptibly. Whatever argument she was having with herself has been resolved.
"Ok. I mean...Yes. I mean...Please?"
"Thank you."
He smiles at her - but only with his eyes not his lips - the emotions he's feeling are joyful but not glib. He finds he can't help but do their ritual for a third time - this time between each kiss he speaks softly, huskily, and almost sternly.
.*cheek*
"Your spirit is so joyful it makes me feel cleaner and whole just to be near you."
.*cheek*
"Every time you answer the phone at work and say something sassy - I can't help but smile."
.*forehead*
"You are the most intelligent woman I have ever met - and you know I work with the legendary Tara Lewis, Emily Prentiss, and Jennifer Jareau."
.*tip of nose*
"Sometimes at work I can't look at you because you are both so adorably cute and so whimsically beautiful that I am afraid that I'll never be able to look away."
.*lips*
"But I always end up looking - and then - it's so hard to look away - to concentrate..."
.*palm*
"...the only thing that *thumb tip* lets me get on *finger tip* with whatever is at hand *finger tip* is to tell myself that I have to impress you or at least get your attention *finger tip* say something - ask some stupid question"
.* last left finger tip*
Penelope mews softly - about to speak ...but he shushes her and carries on...
.* wrist*
"I can't tell you what it feels like when you join us in the field - one part exaltation - one part total trust in your abilities - and one part terrified distraction - because I always want to know you're safe."
.*palm*
"Remember when I helped you down from that curb?"
.*fingertips*
"I wiped my hands off on my pants in jest...but I felt like I never wanted to wash my hands again."
.*wrist*
"I feel like that everytime I touch you."
.*ring*
"I just want to learn everything about you. I want to be there for you in every way I can. I love you, Penelope Grace Garcia."
With that Luke pulls her to him for the deepest kiss (although perhaps not the sweetest) he's permitted since he helped her down from the counter.
"So before I got distracted... you were saying that you are sore from our earlier adventures?"
"Yeah. A bit...I..um..don't usually ah bend quite that way."
"Do you have any more of the massage oil you used the other night, mi Cielo?"
"I do...but..." Penelope opens a drawer and pulls out a couple little bottles "maybe um you'd like to try one of these? I like the smell of both - so whichever you like? I've never used either for a massage - just tested a bit of each when I first got them...since my skin can be ...y'know uber sensitive. But I didn't have any issues. The reviews all say it's amazing apparently...the uh warming sensation is touch - uh hands or uh mouth - activated."
Luke reads the labels smirking slightly, opening the caps, and sniffing. Each bottle holds a different flavour of warming edible massage oil - one is mojito flavoured and smells of mint and citrus - while the other is a vanilla and cinnamon concoction which he settles on because it seems Christmas-y and tis the season. Plus there is something appealing about Penelope smelling like dessert.
He is impressed but not surprised that she has such treats in her drawer... Penelope likes to be prepared... all part of her fluffy armour.
"Now - I think I'd like to undress you and give you a nice message like the one you gave me last night...would that be ok? Then just see what happens next?"
"Um...yeah...more than ok."
She looks mostly happy - but he can still see anxiety hovering around her eyes.
"Pen, what's wrong? No wait - don't answer that. I know there's a lot not right..." he steps a bit away giving her a bit of space "...but what I mean is...is there anything I can do right now to make things better?"
"No. Honest. I just need more practice with this. I mean it's easy when things are fast or I am...y'know the giver..but...I... want this...I just find it a bit hard to believe that you do too...and it's not you ..it's anyone...I find it hard to believe that anyone would see me as worthy of...even though I know that's kind of its own form of hubris...but...it is getting easier. So ahh shall we practice? Only..."
"Only?"
"um can you at least take your shirt off if I am going to be all nudified?"
Luke finally smiles hard and huge - eyes and lips.
"I think that can definitely be arranged."
Luke sets down the bottles he's holding on the bedside table - then turns back to Penelope and pulls off his shirt in one smooth motion.
"Better?"
"mmmhmmm you without a shirt is almost always better."
He then steps toward Penelope and she thinks he is going to start undressing her...but instead he stops a bit further away than expected and reaches out and takes her right hand - brings it up to his mouth and kisses first the inside of her ring and then the inside of her palm and then the inside of her wrist and then - finally - places her hand over his heart - gently covering and stroking the back of her hand.
Penelope's gaze sinks to where her hand presses against his tawny chest. She can feel his heart beating - steady and strong. Her fingers curl reflexively against his warmth and then trace miniature circles over the whorls of hair she can feel under her fingertips - fingertips that have been made extra sensitive from the razing of his lips.
Wonderingly, she realises that her other hand has moved of its own accord and is tracing a scar on his left shoulder - long healed but white and jagged - the ghost heat of tearing pain sings an adagio keening lament into her.
She now remembers other healed wounds she has noticed since they've been together - one across the back of his right calf - another high on his thigh - what looks like it might have been a bullet wound on the crest of one shoulder...
Penelope guiltily realises that she has yet to ask about his scars...while he has spent time on hers - erasing them as much as he can with words and touch and kisses...she has accepted his as just another inevitable part of his rough beauty.
She presses a long praying kiss to the shoulder scar - silently vowing to ask if he wants to tell her any of his stories... but for now it as though she has been awakened to why he wants what he wants and why it is an act of kindness for her to acquiesce to her own bone deep desire to be cared for by him.
So she steps back and finally raises her eyes to him and then raises her arms in the universal gesture of "help me take off this shirt?".
Luke doesn't - can't smile - but his eyes are kind and grateful as he steps forward and first gently removes her glasses - placing them carefully to the side and then grabs the hem of her shirt and pulls it up and off - carefully draping it on a chair in the corner. Next her soft pants come off - so that all she is wearing is a lavender and rose bra and matching high legged panties - both decorated with delicate floral patterned lace.
Gorgeous.
He spins her slowly so he can admire every inch - pausing to hug her from behind - hands warm on her stomach - nuzzling into her neck - then gently pushing straps down her arms - kissing in their wakes - until her arms are pinned to her sides by the lacey elastic so that he must unclasp the back to release her - pushing off the floral bit of nothing. Then - still behind her - he kisses his way down her spine - kneeling so that he can slide the confection that are her panties down her legs.
He stands - hands skimming up her generous silken curves - sliding his arms around her again to rest his palms on her tummy - she is so fuckingly fantastically soft - his hand feel full and happy with the weight of her as he spreads his fingers wide to cup as much of her gloriously fleshy belly - touching her tenderly - intimately.
He times his breaths with hers - he's noticed it before but her breathing can be incredibly slow and deep - he'd asked her about it once and she thought it was maybe being on the swim team in highschool or maybe her acting lessons where they did breathing techniques.
She covers his hands instinctively - but after a wave of breaths - he shifts so his hands cover hers. He is pressing against her back so she can feel his bare chest and the swell of his cock. He mouths the top of her shoulder before saying roughly - raspingly:
"Penny, do you feel what I feel when your hands are on your stomach? How amazingly soft and full and perfect your belly feels? How precious every inch of you is - through and through?"
"Is it bad to say, I do? Luke, I mean I usually only feel this when alone - it is odd being a fat woman who loves her body in a world that hates fatness."
Part of Penelope cannot believe she's just used the "F" word in front of Luke.
She has worked hard to reclaim it - practises saying it aloud - it has been an uneasy journey - and this is certainly the first time she's said it in front of a lover.
She chalks her bravery up to the truth - or was it impetuous recklessness? She feels unbelievingly safe with his arms wrapped around her like this - his hands and her hands - it was as if none of the darkness they battle could ever reach them.
For the first time in what feels like a billion millennia every part of her relaxes - no outside thoughts or worries are encroaching and her internal anxieties have quieted.
She feels womanly and beautiful and proud and strong - his strength amplifying hers - his admiration an authentic response to who and what she really is - his masculinity is a pure and resilient and responsive foil to her femininity - and while Penelope in no way believes that sexuality or gender are dichotomies - and while there have been others - both men and women who she has been attracted to and connected with and felt whole and beautiful with - Luke is the first in a very very long time.
It is magical and sacred and she is so thankful to be granted this harbour in the stormy sea that is existence.
Luke holds her tighter.
"This. This is why I love you "
"My belly?"
"I love your belly - I adore every ounce of you - but no. I have one more secret-ish-y thing - ahh maybe two to tell you Penelope...is now a good time to tell you? They aren't bad - I promise - I mean I don't think so anyway."
She turns in his arms then - draping her arms around his neck - looking up into his now anxious face.
"Always."
Luke kisses her then - like he needs to be resuscitated - like breathing her - consuming her - is all that is keeping him alive.
When he finally pulls away his hands are holding her jaw - fingers tangled in her hair - both of their breathing rates have jumped to the fast lane of the oxygen superhighway.
"Uh...it might actually take some explaining...how about we get you comfy on the bed and I start working on your muscles while I talk...unless you don't like listening and being massaged at the same time? I totally understand if you-"
"Luke. That sounds wonderful. Secrets and the most heart-stoppingly gorgeous - inside and out - man I know giving me a massage - that definitely sounds like Penny's Jam."
She gives him a quick reassuring kiss on the cheek...and then hops onto bed.
"Most gorgeous man you know? I'm telling Morgan!"
"And then you would die, Newbie. Cover me with the extra soft blanket from the chair? It's chilly in here. You can uncover me as you go. Are you going to be ok shirtless? Was that mean of me?"
"Chica - I'm warm enough. oof! this blanket weighs a tonne!"
"It's weighted on purpose - it's an anti anxiety thing...and it feels glorious. Like a hug. I don't care if you get oil on it by the way...it will wash. They have heated ones too...but I haven't splurged on one yet."
"I'm just going to get the footstool thing from the living room to sit on, if that's ok? I know you stood for me...well and kneeled deliciously over me on the bed...but I don't want to rush this and your bed isn't super high so I would be kinda bent over ..and...is that ok?"
"Perfect."
So with a laugh and a flourish he jumps to happiness.
"Back in a sec, ok? Just relax!"
First Luke comes in with two glasses of water...and then flips on the twinkle lights and turns off the overhead as he heads back out of the room.
Next she hears him giving Sergio and Roxy fresh water and a snack.
Then he comes in with the Ottoman from her living room which he places by the bed and a something that sounds like a plate is put down on the bedside table, but she can't see what's on it.
He closes the door.
"You still awake? I didn't leave you too long?"
"mmmhmm"
"Ok I think we're ready...I even brought some dark chocolate which I will give to you in uno momento to melt in that lovely mouth of yours while I work...good? "
"Um Yes! Who are you? Where's the tough guy I thought I was dating?"
"He's still here ...here I'll be tough..." Luke comically lowers his voice "...Let me know if you need water or anything else ok? I mean...or ELSE!"
"You are a goof."
"Yes...but as you always say - I'm your goof." Luke drops the pretence then adds "Ready? Need anything?"
"Nope. I'm fabulous."
"Well I already knew that...I just wanted to know if your fabulous self wanted anything. Ok...so I know your feet are ticklish...so I think I'll start on your shoulders - which I will stand up for - of course."
"Perfect."
Luke flips down the heavy blanket and folds it down so that Penelope is bare down to the top of her hips - the way he remembers professionals set up the sheet at a real health clinic.
For his own signature twist - Luke presses a single square of chocolate to her lips - he feels the flick of her tongue as she takes it into her mouth - the taste floods her senses - transporting her to a place of sumptuous decadence - as she lets the chocolate melt on her tongue..
Luke opens the bottle of his chosen massage oil and coats his hands - a delicious vanilla and cinnamon scent fills the air - somehow making the room closer - more intimate.
The oil feels soft and silky on his hands and Luke almost moans when he first slides his hands over the pale inclines of her shoulder blades which now oiled shimmer the rose gold glow of the twinkle lights.
He really does love touching this woman.
Penelope actually does moan.
She can't help but to chew and swallow the deliciousness in her mouth.
She must bite her lip to hold in the gasps and moans and cries that threaten to escape as his hands take up a kneading constant hypnotic rhythm.
"Hard enough? Too hard?"
"Ohhh good - you can work up to going harder though. I can take it."
"Oh don't I know it, mi Preciosa."
Luke's voice has darkened with knowing humour and Penelope's shiver has nothing to do with the glorious feeling of his hands on her back and shoulders.
"So...um..secrets?"
"Ahhh yes. Maybe secrets was the wrong word...but let me tell you the first thing and you can tell me if you're up for a second confidence."
"Ok.".
Penelope's voice is a bit dreamy and it makes him smile.
This is a good way to tell her these things. He doesn't have to make eye contact which makes it a bit easier...and touching her may help him read her reactions to what he's saying.
"So let me tell you a story. I have known for a long time that I found many different traits attractive - personalities, builds...y'know how it's hard to predict what is going to capture your interest - create a spark...and I was never super comfortable with parts of the bro culture that I found in the army - I know you know this - but some guys can really be dicks at time - and well - I am not going to lie sometimes - it's not just easier to go along...but it's sometimes kind of fun to be part of it? That sounds horrible."
"No, that sounds honest. I mean women are the same way-ish...there's a reason we have girls...oh I forgot...remind me to talk to you about Friday...I need to let Em know if I want to join them for brunch or not...I was thinking not... especially if this is the type of one on one experience I'd be missing out on...but we'll talk about that later...anyways I get it...woman can be really awesome but also sometimes extra horrible when together...actually so can any group... people basically can either suck or be super heros and most are a mix of both."
"Very wise...and thank you for getting it..If it's any help - I've found myself calling buddies on it for the last few years...I mean...I try to not be a dick... not to say I never have been one...well... heeyyyyy - if you could say that much that articulately...you are obviously done your chocolate. You chewed it didn't you? I said to let it melt. Do you want another piece?"
"Maybe...and Yes Please!"
"Suck on it this time, Missy."
"That's what he said."
Luke bursts out laughing.
Luke uses one hand to offer her the plate he'd brought in with extra squares - careful not to touch any with his oily hand...even if it is edible...chocolate - in his opinion - is not to be messed with.
Penelope takes one and pops it into her mouth - careful to show him she is not chewing - then settles back down - closing her eyes in pure pleasure as he goes back to working the tension out of her shoulders with both hands.
"So anyways - I am not asking for understanding or forgiveness or anything...I just want to explain to you why... why... uh Penny?"
He adds more oil to his hands as he sits and moves to run his hands down her arm - to Penelope it feels like - under his ministrations - she's turning to water - a lazy stream flowing free in the summer sun.
"Mmmhmm?"
"Um...Remember when you asked me not to interrupt or ask any questions when you were trying to explain the whole Banff thing...I uh...I think...that's what I need...this is...I just need some time to work out what I'm trying to explain aloud...I...is...is...that ok? I'll try not to say anything really stupid - but you may need to give me the benefit of the doubt"
He's moved to massaging her hand with both of his - the back - the palm - each finger.
"mmmhmm."
Penelope pairs her affirmative with a reassuring squeeze of his hands.
So Luke rushes on - trying to make both his touch and his words loving and honest.
He's never really talked about these things before...
"I just want you to understand why admitting that you love your body and...trusting me to call yourself...without judgement...a...fat woman in front of me... are part of why I love and respect you so much - why those things make me feel loved and respected in a way I never have experienced before. And I am really really hoping I don't come off like a total idiot..and I mean now...cus I am pretty sure I used to be one...well at least about this stuff. Ok so...what do I want to actually say? Give me a sec."
Luke drags in a breath. He moves back up her arm slowly and tenderly as he gathers his thoughts - running his hands smoothly and deeply up over her shoulder to work his way in long loving strokes down her back - circling with his thumbs - knuckling tense spots - droppings a kiss here and there.
Penelope is curious about what he's going to say - but strangely she's not feeling anxious - instead she feels patient and her usually busy brain is not leaping ahead trying to compile options or anticipate or analyse...it might be the incredible things he's making her body feel or maybe it's just because she trusts him - or maybe it's both - either way - it's nice. More than nice - lovely.
He finishes her back - flips the blanket back up over her - and then bares just the leg closest to him - all the way up to her buttocks. He pours more oil onto his hands and then starts working on pouring love into the newly exposed muscles. She can almost hear his brain working - he is thinking so hard - finally he speaks again.
"Penelope - I remember the first time I saw you at the BAU - you hadn't met me yet - hadn't even seen me yet - and you were laughing with J.J."
He can feel her tensing - guesses she's remembering their early days which she has confessed she regrets - so he gentles her with touch and words:
"Penny - don't worry - I'm about to reveal exactly why I'm thankful that you made it tough on me in the beginning...why it is a good thing this amazing time together started when it did.. That's it - just relax."
He lets his hands work deep and soothingly on her calf as he continues the story - eventually moving to work on her ankle and foot - which is not ticklish because of the firm strokes he uses and the anticipation he's built in her.
"So you were leaning against a desk laughing at something J.J. had said - all cherry red lips and hot librarian glasses - wearing a yellow dress with what I have since learned are called "three quarter-length sleeves". The bodice, Penelope, made love to your curves and had these zigzagging orange ribbons sewn all over - my fingers literally itched to trace them - and man - the sexy flowy flirty skirt - and then your gorgeous legs and shoes - bright orange strappy heels with little flowers at the toes which matched the orange sunflower bow-thingy in your hair... I could not look away - but more than the outfit - god I think you could have been dressed in a sack and I would have felt the same - it was your expression - it was like joy and sunshine collided and there was you. I was stunned - I wanted you badly - like scoop you up and carry you out the room badly - like my damn pants were too tight badly- like I couldn't breath or think badly...like hadn't happened since my first damn crush in highschool badly... And right then you looked up and saw me and Rossi - and you smiled... and J.J. turned and waved and...I pretended to be professional and I think all I said was 'Hey - Nice to meet you.' when we were introduced and nodded. I remember trying to make sure I only looked at J.J. or Rossi for the rest of the conversation. No wonder you thought I was a jerk. Anyways...I finally got some game back - but... but that's not the point I am trying to make. The point is I noticed you right off and then as I got to know you - you just got better and better. The woman I had this giant physical crush on was also crazy sharp-intelligent and funny as hell and sassy and had the biggest heart around and... Penny I need to switch to the other side or you'll be lopsided tomorrow - can you stand? Here I'll help."
Luke scoots the stool he's been using back to make room, then offers his hands to Penelope to help her sit then stand. Her eyes are giant and she sways a bit on her feet - but once standing she steadies and seems to snap her focus into place - she reaches up - cups his jaw and then silently kisses one cheek...then the other...then his forehead..the tip of his nose...his lips...oh his lips...she kisses them again not able to resist... opening to him - he groans and pulls her close - skin to skin - his arms full of glossy oily wonderful woman.
Penelope pulls back then.
"I want you to tell me the rest - but first you should know...you were wearing a grey button up shirt open over a black tight t-shirt and black jeans...you smiled at me when I first looked up and I froze - you were heart-stoppingly gorgeous - I...I wanted you too...and then you wouldn't look at me...and I was so angry...and then you started trying to be nice...and I couldn't help but want...and I was terrified...so I..."
"Hush. I know. Now lie down and let me finish this up...feeling good so far?"
He kisses her this time - a reassuring loving tongue roving kiss.
"Yes. I feel so good. Thank you."
Luke smiles and helps her lie down again - this time with her head toward the foot of the bed. He sets up the blanket so it's only revealing one leg - puts more oil on his hands and starts back up again...both massage and story...
"Ahhhh...so I was about to tell you my shameful secret and why it was good that you acted so unimpressed with me... Fuck Penelope - every inch of you is so gorgeous - I can't believe you let me touch you..."
He can't help but drop a few more kisses high on the back of her thigh as he trails his fingers over her warm soft skin - then licks her and sucks - Penelope gasps and tenses as rivulets of pleasure seem to spark and roll from where his mouths joins with her.. She cries out...but Luke won't let her rise too far or too fast yet...so he switches back to just hand work and then starts back up his story - his voice a bit more low and rough than before.
"So once I got over the whole first shock of meeting you and proceeded on my quest to make friends with you...I basically swung between telling myself I was trying to be nice only because we had to work together not because I would give anything for you to look at me - and trying every night not to fantasise about all the things I wanted to do with you naked of which I frankly sucked at.
I actually looked up the fraternisation rules to see if it would be ok to ask you out... there was more to it... but you were a giant reason why I resisted joining the team at first... because if I went back to the fugitive task force... we might have been allowed to date...although dating and the taskforce never really was possible so I don't really get what I was thinking..."
He's rubbing magic into her foot now.
"...but - and this is the part I hate ...am ashamed of - because even with being so... vicerally attracted to you... couldn't help but flirt with you...back then...I...I was sceptical we could ever work... I wondered stupidly how my priorities could ever line up with someone who - despite the mountain of evidence to the contrary - didn't take care of themselves. I was afraid of... what people would say if we did get together... hell I was both afraid I wouldn't still be attracted to you if I got close enough to touch you... and what it might mean about me if I was still attracted to you - despite... because...uh... because I was uh fit...and you were..."
He forces himself to use the word again - but this time it is harder. The word he had been trained by family and society was not to be used ever to describe a woman - that was the worst thing you could say - that could make the worst insults uglier and crueller...but that he had more recently learned was being reclaimed - that more and more people were trying to undo the negative connotations and get people to see it as just another description - void of negative connotations as a way to fight against discrimination and rampant fat-hate.
"...fat. Ok I need to jump ahead for a bit...I want to explain what changed. What I learned. Here. I am done your lovely leg - I'm moving up to your back and other arm."
Luke does his thing with the blanket and adds more oil to his hands. Then places two hands on her shoulders and starts kneading and moulding the muscles.
"I guess it's not really that complex...but doing my profiling training...that was when I really examined my biases and then I got kinda addicted to YouTubers who shared their expertise and personal experience about physical and mental health and activism...especially um those who are survivors of eating disorders and those in the body acceptance movement...there's some pretty amazing people out there...fighting some pretty amazing battles... so I started seeing the effects of fear and bad, conflicting, sometimes biassed science about nutrition and weight and exercise and overall health in our work...but also more...in the world as a whole. I suddenly saw why I was having my doubts and I realised I was an idiot but maybe more importantly the things that pushed me and pretty much every other north american towards being an idiot about bodies and fatness and mental health...and..."
His hands have moved to her arm now - still gentle and smooth and strong - the cadence of his movements at odds with his rushed desperate tone. Luke makes himself calm down.
"Anyways...but even with all that I still was sometimes secretly worried that - if something did happen between us - it wouldn't matter to my stupid brain...and I would still feel or think something ugly when...I touched you."
He is massaging her hand now. He senses she has stilled - listening intently...
"But Pen.- I should have known it wouldn't matter and it didn't. Not even a little. You were just you. Well not "just" - because no part of Penelope Garcia will never be "just" anything to me - but I should have known...just as if you are dressed up or down..just as if you are wearing makeup or not...if you are healthy or sick or angry or happy or sad...moving or still...fat or thin...for me you are - will always be..."
He shakes his head to clear it.
"The point is that to me - you are someone precious - worthy of love and care and respect...whatever form that love and care and respect is allowed to take. And I guess that's why it was such a thing for me that you feel you can trust me with your words - your body - your care."
Luke is done.
Literally.
He has no more words - and he feels physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted from the massage and the story.
Penelope grasps his hand. Pulling herself up to sit on the side of the bed.
She peers into Luke's face - moving her face close to see him as clearly as possible considering vision.. Her searching eyes find the exhaustion and truth and beauty held in the dear lines of his face.
Silently she leans forward and kisses him trying to let all that she feels and thinks flow into each press of her lips against him - cheek - cheek - forehead - tip of nose - lips - palm - palm - fingers and thumbs - wrists - ring. His hands taste of vanilla and cinnamon and the oil makes her lips warm and tingle.
"Come to bed now, Luke? We can sleep if you want. You must be so tired and still sore."
Luke has somehow been salved and re-energized by her gift of kisses.
"Yes. I will come to bed now. But unless, you aren't up for it..would you mind if we kept going with this before we sleep. Please?"
Luke kisses her quick and lightly on the mouth pulling back when he tastes her mirth - feels the chuckle.
"I think I should be the one saying please...you should be spoiled now...what can I do for you?"
Penelope trails her hands up his chest teasingly - a promise of potential erotic delights she could give him - but he captures her hands with his. They both still and he gets very serious.
"I promise I will enjoy whatever you want to do to show me how you feel later...But tonight - I really want you to let me make love to you - just tell me if you don't enjoy something. Let me... just...let me try to make you feel good and loved."
"You've already done that."
"Then just let me try to do more of the same?"
"Really? Truly? That's still what you want?"
"More than I can say."
"I don't mean to question your manliness or anything... it's just you look exhausted...and...and I'll still be here tomorrow or heck in the middle of the night if you need sleep before whatever it is you are planning."
"I want... need...now... as long as you are still ok to keep going? Want me to..."
He looks unsure. He feels kind of crazed. It's befuddling - he wants - needs - to meet her needs but what if her need is to meet his - it's a chimera of confusion. He doesn't want her to say yes because it will make him happy - be wants her to say yes because it is what she wants - needs.
"I am humbled Luke - yes I want and I want it now - it's just a bit scary because you seem to know exactly what my secret deepest dearest desires are - the ones I barely let myself acknowledge because I can't help but think of them as selfish - I don't feel I deserve...
"They aren't and you do..and I am so glad you want now. But I might also take you up on the middle of the night thing after...and definately the tomorrow thing."
"Luke!"
"Ahn-ahn-ahn. What did you say about fighting? It can wait until we're friends...maybe that's true of sleep too?"
"That does not sound healthy. But I am going to stop arguing with you - since that was my suggestion in the first place - and because I seem to have won the boyfriend lottery."
"Lucky Penny."
His voice gives her shivers and as he speaks, Luke leans in to kiss her - but pulls back at the last moment and whispers before he closes the gap between their lips and stroking her lower lip - her tongue with his.
"After I am done with your delicious mouth - I want you to lie down again, on your back, head towards the foot of the bed...I have a massage to finish."
The kiss ravishes her. He drinks her spit, breathes her breath, tastes her tongue..the kiss is hot - but he notices she is not kissing back the way she normally does...instead she is giving him what he asked - not holding herself aloof or unfeeling but letting herself feel him kissing her...letting him give her pleasure without feeling like she needs to be giving back in the same way. She moans and he can't help but nuzzle and press his clothed but straining cock against her soft belly in reply...cupping her round naked bottom with large warm rough hands and pulling her closer. Penelope's head tips back and he moves his mouth to the pulse point on her throat.
"Mark me." she whispers. So he sucks hard and long at the the spot he had been nibbling with soft lips - fitting his fingers unconsciously over the little bruises he had left on her sides that afternoon while they fucked. She lets out a long howl as the pressure builds and when he raises his head there is a round red mark proclaiming:
Luke has been here. This woman is his
"Now lie down, please - head at the foot - a bit more toward the middle of the bed..there… perfect."
Luke helps her into the position he described, tucking a pillow under her hips, covering her to just over her nipples with the heavy blanket, reverently kissing the tops of her breasts before moving the stool to the end of her bed so that he is directly at her crown. He oils up his hands again and slides his them onto the tops of her shoulders and down either side of her throat - stroking her chest long and slow - letting the tips of his fingers dip beneath the edge of the blanket to brush over her erectly sensitive nipples them back up - smooth and strong to the column of her throat - he eventually runs his hands up the back of her neck - elongating the muscles - cradling her head. Then using two fingers he smooths her cheeks - sliding firmly out from her nose - then stroking her forehead with his thumbs - pulling the stress out and off of her features. Her eyes are closed so he kisses her forehead and utters a brief direction to "Rest for a minute" as he stands.
Penelope can hear him moving around to the side of the bed and the rustle of material hitting the floor - she guesses her lover is now naked - but doesn't move - just waits.
Her eyes are closed as he climbs on to the bed so that he is kneeling beside her. His hands are oily again and he pulls off her blanket completely - letting it thunk to the carpet beside the bed.
He starts touching her - hands broad on her shoulders - sliding them down her body in deliciously lazy firm curlycue-ing caresses. He massages her breasts. Her belly. Letting her panting, involuntary sounds and physical reactions guide how much pressure he applies and where he lets his touch wander.
More and more he follows his hands with a lick or a kiss or a seeking open mouth pressed wide to her skin. He blows on wet patches making her shiver or clutch at him.
She starts to mindlessly repeat and sob his name - so he moves down - kneeling between spread legs - which he plies with firm touches - alternating pressing kisses to each inner thigh.
Again he cannot help but mark her...this time he leaves two overlapping love bites on her inner thigh so that the red mark is shaped like a heart.
Penelope is crying out as pressure inside her builds. The oil leaves her body hot and tingling...and the feeling of his mouth in his hands' wake...it is exquisite...almost too much.
He doesn't go too fast though - and instead of moving to lick and suck her wet quim - the way she is expecting - he starts to lavish her belly with loving touches - exploring her tender flesh under the apron of her belly with his mouth - licking up to her navel - kissing along her scar. Again he fills his palms with her flesh belly and then - only then - he lowers his mouth - dragging chin over the thatch of hair between her legs and then burying his nose and lips in her soft wet flesh below - his hands still reaching above his head - holding her - and she reacts by bending her knees - squeezing in against his ribs - thrusting her hips to meet his tongue and lips.
Luke kneads her belly like he's a cat who's found a soft blanket as he laps slowly and steadily almost lazily at her folds - slowly layering sensation - building and coiling the feelings - not letting her build too fast - just deliberately - tenderly - stoking the fire he's kindling inside of her.
Penelope is in a haze of pleasure. She is - perhaps strangely - nowhere near orgasm but it still feels so good and the fact that he is letting her luxuriate in the sensations he's building without urging her or hurrying her is another thing he has given her tonight that is something she has experienced alone - but never with a partner.
As he goes on and on - slow and steady - so slow - so steady - the same cadence he used when massaging the rest of her body - she actually relaxes into the rhythm - her legs fall open and her hands unclench and her breath deepens and evens out - as she drifts and bobs like a cork on the ocean or a seabird circling lazily - catching first one updraft and then another - free and expansive. Luke just licks and licks and licks and licks - long broad even strokes which come close but never too close to her clit - never letting himself dip into the opening of her vagina - just long firm loving strokes which plump her skin and make her feel devine.
Finally he hears the sound he's been waiting for - a dark deep inviting groan - and her hips which had settled into a relaxed stillness flex hugely - one hard long high lift - lifting him back until he provides the perfect counter pressure so that face and quim meet and hold hard in still fierceness - she has not orgasmed - rather her body has just asked - loudly for more...it is a call that proclaims that he is accepted and she is ready if he wants to mate with her...and of course...he does... but as they are not creatures of only instinct - he denies the urge he has to mount her - cover her - tup her. Instead - when finally she drops her hips back to the bed as she tosses her head restlessly - knowing what she craves but trusting him to choose what he gives her next - so he puts his hands down on either side of her body so that he can lift himself onto his hands and knees.
He shifts up just enough so that he can nuzzle his wet cheeks against her belly and then rest his chin on her navel - holding himself up on his elbows but letting the rest of his body lie loose between her legs. He looks up her body - her hands come round to tangle in his hair - but she doesn't bother to un-relax - just lies back and looks up at her ceiling and enjoys the intermission...
"Nice?"
"mmmmhmm"
"Remember that time I ravished you in the shower in Banff?"
"vaguely"
Luke can hear the smile in her voice.
Of course she remembers - he had burst into the shower fully clothed because he couldn't stand waiting a moment longer to touch her...
"Well - ah...I never told you but...ah...that was the first time I ever wished there was a chance...I..ah...I...oh don't worry about it - you don't want to hear about this...sorry...ah ...uh... where were we?"
Luke starts to move - Penelope's sure it's to start some new pleasurable assault on her senses - but he's wrong..
"Luke. I do want to know. Come up here and tell me what you wished. Please? "
So Luke moves up to lie beside her and Penelope rolls to her side so they are face to face.
Penelope can't help but stroke his still sticky cheek - briefly kiss his lips that taste of herself - then whispers...
"Luke? What did you wish?"
"I...". he swallows convulsively - maybe telling her this would be a mistake...
"Luke, I trust you."
So - like he always ultimately does - he chooses to trust her too.
"In the shower - when I came in you - I...I wished...for the first time with any woman...I wished...imagined what it could be like if I wasn't wearing a condom and you didn't have the I.U.D. - I wished...I wished there was more of a chance that I could make you...that we could be making...a...child. thought you might like to know."
"Luke."
And then she kisses him because there are both too many words and none. But then one question bursts out of her...
"This time - want to pretend that you - we are - trying..."
... she stumbles to a stop - immediately feeling guilty because the idea will undoubtedly make things even harder and more complicated than they already are...but it's not like they've let that stop them up to now...
The thought is cut off by Luke - rolling her onto her back - thrusting his cock into her - balls deep - in one smooth movement.
"Yes."
They kiss like it is going out of style.
Luke thrusts hard once - twice - three times before he can reign himself in - pushed deep inside her - this was not what he'd planned...but they were here now... and he is not sorry. He can't help but start building the fantasy she's proposed...
"Penelope - I feel good about this time - I can't wait for you to be carrying our... child."
"Oh Luke - please - yes."
He massages a breast. Then whispers...
"I can't wait until these are filled with milk - you are going to be an amazing mother."
"And you - a father - Luke I need you now - hard now - please."
And that's more than enough for Luke. He can't stop himself now he is thrusting again super hard and deep.
Penelope is scrabbling at his back - mewling and bucking beneath him.
"Luke - please - keep - now - oh - oh - oh - yes please - now - please now now now"
"Pen- uh -ohh- YESS oh help now YESS. oh YESS - filling you - now - YES YES YESS YESS YESS."
"OH CUM IN ME - I WANT YOU NOW - OH - A BABY - NOW DEEP - FILL ME - NOW LUKE NOW"
...and Luke cums hard - their future child dancing and laughing in his imagination - made of joy and sunshine just like their mother...
...and she cums around him - shattering into a stronger substance - something ready for sugar and spice and snips and snails.
She holds him to her as her body shudders with his aftershocks... imagining what it would be like for her belly to swell with a child - to carry another's heart beneath hers.
Oh what have they done?
Whatever it is - for now it leaves them both more content than they ever remember being.
Author's Note:
If you want to read more about some of the ideas discussed here about fatness - I really recommend, among others, Aubrey Gordon's work who writes incredible essays about being a very fat woman.
For excellent resources on eating disorders and recovery - my current go to is What Mia Did Next on YouTube.
I guess what I want people to know is that you will never fat-shame or food-shame yourself or someone else into happiness.
I urge you to take care and respect bodies and brains - both yours and those of those you love have - in whatever way you can manage right now. You do not need to be perfect - but try to be kind.
For me it was helpful to learn that fat cells are an organ in our bodies with important jobs that are only now really starting to be understood by science - same as our skin, our hearts, our muscles - it is not just a tissue, or a fuel for your body to burn, or a substance to be purged. Being pregnant and giving birth also changed how I thought about my body.
You already know this...but it's worth saying out loud again. People are very very very very very rarely fat because they are bad or lazy or sinful - poverty, time, stress, physical and mental health, genes, education, and cultural attitudes towards bodies and food all impact how bodies develop and present themselves.
Cheerio!
Bacchic