XIII:

She was a little shaky after her occupational therapy; her wrist wasn't responding like it should and Liv was struggling to hide how small and helpless she felt. The fact that Chief Dodds was coming over and she wouldn't have a buffer to hide behind wasn't making anything any better, either. And Ree was being extra hyper because she wasn't getting to go outside and play because there was no one to watch her but Liv – and she couldn't very well go tearing it up after the little girl.

When the doorbell rang, she had to physically stop her daughter from running to it and answering it. "Okay, you, remember what I told you? Mommy's big boss is here to see her about work and you need to go find somewhere to sit and be quiet. Maybe you can go watch a movie for a while quietly."

Ree huffed. "Fine, momma."

"Good girl – thank you, baby." Liv ruffled her hair and sent her out into the living room, then headed for the front door. She struggled with the doorknob for a moment, then opened it triumphantly. "Chief Dodds, come in – thank you for coming, sorry about the wait… I had to get my daughter settled."

"No worries; I'm sorry to put you out, Benson."

"You haven't – not really," she said. "And I don't think I'd be anymore comfortable coming down to 1PP to have this discussion than I would be in my own home at this point. Why don't we go into the kitchen? Would you like some coffee or tea? A sandwich?"

"Yes to coffee and a sandwich, but you can point me in the direction of what I need and I can make it," Dodds said. He smiled wanly. "Your hands are shaking, Detective."

Olivia paused and bit her lip. "I… I had occupational therapy earlier and –"

"Ah, yeah, no worries. Are you hungry?" he asked. "I can make you lunch."

"That would be nice, sir," she said, letting out a tiny sigh of relief as they headed into the kitchen. "Coffee's in the pot, bread's in the breadbox on the counter there – there's sourdough, white, and whole wheat – and all kinds of things in the fridge or just peanut butter and jelly."

Dodds flashed her a grin. "It's been a long time since I had a PB&J. Your kid want anything while I'm fixing?"

"Ree, you want a sandwich?"

"I've got fruit snacks," Ree hollered back. "And veggie straws."

"Not a very nutritious lunch," Dodds pointed out.

"She snacks through the day," Liv sighed. "She got the metabolism of a small city from her damn father."

"Barba?"

She hesitated. "I plead the fifth."

"I'm not actually here to crucify you," he said. "Just to test the waters and see where you're at as far as coming back. Cragen said you were primed to move up the ranks before your accident and – well…"

"It may not be possible," Liv said. "I may not be able to come back at all."

Dodds gave her a dour look and said, "Where do you keep your silverware? I need a knife and a spoon. And plates."

"You know, I'm still getting used to it myself," she admitted, going to the correct drawer after only a moment's hesitation for the flatware, then retrieving a couple of paper plates from another cupboard. "It's much nicer than my last place."

"Barba's?"

"Ours," she declared firmly.

"Look, I'm not coming for you," he said, "but the last time we worked together, you were with that one guy and your kid was a screaming baby he dumped at the station in the middle of an investigation –"

"Don't remind me," she sighed, watching him make two peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwiches. "It wasn't my finest hour, believe you me –"

"No, but Don assures me that you've been on the straight and narrow ever since, with the exception of Barba having swanned in," Dodds said, gesturing with the butter knife. "Is this just a temporary thing or –"

"Not that it's any of your business but it's very much permanent."

He handed her a plate with a sandwich on it and said, "Okay. I hope for your sake that it is, because Cragen wants to groom you as his successor. I told him that it's not his finest idea –"

She took the plate and muttered, "Thanks for the faith, Chief."

"But he's insisting." Dodds pasted on a smile. "So… how long till you think you'll get cleared?"

She shrugged and winced a little. "I don't know."

"That doesn't sound promising."

"I have my good days and my bad – it doesn't matter," she said softly.

"Okay," Dodds said. "The shaky hands thing –"

"My wrist and shoulder," she countered, hoping it was vague enough of an answer that he wouldn't push for more.

"Could you fire a gun with any accuracy if I handed you one right now?" he asked.

She took a deep breath, then said, "If it was absolutely necessary, yes. But just for the sake of it, no."

He paused, then nodded. "I understand."

"I don't know that you do," Liv murmured. "Chief… I don't know if it's better for me to just put in my papers and take early retirement at this point."

He paused, really looking at her for a long moment. "Is this about the stunt IAB tried to pull on you in the rehab facility?" he asked. "Because it was uncalled for."

"No," she said, waving her hand as if shooing a fly away. "They're just doing their job. Fin was just doing his – it isn't his fault I was injured. No… it's… I'm pregnant and even if I'm cleared to go back, I'll just be pulling desk duty for the next few months anyway, and then leaving them in a lurch when the baby's born."

There was a long silence, suddenly broken by a laugh. "I assume Barba's happier about it than you are?" Dodds said with a sly sort of a grin.

Liv glowered at him. "I'll have you know that I'm over the goddamn moon about having another kid," she snapped. "However, one of us has to be practical, and it seems that that burden falls on me."

"Right, so, practicalities – here's your sandwich," Dodds said, handing her a plate. "You've got, what, four more weeks of occupational therapy and sessions with the departmental psychologist?"

"Yes," she said, "though I don't know why psych bit is necessary – I was in a coma, I didn't shoot someone."

"It's routine," he said dismissively, haphazardly slapping together a sandwich for himself. "Okay, so, my proposal is this: we get you certified for the bare minimum, slap your ass behind a desk, and you study like hell for the sergeant's exam. In fact, you're smart enough that you could cram for the lieutenant's exam while you're at it – it's only a month after the other one."

She glowered at him, chewing methodically before she swallowed. "Fatal flaw in your brilliant plan: what if I don't get certified to come back?"

"We build that bridge over the Hudson when we need it," he replied. "This is primo peanut butter."

"I'll tell Rafael you like it – I think he got it at Whole Foods," she said in a dry tone. "It's like $10 and organic or some shit."

"$10 for peanut butter?" Dodds asked incredulously.

"Rafael takes his food very seriously," Liv said with a small smirk.

"Momma, my juice box is leaking," Ree yelped from the living room.

"That sounds like a job for super mom," Dodds said.

She glared at him. "You shut up," Liv muttered. "Just because you fucked your kids up doesn't mean the rest of us will." She grabbed a rag and a plastic storage container and headed out to figure out how to clean up the disaster.

"Olivia? Hermosa?"

She groaned and swatted at him. "Go 'way," she mumbled. "Sleeping."

"Yes, I can see that," Rafael sighed, "but I brought dinner home with me."

"Feed your kid," she whined.

"I'm trying to," he muttered. "Serenity is already downstairs eating her weight in beef and broccoli and crab rangoon. I don't know what the other kid is going to want –"

"Not Chinese," Liv muttered.

"You love Chinese."

"Your asshole spawn doesn't want it."

"Okay, what does he want, then?"

"She wants to go back to sleep," Liv said. "I'm not hungry. I'm queasy and dizzy."

"You want some toast?"

"No."

"You want me to –"

"I want to go back to sleep, Raf. Please." It must have been the fact that she hadn't even tried to get up from her prone position on the bed that finally hammered home how badly she felt. She closed her eyes and buried her face in the pillow again, trying to muffle the feelings of vertigo, nausea, and –

The bed dipped under Rafael's weight as he sat down and gently rubbed her back. "What can I do to help, sweetheart?" he asked softly.

"Remind me not to eat that fancy ass peanut butter of yours again," she mumbled. "It's hell coming back up."

"No more peanut butter – got it," he said. "Do I need to go out to the drug store?"

She made a noise, then shot up and bolted for the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet in time before she emptied her stomach of bile yet again. Liv gagged and heaved until her vision went black around the edges and her ears were ringing, but she tried to concentrate on the cold damp cloth that Rafael put on the back of her neck and the fact that he was holding her hair back out of the way.

"It's okay, Liv," he whispered as she panted, trying to catch her breath, leaning back against him weakly. "You're sure this is normal?"

"Nothing about pregnancy is normal," she choked out. "I couldn't stand the smell of coffee when I was pregnant with Ree. And I threw up every time I ate an orange or drank orange juice."

"I'm sure Langan loved that."

"He thought I was dying," she said wryly. "At least it's just peanut butter so far this time."

He helped her up onto her feet and kept her steady as she rinsed her mouth and tried to clean up. "Liv, you'd tell me if something was wrong…"

"I would," she assured him, drying her hands on a towel before turning and cupping his face in her palms. "Your kid is just being a pain in my ass today – but seeing as how it's your kid… that isn't exactly far-fetched, is it?" She smiled and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. "I'm going to lie down. The nausea isn't so bad if I'm not upright. You should go check on Ree."

He hesitated. "Liv –"

"I'll be fine," she promised, heading back into the bedroom.

It was much later when she woke up to find him shucking his work clothes off in favor of a t-shirt and sweatpants in the dim light from the closet. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up," he whispered.

"S'okay," she murmured. "Enjoying the view."

He flashed her a crooked grin and quickly hung his suit up before turning out the light and crossing the room in near darkness. "How are you feeling?"

"Better. Your spawn must be asleep."

He slid under the covers and curled around her like a cat, holding her gently. "Ree did her homework and helped with the dishes," he said. "And she took a bath before bed."

"You're such a good dad," Liv murmured. "You just sort of fell into it and I… I do the mom thing every day and struggle."

"You don't have to struggle anymore – I'm here," he reminded her. "This is our family, Liv. Ours." He pressed a kiss against the back of her neck, his breath hot and sweet against her skin. "Whatever else happens, this is ours and no one can take it away from us." His hand gently moved over her abdomen and rested there. "And you, little one, you had better be nicer to your mami."

"She already has you wrapped around her little fingers," Liv sighed, snuggling into his embrace and closing her eyes.

"You think we're having another girl?" he asked.

"Mmmhmm," she replied, "now go to sleep."

"Can I ask why?"

"Because she's doing her best to annoy the fuck out of me in every way a little bitch possibly can," Liv muttered. "Rafael, go to sleep – you've got to get up early."

"I love you."

"I love you, too – now go to sleep."

"Eres la luz de mi vida, el aire en mis pulmones, la alegría en mi corazón. Te adoro siempre en todos los sentidos." His words were low, muffled as they poured like precious jewels against the skin along her neck, and she shivered as they coursed over her.

"Ve a dormir, Rafael." She linked her fingers with his, squeezing his hand tightly beneath the blankets.

TBC...