Author's Note:
Special thanks to the lovely 87WW for helping me with an early draft of this chapter (whose fics are awesome! You should check them out if you haven't yet!) and my irl friend who edited a later draft and provided some really really appreciated and excellent suggestions. Any mistakes are, of course, mine.
I was really nervous about this chapter - so as always - any thoughts would be very very appreciated.
Also FYI - no sex in this one - but some cursing.
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Thursday - December 21 - Day Off
TLC FOR LUKE DAY
Days to Friendship: 11
Relationship Status: A (fighting) couple
…………………………………………..
It is around 1 AM when Penelope and Luke and Roxy get home from babysitting.
Home Sweet Home.
Luke's brain slams against the word 'home' then self-flagellates savagely with a mental correction - over and over like a skipping record from hell:
Shut the Fuck Up You Penis Wrinkle - Penelope's Apartment is not Home and never fucking will be.
Shut the Fuck Up You Penis Wrinkle - Penelope's Apartment is not Home and never fucking will be.
Shut the Fuck Up You Penis Wrinkle - Penelope's Apartment is not Home and never fucking will be.
Luke can feel the rage building and snaking through his body - like the unwanted unwarranted emotion is an under-skin parasitic worm that has invaded his body and is doing its filthy best to burrow through every inch of him - leaving its venomous larvae in its wake.
He is almost - but only almost - overwhelmed by the urge to howl - hit - bite - thrash - tear down anything - everything - everyone - anyone - even her - god help him - especially her. Anything that will let him cast this poison - these ugly urges - out of his body before they consume him - wreck him. Everything inside and outside of him excoriates like another vicious strand of barbed electrified wire being dragged over already raw and damaged flesh.
It is taking everything in Luke to keep himself in check - to not give into the irrational impulses - that he knows - knows - are not really him. Are not really who or how he is…
...but it is like being forced to the edge of a precipice while overcome by vertigo - like he has been unjustly thrown into one of the Sky Cells of the Eyrie…
The terror conjured in Luke when he first read of those mountain peak open-sided cells in the first Game of Thrones novel still haunts his waking brain and curses his nightmares - and the screaming anger in his brain right now is lashing like the wind In the book which convinces the foresaken that the only way the terror - the lack of control - the madness - can be mastered is to hurl yourself over the edge into abyss…
Roxy - who's been off leash for the whole walk from the car to the apartment and who's recent habit has been to immediately bound off to find Sergio to say hello - has stayed beside Luke. She sends Sergio a look and clocks that the cat's animal senses have picked up on the new mood between their people. It is an uneasy tension and it is not fueled by the mating dance signals that have been so obvious to the two furry friends for the last few days.
After closing and locking the door behind them, Luke comes to a standstill - his car keys still held loosely in his fingers and his bag slung over his shoulder. He forces himself stare vacantly into space - breath - trying to interrupt the ugly and talk himself off the ledge - not into the abyss. Not letting himself redirect his self-abuse at Penelope - even though suddenly every move she makes seems purposely designed to irritate - dropping her coat over the back of a chair instead of putting it in the closet - kicking her boots off without undoing them properly - breathing.
He thought he had talked himself down successfully during the ride home from the sudden pure unfocused rage that rushed In on the heels of the pride he felt when thanked by Kristy for digging Matt out of the avalanche - but the second he entered the apartment…
Roxy catches the scent of his turmoil mounting even higher than it had been when they had started the drive home - and it had been very sharp then. The capable Belgian Malinois responds as she did when he was struggling after Iraq - she has dealt with this before since anger has almost always been his response to stress - so he trained her to help him not give in - come back to centre. These days they mostly deal with nightmares instead of rages, but she remembers her training and sits at his feet at attention - barks once - then waits for him to either come down and pat her or give her an instruction.
As if on cue, Luke hunkers down and runs his hands over Roxy's soft coat - running her ears through his fingers - it's better - not enough but better. He forces himself to control his breathing and do a body scan - to access his level of control - to evaluate his options and come up with a plan that will reduce the chances he'll cause harm to himself and those around him...but the only solution his muddled brain comes up with is retreat.
Penelope crosses to Sergio and pats him carefully - looking anxiously back at Luke. She's not quite sure what's wrong but he'd been all but silent on the ride back from Matt's - holding onto the steering wheel with a ten and two death grip - all but ignoring any attempts she's made to engage him in conversation - answering her first few tentatives questions with clipped monosyllabic answers - polite enough but not engaged so she'd left him alone.
When they arrived here he had finally taken her hand and smiled at her - he even told her a funny story about the boys' bedtime - making her think whatever had been bothering him had been resolved… vanquished… but apparently it wasn't that easy. Whatever it is - is clearly back with Luke.
I'll give him a minute - Roxy is on the case after all.
Once Penelope has given Sergio his scritches - she throws another worried look at man and dog. She is relieved to see they are still communing - so she gives them some more space and heads to the kitchen to refresh water bowls and to give Sergio his late dinner.
As she works, Penelope goes over the evening in her mind but nothing is popping out at her as problematic. In fact, from her point of view, the day had gone extremely well ...especially considering they had been watching four children and it was the freaking week before Christmas. That said - as she well knows - external circumstances do not always dictate mood - that doesn't mean that whatever legitimate hissy fit or whatever he's having is not supremely irritating.
Stop Penelope. Thoughts like that are not going to help whatever is going on.
So what could it be? She makes herself go back to the beginning of the afternoon carefully thinking about Luke's reactions:
There was no tension...or at least of the grumpy variety that she detected during the quick stop to pick up his swimsuit, mail, and various other bits and bobs.
Ok so then they drove over to the Simmons' place...he had held her hand whenever he didn't need both hands on the wheel and they had belted along to Bohemian Rhapsody... so no red flags there… well unless he had latent hostility towards Queen...
Next, he was all smiles while Kristy hugged them and thanked them.
Then what? … oh yeah... Kristy had shown her all the stuff they needed to know about for the kids' bedtime… while Matt and Luke swapped car keys and went and got the sleds…
The sleds. Shit.
Penelope remembers Kristy telling her that they had krazy karpets and two large orange plastic sleds…and that they were welcome to take whatever looked fun.
Luke had packed just krazy karpets…and.left the bigger sleds... which she thought made sense... they were easier for the kids to carry and were perfectly suited to the kid's sized hill Matt directed them to….but what if the sight of the sleds had...
Luke had grabbed her hand and squeezed a bit hard when he'd come in - but then he'd launched full steam ahead into superstar babysitting mode - helping the kids walk Roxy around the park - judging krazy karpet races - telling jokes - taking everyone for dinner - then they swam with the kids - him being extra patient when Chloe was afraid of the water - then he'd done stories and put the boys to bed while Penelope settled the twins….then they had sat on the couch - his arm loosely over her shoulder - and watched part of Elf - no funny business as agreed - until Kristy and Matt got home around midnight… he seemed fine at that point - although was he being too cheerful - was it forced?
She carefully thinks through the end of the night awkward goodbye that is part and parcel of the whole babysitting experience… the quick small talk - the hugs - trying to be both friendly and leave as quickly as humanly possible - the thank yous both for the babysitting...and...and tonight for the rescue…
Yep - that had to be it - there was something going on in his brain triggered when he was reminded of the last case….
She looks back at Luke - he's standing again - staring blankly - his breathing deliberate - his coat is still on - his bag is still slung over his shoulder - his boots are still on.
On top of that he's now holding Roxy's leash which has been clipped onto her collar and he's restlessly flipping his keys in his other hand. She's surprised she hasn't heard the rhythmic metallic jangle until this moment - the sound - now that she's noticed it - is jarring and invasive in the quiet.
Every single inch of her comes alert.
Her voice is careful and low - a voice meant to gentle frightened children and animals.
"Lu-"
Luke cuts her off:
"Roxy and I are goIng to go home tonight - we'll come back tomorrow."
Luke's voice is tight. Controlled.
He's not making eye contact - his gaze is landing somewhere in the space ballooning between them.
This is not good.
Fighting down the hurt and panic that have erupted in her chest - Penelope counts to five in her head - trying to resist the impulse to scream filthy words at him. Hurt him before he hurts her. Make him show something instead of this icy infuriating detachment.
Her brain scrabbles - trying to figure out what to say or do to stop whatever this is - trying to remind herself - despite her own panic reaction and knee jerk brain spiral - that whatever this is - is - probably - hopefully - not her fault or is even about her.
It had to be the sleds… I'd bet my hairbow collection that he'd had some sort of fucked up BAU Rosebud moment when he saw them… totally understandable considering he'd just dug out Matt and JJ from an avalanche and they'd been of course transported from the slope by rescue sled as a precaution...shit. And I was the one who proposed sledding. Sometimes I am so dumb. He probably forcibly held himself together all evening so he could be there for me and Matt's kids... and then when he finally escaped - not helped by seeing Matt and being thanked at the end of the night - everything he'd been pushing down bubbled up like toxic emotional fucking sludge…
She flashes back to the night he woke up from a nightmare and accidentally landed an upper cut under her chin. When she had told him he had nothing to apologize for - he had exploded like she'd never seen him do before. He had screamed at her - claiming she was fucking crazy and stupid for being with him - that he was broken and would just hurt her in the end and it would be her fault.
Roxy had intervened as Penelope suspected she had been trained to do - and they had gotten through it. This felt like maybe he was in a similar headspace? So he's doing what he can to not explode...at least not in front of her….but it might actually kill her if he left now….ok not literally… in fact if that's what he wants….as long as he's safe…
She reminds herself she has training and personal experience that she can tap into - course she's also totally dismally aware it's not that easy-peasy when you're personally involved…ok short action based statements.
"It's late. What if you crash on the couch instead?"
"I have to go."
"Don't be an asshole. Why?"
"Why not? You're being one."
Penelope splutters an unbelieving snigger… and before she thinks better of it…
"Sticks and stones, Newbie."
At her sneer he can't help but spit out the words he knows will hurt her - underlining the statement instinctively with his most superior condescending tone.
"You are such a child."
He watches with bitter satisfaction as the words hit home and then smirks unpityingly as she gathers herself to fight back. Good. He is unrepentantly ready for a fight.
"You… you.. Fuck you. A child? Well then-"
She pitches the next words In an ugly disparaging singsong - as a sweet-as-arsenic smile smears across her perfectly lipsticked mouth
"I'm rubber - you're glue you son-of-a - No. Look. Arggh."
She bites back on her rising frustration, the tension sitting like a hard cold lump of ice at the back of her throat.
Luke crosses his arms...which Penelope notes gloatingly to herself looks ridiculous since he's still holding Roxy's leash… but his brittle smile that doesn't reach his eyes is the last push she needs...
This isn't helping. She tries to reset,
"You're right. How about this? You tell me what happened in that head of yours when you saw the sleds or when Matt thanked you or whatever. Then, if you still want to and I believe you'll be safe if you leave, you go. Deal?"
He snaps to - actually making eye contact.
"How did you…It wasn't...Oh for fucks sake!"
"Oracle of the Highest Order - remember dumbass? Although I should be slapped silly for suggesting fun in the snow so soon after that last case."
"You...No...I…". He growls deep in his throat. "Fuck. Just. Give. It. Up. Penelope."
A violent shudder tears through him.
"No. You're safe. They are safe. You did good. You're pissing me off. I'm pissing you off. What the heck else is new?"
"Penelope-"
His voice is dangerous.
But...so is hers - against her better judgment...
"Want to yell at me? Fine. It won't be fun but it will be less awful than you walking out that door and making me worry about you."
"No! Dammit Pen! Shut-"
He bites off the thought.
She can see him fighting with himself.
The silence stretches but Penelope takes that as a positive...he's not arguing or leaving...so finally she fills the air with words that she hopes will help...her tone is not as patient or loving as she'd like...but it's not as pissed or scared as she is feeling….so she considers it a win:
"Unleash Roxy - tell her you are going to be ok - so she can go curl up with Sergio. She's super worried. Then come sit on the couch with me. You don't have to talk - just come sit. I'm getting us big glasses of water. Ok? Or I can leave you alone in here if you prefer and give you some space - but do not leave until you are calmer."
He grits his teeth. His neck cords. Finally he spits out one word.
"Fine."
He's not moving though - just staring at her - his jaw working…
So she crosses over to him - stopping just short of his personal bubble.
"Fine. Here. Give me your bag and coat and keys. Good. Perfect. Now unclip Roxy's leash and give her a pat. Good. Roxy - go lie down sweetheart. You did good, girl. Now, YOU, take your damn boots off so you don't get water all over my rug. I am going to the kitchen and you better be sitting on the couch by the time I get back or I cannot be held responsible for what happens, Luke Alvez."
Penelope turns on her heel and stomps into the kitchen. She stuffs one of his stupid favorite energy bars into her pocket and then fills two large glasses with water. She then sternly tells herself to be nice and heads for the couch. Luke may be sitting extra stiffly but at least he followed her last damn instruction. She puts her glass on the coffee table and thrusts the other into Luke's hand.
Throwing a frustrated hard look at her - he nonetheless takes it and drains it.
"Good. Now eat this."
She hands him the energy bar which she opened while he was drinking.
Another glare - but she doesn't care - she glares right back until he eats the damn thing. He is not going to be hangry on her watch!
She ignores how he bites furiously - chews recklessly - swallowing too soon and too much but forcing it down.
And then he steals her water and takes a giant gulp.
She grits her teeth and can't help an angry inhale - but decides to let it go without comment. It's petty but as soon as he puts down the glass - she grabs it and drinks every last drop that was left - setting it back down on the table with a decisive glassy thump.
"Ok do you need the washroom or anything? No? Do you want me to stay with you or go?"
They scowl at each other.
Penelope raises an eyebrow.
Luke is the first to blink.
"Stay."
"Ok - here put your head in my lap. Sorry that should have been an ask not an order… oh...but...perfect. Comfy enough you giant oaf? Now - I'm just going to turn on the t.v. on low - and you just go right ahead and fall asleep if you want or let me know if you'd rather talk or y'know shout at each other. And you'd better let me know if you want me to turn off the tv or change the channel or whatever...or so help me Mister!"
"It's fine."
"Fine."
"Fine. I hate-"
"Luke, just shut up and sleep. it is going to be ok. Unless you don't want to sleep - then I will guess I'll listen. Sorry I shouldn't have cut you off."
The silence is icky for both of them.
"I want to stay and sleep. Sorry."
The bleak rage is subsiding from his brain, leaving a deep weariness. Where he found her behaviour irritating at first, he feels comforted by her persistent presence.
"I'm sorry too... for being pissed off instead of more supportive - but…just... just sleep Anne of Green Gables… as Ms Stacey says 'tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it...yet'. Look, I love you even if I am mad and scared for you. Go to sleep ok? I'm told it's the fucking best medicine."
He barks a single sharp laugh. It's a little brittle still - but she takes it as another small step forward.
She strokes his hair.
He gropes around until she takes his hand - holding just a touch too tight - but she doesn't care.
Ok she may have squeezed back harder than she should have too….possibly digging in her nails.
She forces herself to relax her hand.
"Sorry."
"Pen? Thank you for being so tough and loving."
"Always Luke. Always."
Luke closes his eyes and slowly slowly she can feel him relax.
Penelope quietly flips the channels - the sound is practically off - finally settling on The Holiday - which is halfway through and just coming up on the scene in the movie rental store. A smile ghosts across her lips as she remembers the first night they spent together where she used this movie as a way to tell him she was trying to decide if having sex was a good idea or not...since they hadn't yet made a decision about what the heck they were doing.
Finally, as Cameron Diaz and Jude Law kiss on screen, Penelope can breathe freely again: Luke has fallen asleep.
She looks over at Roxy and Sergio who are curled up close by - but are both watching their humans anxiously.
"He's going to be ok. You guys both did good. We all feel things sometimes that seem too big or scary or confusing - but Luke is strong and we'll all help him right? Thank you - especially you Roxy - you're much nicer than me. You are the best girl ever - his best girl. Now go to sleep you two. It will be better in the morning - I promise. And if it's not...well I'll just fucking scream or make cake or something."
Luke - who is almost-but-not-quite asleep - almost feels unangry enough to need to suppress a smile.
Yes - he is still reeling on the edge of unspecific chaos - still hurting - still needing to make himself dull so he doesn't lose his temper but… he actually believes that he'll get through this…that he is not going to break or break anyone or anything else.
At least not this time.
Roxy is definitely his best girl, but Penelope is his best woman.
…………………………………………..
By the time the movie ends, Penelope is officially exhausted - she also has to pee something fierce… so she carefully extracts herself from underneath a very sleeping Luke - settling his head on a pillow.
Once she has washroomized, she makes sure he's covered with the blanket, sets out another glass of water, writes him a note, and then heads off to sleep - alone in her bed for the first time since they got back after the case.
Luke sleeps through it all.
…………………………………………
When Luke wakes up - the winter sun is up.
At first he is completely disoriented - why is he on a couch - what happened?
Then it floods back. The temper he was in - damn it. At least he didn't completely lose it - do something unforgivable.
Ugg. Ok another day. Better. Not perfect.
He sits up and sees the glass of water and the note:
Dear Luke,
You are currently dead-to-the-world asleep. Hope you feel better in the morning - sorry for being a quasi-jerk. I've gone to bed to avoid neck cricks…although I was tempted to stay out here with you.
Looking forward to today - come what may.
Geez - that rhymed - I am a poet and didn't even know it.
Wake me up whenever you want. I'm serious.
Love,
Penelope
She is ridiculous. Wonderfully ridiculous.
And annoying. Very amazingly annoying.
What did he ever do to deserve this?
Luke buries his head in hands - testing his mood. The anger has dissipated...
So now it's just The Shame Show show in his brain…
All shame! All the time!
Useless.
No.
Penelope comes quietly into the room - pausing in the doorway.
"Morning. Sleep ok?"
Luke slowly lifts his head from his hands and looks up at her grimacing and gives her a curt nod.
"Uh. Yeah."
Penelope smiles and laughs.
"Bro - you sound like Sarah Silverman in School of Rock."
"I don't even know what that means."
Penelope crosses over to sit on the couch beside him.
"Your pop culture references need work, Luke. Seriously though? You feeling better? Ready to talk about it?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry."
"Meh. Me too. Nothing bad happened - you got upset totally legitimately and...and… I got fierce - it's life. Couples - uh - friends - people - argue - get angry… you should have seen my folks sometimes - we did pretty good last night - no one threw anything. Did your folks fight?"
"Yeah. Well, in front of us it was mostly bickering. My mom liked to keep the illusion that parents don't really fight...so a lot of it happened when we weren't around. It was a shock when I got older and first witnessed them really having a knock down drag out fight...I think it was about whether or not my little sister could date a friend of mine...of course that was the first time I really saw them apologize and make it up too. So I guess you give some to get some, eh?"
"Always. Here - you go have a nice long shower and change and I'll take Roxy out for a quick pee and make some breakfast for all of us...then we'll meet back here and talk ok? Then I think we need a day of rest...and movies. Your pop culture references aren't going to just magically improve themselves you know."
Luke shakes his head and laughs silently through his nose.
"Yeah. Ok."
He leans forward and kisses her on the cheek - then turns forward with a look of determination - slaps his hands onto his thighs, sliding his hands down to his knees in a quick decisive "onto the next" motion as he stands up.
"Alrighty off I go too. Have a nice shower. Do you need anything?"
"Nah, I've got this."
"We've got this."
"Yeah. We've got this. Thanks Pen."
"Anytime Newbie."
He crosses to the washroom as commanded - tentatively optimistic that things will work out.
Better. Not perfect.
Not a bad motto. Things could be worse.
…………………………………………
"So what happened?"
Luke takes a breath and then begins the explanation he quazi-rehearsed in the shower:
"You were right - I was fine and then I saw the orange sleds. And... Look I was just suddenly back watching Matt and JJ being taken off the mountain in Washington to be checked out at the hospital even though we were pretty sure they were fine...and...see in that moment I wasn't tied up with guilt or anything - I was proud of all my contributions to catching those unsubs - for helping to save Matt and JJ… sometimes on this job you feel helpless and like anyone else would have done more and better to stop the bad guys… but sometimes you get this glow of 'yeah - I did good - and no one else could have done it quite as good'... You must feel that all the time?"
"Less often than you might think. But Luke you should feel that way… you were the key to us being able to save all those lives."
"Yeah - but… with us…"
He closes his eyes trying to gather his thoughts…
"Look if I was just another replaceable agent… I could just put in for a transfer with no regrets and you could stay with the team… and we could… but the case - that feeling I was reminded of first when I saw the sleds...and then again when Kristy gave me that thank you hug...made me feel like I am special - that I am not easily replaceable. And… worse it reminded me that I don't want to be just another agent. I love being a key member of the BAU. I love the team. The family."
"That's a good thing, Luke. We've already talked about this - that's why we're doing this whole lovers to friends thing. They need us - both of us - and they need us to be able to focus and not be conflicted by all the things that go along with being in a romantic relationship. Right?"
"Yeah but… what if I am not all that special? What if I am completely replaceable and I just am staying because I love my job? What if I'm choosing ego - my stupid love of being the hero - over you? For no real reason other than pride? If it was someone else putting their work ahead of the person they love, I would have nothing but contempt for them. That's - I think - what triggered the anger last night."
"Luke, you would never do such a thing and neither would I. We are smart people - we need to trust the conclusions we've come to and the plan we've put in place. I don't say this because I blame you for last night or your anger or doubts… but because I need you to not beat yourself up. I can't let someone I love - be they friend or something else - do that to themselves. Both of us are integral to the team and we both are allowed to feel pride in the work we do. Sure - they could replace either of us if they had to…it's not like the team was disbanded when Elle or Gideon or Morgan or Hotch or Kate or Blake or...or...Stephen left… you weren't there for all of them but each time it was hard - really hard - and the team has gone through a lot...in the last few years...Scratch
...Spencer in jail… but… this way… we can try to be there for them just a bit longer - we can help keep them safe - save lives. And we still get to be friends and work together on the best team ever right? That's pretty special. Better off in a lot of ways than if you or I transferred to another team...what if you were on the Fugitive Task Force again? On the road? Undercover? We couldn't really be together then either, right? And you would hate any sort of desk job - so even if we could be together more consistently - you would never be truly happy… and I would hate that. I could leave...but then we go back to the whole… would my family be ok? And right now - honestly? I don't think they would be. There's been too much...grief and change… it may not be this way forever… but we also can't stop living our lives on a maybe.
"Yeah."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah - but I still don't have to be happy about it."
"Me neither. Alrighty - today is your day to be pampered - any requests?"
"The movie thing sounded good as a start. Then see how we feel?"
"Sounds good. Hie thee to my DVD collection and if you don't see something you fancy … we can go rent something or watch cable. Capiche?"
"Sounds good. Can you make popcorn while I choose, if I bat my eyes at you and say pretty please?"
"Nope."
"No?"
"The price of popcorn is a kiss - eye batting only gets you jelly beans."
"My mistake…" and for the first time since last night Luke really really grins at her - he feels lighter and actually happy "...so what would I owe you if I want pizza, beer, licorish, and chocolate cake?"
Then he leans in and kisses her.
…………..
To be continued…
Reminder - let me know if you'd like to read the "non-break-up" version. Chapter 8 in that version includes a meeting with Emily and a quickie at Luke's place...with babysitting adventures still to come!
Also - "Penis Wrinkle" turned up on a Google search for "Army Insults"... Apparently one commander used it on new recruits during one soldier's boot camp… word to the wise - don't google Army Insults unless you are prepared from some definite ick.
Thanks for reading. You all are the best.