XVII:

"Baby Boy Doe has another hearing today," Rafael remarked casually as he knotted his tie and quirked an eyebrow at her. "Apparently, the latest round of foster parents had too many children in the home and was neglecting his needs."

She sighed and shook her head, frowning. "Isn't it sad that the older girls are in stable environments now, but the one child that should be unproblematic – a little blue eyed baby boy – isn't?"

"He isn't blond," he pointed out acerbically.

"Oh, hush," she muttered. "Western beauty standards are bullshit."

Rafael grinned at her and cozied up, wrapping his arms around the top of her waist, holding her as close as he could manage. "Says the most gorgeous woman in the world – who is getting promoted to Lieutenant today," he replied.

"Don't remind me," Liv sighed. "I can't wear my uniform because your damn child is too big."

"Our damn child is perfect," he shot back, his voice soft.

She swallowed hard and whispered, "She is."

"Just keep her in there till that little oven timer pops off," he reminded her gently. "I'm sorry Dodds and the Commissioner won't let you go to the investiture."

She shrugged. "It's because I'd be out of uniform and on my feet for a long time – it's practical accommodation," Liv sighed. "I'm just tired of being treated like I'm made out of porcelain. I'm pregnant, not –"

"Mi amor, not that long ago, you almost died," he reminded her gently. "In fact, I still wake up in the night and listen to make sure you're breathing. I don't know that I'm ever going to be able to break that habit." The confession was very quiet, so soft and emotional as to be heartbreaking, and she turned in his arms to look at him.

"I'm not going anywhere," Liv promised, putting her hand on his cheek. "Someone has to keep you and Ree out of trouble."

Rafael bit back a laugh; the tears swimming in his green eyes were held back, but only by a little. "Speaking of our girl," he said, "you know she's not at all looking forward to having a little sister, right?"

"Jealous?"

"No, just… afraid that we'll forget her in the shuffle."

Olivia shook her head and sighed. "Never. It's going to be another difficult transition –"

"I know I didn't shift seamlessly into your lives –"

"Rafa, she needs you – we need you," Liv began, but then corrected herself. "I love you and this is our family – I was wrong not to include you from the start, but I was terrified."

"Liv, it's okay, we're managing," he pointed out gently. "There are going to be bumps along the way, but we're doing okay for now. And we've got two more months, hopefully, to figure out how to get Serenity on the same page with us."

She hesitated for a second, then said, "Why do you keep track of Baby Boy Doe?"

"Because it bothers you," he said, tucking her hair behind her ear, his gaze lowering from hers. "Because it upsets me that it bothers you. Because he doesn't deserve this. He's just a baby."

She swallowed hard and leaned into him, whispered, "You know I have papers for emergency fostering, right? I've taken kids in before – older kids."

"No, I didn't," he said.

"I had to," Liv murmured. "There was a – a boy that I was legal guardian and foster parent to called Calvin. It was not long before we met that he, uh… his mother ripped him away and transferred guardianship to his grandparents instead." She forced a smile onto her face and tried not to look at him. "The papers are still good. I've taken a few kids in overnight here and there over the years, so I mean –"

"What are you saying, Liv?"

"I'm saying that – oh god, I don't know what I'm saying," she said. "I must be insane." She paused, hesitated, looked him finally in the eye, making a split second decision. "You can file your paperwork today and push it through – they should look at it as an extension of mine, since you're in good standing with the DA's office and everything, and you're friends with so many judges already. And if you want to make an appeal to Judge Linden today to emergency foster Baby Boy Doe, I'm sure someone would look at it with a kind eye."

He stared at her. "Liv," Rafael said with no small amount of hesitation and fear, "what do you want?"

"I want you to be happy," she whispered.

"I am," he insisted. "You and Serenity have opened my eyes to a world of happiness and love that I didn't know existed – not in my wildest dreams, Olivia. But… this little guy, he's got no one. And we have so much to give, don't we?" His voice was very quiet, he spoke slowly, as if he were afraid to voice his inner thoughts he'd been holding back. "I just – I know we have our little girl coming, and we have Ree, and it's going to be a challenge already, but… we can't sit back and do nothing, can we?"

She bit her lip and whispered, "You know who's going to shit bricks over your heart growing two sizes in one day, Mr. Grinch? Fin."

"Very funny, Mrs. Barba," Rafael muttered.

"No, seriously," she whispered, still holding him close, breathing in the smell of him, feeling the comfort of his embrace, something that a few scant months ago, she couldn't even have dreamt of in peace, "all we can do is try, Rafa. If they say no, we wait and see what happens – we could be back in a courtroom in a few months, after our daughter is born, trying again. But you want him to have a good life –"

"I think we can give him the best life," Rafael said.

She smiled; even a few weeks ago, he wouldn't have opened up to her like this, wouldn't have told her his feelings on the matter, just held them in. Rafael's growth in such a short time was proof that he was trying so hard for them, for their family, that he was trying to be a better person in general, and she had never been prouder to be close to someone. "I think you're right," she murmured. "It won't be easy."

"Nothing about us is easy," he pointed out.

"You're not kidding," she agreed. "We going to Uber together after the sitter gets here?"

"I certainly hope so," he scoffed. "You shouldn't be taking the subway steps like that."

She scowled at him. "Excuse me?"

"With your back and legs hurting like that, I meant," he amended. "Did you take your pills and eat your breakfast?"

"Yes," she muttered. "Even though you just called my ass fat."

"I did no such thing –"

Her frown deepened and she pulled out of his arms, going in search of the black flats to go with her black wrap dress. She'd been planning on going to the investiture until she'd gotten a quick text from Cragen saying that her presence wouldn't be required, but she'd already dressed so it was too much effort to change. But now she would be going to court, so maybe it was for the best?

"I am," she said simply. "It's fine, Rafael. I look like I stuck a watermelon under my dress. Your child is going to be big and healthy and I know this, but in the meanwhile… I'm a waddling fat ass. Don't mind me: I'll drown my sorrows in hummus and carrots later." Liv made a face: she was so tired of clean eating she could vomit. All she wanted was a greasy hamburger and a shitty dollar slice, but he kept her on the straight and narrow.

"Our daughter appreciates you taking good care of her," he said gently, putting on his jacket and smiling. "And you aren't fat: you're exquisite, Liv."

She blushed under the weight of his gaze, inhaling deeply when she remembered to breathe. "I probably ought to go check on Ree," Liv said. "And let Lucy in when she gets here."

"Lucy has a key," he reminded her. "You're being silly now."

"You're trying to distract me."

"Is it working?"

"Absolutely."

He grinned that crooked smile and she rolled her eyes. It wouldn't do to fluff up his ego and let him know just how much he affected her in her hormonal state.

"Lieutenant Barba," Cragen said, holding up a bottle of juice while Liv held up a bottle of chocolate milk. "Did you have any qualms about taking his name when you married?"

"No, not really," Liv said. "He worried about it more than I did, I think, but I'm not sure I cared one way or the other. It's just a name. What matters is that we were together and binding." She smiled and sipped at the milk, the cold drink soothing her parched throat. "Oh – I have to go to court this afternoon. Baby Boy Doe has a hearing at 2 in Linden's chambers."

"That's, what, four hearings since we found him?" Cragen asked with concern. "Aren't you getting a little close to this, Olivia –"

She hesitated a moment, fiddled with the edge of the label on her bottle that was loose and coming up. "Rafael is taking an interest," Liv hedged, "so I'm taking an interest."

"Why would he be –"

"Contrary to popular opinion, my husband isn't a complete asshole monster," she said, cutting him off. "If he was, would I be with him?"

"I don't know, you and Stabler were pretty tight," Cragen countered.

She clenched her jaw, then released it; he was right, in a way that made her angrier than she had a right to be given the circumstances. "Fair point," she conceded. "But Rafael isn't Elliot. They are two completely different people and while I love El like a brother, I love Rafael with every fiber of my being and I don't even know why I'm talking to you about this." She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, then pulled off her glasses and rubbed her eyes tiredly. "He isn't a bad guy, Cap. He just knows how to use his words to hurt when he wants to."

Cragen nodded and sighed. "He needs to be careful about that."

Her lips twitched into a smile. "Ree reminds him of that all the time."

"She and that little one will keep him on his toes." Cragen smiled. "You ready to do it all over again?"

"No, but I'll have more help this time," Liv said softly. "And knowing he's so excited to see his daughter for the first time… it's humbling."

"I never thought I'd say it, but he's good for you and the kid," Cragen said. "You'll need that support when you take over the unit." He took a deep breath. "I'm going to retire when you come back from maternity leave. No big fanfare or party, just… you'll come back, have a few days' transition, and I'll duck out gracefully one day like I was never here. Or, at least, that's the plan."

"It's a good plan," she said softly.

"Dodds is looking for a sergeant to cover the unit while you're out, so I can train them up," Cragen continued, "so don't be surprised if we have another random face soon."

"Yeah," she said. "Why does everything feel so big and… final."

"Change is scary. But nothing changes except what has to." He smiled and reached across the desk to pat her hand comfortingly. "Drink your milk: I don't want a call from Barba asking why you haven't been taking care of yourself."

She nodded and took her milk with her when she went back into the squadroom; Fin was waiting for her at her desk. His reassignment had finally come to an end and he was back at SVU riding a desk until Cragen decided otherwise, but Liv was just happy to see him again. "Hey," she greeted with a small smile as she ungracefully plonked down onto her chair and pumped it up.

"Hey," he replied. "Can I -?"

"Yeah, go ahead," she replied, gesturing. He perched on the edge of her desk and studied her for a long moment. "What's up?"

"Did I ever tell you I was sorry?"

"For what?"

"For what happened. The accident."

"Fin, it wasn't your fault," Liv assured him.

"Liv, you almost died – you were in a damn coma – and that shit's on me," Fin said. "Even now, lookin' at you, I hold my breath that you and your kid are gonna be okay just walkin' across the damn room."

She smiled a little, shakily. "Fin, this little girl is tough as nails," Liv said firmly. "But thank you for worrying. Rafael worries enough for all of us, but it's nice to know that you've got my back, too."

"Always, girl," he promised. "You know it's a girl?"

"Yeah," she said. "She's already the apple of her daddy's eye."

"How is Ree handling all of it?"

"To be honest, she's struggling – we're all struggling," Liv admitted quietly. "I don't know how to be a wife. I didn't know how to be a girlfriend. Hell, I barely know how to be an adequate mom. My kid was swearing like a trucker when she first learned to talk because she was hanging out with you."

Fin laughed and said, "No apologies."

"None needed," she said, waving him off. "She adores you. And Munch. God, she loves that goblin – who knows why."

"It must be the sense of humor," Fin muttered.

"Or the way he quieted her that night when no one else could," Liv reminded him quietly. "Not even me."

Fin frowned. "Liv… that wasn't on you. That was all on Trevor Langan and you know it."

"I know," she said. "And if I had married him, Rafael and I would be in a hell of a mess now."

"You always have done what you think is best for your kid," he said. "But now you're doing what's best for you, and the two happen to overlap. This isn't a bad thing."

"No, it isn't," she agreed quietly. "Fin?"

"Yeah?"

"Rafael wants to convince Judge Linden to let us foster a baby boy that was connected to a case SVU worked about two months ago," Liv said. "I don't know why, I don't know why he thinks we need to be involved or why we'd be a perfect match, but…" She hesitated and bit her lip. "I must be crazy because I think he's right. The timing is terrible and chaotic and we'll have two kids in diapers and I don't know how we're going to manage – how I'm going to manage – but he's right to think that we could give him so much."

Fin was looking at her oddly, and she was growing more nervous with each passing moment. Finally, he said, "Liv, you know I ain't gonna tell you what to do with your life. But this time last year, you were miserable all by yo'self with just Ree to keep you company and us to hang out with. I don't think I've seen you so happy since Ree was little. Whatever else he may be, Barba is good for you and your kid, and if he thinks this is something you should do, maybe you should hear him out. Maybe it ain't so crazy."

She nodded quickly and said, "We might need help."

"Oh, you get the kid, you definitely gonna need help – whatever you need, Liv," Fin promised with a small smile. "You know my digits."

It was only after Linden had ordered Baby Boy Doe removed yet again from the foster parents and confirmed his stay in another group home that Rafael could remain silent no longer. "Your Honor," he interjected, standing up.

Linden squinted at him through her glasses, then narrowed her eyes. "Mr. Barba, if you have something to say, I would prefer you to go through official channels –"

"Every time I do, I'm told that the case is none of my business, and that my concern is unwarranted," Rafael said with no small amount of frustration in Pippa Cox's direction.

"It is none of your concern," Cox said.

"Legally," he shot back irritably.

"Rafa," Liv cautioned, and he deflated just a little at the single word.

Linden sighed. "Fine, Mr. Barba, say what you need to say, but it's on the record."

"Good," he said, holding up a manila folder. "My wife and I want to petition the court for temporary custody of Baby Boy Doe. Since the state is failing miserably at providing him with adequate care, I believe that we can at least provide him with a comfortable home, medical care, and the love and support of a family –"

"I wasn't aware that you were married, Mr. Barba, nor that you had the proper foster care paperwork on file," Linden said in a dry tone. "Let alone your wife – you'll both have to be certified, investigated by the court…"

At that, Liv stood up and came forward. "Your Honor," she began, "you have my certification. And I vouch for Rafael – his paperwork may be newly minted, but only because he wants so badly to do this. You well remember the first time I had to emergency foster for a case and we pushed the paperwork through in two hours."

"Detective Benson –"

"Lieutenant Barba," Olivia corrected gently. "As you can see, this is the least convenient time possible to bring another child into our home – our new baby is due in the next two months – and our eight-year-old is already feeling displaced. But we both feel very strongly that we can provide Baby Boy Doe with a loving, stable environment that he has been denied so far in his short life." She paused and took Rafael's arm, presenting herself as his wife – his equal, but his partner in all things – for the first real time in public.

Rafael patted her hand, smiling just a touch, acknowledging what she was attempting to do. Then he said, "We want to give him the family he needs to thrive, Your Honor, even if it's only for a short time."

Pippa Cox snorted and said, "Barba, I will pay cash money to see you change a poopy diaper."

Linden gestured for the file. "Let me see that," she instructed gruffly. She looked over the contents of the paperwork and said, "Barth signed off on this? And McCoy? Did they know what they were signing? And the Police Commissioner – Barba, did you annoy everyone this morning?"

"I called in every favor I was owed," Rafael said, his voice shaking, "and I'm still scared it won't be enough. That we aren't enough."

Linden's face changed then; the hardness in her eyes softened and she took off her glasses. "Mr. Barba," she began gently, "I have known your wife for many years. I have no qualms in sending a child into her care; if she vouches for you, it is more than enough. That you have humbled yourself and knocked on every door you can and pulled in all of your favors even though you knew it was a probability that you would not succeed in your ultimate objective, that shows me that you truly want this and what is best for the child in question. May I ask why this boy? Why now?"

Rafael hesitated for just a moment, then he said, "He has no one. And we have so much to give."

Linden nodded. "We will need to ascertain that your residence is up to standards –"

"We can go now," Rafael said quickly. "Right, Liv?"

"You can go now – only place I'm going is the bathroom and the taco truck," she countered. "Your child requires sustenance." She tried to smile, but her blood sugar was starting to get low and she was feeling a little queasy; he immediately looked at her with concern, but she shrugged it off. They had to finish this.

"Why don't I head over to the house with everyone, then," Rafael said. "Mi amor, do I need to call someone to pick you up and –"

"Don't fuss," she said firmly. "You do what needs to be done. I'm sure Judge Linden will cut us some slack."

"It's just a formality," Linden said. "Assuming I don't hate your apartment –"

"House," he countered.

"Your house," she amended, "I'll put in a temporary custody transfer."

Liv let out a sigh of relief she hadn't realized she'd been holding, and her hand went to rest on the spot where her daughter was kicking furiously. "Yes, darling, I know," she agreed. "It's time for a snack."

"Good thing you've been nesting," he teased under his breath. "The nursery is basically ready to use."

"Oh hush," she muttered back.

"How soon are you due, Lieutenant?" Linden asked as she came down from the stand.

"My roundabout date is August third," Liv replied, "but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to make it that long – she's pretty excited to get out and meet everyone." She smiled indulgently over at Rafael whose expression had gone soft with adoration yet again. "We're ready for her, except for a name. Can't agree on that."

Linden smiled and said, "Names are very personal things – what will you call Baby Boy Doe while he's in your custody?"

"BD," Rafael said automatically. "It's just a shortening of the name on the paperwork. And we can change it later."

"Little man," Liv said. "Because he deserves respect, even if we can't give him a name."

Linden nodded and said, "Yes. Yes, I think however unorthodox your methods, Mr. Barba, you have successfully changed my mind about you. Before, I thought you were an arrogant prick who was just interested in winning cases and racking up a bar tab. Now… Now, I think Lieutenant Benson has worked her particular kind of magic on you."

He smiled at Liv and she nuzzled against him. "Food, Barba, or it might be your funeral."

"You heard the woman," he said. "We have to stop for a snack."

Liv woke up in the middle of the night to find Rafael's side of the bed empty; she grumbled and got up, going to the bathroom to relieve her seemingly pea-sized bladder before she wandered down the hall to check on Ree. The little girl was passed out like a starfish on top of her covers, looking for all the world like her father when he was drunk and a little unruly. She smiled and ducked back out, headed for the nursery.

She found Rafael with Baby Boy Doe curled into his chest as he rocked in the rocking chair his abuelo had carved after landing from Cuba in the 60s. Rafael had not been the first baby rocked to sleep in the chair, nor would he be the last, but by god, did he look content with a baby in his arms. Her heart leapt in her chest, unable to help itself. "Hey," she whispered. He opened one eye, peering up at her. "Want me to put him to bed?"

"He just went down again," he whispered back. "Five more minutes?"

"Okay," she agreed.

"He needs touch," he said softly. "It's like no one has ever loved on him before."

"I don't think anyone has," she said sadly. "But he has us now."

His smile was small in the dim light from the hall. "Yeah, he has us," he agreed. "I love you, Olivia. I'm sorry if I put you in a bad position today –"

"You didn't," she said gently. "And Lucy is excited to have another kid to take care of, so there's that. I'm really glad you found her, Rafa. She's good for Ree and she'll be good for Little Man."

He took a deep breath and said, "I'm scared. That I'm going to fuck it up."

She came closer, gave him a tender kiss, let him deepen it until they were both breathless. "Let me be honest," Liv whispered. "There isn't a moment that goes by when I don't feel that way about everything – you, Ree, my job…"

"But you just keep going."

She nodded. "Because if I stopped for even one second, if I let it show how much it scares me to be a mom, how much it scares me to be a cop, how much it scares me to be your wife… I would lose it all. And I don't want that."

"You aren't going to lose me," he promised.

"I love you," she whispered, kissing him one more time. "Come back to bed when you're ready."

It was only about ten minutes more before she felt him spoon up against her back, drawing her close and drawing idle pictures on her belly with his fingertips. "Te amo," he whispered into the darkness. She could gladly spend every night like this, with him, and her heart raced with the knowledge that he had chosen that route with her.

TBC...