XIX:

"I had to recuse myself from the Porter trial," Rafael said very quietly as they set out the plastic dishes and plastic cutlery for their guests.

"Why?" Liv asked.

"Long story," he said, eyes darting around for little ones. Satisfied that they were alone, he sighed. "A lot of shit went down in the last couple of days between criminal court and family court and I had to recuse myself due to new evidence."

"Okay. You can't tell me because –"

He hesitated for a moment, then murmured, "Baby Boy Doe has a name: Noah James Porter. His DNA matched a blood sample already on file at St. Francis Hospital in Hoboken, where he was born to Eleanor Porter. It's been a lot of legwork on the part of the ME's office and Langan and…"

"Okay. The bad news?"

"His father is Johnny Drake."

"The man you were prosecuting."

"The man the state is prosecuting. Now you see the conflict of interest," Rafael said. "I cannot – will not – try the case objectively. Noah Porter is, effectively, my son and –"

"So you're off the trial. Fine, that's –"

"That's not the worst part, Olivia." His voice was soft, low, full of pain. "It doesn't matter who prosecutes: Drake is going away. It's just a matter of how long and in what conditions. The problem is that he knows about Little Man already and is refusing to drop his parental rights. So even if we retain primary custody of him, he won't legally be our son, and we will have to take him to a fucking prison for supervised visitation with his violent criminal sperm donor. Because I refuse to call that man his father."

She rubbed the tense muscles between his shoulders. "It's okay," she whispered. "We'll figure out something."

He let out a shaky breath. "I'm sorry."

"No, don't ever apologize about worrying about our kids," she said. "It's what makes you a good dad. I promise."

"What are we going to do?"

He sounded so small, so scared, that it nearly broke her. "We're going to love our babies and take the very best care of them that we can," Liv whispered. "And if that means taking him to prison to see the man that gave him half his DNA, so be it. It doesn't make you any less his daddy."

"Doesn't it? The state –"

"He expects you to hold him and love on him," she assured him, "and he calls you 'dada'. Isn't that enough?"

The baby monitor crackled to life with Noah's soft babbling. "Mamamamama," he said.

"Sounds like your cue," Rafael teased.

"Wait for it," she shot back.

Within moments, it shifted to, "Dadadadadadada."

Rafael chuckled. "He's going to wake up Trish."

"She's probably already awake," Liv replied. "Wanna bring them both down –" She was cut off by the doorbell. "I'll go get that if you get the kids. Bet you money it's Munch or Rollins – she was hangry for garlic bread earlier."

She headed out to the front door and was surprised to find Elliot Stabler waiting on the front steps. "El? What are you –"

"Cragen said you were having a family dinner and I should come," Elliot said with a small smile. "I'm in the city for a few days for a thing and to check on ma."

"Kathy?"

"Kathy and Eli are still in Rome," he said. "Can I come in or -?"

"Yeah, come in – no one else is here yet," she said. "We were just finishing up."

"I can help," he volunteered. "I hear congratulations are in order."

"Oh, thanks," she said with a little smile.

"Lieutenant – it's a hell of an achievement, Olivia." Elliot was grinning at her.

"Oh, yeah," Liv said, relaxing a little. "I mean, that was easy. Of course, I'll take over SVU when I come back from leave –"

"You're on leave again? Everything okay?" he asked with some concern as they went into the dining room.

"Oh, yeah, everything's fine," she replied.

Rafael swooped into the room with Noah on one hip and Trish protectively curled in the crook of his elbow, a smirk on his lips. "Two little cuties to see mami," he reported proudly. "Ree is finishing her chapter and then she'll be down." He pecked a kiss to her cheek, then realized who else was in the room. "Stabler, what are you doing here?"

"Barba," Elliot said, his tone even but defensive. "I didn't realize you were still –"

"We're married, El," Liv said softly. "Of course he's still around." She gave Noah a kiss and tickled him, smiling at the gleeful joy on his chubby cheeks, and then offered her tiny daughter the same loving kiss. "Hello, my loves," she murmured. "Did you have good naps?"

"Cute little boy," Elliot commented.

"We're fostering him," Rafael said. "His mother was murdered by his father – who is a drug-smuggling, violent pimp and people trafficker," he sighed.

"Shit," Elliot muttered.

"El," Liv scolded gently. "Little ears. Right, Little Man?" She ruffled Noah's hair and wrinkled her nose at him. The baby wrinkled his nose back, smiling just a little, showing off his teeth.

"What about the little baby?" Elliot asked.

"Trish?" Liv said. "Oh, she's ours." She gently took Trish from Rafael, knowing that it was nearing time for her daughter to eat – she wouldn't fuss, but she would get wiggly and start looking for her mother. Better to cut the middle man early.

"I thought you and Barba hadn't gotten back together before the accident," Elliot said, clearly confused.

"Having sex and having a relationship aren't mutually exclusive," Liv said. "As little miss is evidence of." It only took about twenty seconds to get the baby situated and nursing; fortunately, Elliot had seen it all before and was completely nonplussed by the occurrence. "And, like I said, we're married. I thought the marriage and baby were what you were congratulating me about – not my promotion."

The doorbell rang again and Rafael gave her a kiss before flying Noah through the air like a superhero. "Let's go let in some guests!" he crowed excitedly for the baby's benefit as Noah giggled happily.

"He good with the kids?" Elliot asked worriedly.

"He is," she said softly. "He's still learning, but… he really is, El. He loves our kids so much."

"And you?"

"And me," she agreed, smiling. "But you get the babies in the room and I'm chopped liver. His face just lights up whenever he holds Trish and Noah; and when he's reading to Ree at bedtime, he's so soft and gentle." She looked down at the tiny baby in her arms and murmured, "I love him so much it scares me."

"Yeah… I get that."

"I'm scared he's going to take them and leave me," she whispered.

"Why?"

"Because I'm a dumpster fire mom."

"Nah, you aren't – you should've seen Kathy," he joked. "Right after Eli came along, she was about ready to knock the shit outta all our kids, and I never wanted to fuck her more. No offense." He smirked a little. "We, uh… might have had a little accident and a miscarriage. And she had a tubal after we talked long and hard about it."

"Ya got old," Liv said with a grin.

"I'm too old to be chasin' babies," Elliot said with a smirk. "Except maybe yours. I am gonna be godfather, right?"

"Depends – you gonna show up when I call?"

"Yeah," Elliot replied.

"Let Rafa and me discuss it," she said softly. "And I'll let you know, okay?" She was about to say more, but Rafael breezed in with half the squad on his heels. "Hey, it looks like company."

"Cap and Sarge were finishing up and Munch is stuck in traffic," Fin said. "Stabler, the hell you doin' here?"

"I saw Cragen down at 1PP earlier and he said I should come," Elliot said. "Good to see you, man."

"You remember Rollins?" Fin said. "This is Carisi – he's new."

Ree came into the kitchen and said, "Daddy, I finished my book." Her eyes widened. "Uncle El!"

"Hiya, squirt," Elliot said, grinning and scooping her up into his arms for a big hug. "You've gotten so big –"

"She's going to be taller than me soon," Rafael commented dryly.

"Not hard, man," Fin countered.

Amanda stifled a giggle. "So, ah, garlic bread?"

"She's hangry," Carisi said.

"Shut it, you," Rollins muttered.

Liv laughed. "Do I have to look forward to this when I get back?"

"All the damn time," Fin groused.

The doorbell rang again and Liv straightened herself out, passing Trish off to Carisi so she could be burped. "First uncle test," she said, shaking her finger at him. She headed off to the door, to be greeted by Munch, Cragen, and Mike Dodds. "Come on in – I think everyone else is here, now, unless Lucia decides to come."

When they got to the dining room, Elliot was swinging Ree upside down by her ankles, Rollins was talking with a piece of garlic bread hanging out of her mouth, Carisi was ever so carefully burping Trish against his shoulder and talking casually to Rafael, who was fussing over Noah and keeping the little boy occupied with a carrot stick, Fin was talking to Elliot and Rollins, who was clearly having an issue with Ree being held upside down. All in all, it was typical family chaos.

Liv took a moment to stop and smile at the scene, getting teary as she did. Munch's hand on her back brought her back to reality, and he said softly, "Olivia, this is as good as it gets. This is your family. People come and go, but the good ones stay with you forever. You've done good, kid."

"You staying forever, John?" she asked.

"Of course – your kids need their Uncle Munch," he said. "I miss Ree. And I can't wait to meet your little ones."

"Noah and Trish," she supplied.

"Good names for strong Bensons."

"I changed my name," she reminded him.

"Nah, you're still Benson deep down," he said, patting her on the back. "But it still stands: you done good, kid."

Liv nodded and smiled. She clapped her hands together to get everyone's attention, and said, "Who's hungry?" At the chorus of voices, she laughed and said, "I think everyone knows everyone and if you don't, you can introduce yourselves – but there are definitely three kids who need food immediately: Ree, Noah, and Rollins." Rafael let out a hearty laugh and tickled Noah's belly, smiling wider when the little boy laughed in reply. "So let me serve the kids first, and the rest of you can fight it out. Carisi, you good with my little miss over there?"

"She's good as gold, Lieu," Carisi replied with a little smile.

"El, I think you have competition for godfather," Liv said with a smirk.

"Maybe favorite uncle," Elliot said with a grin. "Kidlet, hands on the ground so I can set you down safely." Ree complied, and Elliot set her back down on the floor, safe and sound. "You are heavy," he complained.

"Daddy lets me have ice cream a lot," Ree confessed.

Elliot laughed. "And momma lets him get away with that?"

"Daddy is a good daddy," Ree replied breathlessly as she hurried over to where Liv was getting her food ready. "Momma, that's enough noodles – can I have more salad?"

"Yeah, baby, of course," Liv agreed, giving her a little more salad.

Rafael was dishing up Noah's pasta and cheese one-handed, and retrieving more carrots with an ease that surprised her. "There we go, Little Man," he said. "Now, into your high chair we go."

"Hey," she said softly, grabbing him by the front of his shirt to get his attention.

"What – did I give him too much?"

"No," she murmured. "I love you so much, and you're an amazing dad. In case I hadn't told you today."

His answering smile was enough to shine love into every corner of her heart.

"Do you intend to adopt the Porter boy now that Johnny Drake is dead and there's no legality standing in the way of you doing it?" Dodds asked, stirring his coffee fiercely. "I mean –"

Olivia had been back at work for two weeks, and Cragen – true to his word – had put in his papers and just disappeared a few days after she'd come back. So Dodds interest was self-serving at best and downright rude at worst. "Does it matter?" she asked.

"Mike was just telling me about it the other day and three kids instead of two, and two of them just babies – it's a lot," Dodds said.

"We're handling it," she assured him. "Noah is a delightful little boy who my husband and I love very much, and he's a good addition to our family. If the state is amenable to our adopting him, we would like to, yes. If not… then we'll be his foster parents until such a time as he's put back into state custody." She didn't want to think about that time coming; Langan had assured them that he and Linden were working together to keep Noah in their custody, but she worried nonetheless. "We have a nanny."

"I wasn't suggesting that you can't handle it – just that it's a lot of pressure to parent that many kids under the best of circumstances. I've got two and they were terrors. I can't imagine adding a third to the mix."

"We're fine," Liv said tersely. "Was there anything else, sir?"

"All the paperwork is up to date and we'll need to talk budgets –"

"Cragen submitted the budget before he left."

"Yeah, but that was with his salary still added in. You'll need to crunch the numbers again; not to mention you're losing Mendez at the end of the month."

She sighed. "Right."

"So do a thing and get back to me." He paused and looked at her. "You'll tell me if anything changes?"

"What on earth could possibly be changing?" she asked in scathing annoyance.

"I don't know: you tell me."

She glared at him. "I've been in the chair for a week and a few days and you want to undercut me at every turn. So please let me live my damn life before you decide I should change more things."

He got up and passed Rafael who was on his way in. "Make sure she eats something – she's cranky. I think it's low blood sugar," Dodds said.

"I heard that," Liv yelled after him.

"You okay?" Rafael asked as he came in and sat down.

"My blood sugar is a little low, but he was really pissing me off," she sighed. "Asking me all kinds of questions about the kids."

"You should hear the shit I have to deal with in the office," he replied with a small smile. "Ready to go get lunch?"

"Is that lunch with food or lunch with food and then fucking?" she asked.

"Either or – you're the boss. I penciled in an hour and a half with Carmen."

She smiled. "I'm in love with you, Counsellor."

"I should hope so," he replied, joining her as she grabbed her jacket and purse, striding confidently toward the door.

"Mike, we're going out for lunch," Liv replied. "Call me if it's an emergency, otherwise I'll be back at two."

Mike hid a little smirk, then said, "Yes, ma'am."

Lunch was a quick coffee and salad on the way to the hotel room Rafael had reserved as they walked, his voice low and tight with arousal, his desire for her more than clearly evident to anyone who cared to see it. She was amused that he didn't even bother to hide it.

They checked in and hurried up in the elevator to the single room that was waiting for them to defile it; and after they had wasted their passions and were tangled together in the sheets, Liv mumbled, "If I didn't love you, I wouldn't have married you. And I wouldn't have had Trish. Or encouraged you to bring Noah into our lives. Just so you know."

"Olivia, I don't listen to the assholes," he said softly. "They can think what they want."

"I just don't want you to think that you're settling –"

"Settling?" he asked, incredulous. "If anything, you settled for me."

"You always say the sweetest things," Liv murmured, drumming her fingers on his stomach. "Even when I don't deserve to hear them."

"You do deserve to hear them," Rafael assured her, pressing a kiss to her neck. "I love you so much; how else am I meant to show you?"

"Rafa?"

"Hmm?"

"Did I make the right decision to stay with the NYPD?" she asked very quietly.

"Why are you asking me? It's your choice to make: I'm just here to support your decision, either way," he said softly.

"It's just… I feel like something is different since I came back. The pressure is so much more and then I go home and it's overwhelming, trying to not show the kids how tired and stressed I am," she admitted. "You know because I can't keep anything from you."

"Do you feel like this is just growing pains and maybe it will ease up soon?"

"I don't know," she murmured.

"Paralyzed with indecision?"

"Just tired." Her nails bit into his skin, just a little, and she sighed. "Maybe I'm just getting old."

"You said that when you had your glasses fitted," he reminded her, "and I never thought you've been more beautiful."

"You're biased," Liv accused with a tiny smile.

"Again, I just want you to be happy, and I'm here to support you in any way that I can," Rafael promised, shifting onto his side and looking down at her intently with his green eyes. "Mother of my children, my gorgeous wife, the keeper of my heart… and one of the most intelligent, compassionate, bad-ass officers the NYPD has on the payroll."

"Do I have to go back to work?" she sighed.

"I have an arraignment at three," he shot back with a lopsided grin.

"Oh, aren't you special," she teased.

"Good thing your lipstick is kiss-proof," he shot back.

She blushed a little and mumbled, "Yes, but the mark I left behind your ear is going to get you questions."

He raised an eyebrow, then smirked. "Did I mention my wife is one sexy woman?"

TBC...