Title: I Feel You
Rating: T (? Trying to learn this funky ratings)
Pairing/Character/s: ByakuyaxHisana, Byakuya+Renji (It's there:O)
Word Count: 4,063 (I'm not used to writting so little)
Warning/s: Spoilers... um, probably all over the place
Summary: Sequel / Companion Piece to "Ban Kai". Kuchiki Byakuya doesn't like rain.
A/N: The title of this story is based off the lyrics to DJ Encore's "Out There", found here.
It's an excellent and really sad song, and it's what I had on repeat throughout the entire time it took me to write this. I highly suggest listening to it while you read: it really sets the tone.

Additionally, I want to thank Celeste for all the drabbles she's written, more specifically, her story On The Next Go Around which really inspired this Byakuya angstfest.

I Feel You
Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might be found more suitable mates. But the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to.
- J. R. R. Tolkien

Night draped herself across the breadth of Soul Society like a lover gently twining with her companion. The earth and sky came together in a slow embrace which spread the warm colors of sunset across the land before finally resting together in darkness. A gentle, yet warm wind blew through the cooling branches of sakura trees having already reached their prime, dropping petals to glide through the air and dust the ground. Leaves of trimmed bushes shifted slightly under the wind's guidance, pushing against each other to create a soft rustling.

Illuminated in the moon's muted light, a man stood observing the pleasant scenery. His outer robe billowed slightly from the breeze, and seemed to glow faintly white in the low lighting. Three atramentous locks of hair spilt across his vision from the confining forms of the white kenseikan. The hair adornments shown brilliantly in the half light of the hidden moon as if trying to counteract the starless night shielded by darkening clouds. Moisture clung to the air densely, making the cloth of each layer of robes seem far heavier than it was. There was no doubt that tomorrow would be filled with the steady reverberation of rain hitting every surface it could touch.

Kuchiki Byakuya hated that sound. He walked the sakura-strewn paths of his private garden with the foreboding knowledge that when he awoke in a few hours he would be pelted with that noise as surely as the rain itself would strike him. Rain reminded him of tears. Tears reminded him of her. Even after fifty years the image of his wife lying lifelessly on the futon trying so desperately to smile at him caused something in his chest to tighten; reminded him that he was still here, and that he still had a heart to know the feeling of loneliness no matter what lengths he'd gone through to bury it.

Walking quietly through the sakura trees reminded him of her as well, but he did it nearly every night. Each light reflected in the pond shown like her eyes when they sat outside together. The gentle caress of night let him reminiscence about her touch and smile, which were neither hot nor radiant, but cool and subdued. It let him remember why those five years meant so much to him. And, after everything that happened, his nightly strolls let him think without fear of anyone discovering his thoughts.

The atmosphere filled and surrounded him, carefully unwinding his mind until each thought could be looked at for what it was and not what he thought it should be. It had started with the oaths he'd made upon her death, both now shattered by his own hand. He unfurled each pledge as he walked, discovering each reason as he rediscovered every angle of his garden night after night. From there, it had extended more directly to Hisana, to his family, and to himself. Trusting in something else to tell him how he should feel and act had been so simple; turning to something that had always been there was easy. It wasn't until Rukia's near execution, until the true depth of the system's corruption was shown, that he could look upon that code and see the imperfect creatures that had made it.

-----

Renji limped into the Sixth Division's main offices looking like something the cat dragged in. Long strands of bright red hair plastered itself in any and all directions to his clothing, face and neck. His robes were sticking to him even as the water-logged clothing hung off him and dripped water on to the tatami floor. Each step he took resulted in a squelching noise caused by more water spitting out of his socks and the bottom of his sandals. Zabimaru was clenched tightly in his left hand, the remains of its strap dangling from the top of the scabbard.

Byakuya took the scene in slowly as his frowning, grumbling lieutenant carefully squished his way across the floor. "Abarai-fukutaichou," he began in an admonishing tone.

"Yeah, I know I look like shit," the red head interrupted, favoring his left leg while setting his sword down at his desk.

"Renji," Byakuya tried again, a warning now in his voice, but was again interrupted.

"I know, taichou, I'll clean it up," his vice-captain growled and sat down with a watery thump. It wasn't until he moved to remove his shoes that the large slash in his pants became apparent.

Byakuya set down the brush he'd been using to write with and stood. "Not until you see to that injury," he stated calmly while walking to a closet at the opposite end of the room. "What happened?"

Renji paused in wringing out his adjunct sash, watching his captain open the closet and pull out a small box. He sighed and started undoing the ties of his new robe. "It's raining so hard you can't see your own hand. Kenpachi-taichou was on my ass again, so I was running too fast. Careened into a construction zone an' the bastard just thought it was the funniest thing. I'm sure all of eleventh knows by now." The robe was folded sloppily and put on top of his shoes and adjunct sash. He shivered, but shook it off and gathered up his hair to wring it out. "Happened on th' way back, though, so you don't have to worry or anything."

"Dry off," the elder replied holding out a towel presumably gotten from the half opened box. Renji blinked slightly, but took the towel and set it next to him in order to remove his soaked shirt. That done, he set about drying himself off as best as he could. Byakuya sat down nearby, placing the box down and opening it completely. He pulled out a few different containers and a long strip of cloth. "After being healed as quickly as you were yesterday, you need to be more careful about avoiding further injuries. Otherwise the damage will compound even if you were fully healed."

"… Oh." Renji couldn't really think of anything else to say. His captain was talking as emotionlessly as normal, but was at the same time quite calmly administering medical care. The whole scene felt rather surreal already, but even as he watched the noble methodically cut open his pant leg a little more and start cleaning the gash in his leg, Renji thought he noticed a touch of exhaustion in the normally stoic features. He frowned, wondering how or even if he should address it. "Ah, taichou…"

"Bend your leg."

Blink. "Er, what?" Renji stumbled, not prepared for his captain to start talking again.

"Bend your leg," Byakuya repeated evenly, as he reached for another container of ointment.

"Oh. Yeah, sure…" Renji pulled his left foot in a little to bend his leg, but only by a small amount. "Anyway, Taichou, I was thinking… None of the other squads are out today, maybe we should turn in early?"

Byakuya glanced up then, but only briefly, his gaze sharp. "You want to turn in because of a small injury like this?"

Renji bit back a return jibe and settled for a short glare. "I just thought that since I have nothing else to do, and they aren't sending updates anymore because of the rain… that there's no real reason for us to be here, you know?"

"You have no paperwork?" His captain replied skeptically.

"Well, no, not really," he answered, rubbing the bridge of his nose in an unconscious nervous gesture. "I ran down to headquarters after dinner yesterday to get a new uniform, and thought I might as well pick up the work I missed while I was there."

Byakuya paused with only one loop of bandage around the wound, but quickly started again before his adjunct could notice. Abarai Renji had… worked on his day off? He had thought that the man's doggedness applied only to things he was explicitly determined to do. Then again, he thought, Renji had always been driving to surpass him: perhaps that didn't just apply to the battlefield. "Then once you clean up, you can leave."

Renji sighed and set his right elbow on his knee, so he could lean on that hand and watch his captain work. "I didn't just mean me, taichou. Don't you want to get out of this gloomy office?"

Yes, he did want to get out of this place that did nothing but echo the most dreadful noise he'd ever heard endlessly until he resonated with it. But, then, where would he go: home? What was there other than lonely corridors and whispers of what used to be; other than the cold, the pain, and emptiness? "I have paperwork to finish," he answered, pulling the cloth tight and fastening it in place. He sat back to re-pack the box.

"Can I help with any of it?" Renji asked impulsively, watching his captain as he closed the box and stood once more.

"If you could, it would have been distributed to you," Byakuya answered detachedly. He walked back to the closet and returned the box.

There was a hint of… something in the noble's voice. That there was any emotion aside from disdain there was startling, but this particular something stuck out, because, just for a second, Kuchiki Byakuya had sounded tired. Not the simple tired of being overworked or missing a night of sleep. Rather, it was deep and worn, like it had been there for some time and had just gone unnoticed. "Well, it shouldn't take you that long anyway, but I'll stick around in case you need something," Renji eventually answered.

Byakuya looked up as he sat down at his desk again. "Right now, I need to have the floor cleaned."

Renji grinned and sat back, "'course, Taichou."

-----

Byakuya slid the door shut quietly, and locked it before turning back around. The rain was still pouring, but the walkways were covered for a good length in each direction, so nothing immediate was drenched just yet. The air had cooled off considerably since that morning and even though he had finished early, it was still darker out. But it was the continuous noise more than any of these things that convinced him to visit her spot. It wasn't until a few minutes into his walk that the nobleman realized just how deeply rooted in the past his thoughts had become.

"Don't you live in the other direction, Renji?"

If his lieutenant had noticed his previous lack of awareness, he didn't comment on it. Zabimaru was slung across his shoulders again, half hidden by still damp red hair, which he shifted slightly when he turned his head to answer. "Headquarters is this way."

A slim black eyebrow arched. "Starting early again?"

Renji chuckled and shook his head, "Need to pick up another set of pants." He gestured pointedly to the recent, open rip on his left pant leg which was wide enough to see a hint of his bandaged leg through.

Byakuya nodded idly and returned his attention to his walk. As they reached the end of the covered walkway, the road forked: the left would lead on to the center of the Court while the right led off towards the wall and isolated gardens. Without a thought, Byakuya turned right and continued on. The sound of watery footsteps aside from his own made him pause along his path and turn to his left. The rain pelted him as he stood, looking at the now equally drenched form of his vice-captain standing just a couple feet behind him.

"Weren't you headed to headquarters?" He asked pointedly.

"Weren't you headed home?" Renji replied, though the tone of his voice indicated that he'd already known the other man had never intended to do so. There was no smile now, just a somber expression magnified by the sigh that came next. "Aren't you tired of walking alone, Taichou?"

"I do not recall asking you to join me," Byakuya answered and spun around, continuing along the path he'd chosen.

"I think you've gotten too used to being alone," Renji argued as he followed his captain farther down the road. The man in front of him kept walking, but he noticed the way the shoulders were set straighter: tense, defensive. Well, if that didn't work, then more drastic measures would be taken. "You know, if she was anything like Rukia, she'd probably punch you for the way you're acting."

In an instant, the air became harsh and dense: filling with the suffocating force of Kuchiki Byakuya's spiritual energy. Renji nearly choked at the sudden change and stumbled, trying to catch his balance. It was a silent, but forceful command to be quiet and leave before he regretted it. Unfortunately, Renji's survival instinct was being steadfastly ignored at the moment. He took a steadying breath and maintained his place, already having grown used to his captain's oppressive aura.

"I'm not going to run away, Taichou. If you want me to leave, you'll have to remove me."

There was a long, tense minute in which neither moved. Then, slowly, the spirit force lifted and the air returned to normal. Byakuya neither turned around nor addressed him, choosing instead to resume his walk. Renji waited a moment, just to be safe, and then hurried after his captain, falling into step beside him again.

Silence reigned as the pair walked on, down the winding path which had already been drowned in half an inch of water. Dingy sakura petals floated by as the rain pelted the soft ground to each side and the hard tile underfoot. There was a low rumble of thunder as the clouds shifted and a gust of wind blew by. It was as if the whole sky had ripped open under the strain of some unseen flood soon to manifest within the borders of Soul Society. Other than the constant pounding sensation and never-ending background noise neither shinigami really took note of the dismal surroundings: one focused on a far away past and another on an all too real present.

It was quite a few minutes before the captain of the Sixth Division stopped abruptly in the middle of the path, gazing off at something to his right. Renji was so startled by the sudden halt, that he nearly asked what was wrong before catching the way in which his companion was watching their surroundings. Really, he'd been expecting something more obvious: perhaps a bench or statue of some kind to mark the area. But the only notable piece near them was a large sakura tree whose branches had already been stripped of blossoms by the storm. Still, there was no doubt in his mind that every minuscule detail of this very spot was etched into his captain's mind. So, for a long while, he just stood next to him in silence, fighting off the chill trying to set into his bones.

"Why did you follow me, Renji?"

The softly spoken words snapped him out of the trance he'd settled into. Renji shifted his gaze to catch the one focused on him. "'cuz you didn't want me to." The gaze turned mildly irritated and almost turned from him before he added, "I told you before, Taichou: you're too used to being alone. And… you don't have to be." Renji cast his eyes upwards at the dark sky pelting them with water.

"I know she meant a lot to you, and 'm not going to say I understand what it feels like to lose someone like that. But I remember how scared I was when I thought I was going to lose Rukia after we'd already lost the rest of our family… and I think that terrified me more than anything else. I used to think it was because I loved her too much to let her go… but really I… I was just afraid of being alone." He looked back down, self-consciously avoiding his captain's stare.

"So I just… couldn't let you come here by yourself. I mean, you don't have anything to be afraid of, but in a way that's worse, isn't it?" Renji gave a nervous, half-chuckle and hazarded a glance at the man next to him. "Because… she really isn't here anymore."

Byakuya considered his lieutenant silently for a long moment. He knew, then, that something had changed. There was something fundamental that, over the course of the last fifty years, had built up around him: something that, during only the last few months, had first cracked and then crumbled entirely. "She could never return my love," he found himself saying suddenly with a sad, faint smile as he recalled the many times he'd tried so hard to gain it from her. Renji had a strange sort of confused expression at the comment, or perhaps the way he'd given it. "But for the five years we were together, she tried. Hisana was always grateful for what I gave her. And each time I saw her content… I was content as well, but… we were never in love… I always regretted not having more time to remedy that."

Renji stood for a moment in hesitation. Eventually, he settled on repeating the same, faint smile Byakuya had given him, though it was softer and less bitter than the one he'd witnessed. He brushed his hand against his captain's arm in a friendly, but oddly comforting gesture and said only, "I think it's time we headed inside, Taichou."

A regal nod answered him and blue eyes closed for an instant before the noble turned away from the scenery. For the first and last time, Kuchiki Byakuya bade the haunting memories of a muted love farewell. This time, the walk home was bearable.

-----

Steam slowly gathered in the room, a welcome counter to the cool mist accompanying the rain outside. Renji closed the door to the bath area to keep the heat in and continued removing the rest of his rain soaked uniform in the outer room. He paused on the last article of clothing, eyeing the tear in it and with a sigh plopped it in with the rest. Since he hadn't ended up visiting headquarters, he'd have to mend the pants sometime before work tomorrow. The sound of wood scraping tile accompanied him as he dragged a low stool over to the other end of the room and sat down to scrub himself before bathing.

-

Fire light cast flickering shadows along the wooden walls of the small room. It was empty, save for a low table squatting against the far wall, set fully though cleanly with a long scroll of paper and various brushes and inks stationed precisely along the top. Byakuya sat at the desk, brush in hand, carefully writing each character on the scroll with effortless precision. His posture was straight, with his legs tucked under in a proper seiza. Despite this, the Kuchiki heir was at ease: each stroke of the brush soothing his mind and allowing him a moment of peace.

-

Renji sighed as he slid into the steaming hot water of his bathtub, ignoring the dull throb that came from the gash in his left leg. The bath was soothing to his cold, sore body. He lay back, stretching out as much as he could in the deep tub. As he stayed there, letting the water buoy his frame just a bit, he closed his eyes and let his thoughts drift. It had been a long time since slowed down enough to allow his mind to wander, and now he found it perusing his more recent memories.

He hadn't actually seen Rukia much since the incident that left the Court of Pure Souls low on captains and high on construction and repair. Renji frowned a bit, thinking of how intent he'd been to improve himself since then. So much so, that he hadn't even seen the very person he'd be striving to improve for. He'd caught glimpses of her small form, sometimes accompanied by Captain Ukitake, sometimes bustling around to help like everyone else. It felt good to see her smile again.

As his thoughts hovered around the pleasant memories, he felt them drift to even more recent events. Renji didn't want to know how or why thinking of Rukia inevitably led him to her brother. Instead, he recalled the way his captain had been staring out at the small area off the path. The normally so cold blue eyes had been fixated on something that Byakuya had actually wanted to see. Usually, the nobleman's gaze was cold and piercing or distant and uncaring. He never seemed interested in anything around him, but just a short time ago, Renji was certain he'd seen an expression very close to longing on the man's face. He found himself wondering, however briefly, if Kuchiki Byakuya could ever express feelings that weren't quite so dismal.

-

The brush stopped suddenly, hovering in-between a finished stroke and the beginning of another. The firelight warming Byakuya's back had glinted off something to his left, drawing his gaze across the room to his neatly folded, pristine white scarf. He set the brush down, considering it. Although he was usually very meticulous with keeping the precious material brilliantly clean, there had been one time when it was covered in darkening splotches of red and gathering dirt as it laid over a soon to be corpse. He'd thought of it as a parting gift to his vice-captain: a sign of the begrudging respect that grew from seeing how much the man had managed to accomplish.

He could still remember how Renji had so gruffly shoved it back to him one day perhaps two weeks later. Now that he thought about it, it wasn't all that long ago. At first it had been hard to think of Renji finding the scarf again and spending the enormous amount of time it must've taken to clean the expensive fabric. After dinner in his lieutenant's home, though, it wasn't nearly has difficult to imagine. He wondered now, just as he did then, what had made Renji decide to clean and return it.

Byakuya turned back to his desk and stared blankly at the scroll he'd been writing. After a moment, he carefully rolled up the long strip of paper and elegantly tied it shut. He pulled out a small piece of rice paper and selected a smaller brush.

-----

The captain of the Sixth Division didn't look up when his lieutenant walked in that morning. He set his brush down and opened the small box on his desk, withdrawing a stamp from it. He didn't look up when Renji issued him a, "'moring, taichou," nor when he returned the greeting. The stamp was placed firmly on the bottom of document he'd finished and pulled away to reveal the graceful arches of his personal mon. And he certainly wasn't watching when his vice-captain paused half way through sitting down upon noticing the simply lacquered box resting on his low desk.

Renji finally sat on the tatami mats with a soft 'thump', regarding the box on his desk curiously. It certainly wasn't like anything the headquarters sent out: the wood was too fine and the black lacquer shone too brilliantly not to be expensive and well cared for. What the hell was something like this doing on his desk? He leaned forward, noticing a simple design painted on the top in red. It seemed familiar, but he couldn't immediately place it. Belatedly, he also noted a carefully folded piece of paper sitting primly on top of the box.

He picked it up. It felt like rice paper. With somewhat of a thoughtful frown, Renji finally unfolded the paper. There was only one word written in the middle of the page: "Thank you." Renji blinked and looked down at the box again. He set the paper down and, using both hands, carefully lifted the delicate top, setting it beside the box. The white material immediately registered, and so, finally, did the image on the top of the box: the Kuchiki family mon.

Renji looked up sharply, gaze warily on the only other man in the room. "… Taichou?"

Byakuya didn't look up as he folded a piece of paper. "I'd appreciate it if you kept it this time, Renji."