Legend of the kung fu python

by Coneofwonders

A human who is killed in his world is offered a second chance by a wise tortoise called Oogway. The human takes the offer and finds himself in a new world as a python. While in this new world he will make new friends, make enemies, learn to love and hate kung fu, and more importantly, have what he always wanted but never had back on earth. A meaningful life. Rated T for language

5. Chapter 5

I made my way into the barracks and found Po sitting in the kitchen. He was eating the last few bean buns that were left over from breakfast. I smirked and slithered over. I decided to tell him that Shifu wanted him.
"Hey Po".
Po turned round, his mouth was filled with food so the only response I got was along the lines of "Mmmmpfh mm"!
I laughed at this. I needed something to make me do so after what happened a short while ago.
"Anyway, Shifu is looking for you. He knows you skipped half of the training".
Po nearly choked and ran out of the room, thanking me for the heads up with another "mhmff".
"No problem buddy". I replied as I watched him race down the stairs, nearly falling as he did. Once he was out of sight I headed to my own room and lay down in my bed. What I wouldn't give for some blankets. The bed was so cold you would have thought it was made of ice.
I didn't try to sleep. I just stared at the ceiling, listening to the wind outside. It was peaceful. I closed my eyes and pictured myself sleeping in my own bed, in my own house back on earth. I missed it. A lot. But my place was here now whether I didn't want it or not. Maybe I should have just picked-
*Knock* *Knock*
My thoughts were interuptted by someone knocking on my door. No peace for the wicked right? I got up and moved over to the door. I imagined that it was Viper again, trying to help. As much as I appreciated her trying to make me happier, I felt better on my own. I would just tell her to leave, politely of course.
I opened the door. I was surprised to find Crane standing on the other side. Still, it didn't change anything. I opened my mouth to ask him to leave. However, he beat me to it.
"Hey Mike. I just came to talk about what happened earlier".
I sighed, knowing that none of these guys were going to let go of what happened so easily. Still I held my ground on my original thoughts.
"I'm fine. Don't worry about it". I tried to close the door but Crane just put his foot between the door and the lock. Why did he always insist on doing things the hard way?
"You don't seem all too fine to everyone else". Crane opened the door again. "We just don't want to see you beat yourself up is all".
"I'm flattered but with respect, I can deal with my own problems".
"...Well okay, if you're sure. We'll all be down in the valley if you need us". Crane left. I was alone once again.
As the minutes passed, my boredom grew. In my mind, I could hear a clock going TICK TOCK. I couldn't stand it anymore and exited the room, exited the barracks. I figured a walk would help calm myself down so I traveled up to the artifacts room.
I entered the hall, walked down the stairs through the door on the left and found a small room with wooden walls, floor and a wooden ceiling. There, several artifacts balanced on stone stands. To the left of me, two sets of wooden stockings. One was much smaller than the other. But what caught my interest was the cupboard at the very back of the room. I couldn't help but slither over and look closely at it. I then used my tail to check the handles. The doors seemed unlocked.
I opened it up to find a mirror covered with a thick cloth. I could hear whispering coming from under the cloth. I couldn't understand what it was saying but it sounded like it was saying something along the lines of "Double the trouble". What did that mean? I paid no attention and lifted the cloth off to see my own reflection. There, I could see what my face looked like for the very first time. My eyes were yellow with red irises and black pupils. My fangs were a decent size. a couple of inches long. At least that seemed decent for a snake I think. And... the mirror is glowing. Why is it glowing? I heard laughter that sounded much like myself but in an evil way. I backed away but before I could. A bright light blinded me.

GOOD MIKE POV
I woke up at last. My head was spinning. What happened? I looked to see the cupboard was still open. I panicked, thinking that someone could find out that I was down where I shouldn't be. I quickly closed the doors to the cupboard and left at once. Perhaps I should go and make soup for everyone when they return from their trip to the jade palace. It is quite a cold day after all. I hurried to the kitchen in hopes that there was enough ingredients to make soup for everyone.

BAD MIKE POV (Bad mike comes out of the mirror a few minutes after good Mike has left)
As I left the Jade palace artifact room, I felt furious. More so than when I entered the room. I mean, how could I not? Tigress thinks she's such a big shot! Picking on me just because I'm the new guy! I swear I should just strangle her if she bothers me again. hmmm, that's a charming thought.
As I slithered down the stairs, I saw the oh so great kung fu losers walk up the stairs. I noted that Tigress was looking at me. I gave her a nasty scowl in return and made my way to the barracks. I didn't care whether she had something to say to me or not. I was just not in the mood for any of her bull shit! I entered the barracks and made my way to my bed. I slammed the door and tried to get to sleep. Only to become bored almost instantly, that and something was gnawing at the back of my head.

GOOD MIKE POV
Luckily, there was more than enough supplies in the closet for a huge bowl of soup. Perfect! I decided to get started at once. I got the bowl from under the shelves and begun. As soon as I begun, I heard someone come in. It was obviously a snake so it must have been Viper. I didn't expect her to be back so early. I wanted to say hello but thought better. She might have been busy. I found myself wrong as I heard one of the doors slam shut with a great amount of force. Dear me, she must still be angry after our little talk from earlier.
I suppose I should have been more considerate. I should see how she is later. Again, I heard the same door down the hallway open. Wow, she was certainly moving around fast today. Again, I heard the door to the barracks shut again, just as loud as last time. Poor Viper. I can only imagine how hard it is to be a kung fu master. Anyway, I better get started. That soup isn't going to make itself.

BAD MIKE POV
For Gods sake, I can't just sit here! I need to do something! Maybe I can watch Po get yelled at by Shifu. That'll be fun.
I got up and left. I heard clattering pots in the kitchen. I didn't bother checking out. The door was closed and I could see Vipers silhouette. Looks like she's cooking. Good thing too cause I'm getting rather hungry. I best come back after seeing Po cry like a little baby in front of Shifu.
I left the barracks at once. Slamming the door again. I swear if I keep doing that it's going to break. Oh well, not my problem. Anyway, as I made my way back to the training hall, I ran into that stupid tiger! She wasn't happy, but when was she ever? You think smiling would kill her or something! Actually, that would be interesting to see. My "pleasant" thoughts were interrupted.
"Want to explain why you just scowled at me earlier"? She asked, leaning in to my face. God, would it kill her to brush her teeth? Or maybe that was just her body odor.
"Don't pretend to be the victim here"! I began. "You're the one who thinks she's oh so special. Why don't you do me a favor and get your face out of my way"?!
For this I received a snarl. Yup, it's certainly her breath that stinks.
"Oh growl yourself! Now if you'll excuse me, I got to go throw up. Your face is that much scarier and uglier up close"!
I slithered round her and let her fume. Glad to get that out of my system. I almost feel sorry for the idiot who has to face her wrath. Almost. HAHAHA!

GOOD MIKE POV
I heard laughter from outside. Sounds like somebody is having a good time. I let them be and mixed all the ingredients together.
A moment later, I heard the door slam open. Both the entrance to the barracks, then the kitchen. I turned round to see Tigress. She seemed shocked when she noticed me and then became quite mad. I guess the poor dear was still angry about our little fight from earlier. I suppose I should apologize.
"Hello Tigress. How are you feeling"?
The response I got was not exactly friendly.
"I don't know who you think you are, but you have no right to talk to me like that"!
"Oh, sorry. Was my tone too harsh"?
As fast as lightning, she grabbed me by the throat and curled her other paw into a fist. I guess I deserved what was coming next. I hadn't realised I had upset her so much. However, she waited a few seconds and dropped me to the ground.
"That was a warning! If you're smart, you won't come anywhere near me for the rest of the day".
She then left me and went into her own room. Goodness, she certainly was moody. And no wonder, I would be just as cranky if I ate just a few cubes at breakfast. I'd best make sure I give her a large bowl of soup.
I continued to mix the ingredients.

BAD MIKE POV
HAHAHA! Oh that was rich, to see that wretch foaming at the mouth! I should try insulting her more often!
I made my way to the training hall, up the stairs and into the training room. My god you think it would kill these idiots to have an elevator installed! I'm nearly out of breath climbing those damn steps so many times!
I looked round, no sign of the flabby panda or the pint sized raccoon. I must have missed them. Oh well, I'll just have to make Po cry again later. I decided to leave but found big beak and flower head, aka Crane and Viper making their way into the training hall. Can't these disease ridden pests leave me alone for one day?
"Hey Mike. Is everything okay, you seem a little"... Crane began.
"Out of line is what he is right now Crane. Tigress told me about him scowling earlier at her. Unnecessary".
"Yes Viper, I was there when it happened". Crane argued.
Good God these guys love to whine to each other don't they?
"Oh boo hoo hoo I pulled a face at the big bad tiger. I don't know why you bother sticking your necks out for that flea bag! I would just throw her down the palace stairs first chance I got"!
That seemed to piss them off because, Viper quickly slithered right up to me and poked my chest while speaking.
"Hey, you don't know Tigress like we do! She's done more for us than you think"!
"Oh yes of course, I can imagine. Watching her attack every new face that walks by her. That does sooo much for you I'm sure"!
Now Crane decided to stick his big beak into the conversation.
"Hey, lay off Mike. She's just trying to solve the conflict"!
"HA! Is that what you call this"? I knocked Vipers tail to the side after poking me for the hundredth time. "I'm simply standing up for myself and you both decide to attack me! I'm out of here"!
I slithered back up the stairs. Now it was my turn to be pissed off. Those fools just decide to stick together and push anyone different from them aside! Well, it seems that I'll need to make some changes around here.

GOOD MIKE POV
Darn it all! I forgot to get the sauce for the soup. I checked every single shelf and cupboard I could see. There was nothing in sight. Perhaps I should ask Po where it is. He said that he does the cooking around here usually.
I slithered out of the doorway and down the stairs. I thought I heard something from behind can looked round to see nothing. Must have been my imagination. I was so distracted, I accidentally slithered into someone. Hard. I moved back. The hit had forced me to close my eyes for a few seconds, during that time, I tried to apologies to the person I had hit.
"Oh goodness, I'm so sorry. I should have been looking where I was going".
"And you should be too you clumsy oaf"!
I opened my eyes and... standing in front of me was myself? He opened his eyes and stopped rubbing his head the moment he saw me. We both spoke in unison.
"What the...".
"...Heck"?
"...Hell"?

BAD MIKE POV
PAH! Insolent whelps! All of them! I was too wound up in my own fury to even care about my surroundings. I paid for it as some stupid bastard walked into me, hitting me on the head. Bloody hell it hurt too! I shut my eyes from the pain and rubbed the spot of my head which had been hit. The next thing I knew, the guy who should have watched his step apologized.
"Oh goodness, I'm so sorry. I should have been looking where I was going".
Whoever this guy was sounded like a real mommas boy. I then spoke back.
"And you should be too you clumsy oaf"!
I opened my eyes, ready to lash out but instead, I saw another me!
"What the hell"? I asked myself out loud.
I looked closer, remembering my own features in the mirror from earlier. This impostor had every single detail. Even the fangs were the same size!
"Who do you think you are, running around as me"? I yelled.
"But... I am me. And you're me too"... He whimpered.
"That's not possible"! I snapped. "Unless... this has something to do with that mirror".
At this, the wimpier and extremely stupid version of me somehow managed to work things out.
"The mirror! It began to glow and then there was fire... I think it was enchanted. It split me in half"!
"Uhh, no. It split us into two".
"Oh. well uh, not to be rude but didn't I just say that"?
"No you said in half. That means that I would be ripped into two pieces you imbecile".
"My mistake".
The stupid me then put himself into a thinking position. After a while, he spoke.
"...You wouldn't happen to know where I could find some sauce would you?
"Never mind that! I think I have a use for you". I smiled as I hatched a plan to get rid of the tiger and my goody goody self.
"Sure, what are friends for".
"Shut up. We are not friends".

TIGRESS POV
I sat up from the bed, thinking to myself on how I had acted. It was unprofessional. I could only imagine what Master Shifu would have to say if he learned of what took place between myself and Mike.
"I suppose I could"...
... Perhaps an apology would help to settle the matter. Even if he continues to act against me and the rest of the Furious Five, at least I will have attempted to make peace. I shook my head and left my quarters, left the barracks and decided to check the Jade palace hall. As I headed towards the Jade palace hall, I realized that I wasn't walking as quickly as I normally would. I supposed the reason for that was because of what had happened the last time we crossed paths.
Even with my decreased speed, I reached the Jade palace hallway in no time. I made my way up the stairs and was about to put my hand on the door until it was pulled back by the snake I was looking for. He seemed surprised to see me.
"Ah, Tigress, just the tiger I was looking for".
He seemed a little too happy to see me, especially after abusing me verbally not very long ago. I would be sure to keep a close eye on him, even if he does accept my apology.
"You were looking for me"? I asked out of curiosity.
"Yes, because I seemed to have captured a thief, trying to sneak into the palace. I was on my way to find someone to help take him to the nearest prison".
He managed to catch a thief? I don't know how he managed that, he's only had minimal training. Maybe he caught Taotie? No, he couldn't. Taotie may not be a challenge but his machines are quite dangerous. It's probably one of Fung's gang. That would make more sense.
I walked past the Jade palace doors. In the center of the room was the thief covered with a blue cloth.
"Care to explain why he's covered with a blue cloth"? I asked.
"Oh yes, well... he's light sensitive".
That was a lie, I could easily tell. However I played his game and went to check on our "thief". I walked over to him, pulled the cloth off. I was surprised to see another python just like Mike who had been tied to a chair. I turned round to ask what was going on, only to have a crossbow shoved in my face.
"HAHAHA, you fool! And you were so close to putting two and two together. Too bad you're not as smart as I thought at all"!

BAD MIKE POV (Five minutes earlier)
Once I had tied the good me to the chair, I began to cover him with the blue cloth I had with me.
"So, um. What was this plan of yours again? I forgot, sorry". I sighed. I may have been split in two but I still had all the brains.
"Very well I'll explain. Again. I cover you with this cloth and make it seem as though you are a thief. I then fetch Tigress, bring her here and tell her how I caught this thief. Once she discovers I have deceived her, I will simply kill her with this crossbow".
I then patted the crossbow lying on the ground beside me.
"Once I have dealt with her, I shall then kill you. The rest of the Furious five will be easy".
"Can I ask a question"?
"If you must".
"How are you going to kill Tigress, I mean, she's much better than you at everything. Or... rather much better than us. Sorry".
"I think you will find that this is no ordinary crossbow. This will be my advantage against each and every warrior. I'll be victorious before this day is even over"! I smiled wickedly.
"But that wouldn't be a fair fight". Good me tried to reason.
"Shut up. I never said anything about a fair fight to begin with. Now keep quiet while I find that overgrown furball so I can lure her to her death".
"Okay. If you want". I have to admit, I'm amazed that good me is so thick.
"Good boy. Now, time to put my plan into effect". I hid the crossbow behind one of the pillars and made my way to find Tigress. I opened one of the rather large but surprisingly light doors and just my luck, Tigress was right there standing on the other side. Almost as though she wants me to kill her. I begun my cover story.
"Ah, just the tiger I was looking for".

GOOD MIKE POV (Present time)
The cloth had been removed from my head. I saw that evil me had grabbed the crossbow and was now pointed it at Tigress.
"HAHAHA, you fool! And you were so close to putting two and two together. Too bad you're not as smart as I thought at all"! Evil me taunted.
Tigress took her battle stance and was ready to strike. Evil me laughed at this.
"What's going on? Why are there two of you"? Tigress demanded. I couldn't really blame her for being so defensive. I could only imagine what I would do if there were two of someone else.
"HA! You think I'm really going to tell you"? Evil me responded. I couldn't help but feel that Tigress at least deserved an explanation.
"Actually I went down to an artifact room, opened up a cupboard and looked in a mirror. I think that is why there are two of me". Evil me wasn't happy at this.
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF- I knew I should have gagged you, you big mouth"!
"Sorry, I'll keep quiet now". I accidentally ruined evil me's plan with my big mouth. How could I be so insensitive?
"The mirror of Ying and Yang! That explains your sudden changes in mood"!
"Aaaand the last horse crosses the finishing line. Well done". Evil me wrapped the tip of his tail around the trigger.
"Don't even think about it Mike".
"I wasn't thinking of anything Tigress. Well, maybe how shiny your coat is, but that was all". I spoke up.
"Not you! The other you". She pointed out.
"Oh okay. My mistake. Thank you for clearing thing up for me". I spoke, even though Tigress had her back to me the entire time. She sighed. Oh dear, I must be putting her off. I'd better keep quiet again.
"You might as well give up Mike. Even with a crossbow you can't defeat me". Tigress reasoned.
"Oh that's where you are wrong my dear. For this is no ordinary crossbow. This is the crossbow of all knowing"!
I remember evil me finding and reading the scroll about it when he was tying me up. It was a crossbow that was enchanted to alway hit it's target by shooting its own arrow around rocks and trees, it wouldn't stop until it hits its target. I felt that I should let Tigress know about it.
"Just so you know Tigress, the crossbow of all knowing has the abil-".
"I know what it does"!
"Sorry".
Evil me then spoke up
"Now then time to be rid of you once and for all. Straight into the eye socket and through the brain! Then I'll kill good me and then move onto the rest of the Furious five. Easy, no"?
"I wouldn't do that if I were you". Tigress said in a warning tone.
"Actually, I'm pretty sure I do". He smiled and aimed the crossbow at Tigress, aiming for her head.
"I mean you don't want to kill good you".
"And why not? Have you heard how much he complains"? A little hurtful but he did have a point.
"If you kill him, you'll kill yourself as well. Both of you are bonded with each other to feel even pain or death".
"Preposterous. You're just making that up".
"Am I"?
Tigress slowly stepped to the side, out of evils me's line of fire allowing him to try and shoot me. I waited for a while. He did nothing. He was aiming at me but couldn't bring himself to do so. He then stopped aiming at me.
"Perhaps you are telling the truth kitty. But as fitting as this phrase goes, there's more than one way to skin a cat. I-. Wait, where did she go"?
I looked to the left where Tigress stepped aside. She was nowhere to be seen. When I looked back at evil me, I saw Tigress emerge from the pillar behind evil me. She then signaled me to keep quiet. I nodded. However, evil me saw this.
"What are you nodding at"?
"...Nothing".
"You're hiding something from me. SPEAK, or I will shoot you where you sit".
He then pointed the crossbow at me. Tigress then struck. Evil me turned round but was too late. Tigress had grabbed him by his chest a tail, forcing him to drop the crossbow. I felt like I could now explain the situation to him.
"Just so you know, I was keeping quiet because Tigress was trying to catch you"!
"Oh be quiet will you? Stop adding insult to injury"!
"But I never touched you let alone caused you an injury. Did I? I'm sorry if I did"! I asked concerned.
"Or for Gods sake you really are an a-". Tigress knocked him out before he could finish his sentence. I was about to ask if he was okay until I felt something hit me too causing me to also lose consciousness.
HALF AN HOUR LATER...
I woke up and found that I was no longer tied to the chair. Instead, I was sitting in the wooden artifact room with the Ying Yang mirror. Beside me was evil me. Still knocked out. Suddenly I heard a voice from behind.
"You're awake. Good".
I turned round to see Tigress leaning against the wall behind me next to the doorway.
"Hi Tigress. How are you"?
Tigress walked up to me and evil me.
"I'm fine. We just need to wait until evil you wakes up".
"Why do we need him awake? So I can apologize for ruining his plan"? I asked. I felt terrible on the inside after bad me had worked so hard to destroy the furious five.
"Not quite. Let's just say that when he looks back into the mirror, you'll be back to normal. Well, normal enough". Said Tigress. I gave a small laugh at her joke. That was a joke wasn't it? I didn't find out once evil me moaned and woke up. As soon as he realized where he was, he tried to fight against the rope that kept him to the chair.
"What? How am I... Oh right. I got jumped by the flea bag. Damn". He spoke.

"Hi me. I hope you're feeling better". I begun. "Hopefully after we make up I'm sure we can be friends. I'd be happy to even let you taste some of my so- OHNO! I FORGOT TO FINISH THE SOUP"! I panicked. How could I forget about that?
"Uhhh... soup"? Tigress asked confused.
"Oh. Yeah well... I was trying to make some soup before all this happened to help make up for the misunderstanding after training".
Everybody looked at me funny. Even evil me. I then had a thought.
"None of you happen to know where I can find some sauce do you"?
"Never mind about your dumb soup! Come here and release me, and I promise I won't kill you. Maybe I'll can just bruise you".
"Sounds fair". I decided and went over to help him out. Tigress was quick to stop me before I had the chance to remove the ropes.
"I don't think that's a good idea".
"Sorry".
"Anyway now that he's awake, we better deal with him".
"Oh so you're going to kill me hmm? Perhaps you're not as spineless as I thought. Just ugly and brain dead".
"You do remember what I said back in the Jade palace hallway right"? Asked Tigress, raising an eyebrow.
Evil me just shrugged causing Tigress to sigh.
"Let's just get this over with".
She then opened the doors to the cupboard and let evil me look into it. He then spoke.
"Yes, I am quite handsome, no need to remind me you- wait, what's happening".
The mirror began to glow once more. Evil me became quite worried at this.
"Oh no. Nonononono, you can't do this! I'll make you pay for this you hear? I'll -".
He was cut off as a flash blinded me. I felt everything go dark again.

Mike POV
Sweet mother of God, my brain feels like it's on fire. What ha- oh wait. I remember now. Damn. I looked at Tigress to see her close the cupboard doors. Once she did, she turned to me and spoke.
"Perhaps it would be better to put a lock on the door. I think it would be best to avoid something like this again".
I nodded but didn't speak. I then turned round and left. I slithered out. Out the artifact room, the Jade palace hall and down the steps. I then came to the split section and stopped. I looked down to see the steps that led into the village. I began to travel down them until...
"Where are you going"?
It was impressive how quiet Tigress can be when she tries.
"It... doesn't matter".
I continued down the stairs. I was stopped by a paw that held my chest. I looked up to the left of me to face Tigress. Her face didn't look as tough as it normally did.
"Mike. The truth". I sighed knowing I wouldn't get past her without an answer.
"I'm leaving". Tigress raised an eyebrow upon hearing my response. I continued. "I've not even been here for a full day and look at all the damage I caused. I'm not worthy to stay".
I turned round tried to leave again. I was certain Tigress would let me past now. She knew how much trouble I caused. I even nearly killed her. However, her paw remained in my way, keeping me from moving down a single stair.
"This isn't the first time something like this has happened. It happened with Po as well".
"Maybe so but I'm sure he didn't do it on his first day, like I have".
"Do you know why I ran into your evil side when I was in the Jade palace"?
She was going to tell me anyway so I let her speak.
"I... was trying to find you".
"To beat me up for treating you so horribly"?
"To make amends".
I looked back at her again. Only this time, I was surprised to hear what she said.
"I gave some thought about my actions back at the training grounds. I... should have been more respectful. You still have the choice to train here if you chose to. If you don't... I understand".
I looked back at the stairs, then back to her. I then put my tail up to her paw to remove it. I looked at her face seeing a noticeable pained expression. I smiled and tightened my grip. She seemed surprised, as though she thought I was actually planning on leaving after hearing her apologize.
"Tigress, I accept your apology".
The next thing I saw from Tigress surprised me greatly. She smiled. Only barely but even that was quite rare I was sure. She then nodded and we both headed up the stairs. I then turned to the barracks. Letting her get back to whatever it was she was going to do upon returning from the valley. As for myself. I had to go and say sorry to a bird and a snake. And deal with the rest of the soup.

...

Authors notes: I got a day off from college today so I split the original chapter into two and posted the first part online. This one was based off of the Ying Yang mirror from one of the Kung fu Panda episodes. Upon reading this to double check it, I noticed that the good and bad versions of Mike are a bit like Doc and Ohmalley from red vs blue ^^ But with that said, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I'll post the next one on either Friday or Saturday. Cheerio.