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Chapter 10

Penelope lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling. She had managed to avoid the last few social events, which also meant she could avoid Colin and the adoration placed on Cressida for pretending to be Lady Whistledown. She had played ill a few times, although at times she was sure she was no longer playing.

She had disturbed sleep; every time she closed her eyes, she could only see Colin and her breasts would ache, seeking his touch, his lips again. Her appetite was non-existent; which would normally please her mother but her mother had started slipping her food, encouraging her to eat; telling her she was pinning for Mr Dankworth and making herself ill would not make his return any quicker.

Now she was not sure if she was worthy of Mr Dankworth's return, and his proposal if it was to come. He was such a kind, simple, honest gentleman; there were no games with him. He expressed his feelings openly and he made her feel safe and adored; and she had paid him back for his adoration by kissing and fondling his so-called friend in a carriage.

Yes, she had kissed Colin previously in his own home but she had convinced herself that that kiss was for learning purposes. However, in the carriage; she was not sure what had happened; Colin telling her that she was beautiful had took her by surprise and that look he had in his eyes, the lust he had for her…she gave in and took advantage because it was pretty clear he did not have any romantic feelings for her.

Yes, Colin being Colin…a proper gentleman in training, had felt obligated to offer her his hand in marriage but she knew deep down it would be wrong. He was a man; caught up in a lustful moment; she could have been a whore in a brothel; he was not seeing Penelope in that moment…not really. But she knew it was Colin and she took advantage of his lust because she wanted to be desired by him just once; even if it would be the ruin of her.

No; she could not take Colin up in his offer. Yes, he may have lusted after her in that moment but in the long term, he would grow to resent her as he did not love her and he would need to take on a mistress to meet his needs. Penelope had grown up watching a loveless marriage…she did not want that for herself. With Mr Dankworth, although she did not love him yet, she knew she could and that was what should have her focus; not her lust for Colin Bridgerton.

There was a gentle tapping at the door. "Come in." She called, expecting her mother with another try of food that she would try to nibble on to please her so she sat up in the bed. However, it was not her mother, it was her lady's maid carrying a note.

"Sorry to disturb you milady but a servant from Danbury House called by with this." The lady's maid said, entering the room and handing her the note.

"Thank you." Penelope replied and took the note. She smiled as she read the note. Lady Danbury was enquiring about her health and inviting her to come to Danbury House for afternoon tea. Apparently, Lady Danbury was missing her company at the social events.

Then Penelope's mind drifted to Mr Anderson and her promise to help him. She had been so caught up in her own feelings, she had forgot that Lady Danbury was one of her main suspects as the generous lady that gave him a future. Maybe afternoon tea with Lady Danbury was just the distraction she needed.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Penelope sat at a small table in the gardens of Danbury House, taking a few polite nibbles of the spread before her and sipping on her tea as Lady Danbury continued to talk. Lady Danbury was ranting, frustrated at the attention Cressida Cowper was getting from the ton.

"I cannot believe the whole town is willing to believe that girl could be Lady Whistledown…I refuse to believe her!" Lady Danbury barked.

"Is that because you are Lady Whistledown?" Penelope teased.

"I think we both know I am not the one who is Lady Whistledown." Lady Danbury replied, raising her eyebrow.

Penelope laughed nervously; surely, Lady Danbury did not know her secret. Lady Danbury could sense her unease so continued talking. "Has Mr Dankworth been in touch? Any word of his return?"

"If he is true to his word, he will be back in town next week." Penelope replied, between her sips of tea.

"Then he will be back next week." Lady Danbury stated confidently. "Mr Dankworth may be dim but I can tell he is a man of his word. He will be back and he will propose. He is just putting his affairs in order first."

"I am not sure; maybe I am not meant to be a lady to a Lord." Penelope muttered.

"Miss Penelope, please do not dwell on our previous conversation." Lady Danbury said, patting Penelope's hand. "I had a happy, loving marriage most of the time…despite the lack of an heir or children."

Penelope looked at Lady Danbury and swallowed hard, wondering if she so even risk asking the question in her head. Despite their age difference, Lady Danbury had become a friend and right now, she could not afford to lose her.

Then she thought of Mr Anderson and his desperation to pay his respects. If it were true, the outcome could be positive and she really needed some positivity right now so she took a deep breath, sat down her tea cup and began to speak.

"Lady Danbury, I do not mean to be inappropriate…"

"Child, I am inappropriate all the time…please speak." Lady Danbury interjected.

Penelope took another breath; she was so nervous. "Lady Danbury, when you shared your misfortunes of child bearing, you alluded to Lord Danbury having an heir if society had been different." Penelope started to say. She almost did not continue as she noticed the colour beginning to drain from Lady Danbury's face but she persevered. "Did Lord Danbury have a bastard?"

There was silence. Lady Danbury was staring down at her tea cup. Finally, after a few moments, she looked up at Penelope. "You are as smart as I thought." Lady Danbury muttered. "I guess I should be relieved Lady Whistledown is no longer publishing."

"I do not think Lady Whistledown would think this was something the rest of ton should know." Penelope replied.

Lady Danbury smiled. "You really are special Miss Penelope." Lady Danbury said. "But how you uncovered this secret when the residents of the ton did not even know at the time it was occurring, before you were born, is a mystery."

"Lady Danbury, it was not a secret I went looking for…it was shared…by Lord Danbury's child." Penelope replied. Lady Danbury's eyes widened. "Please, do not worry…he is not trying to become a legitimate heir. He is a self-made man with no desires for a title or the responsibilities that come with it."

"So what does this mystery man want?" Lady Danbury asked.

"His mother passed away recently and she shared with him on his death bed the story of his parentage." Penelope replied. "She told him that even though he was born a bastard, the Lady of the Lord that breed him, made sure the child would have enough money for his shelter, food and education. That child has grown now into a respectable man and he wants to pay his respects for your generosity."

"Oh." Lady Danbury sighed.

"You did such a wonderful thing for this child, despite the actions of Lord Danbury and his mother." Penelope said, giving Lady Danbury's hand a squeeze. "He really wants to meet with you, if you agree."

Lady Danbury sniffed and said "Of course."

"Good, I can arrange a meeting…" Penelope began to say.

"Miss Penelope, is the mystery man Mr Anderson?" Lady Danbury asked.

"How did you…" Penelope trailed off.

"His eyes…they are the same as Lord Danbury." Lady Danbury replied.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Colin walked along the streets, heading towards Hastings House, on the other side of the square from Bridgerton House and Featherington House. The last week had been quite difficult for Colin, ever since Penelope had stepped out of his carriage.

He could not stop thinking about her; he was still struggling to process the discovery that she was Lady Whistledown and then of course, there was their passionate encounter in the carriage and the refusal of his proposal.

Yes, the proposal had not come out as he planned but surely Penelope must have expected it? Did she not feel what he felt when they embraced? No other woman affected him the way Penelope did and he could not understand why it was happening now.

Penelope had always been there and he always enjoyed her company. If he was honest, she was normally the first person he would look for in a room. And yes, when she came out in society, he may have spent a little more time looking at her bosom when they were conversing than normal but it was only natural with their height difference and well, he was a man.

But she had never invaded his thoughts and dreams the way she was invading them now. He could not escape her; even though she was absent from all social events this week and had not stopped by his home; he ached for her; he missed her. He desperately needed to talk to her; if only to figure out what he was feeling.

He knew his feelings were certainly not brotherly, or his actions in the carriage would be criminal and although he considered Penelope one of his closest friends, it was clear his thoughts were no longer platonic.

But other than that, he was not sure. Was he feeling jealous? He hoped not; he did not want to be the gentleman that did not want Penelope but did not want anyone else to have her either. Was he in love with her? If he was, why would the words not come out?

Finally, he found himself standing in front of the grand Hasting House. He still struggled with the idea that his younger sister Daphne was a Duchess, and lady of such a grand home with a beautiful son and another child on the way. Yet he was a year older than her and he was completely lost in romance.

He did not even have to knock; the door swung open before he got the chance. "Colin!" Daphne squealed, pushing past her footman to embrace her brother with one arm, while holding little August with the other.

"Daff, how did you know to expect me?" Colin asked. "I did not even write to say I would be visiting." August was becoming very animated; eager to get over to his uncle. Colin quickly scooped August into his arms. "Hello Auggie." He began blowing raspberries on August's chubby baby cheeks and the child laughed heartedly. He adored his nephew and it was clear his nephew felt the same.

"I could see you from the window." Daphne replied, leading him into the drawing room. "Looking out the window is now my only view of the outside world."

"Confinement already getting to you?" Colin asked, eyeing the small, neat bump under her dress.

"I am perfectly healthy, apart from a little sickness in the morning." Daphne replied, sitting down. She lifted a ginger biscuit from a tray on the coffee table and began to nibble on it. "I do not see why I should be locked away."

"Daff, you are not a prisoner." Colin replied, not even looking at his sister as he played peek a boo with his nephew.

"Easy for you to say…you are a man." She muttered, her eyes watching Colin interact with her son. "So did you come to see me for my son or are you here to see me and save me from my boredom or are you seeking some sisterly advice?"

"Can it not be all 3?" Colin asked, just as the nursery nurse entered to take August for his nap. August whined a little as he was taken from Colin's hold. Colin watched him leave, wondering if he should take him back.

"Auggie will be fine." Daphne said, glaring at Colin as if she could read his thoughts. "He needs to stick to his routine. He only does that for Simon and you…you are both soft touches."

"I am not…" Colin began to argue.

"Colin, there is a reason you are Gregory and Hyacinth's favourite sibling; you are a soft touch. You gave into them when they were babies, practically living in the nursery with them, and you still do give into them." Daphne said. "I have no problem with you being the favourite uncle, just do not mess with my child's sleep routine."

"Are my soft touches the reason I am your favourite too?" Colin asked, reaching for a biscuit but Daphne slapped his hand when he tried to take a ginger biscuit. He settled for a shortbread.

"No, I had very little option." Daphne replied. "I did want Benedict but Eloise made her claim and you know there is no way to get between them two."

"If you were not pregnant, I would slap you." Colin shot back playfully; he knew Daphne was teasing him.

"No, you would not because I hit back harder." Daphne retorted, a glint in her eye.

Colin laughed. Maybe he was a soft touch because even though she was younger, Daphne always won each fight they shared as children.

"Col, what is wrong?" Daphne asked, putting down her ginger biscuit and leaning forward. "I can tell you are preoccupied. I saw your face as you were walking here; you are not my carefree, charming, lovable brother."

"Gee, thanks Daff." Colin muttered, sarcastically.

"Colin, talk to me." Daphne pleaded, her hand reaching out to tap his knee.

Colin sighed and after a few moments, leaned forward. "Daphne, how did you know you were in love?" He finally asked.

"I…" She paused. "Wow…I am sorry Colin, but I was not expecting that question."

"Just forget I said anything." Colin quickly stated, regretting even saying anything.

"No…it is a valid question." Daphne said. "I was just not aware that were courting someone…oh Colin, please do not tell me you have taken a mistress? Is that why you moved out?"

"No, of course I did not take a mistress!" Colin exclaimed.

"Okay, so is it Penelope?" Daphne asked. Colin did not answer, he just sighed. "Oh Colin, you have finally realised…"

"Realised what Daphne?" Colin asked, standing up. He began to pace around the room. "Because at the minute, all I know is Penelope Featherington is consuming my every thought…both awake and sleeping and I do not know why!"

"Are you sure you do not know why?" Daphne asked, her eyes following Colin around the room.

Colin stopped pacing and looked at his sister. "I would not have asked the question if I knew the answer." Colin replied. "I mean this is Pen, the only person that could put Eloise in her place; that had the perfect roll for marbles; that learnt a new dance without trotting on my toes even once; that can state a barb so witty that you wished you said it yourself; that looks like a rabbit when laughing but then be so agh!" He shook his hands furiously.

Daphne got up from her seat and walked towards her brother and took his hands in hers, holding them by their side. "In answer to your first question…I do not know how I knew I was in love…I just knew." She softly said. "I wish there was some profound moment but there was not…I just knew I would not be me without Simon by my side and I did not want to live without him."

"That's it?" Colin asked. "There was no lightning bolt moment?"

Daphne shook her head. "I am sorry Col, I wish I could give you a more defined response." Daphne said. "I mean, you thought you were in love before with Marina. Is there any learning you can take from that?"

"Only that I was not in love or I would have still married her, despite her situation." Colin replied honestly.

"I know the situation with Penelope is difficult." Daphne said, giving his hands a little squeeze. "She has always just been there, your constant. The question you have to ask is, are you having these feelings because once she marries, you will lose that friendship or are you having these feelings because it has always been her, and you just did not know it?"

"It is not exactly an easy question to answer." Colin sighed.

"But you need to answer it soon." Daphne said. "Harry Dankworth will propose to Penelope when he returns; his uncle has already written to Simon to ensure Penelope is of genuine character…" Colin was about to interject his protest of such a question but Daphne silenced him. "…Lord Huntley is just doing his due-diligence before he gives his blessing…it is just procedure. He has probably written to Anthony as well because our families are so familiar with Penelope."

"And what if I do not figure this out in time?" Colin asked.

"You need to consider is it worth destroying possible happiness for Penelope if you are still unsure of your feelings." Daphne replied. "If it is only friendship, you will just want her to be happy no matter who she marries but if it is love…you will break your own heart if it means she will be happy."

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Penelope sat at her desk, quill in hand, debating whether or not she should rewrite and publish the last Lady Whistledown column that Colin destroyed at the church. She really did want to put things right; she was still angered that Cressida Cowper was receiving her praise and adoration but she could not shift Colin's words…that if she was ever revealed as Lady Whistledown, she could be ruined.

There was a gentle tapping at her door. She jumped up from her desk and moved to her window sill, with a book in hand. "Come in." She called.

The door opened, revealing Eloise. "Urgh! I was hoping you would be writing." Eloise groaned as she entered the room, closing the door behind her before joining her friend at the window sill. "I thought Lady Whistledown would rise and put Cressida Cowper in her place."

"I am still considering if that is wise." Penelope replied.

"Penelope, I know you are feigning sickness to avoid Cressida, getting the admiration you should be receiving." Eloise said. "And I do not blame you; it is horrible to see but you are well, I can tell…although you are looking a little thin."

"I do not have much appetite…mama thinks I am pining for Mr Dankworth and has been trying to make me eat more often." Penelope replied.

Eloise's eyes widened at the thought that Lady Featherington was so worried about Penelope, she was actually trying to fatten her up. "Penelope, I do think you need to stick to your plan and out Cressida Cowper for the lying schemer she is." Eloise said. "If this is the effect it is having on you…"

"Eloise, it is not that simple." Penelope replied. "Yes, I could out Cressida and try to keep my anonymity but as long as Lady Whistledown remains a secret, there will always be someone claiming to be her."

"So do not stay anonymous…unveil yourself." Eloise suggested.

"And what if it is my ruin?" Penelope asked.

"It did not ruin Cressida." Eloise pointed out.

"But the behaviour of Lady Whistledown can be expected from someone like Cressida, not me." Penelope retorted. "Plus, if Harry…Mr Dankworth does return with a proposal, I do not want to jeopardise my future…he may not like me being Lady Whistledown."

"So if he does not like Whistledown, then it means he does not like you either and he does not deserve your love." Eloise replied. "You and I can be spinsters together and you can write whatever you want."

"But being married…being loved and having a family, as well as writing is all part of what I want." Penelope said. "Can I not have it all?"

"If we were not women in a man's world, then yes we could…and I do try to believe that we can someday…" Eloise started to say.

"So why can that someday not start now, with me…and you showing women that we can have it all?" Penelope asked.

"This…when people question how we can be friends…this is it!" Eloise said, embracing her friend in a hug. "I am so happy to have you back Penelope…go and get it all…and I will follow, just without the husband and babies."

"Oh Eloise, I am happy to have us back too." Penelope replied, hugging her best friend back.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The sun was only beginning to rise as Penelope pushed open the doors, leading out into her garden. She wrapped her dressing gown a little tighter and sniffed the air as she stepped out into the air, enjoying the familiar fragrance of dew-soaked flowers and grass.

"Pen?" She heard a familiar voice said. She spun around to find Colin, stepping out from behind a bush.

"Colin…what are you doing here?" She hissed.

"I wanted to talk to you and you have been avoiding public." He replied, then his eyes widened with concern as he looked her up and down. He automatically stepped towards her. "You have been ill; you have lost weight."

"My appetite has been lacking lately but it is coming back." Penelope replied, stepping back, out of his reach. She was not lying, after Eloise left yesterday, she ate some dinner and was sure she could eat some breakfast today too.

"Pen, I need to apologise for my behaviour in the carriage…" Colin began.

"Then I must apologise as well because I was a willing participant." Penelope interrupted. "It was a lustful moment that I am sure we both regret and there is no need to act out of obligation…"

"I cannot regret it Pen…I can only regret the circumstances." Colin stated.

"Well the circumstances are what they are Colin." Penelope retorted.

"And if the circumstances could be changed…" Colin suggested.

"Colin…" Penelope sighed.

Colin reached out and took hold of her hands, his thumb naturally grazing over her hands. "Pen, do you love Harry?" He asked.

"I am very fond…" Penelope began to say.

"But I am not hearing the word love." Colin interrupted.

"You are not the only person here not hearing the word love." Penelope shot back.

"Please Pen, just give me time…" Colin pleaded.

"Time?" Penelope hissed. "All I have ever given you is time."

Colin dropped hold of Penelope's hands and leaned into her, cupping her face in his hands as he gently pressed his forehead against hers. "Pen, I want you to be happy and if you think Harry Dankworth can give you everything you desire, I will accept your wishes." He softly whispered. "But if you have any doubts…please give me the time…that is all I ask."

He released the hold on her face and stepped back. He reached inside his coat and pulled out his journal and a piece of paper. He handed them to Penelope. "I want you to have my journal so you can finish reading it." He said.

"Thank you." Penelope replied. She waved the separate sheet. "And what is this? Please do not tell me you are going to claim to be Lady Whistledown as well."

Colin gave a small smile, accepting her tease. "It's um, an extract from my journal from my travels in Italy." Colin replied, looking a little sheepish. "I want to share it with you."

"Ok…thank you." Penelope said, a little confused.

Colin gave a small nod and then placed a soft, gentle but loving kiss on Penelope's forehead. "Please eat something Pen, your bum has practically disappeared…and you know I like a good slap."

She could not help but give a little giggle, a blush spreading across her cheeks. She playfully pushed Colin away, seeing the cheeky glint in his eyes. "I think you better go." She said.

"I am going…just please consider what I am asking." Colin pleaded, already backing out of the garden.

She gave a small nod, her mind whirling in only a way Colin Bridgerton could cause.

To be continued…if you want me to!

As usual, please feel free to comment, speculate and review