Chapter Thirty-Nine: Nothing Left of Me

Author's note: Just to clarify: Ryan called Haley, who went to Nathan's, and in turn told Lucas and Brooke about Keith and Karen. And last chapter cut off, but you didn't miss anything, don't worry. Sorry 'bout that.

Haley tapped her fingers across the steering wheel as she waited for the light to turn green, impatient with it yet wishing she never had to reach her destination.

They had been doing so well. After their night at the party, they'd decided not to focus on their imminent parting and instead focus on being together.

All this ceased to matter after the headline in the newspaper that morning-that Keith and Karen Scott had died in a car crash the day before.

The first emotion Haley had felt had been sorrow for herself, grief at the parting of a man and woman she'd known so briefly. The second, stronger emotion, was compassion for Nathan, who'd need her more than ever. Who's life would suddenly be drastically different from hers.

She walked unceremoniously into his room, not waiting for him to answer her knock. He met her in the small entrance. She dropped her bag to the floor and looked up at him mutely. He hadn't shaved, and the affect plus his slightly reddened eyes (from alcohol? From tears?) made him look infinitely older.

"Sweetie…" she whispered, her compassion overriding all else. She put her arms around him and held him close to her.

"Haley." His tone was distant.

"Are Leigh and Ryan okay?" she asked. She felt his nod. Guessing that he wasn't alert enough to do so, she led him into the bedroom and sat opposite him on the bed.

Under her watchful gaze, Nathan finally drifted off into sleep. In hours in which she didn't stir he slept deeply, comforted by her even if they weren't touching, weren't even both awake. Her presence was enough.

Haley smiled softly down at him when he slowly awakened. He smiled back, automatically comforted by her warm brown eyes, before remembering the night before. His smiled dropped.

"Hey. How're you feeling?" she asked gently, taking his hand and squeezing it. He didn't respond. There weren't words.

"That's okay. I'll talk. I'm so sorry, baby," she said. He sat up, put his feet solidly on the ground, and rubbed his eyes. This made him less pathetic, but no less lost.

"I can call Brooke and Lucas if you want. Get them to go to New York. And I can call the airlines. And I can go with you," she offered.

"Call Brooke and Lucas. But you should stay. I need to be able to focus on Ryan and Leigh," he said. Haley was so surprised by his speaking that she almost didn't hear the words, but she went off to find the phone, slightly hurt.

She forced herself to swallow her feelings when she arrived back, determined to help him.

"I just called them, they booked the next flight out," she said softly. He nodded, not looking at her.

"Luke wasn't around so I had to leave a message, but Brooke called back and we talked and she said she'd tell him. I think he'd take it better from her," said Haley optimistically.

"Great," mumbled Nathan, obviously not listening.

"I tried to get through to Ryan, but she's not answering the phone. Do you think they'll be okay by themselves?" asked Haley.

"Ryan's only a little younger than you, Haley."

This stung. Haley knew for a fact that Nathan saw Ryan unalterably as a child.

"She'll be fine. I'm more worried about you." Haley hesitantly walked over to him and sat by him on the bed.

He looked up at her as she joined him and put a careful hand on his knee. He was only wearing his boxers and a wife beater. She was more sufficiently clad.

"I need you to know I'm here for you, Nathan. I want to help you. I'll do whatever I can, whatever will make you feel better." Her eyes were wide and beseeching. He never could resist her eyes.

"Anything," she promised softly.

"I want you," said Nathan simply. Haley looked up at him.

"You've always had me."

Nathan leaned forward and kissed her softly. Letting the pain of the day wash away from her, she clasped a hand around his neck and leaned into the kiss. Slowly his hands progressed to her waist, and he swung her down onto the bed underneath him.

She willingly unbuttoned her shirt as his kissed slid down her neck. She remembered the first time his lips had touched her t here, but quickly forced the memory out.

As she arched her body toward him, he undid her bra and finally had access to what he'd so long been denied of. Her nipples hardened as his lips moved to her breast.

Nathan was slow, and he was gentle. He appreciated her innocence, he took it into account. But it didn't mean he wasn't intrusive. Wasn't taking advantage.

It didn't make it right.

After another moment, a moment in which his motive became very clear, she shoved him off of her and redid her bra.

"I'm sorry."

Nathan looked away from her.

"I'm sorry. I want to help you, but… If we had, I don't think I would have been able to look myself straight in the eye, ever again. It would have been wrong, Nathan," she said.

"Yeah. It's not big deal," he said lightly. She looked at him, her almost lover, so obviously full of pain.

"Do you want me to stay? Or we could go out for a walk or something," said Haley.

"No, you can go. It's getting late, and I know you have to meet Peyton."

"It doesn't matter," she said.

"Just go, Haley," said Nathan firmly.

Haley retreated from the apartment, hurt and ashamed. Part of her wished she'd gone through with it. Part of her even wanted it. All of her knew he needed it, and even that he wasn't above getting it elsewhere. She made a noise of frustration before taking off at a run down the hall, terrified he'd follow her, yet terrified he wouldn't.

Nathan dropped back down onto the bed after she'd left. Shame wasn't a feeling he needed, on top of the guilt, on top of his bottomless pain. He frowned as he pictured the face his mother would make, if she'd known what he was thinking of doing. He shut his eyes in desperate attempt to bore the image out.

He remembered the hope that had filled his heart after his mother had married his uncle and started an all new family, stronger and better than before. He'd always doubted it could last, that they could be this happy always, but he'd overcome his doubt. Now he knew that he had been right.

They couldn't always be happy.

Nathan didn't know how he could conceivably comfort his sisters, when he needed so much comfort himself. He didn't know how he could be a parent when he needed so desperately to be a child, just this once.

These thoughts tortured him, but eventually they lulled him back to sleep.

Haley drove through the silent streets of Tree Hill, unable to go home, or to Peyton's, or anywhere they'd comfort her when she didn't deserve comfort. Nathan deserved comfort.

Suddenly she found herself back at the hotel. She let her feet lead her through the lobby, up the elevator, and down the hall.

"Nathan?" she called out into the room, suddenly ready for him. She dropped her purse in the living room, and cautiously shed her shirt as well. "Nathan?"

She stopped in his doorway. He wasn't brooding on his bed, or staring miserably out the window like she'd expected him to be. He was fast asleep, looking innocent and endearing in his slumber. She smiled.

Haley noiselessly tucked herself into his arms, spooning against him. Tucking the sheet around herself, she felt his arms automatically tighten against her as she drifted off to sleep as well.

Nathan hadn't awoken when Haley had joined him in bed, but he wasn't surprised when he woke up next to her. Subconsciously, he'd known the entire time.

He loosened his grasp on her, wondering how she'd been able to sleep when he'd held on to her so tightly, ever as afraid as ever that he could lose her. The fact that she was his was always slightly unbelievable to him.

After another moment, he noted that she was wearing nothing but her jeans and a bra. She'd obviously come to finish what they'd started. Nathan was glad he'd been asleep.

Not because he didn't want her. Because he did, feverishly, daily. But because he wouldn't be able to look at himself, either. He couldn't let himself use her like he'd used Davis, and so many girls before her. Haley had to be more than that. Haley was everything.

He wished again that she was older. So that they could be together in the way he sometimes wished they could be. So they could start being together forever. She wasn't ready for it. But he was ready for her.

Haley stirred slightly in her sleep, and Nathan realized that she had noticed the lack of his embrace. He wanted to hold her again. He wanted to put his arms around her and stay with her always. But he couldn't.

Sighing, Nathan brushed one kiss on to her forehead before grabbing the bag he'd hurriedly packed and exiting the hotel room.