Chapter Forty-One: Different but the Same

Haley James was torturing herself.

She was torturing herself like she'd let him torture her all summer. When he'd get close to her without letting their bodies touch, when he'd say sexually suggestive things and watch her curb her desire. When he'd actually touch her, forcefully, without causing pain, knowing she wouldn't respond, knowing that it would eventually force her to him.

She hated that she'd let him in, let her affect her so deeply. She rewound the tape again:

"Haley. It's me. Sorry I left without saying goodbye, but I just found out I can't come back. I have to stay here. So hopefully I'll see you around some time."

Bastard. Degrading her back down to the level of insatiable high school girl, a passing amusement, easily left behind. Obviously it was all she'd ever been to him, all she'd ever be to anyone.

Listlessly, Haley watched the broadcast of Karen and Keith's funeral. With a few tears, she remembered the woman she'd had so little opportunity to get close to. Haley watched as Ryan, her black clothing contrasting with her blonde hair and porcelain skin, delivered a speech to the gathered crowd. She watched as a loving, protective Nathan led his sister back to her seat. She watched Brooke and Lucas, their arms lovingly around each other. She watched Leigh, her hair bleached back to blonde to honour her mother's memory.

She cried. Haley cried like she hadn't cried in years.

Haley dried her tears, her grief replaced by anger, as she watched Nathan hold a press conference for the benefit of the wide speculation over who the company would pass to. Dressed in a Versace suit with his hair styled professionally, he looked years older than he had only the day before.

Peyton hadn't quite dared to come over in the middle of her best friend's mourning period, knowing Haley needed her space, but after the funeral was over, she knew it was her duty.

Haley didn't say anything as the blonde walked in and sat down on the sofa, behind where Haley was standing. Haley remained silent for another five minutes before reacting to her friend's presence.

"Can I come to NYU with you?" asked Haley. She dropped onto the sofa beside Peyton and put her head in her best friend's lap.

"Why?" asked Peyton suspiciously, combing her fingers gently through Haley's long blonde hair.

"The academia," she said feebly.

"Of course. Baby, you have to let go," she said encouragingly.

"But I don't want to! Not even a little bit! I want to hold on. Even though he left me and broke up over the phone. I don't want to let him go," she said.

"You have to. You have to go to Brown, preferably tomorrow, and leave all this crap behind. You owe it to yourself," said Peyton.

"You get to stay with Jake," mumbled Haley.

"Jake never broke up with me on my answering machine, or left me in the morning without saying a word. It's different. You have to believe you'll be fine without him," said Peyton persuasively.

"But I'm not. I got closer to him than I ever thought possible," said Haley. Peyton raised an eyebrow that Haley couldn't see.

"How close?"

"Not quite. But almost. And I would have, too. As soon as he came back, I would have. And I know I can't talk to him, because being mad that he has to stay behind and take care of his sisters is beyond selfish. But I can't help it. I need him," she moaned.

"He needs you too. And soon or later, he's going to realize it," promised Peyton, as Haley fell silent.

They'd had so many plans.

They'd planned out a road trip. Nathan would drive and Haley would navigate, and then they'd stop for a hotel. Nathan would help her set up her dorm room to help her gain status among her peers because although he was famous for something completely superficial, he was undeniably famous. Then they would go out to dinner, to a real restaurant, after eating at fast food places on their road trip. After this, Nathan had mumbled something about getting a room, but Haley had been secretly planning on letting him stay in hers.

Peyton had suggested stopping in New York to talk to Nathan, discuss their problems, attempt to work them out. But Haley couldn't bring herself to. She couldn't bring herself down further to go back to the man who'd abandoned her so thoroughly.

Yet she'd dived back into Chris' waiting arms a dozen times or more. What, if anything, did that say about her?

She hated that he ruined so much for her. That the concept of flirting, of dating, seemed like cheating. That she was still his, even though he'd never had her. The idea giving herself to anybody, anybody but him, was preposterous.

Haley James left early in the morning the weekend before her classes were to start. The night before she and Jake and Peyton had had their goodbyes, the sad remnants of their once strong clique.

Her dorm room was ugly and bare even after she'd decorated it with her personal effects. It was a single room, connected through a common room to two other singles. She hadn't yet met the new girls. She didn't particularly care about meeting them. She'd never been that good with new people. She hoped they wouldn't recognize her as the girl with the hickey who appeared with Nathan at that awards show.

Nathan. Why did he always have to come in to everything? Why did he have to creep into her thoughts when she was so sure she'd finally shaken him off?

Haley was quite sure she was going insane. And she hated herself for it.