Chapter Three: Meet The Agents
I would just like to say that this is mainly a matrix spoof and it involves swearing, that gets quite bad in parts, sexual reference and spread out violence. I've written it as a play script and you will discover many other well-known characters pop in along the way. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or quotes that are used in this script. If I did, I would be rich, but as I don't, I'm not. The only thing I own here is my own words and it takes a long time to put things like this together, so please don't steal. If you do however, and I find out...(grins manically)...I have friends that have friends...
Dedications: To all those at NbN who've read the other two chapters and have given me encouragement. I will try and feature some of you in future chapters!
P.S: # the equivalent to a star that you see used for blocking out, erm, unpleasant words.
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(Setting: BONUS FOOTAGE! Never Before Seen On DVD or video!
Morpheus is showing Neo a video of Agent Smith in action)
Neo: (Watches as Smith kicks the crap out of some unplugged dude) Holy cow man, that guy sure can kick!
Morpheus: Well, you don't say...
Neo: How come he's not on our team?
Morpheus: Could it be because THAT'S THE WHOLE BLOODY POINT OF THE BLOODY FILM, PREHAPS, NEO?!
Neo: (shrugs) I suppose. You should really try a breath mint you know, Morph.
Trinity: (wanders in) Wasn't Morph the funny read Plastocene model off that naff English kid's art show?
Neo: I dunno, possibly.
Morpheus: He was indeed. AND I DO NOT LOOK LIKE MORPH!
Neo: Sure you do.
Morpheus: In what way?
Neo: You're both bald, wear puzzled expressions on your faces and are hard to understand in the English language.
Trinity: Hey, he has a very good point.
Morpheus: GRRRRRRRRRRRR...
Neo: Dude, take a breath mint! (Offers Morpheus tictac)
Morpheus: (takes tictac) Hey, hang on a second, IT'S RED!
Neo: Uh huh. Cherry flavour.
Morpheus: Oooooh, cherry!
Trinity: Hey, can I have a tictac?
Neo: Sure, let's all have one! (Hands out tictacs)
Agent Smith on T.V: Can I have one?
Neo: Hey, has anyone ever told you that you look like Elrond out of Lord Of the Rings?
Agent Smith on T.V: Yes, several million times.
Neo: Oh, cool! (Hands tictac to Smith but is stopped by Morpheus)
Morpheus: IT'S RED, YOU BLOODY MORON!
Neo: Tee hee, Morpheus said bloody; he's English!
Trinity: (giggles)
Agent Smith on T.V: (giggles girlishly)
Trinity: You're more of a girl than I'll ever be.
Agent Smith: Hang on, you're Trinity?
Trinity: The one and only. Why?
Agent Smith on T.V: Jesus!
Trinity: What?
Agent Smith on T.V: I expected you to be a guy.
Trinity: Most guys do.
Neo: (bitch slaps Smith) THAT'S MY LINE, BUSTER!
Agent Smith on T.V: My name's not Buster. It's Smith.
Neo: I know.
Agent Smith on T.V: Then why did you call me Buster?
(Ozzy Osbourne walks past Agent Smith dressed as an Agent)
Neo: Oh My God, it's AGENT OZZY!
Everyone on set except Smith and Ozzy: (GASP)
Agent Smith on T.V: So what?
Agent Ozzy: Yeah, so ####ing what?
Neo: (looks up) How come you've blanked that out?
Author: (VO) My mum has to read these, you know.
Neo: Oh.
Agent Ozzy: So ####ing what, Anderson?
Neo: That's Mr. Anderson, to you, bub.
Agent Ozzy: Me name's not Bub, it's ####ing Ozzy.
Neo: Hi ####ing Ozzy!
Agent Ozzy: Don't get ####ing cute wise arse.
Neo: I'm not, ####ing Ozzy.
Agent Ozzy: Shurrup or I'll bite your ####ing 'ead off.
Neo: But I'm not a bat.
Agent Ozzy: Could have fooled me...
Neo: What's that meant to mean?
Agent Ozzy: Oh ####, that last sentence of mine didn't have a ####ing
swear word in it!
Neo: (gasps)
(A little black box appears on the television screen beneath the image of Ozzy and Smith reading: ALERT! YOU ARE NOW ON A QUEST TO FIND AGENT OZZY'S MISSING SWEAR! PLEASE PRESS THE RED BUTTON ON YOUR REMOTE TO ACCEPT)
Neo: How do you reject?
Morpheus: Can't- the cancel button got chewed off this remote during a re-run of Dr. Who by a certain someone...(glares at Trinity)
Trinity: What? I was going to bite my nails but the remote was closer- what was a girl meant to do?
Neo: (presses red button)
(Box on screen changes to read: CONGRATULATIONS ON EXCEPTING THIS QUEST. YOU WILL BE HANSOMELY REWARDED IF YOU SUCCEED. PLEASE FIND ENCLOSED IN THIS DVD CASE YOUR COMPLIMENTARY PACK CONTAINING: "HOW TO BE A GOOD AGENT" HANDBOOK, RIMLESS SUNGLASSES, BLACK DESIGNER SUIT, SHINEY SHOES, MAP OF NEW YORK CITY AND MUFFIN BASKET.)
Morpheus: (eats complimentary muffin) Mmm, complimentary...........
Agent Ozzy: Ah ####ing great, now the ####ing boss has got you ####ing lot on me ####ing case!
Neo: Who is your boss?
Agent Ozzy: ####ing Agent Cliff.
Neo: No, not the Agent Cliff?
(Sir Cliff Richard walks past Ozzy and Smith dressed as an agent)
Agent Cliff: That's Sir ####ing Agent Cliff to you, Ozzy. Everyone else can call me: Sir Agent Cliff.
Neo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(Ten minutes later)
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(Ten minutes later)
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(Ten Minutes later)
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Trinity: Wow, half an hour without a breath!
Neo: (nods) You should see whistle.
Trinity: Erm, no thanks- not right now.
Sir Agent Cliff: So, let's sing a song!
Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Sir Agent Cliff: Oh all right then- you youngsters are absolutely no fun. You better be going and getting on with this quest.
Morpheus, Trinity and Neo: Yes, we better. (Run out of mission briefing room and into the main ship's crewing area)
Sir Agent Cliff: (To Ozzy and Smith) Shall we sing a song then chaps?
Agent Ozzy and Agent Smith:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!