Chapter 5- Finding Blanky

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or quotes that are used in this script. If I did, I would be rich, but as I don't, I'm not. The only thing I own here is my own words and it takes a long time to put things like this together, so please don't steal. If you do however, and I find out...(grins manically)...I have friends that have friends...

Dedications: To all my friends at Notre Dame that have spent hours listening to me ramble on about the matrix and just about everyone who knows the real me- it's not an easy thing to know.

Kat, they are here.

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Setting: The New York Subway System, Georgia Street.

Trinity: (running) C'mon guys, we're gaining on it!

Morpheus: (ten meters behind) Puff....puff...

Agent Smith: (ten meters behind Morpheus) Gasp....pant....

Sid: (floating in midair) There is no swear.

Trinity: Oh sure there isn't Sid. That's why we're chasing it, right?

Sid: Huh?

Morpheus: (catches up) Pant...puff...gasp....

Trinity: C'mon Smith! I don't want to shoot you! Well, actually, I do, but that's not the point.

Agent Smith: (pants) Okay....I'm.....here...

Sid: Hallelujah!

Trinity: Isn't that a Christian word?

Sid: (panics) I don't know...oif...oif...eek!

Trinity: Why are you panicking?

Sid: I'm a Buddhist!

(The Twins appear out of thin air)

Twin 1: We are The Twins.

Twin 2: Indeed we are.

Twin 1: We are here to assassinate you.

Twin 2: Indeed we are.

Trinity: Listen guys, we're a little busy here.

Twin 1: Indeed you are.

Twin 2: Yes, indeed.

Trinity: Okay, only one thing to do. (shouts) LOOK- IT'S PESEPHONE! AND SHE'S NAKED!

(The Twins look up and Trinity, Morpheus, Sid and Agent Smith run away)

Twin 1: She is not there.

Twin 2: I am vexed.

Twin 1: I am also vexed.

Twin 2: We are vexed.

Twin 1: Indeed we are.

Twin 2: We must follow them.

Twin 1: Indeed we must.

(The Twins turn into their ghost-y forms and fly after Trinity, Morpheus, Sid and Agent Smith)

MEANWHILE...

Setting: Chester Zoo, England.

Neo: How the heck did we get here?

Agent Ozzy: It ####ing beats me.

Neo: Do you have to use such vulgar language Ozzy?

Agent Ozzy: No, but it makes good viewing for the average American Joe.

Average American Joe: Uh....####?

Neo: Well, it still doesn't answer my question. Why are we here?

Agent Ozzy: Didn't your mother tell you the facts of life?

Neo: I never knew my mother. I was adopted.

Everyone: Awwwwwwwwww....

Neo: Shut up and tell me why we're at Chester Zoo!

(Kat and Kim run past, still waving Neo's and Agent Ozzy's sunglasses in the air and are followed by an array of animals)

Kat and Kim: FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Neo: Never mind, I think I can guess.

Author: (VO) You're actually here to find Blanky the swear. He was last seen by the Polar Bear exhibit.

Neo: But my shades....

Author: (VO) No buts- go find Blanky.

Agent Ozzy: Tee hee, she said butts!

(Neo runs off to the Polar Bear exhibit whilst Ozzy chases after Kat and Kim)

MEANWHILE....

Setting: Heathrow Airport, England

Trinity: That flight from New York sure was short.

Sid: Could that be because you phoned Tank and asked him to speed things up a little?

Trinity: (shrugs) I guess so.

Agent Smith: Never mind that now, to Chester Zoo!

(Trinity's cell rings)

Trinity: Hello? Oh, hi Zee! Yeah, I'm good, you? Fantastic! Oh? Really? He is? Hang on, I'll put Morpheus on.

Morpheus: Hello Zee. Yes. No. Really? Oh! Put Link on. (pause whilst phone at other end changes user) Hi Link.Yeah, I'm fine. Yes, I heard. I wanted to ask you if you wanted a job on The Nebuchadnezzar? Yes, his job. Excellent! Uh huh. Uh huh. Don't worry, we've got Carl to get us out. No, of course he's real. She does? Okay, put Zee back on. (angry shouting down phone) Just doing my job! Well it's not my problem. Of course I'll be at the funeral. When is it? WHAT? No way! That's the night that Fox are re-running all episodes of "The Simpsons" back to back! (more angry shouting) Oh alright. Can I bring my portable TV then? What do you mean no? This whomps! (hangs up phone)

Trinity: What did she say?

Morpheus: Tank's funeral on Friday the 13th of October.

Trinity: Okay then. Onwards to Chester!

(The scene fades out and a map of Britain with street and business names appears with footprints walking up the map, occasionally stopping off in shops and cafés. One of the little footprints wanders into a porn shop and the other little footprints all race over and drag it out and continue up the map. "The Koda Song" from "Brother Bear" plays and after a minute or two the map fades and reveals our characters standing outside Chester Zoo.)

Trinity: Well, we made it.

Agent Smith: Yup.

Sid: Yay! A zoo!

Morpheus: Okay, I'm paying. (walks up to ticket booth) Can I have tickets for 3 adults, one child please?

Ticket Girl: Certainly Sir! (hands Morpheus tickets) Hey aren't you that guy off The Matr-

Morpheus: No. (runs inside and is followed by Sid, Trinity and Agent Smith)

Trinity: You are the guy off The Matrix though, Morpheus.

Morpheus: No I'm not. She means Neo.

Trinity: Of course she doesn't. She could never mistake my darling Neo for you. (sighs lovingly and stares into thin air)

Thin Air: Hey, quit staring!

(An obsessed Matrix fan appears out of no where)

Obsessed Matrix Fan Girl: EIIIIIIIIIIIII! LYK, OMG! IT'S THOSE PPL FROM THE MATRIX! LYK OMG OMG OMG! COME ON GIRLS! COME AND SEE WHO I'VE FOUND!

(more matrix fan girls appear and close in on Agent Smith, Sid, Morpheus and Trinity, brandishing autograph books and cameras.)

Trinity: Only one thing to do here.

Agent Smith: What's that?

Trinity: Bullet time!

(Trinity jumps into the air and kicks a fan girl in the face, but in bullet time for added effect.)

Fan girl: ARGH! (falls over)

Agent Smith and Morpheus: Cool! (they too start to kick and punch matrix fan girls in bullet time)

TEN MINUTES LATER

(All the Matrix fan girls are unconscious on the floor and Morpheus, Trinity, Sid and Agent Smith are queuing for ice cream.)

Trinity: Okay, I'll have a strawberry dream cornet,

Morpheus: I'll have a chocolate fugicle!

Agent Smith: Vanilla Pod for me.

Sid: I want a chocolate fudge sundae, with nuts, toffee sauce, caremel sticks, wafers and a flake!

Ice Cream Vendor: Okay, but what's a fudgicle?

Trinity: Morpheus, we're in England now!

Morpheus: Erm, never mind. I'll have a mint choc chip tub instead.

Ice Cream Vendor: Okay, (serves ice cream) That'll be £20 for the Sundae, £5 for the Strawberry cornet, £8 for the choc chip tub and £3 for the vanilla pod.

Sid: £20! This better be the best ice cream I've ever had...(eats spoonful) (shrugs) Ah, it'll pass. (pays)

Trinity: Well, I heard prices at zoos were expensive but...oh well. (pays)

Morpheus: I love my ice cream, no matter what the price. (pays)

Agent Smith: It's bloody ridiculous! (nibbles cornet) Oooh, ridiculousy cheap! (pays)

Ice Cream Vendor: Heh heh heh heh...(evil glint in eyes)

(Trinity, Sid, Morpheus and Agent Smith wander along the path and towards the Polar Bear exhibit where they find The Twins photographing the polar bears)

Twin 1: We love polar bears!

Twin 2: Indeed we do.

Trinity: (licks cornet) Okay, now that's scary.

Twin 1: 'icle fluffy bears...(sees Trinity, Morpheus, Sid and Agent Smith) Erm we mean..

Twin 2: You mean. Don't bring me into this.

Twin 1: I mean big, killing machines, obviously. (turns to twin 2) But we're twins!

Trinity: (raises an eyebrow)

Twin 2: Wrong.

Twin 1: WHAT?

Trinity: Let's get Jerry Springer out!

(The scenery changes. The Twins find themselves sitting in chairs and Morpheus, Trinity, Sid and Agent Smith are backstage on "The Jerry Springer Show".)

Audience: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

(Theme tune plays and audience clap)

Introducer: (VO) Ladies and gentlemen, on Today's Jerry Springer show: "Are we really twins?" Two so-called "Twins" fight for the truth and "HEARTLESS" My boyfriend stole my sister's dead husband's job. But now, I give you, JERRRRRRRRRRRRRY SPRINGER!

Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Jerry Springer comes down from staircase, waving and smiling)

Jerry Springer: Hello everyone, and welcome to the Jerry Springer show!

Auidence: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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That's enough for chapter 5. Definitely TBC.