Chapter 6-JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or quotes that are used in this script. If I did, I would be rich, but as I don't, I'm not. The only thing I own here is my own words and it takes a long time to put things like this together, so please don't steal. If you do however, and I find out…(grins manically)…I have friends that have friends…
I hope you wanted another chapter. If not, tough luck- you've got one anyway.
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Setting: The Jerry Springer Show-Live on air!
Jerry Springer: Yes, thank you. Without further ado, let's get straight onto the main show, starting with "Are We Really Twins?". Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Twin 1 and Twin 2!
Audience: (clapping)
Jerry Springer: We've secretly got a DNA test from the pair, and we'll be revealing the results later, but first, Twin 1, what makes you think that you and Twin 2 are twins?
Twin 1: Absolutely nothing, Jerry.
Twin 2 and audience: (gasp)
Jerry Springer: Really? Why not?
Twin 1: Well, he doesn't like Dickens. He likes icky Shakespeare!
Jerry Springer: Not all twins like the same things though.
Twin 1: And running people over isn't as fun with him because he won't let me drive.
Jerry Springer: Well, good enough for me! Twin 2, same question.
Twin 2: My twin has started using single verbs instead of plural. We used to always say "us" and "we" but now it's always "you" or "I" or "me". (sniffs, fighting back tears) We used to go fly fishing together but….(sniff)…He's….(sniff) no fun anymore….(breaks down crying)
Jerry Springer: Why does that always happen on this show? Can't anyone resolve anything without tears nowadays?
Twin 1: Jerry, if we could, you'd be out of a job.
Jerry Springer: Oh, yeah. Here, have a dollar. (hands Twin 1 a dollar note)
Twin 2: Hey, I want a dollar!
Twin 1: Not I want one. We want one. And we have one.
Twin 2: No you have one!
Twin 1: We.
Twin 2: You!
Jerry Springer: (over noise of Twins arguing in background) And now a word from our sponsors, The Black Eyed Peas!
Black Eyed Peas: People killing, people dying, children hurting you hear them crying. Can we practise what we preach or will we turn the other cheek?
Father, father, father help us, send some guidance from above.
These people got me got me questioning where is the love?
Jerry Springer: Yes, strong words there. (nods)
The Twins: We have resolved this matter. (each holds up a half of a torn dollar bill and grins)
Jerry Springer: Nooooooo! Not the money! Ah well. I've got loads more of that. (points at suit made out of $100 notes)
Audience: Oooooooooooh!
Jerry Springer: Uh huh! Very flashy. (grins and twirls about)
The Twins: Isn't this about us?
Jerry Springer: Uh, yeah. DNA test results, anyone?
The Twins: YEAH!
(a midget scuttles on screen, hands Jerry the envelope and scuttles off)
Jerry Springer: (opens envelope) My oh my! This is a shocking turn of events!
The Twins: Why?
Jerry Springer: Erm….Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Ernie and Bernie the jellyfish!
Audience: Woooooo. (clap)
Ernie and Bernie: Yeah man!
Jerry Springer: Well, is this amazing or what? It seems that the twins here are………
(everyone waits….drumroll)
(still waiting)
(still waiting)
(still waiting)
(still waiting)
(Yup- still waiting)
(uh huh- you guessed it)
(YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO ASK NOW!)
Jerry Springer: Twin 2 and ME!
Twin 2: (gasp)
Twin 1: Hooray.
Ernie and Bernie: Then what are we doing here man?
Jerry Springer: (shrugs) We do not know.
Twin 2: Indeed we do not.
Jerry Springer: Oh, hold on. We have more twin-age related news.
Twin 2: Indeed we do.
Jerry Springer: Twin 1 is none other than our third twin. Making us triplets.
Twin 2: Indeed it does.
Twin 1: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (runs)
Twin 2: Quick, after him! (turns into spirit-ghost thing)
Jerry Springer: Uh, a little help here?
Twin 2: Oh, sorry. (tosses Jerry "Morphing for dummies" v.2)
Jerry Springer: (reads and changes into a gopher)
Twin 2: Yes, an improvement.
Jerry Springer: Eeik! Ack! EK! (changes into kangaroo)
Twin 2: Ah well, that'll have to do.
Jerry Springer: (clicks tongue)
Twin 2: Okay Skippy, away we go! (climbs into pouch)
Jerry Springer: (bounds off after Twin 2)
MEANWHILE….
(backstage on the Jerry Springer show with Trinity, Morpheus, Agent Smith and Sid)
Morpheus: (raids minibar)
Trinity: (yawns)
Agent Smith: (pokes nose)
Sid: But there is no nose.
(Smith's nose bends)
Agent Smith: Erk….cannot….breath….(gasps)
Morpheus: (drinking can of iced tea) How does he smell?
Sid: (sniffs) Terrible. (dunks Smith in a bath)
Trinity: I'm going back to Chester. We have to find Neo and Agent Oz-
(the fire exit swings open and Neo and Agent Ozzy walk in, with Blanky the swear cradled in Ozzy's arms)
Trinity: NEO! (runs up to Neo and kisses him)
Neo: Whoa…get back girly! I'm taken!
Trinity: (blinks) Who by?
Neo: Trinity…
Trinity: Neo, that's me.
Neo: Oh, right. Heh. It's been so long…
Agent Smith and Agent Ozzy: Well, we have to be going now. We have a world to take over.
Neo: But you won't be attacking us, Right?
Agent Smith: Wrong. Just because you found Ozzy's swear doesn't mean I'm not going to come back and kick your ass next movie.
Neo: Grrrr….
(Agent Smith and Agent Ozzy run through door)
Agent Smith: Goodbye, Mr. Anderson!
Neo: Goodbye, Agent Elrond!
(New World Symphony plays as Agent Smith and Agent Ozzy walk off into the sunset)
Trinity: This better not be the end.
Neo: Why?
Sid: Because it's crap as far as endings go- even worse than what's down for Revolutions, and that's saying something.
Trinity: Plus the whole erm, "thing" that Neo and I have to do…
Neo: What thing?
Trinity: (nudges Neo in the ribs)
Neo: Ow! (Thinks and giggles) Oh, erm, that thing…
Trinity: (nods)
Neo: Well, okay guys. Trinity and I have a "thing" to do. We'll catch you later. (the pair run off)
Morpheus: None of this was anything like the original script.
Author: (VO) I know.
Sid: There is no script.
Morpheus: None worth reading, kid. None worth reading. (shakes head)
Sid: Well, as long as she doesn't make us do Oliver in the next fanfic, it's okay.
Author: (VO) Have you been reading my "To Do" list again?
Sid: Erm…
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Yes, I am planning on writing a script for "The Matrix: Please Sir, Can we have some more?" in the near future amongst other things. This isn't where this one finishes though- I said Elrond .vs. Anderson and that's what it'll be. Please be patient for the next chapter!