Chapter 8: Welcome to Matrixwood
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or quotes that are used in this script. If I did, I would be rich, but as I don't, I'm not. The only thing I own here is my own words and it takes a long time to put things like this together, so please don't steal. If you do however, and I find out…(grins manically)…I have friends that have friends…
Well, it's taken a while, but it's here. Don't get annoyed because I haven't done a new chapter in a while. I'm working on other projects! (Mutters sinisterly)
Dedicated To: You! The loyal readers and reviewers!
Got a problem with my writing? Call 0500-DEAL-WITH-IT.
Setting: The Nebuchadnezzar.
We find our heroes playing Monopoly, whilst Link attempts to fix the computer.
Morpheus: I'm buying Old Kent Road. (Hands Neo monopoly notes) This for all my girls, all around the world!
Trinity: Have you played Monopoly before, Morpheus?
Morpheus: No- but neither have you by the look of it. Hah! You've bought all the expensive properties! You're wasting money! I don't understand why it's okay- the guy can get away with it!
Trinity: Whatever. (Rolls dice and moves the little silver dog to Mayfair) Buying Mayfair. (Hands Neo monopoly money)
Morpheus: See? (Picks up a community chest card) You have won second prize in a beauty contest. Collect £10. Hmm. I'm beautiful, no matter what they say!
Neo: (laughs) Hah- who was the winner- a pig?
Everyone accept Morpheus cracks up laughing.
Morpheus: You're just a little boy, all you do is annoy, you must talk so big to make up for smaller things!
Sid: Duuuude! That was harsh!
Neo: (cries)
Trinity: Yeah, no need to diss him in song! (Pats Neo)
Link: Okay guys! I fixed it!
The sound of Windows 98 booting up is heard.
Everyone: Yay!
Morpheus: Carwash!
Link: Quick- get plugged in.
Everyone sits in their corresponding chairs, with Link rushing around plugging them in, except Luke Piewalker, Luke Skywalker and Sid, whom grab chairs next to Link.
Link: What the –
LS: Hi!
Sid: Hi!
LP: Pie!
Link: What the hell?
Sid: The boys and I can't actually enter the Matrix, so we've got to hang with you!
Link: Shazbut.
Sid: (steals Neo's spare shades and a headset and puts them on) Ready.
LS: (steals Trinity's spare shades and a headset and puts them on) I second that.
LP: (steals Morpheus's spare shades and a headset and puts them on) I cube that!
Link: Okay. Two rules you have to abide by- 1) don't say anything unless I tell you to, and 2) Don't touch anything.
Sid: Okay!
LS: Okay!
LP: What does this big red button do?
Link: NOOOO! NOT THE BIG RED BUTTON!
LP: Why?
Link: Something bad always happens when they press the red button!
LP: Who's they?
Link: People in the movies.
LP: But it says "Please Press Red Button" in the instruction manual! (Holds up a ripped copy of a thick paperback, entitled "The Nebuchadnezzar For Dummies")
Link: Hey! No messing with my fire fuel! (snatches book, which falls apart in his hands)
A phone rings. Sid answers.
Sid: Hello, City Morgue- You kill 'em, we bill 'em!
Link: SID! NO! (Snatches phone) Hello? What? You're where?
MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE IN THE MATRIX…Neo: (into cell phone) We're in Starbucks. What do you mean which one! There are over 100 just in this city, Link! How should I know which one? But the fan girls were chasing me! No, I'm sure they weren't chasing Morpheus. Do you really need to ask why? The "I Love Neo" t-shirts were a bit of a give-away, Link. Right. I'll do that. Okay. Yes. Bye. (Shoves cell phone in pocket)
Trinity: (drinking a cappachunio) What did he say?
Neo: Bring him a box of doughnuts and a latte back.
Morpheus: (re appears from ladies toilets, where screaming and shrieking can be heard) Can we go now? And I wondered, where I fit in…
Neo: What? We're in a café! You love cafes, Morpheus!
Morpheus: I know, but…. (Points at coca cola vending machine) It won't tie well with my sponsors at Pepsi if I'm caught by the paparazzi here. Words can't bring me down!
Neo: You don't have any sponsors at Pepsi!
Trinity: (whispers to Neo)
Neo: Oh, those sponsors. Okay, let's go.
CUT TO NEW SCENE: Morpheus, Neo and Trinity walking on a road beneath the "Hollywood" sign.
Morpheus: Are we there yet? I will be strong on my own
Neo: No.
Morpheus: Are we there yet? I will find my way
Trinity: Not yet.
Morpheus: Are we there yet? I will keep on travelling down the road
Neo: No.
Morpheus: Are we there yet? I will see through the rain
Trinity: Not yet.
Morpheus: Are we there yet? I will show the world, the things you never expected to see, from little old me…
Neo: Yes.
Morpheus: Really? I gotta believe, there's something out there meant for me..
Neo: NO!
Trinity: Actually Neo, we are there yet!
Neo: Wh00t.
Two giant gates, emblazoned with the title "Beverly Hills" open, whilst a heavenly choir sings.Neo: Oh just shut up!
Author (VO): It's only setting the scene.
Neo: Bah humbug.
The paparazzi appear and photograph Neo saying "Bah Humbug".
Paparazzi: This photo will get my kids through college!
Neo: Huh?
Trinity: Neo, you've got to be careful! This is Hollywood! Remain as ordinary looking and sounding as you can! Don't draw attention to yourself.
Neo: Oh, right.
Trinity: So, which one is Kelly's house?
Neo: Easy! Look for the one with vampire bats and loud rock music playing.
A black mansion appears out of the ground, with vampire bats and loud rock music playing.
Trinity: That one.
TEN MINUTES LATER
Neo: (knocks on door, which is answered by…AGENT OZZY!)
Agent Ozzy: Neo? Trinity? Morpheus? What the ?
Neo: Ozzy!
Trinity: Ozzy!
Morpheus: Carwash!
Agent Ozzy: What the 's up with Morpheus?
Trinity: He's got Christina-itis.
Agent Ozzy: Sounds nasty!
Trinity: Uh huh.
Neo: Is Kelly home?
Agent Ozzy: Who wants to know?
Neo: me.
Agent Ozzy: Yes, she's home. Why?
Trinity: The only way to cure Morpheus is to get him to talk to your daughter in a civilized fashion. Can we come in?
Agent Ozzy: Yes, and mind the dogs.
Trinity, Neo and Morpheus step into the mansion.Agent Ozzy: I'll just shout Kelly. KELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY!
Kelly: off, dad!
Agent Ozzy: yourself, our kid! YOU'VE GOT VISITORS!
Kelly: Who?
Agent Ozzy: The good guys from the Matrix!
Kelly: Is Neo there?
Neo: (gulp)
Agent Ozzy: Of course, Kelly! GET DOWN HERE!
Thundering noises on the stairs as Kelly runs down them.
Kelly: What the do you lot want?
Neo: Morpheus has caught a disease.
Kelly: ! Is it catching? (steps away from Morpheus)
Neo: No. We need you to talk to him for five minutes without either of you swearing at each other.
Morpheus: Dirrty!
Trinity: Do you think you can do that?
Kelly: Sure. Hello Mr. Morpheus!
Morpheus: Where? Where? (spins around frantically trying to see who Kelly is talking to) Fighter!
Trinity: Erm, you'll have to address him as Christina. He thinks he's Christina Aguleira.
Kelly: What the !
Neo: He caught it by wearing some chaps and a bikini.
Kelly: Like….ew?
Neo: Yeah.
Kelly: Okay…here goes nothing. Hello…Christina.
Morpheus: Hello Kelly.
Silence whilst tumbleweeds bounces by and the wind howls.
Kelly: So…
Morpheus: Yeah…
Kelly: Have you heard….
Morpheus: Um…
Kelly: Yeah?
Morpheus: Nah.
Kelly: Oh.
Morpheus: Right.
Suddenly, Morpheus falls to the floor and everyone (except him) gasps.
Kelly: Christina?
Morpheus: Name…not…Christina….name….Morpheus!
Trinity: We cured him!
Neo: Bah. That wasn't even a proper conversation.
Trinity: Neo?
Neo: What?
Trinity: Shut up.
Neo: Oh.
Morpheus stands up and brushes himself off, suddenly realizing what he's wearing.
Morpheus: EIIIII! What in the name of Sentinels am I wearing?
Agent Ozzy: Here, put this on. (Hands Morpheus a suit)
Trinity: Hey- that sentence didn't have a swear in it!
Agent Ozzy: Blanky's on vacation.
Neo: Really?
Trinity: Where?
Agent Ozzy: Umm…some place in England…a restaurant with some pompous chef called Gordon.
Trinity: Oh.
Agent Ozzy: So he sent his French cousin Beepy to stay.
Beepy: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Morpheus: Okay. What should I do with these? (holds up chaps and bikini)
Neo: (shrugs) Sell them on E-Bay?
Morpheus: Good idea! To the internet café! (drags Trinity and Morpheus out of the house)
Neo: Thanks for everything!
Agent Ozzy: No problemo, Neo. See you at the end of the film!
Neo: Why?
Agent Ozzy: Duuh! Agent Elrond and I are going to take you on. And win!
Neo: Will not!
Agent Ozzy: Will too!
Neo: Will not!
Agent Ozzy: Will too!
The argument continues, fading into silence as Morpheus. Trinity and Neo get further away from the Osborne's house.
Neo: I wonder what they're doing back home…
ON THE NEBUCHANEZZAR:
Sid: Anyone for Piñata?
LS: Me!
Link: Me too!
LP: Me three!
Sid: Well tough luck, because we haven't got one.
Link, LS and LP: Awwwwwwww…
LS: I bet they're having more fun in the Matrix.
IN THE MATRIX:
Morpheus: (reading star spotting map) Hey- did you know loads of famous people live here?
Trinity: They don't call it Hollywood for nothing, Morph.
Morph: For the love of cheeseburgers- STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Neo: Look- it's a Neo impersonator! (points to Keanu Reeves walking down the street)
Trinity: Neo, there's two faults with your comment there- 1) He isn't a Neo impersonator, and 2) no one would want to impersonate you.
Author: (VO) Plus that's Keanu Reeves.
Neo: But he looks like me!
Author: (VO) Uh oh. I can see the way this is going.
Morpheus: Quick! To the E-Café! (runs into the nearest internet café)
Trinity: We'll finish this conversation when we are back on the ship. (follows Morpheus)
Neo: (mutters and follows Trinity)
Morpheus: Okay…lets get these sold. (types in information)
Neo: Hang on…Christina Aguleira never wore those!
Morpheus: Shh! The gullible public on the net don't know that!
Computer: Your auction has been confirmed. Auction will terminate at 03.00 hours tomorrow morning.
Neo: Okay- now's that done, let's go home!
Trinity: Fine by me.
Morpheus: Oh, all right then.
Neo: (dials Link's number into his cell phone) Link? Get me an exit! What? Where the Matrix is that? What? SID! GET OFF THE PHONE! Link? Get me an exit! Right. Bye.
Trinity: Where is it?
Neo: Public phone box, outside this café.
Morpheus: What?
Neo: We are leaving. Now. Go.
Morpheus, Neo and Trinity leave the café.
Phone: Ring. Ring. Ring.
Trinity: Not very enthusiastic, is it?
Neo: They don't make 'em like they used to. Ladies first!
Morpheus: Don't mind if I do! (picks up phone) Oh, it's for you, Neo.
Neo: Hello? (disappears)
Morpheus: D'oh! (hangs phone up)
Phone: Ring. Ring. Ring.
Morpheus: (picks the phone up) It's for you, Trinity.
Trinity: Hello? (disappears)
Morpheus: D'oh! (hangs phone up) Well, they'll ring back to get me any minute now.
Half an hour later…
Phone: ring. Ring. Ring.
Morpheus: (picks up phone and disappears)
BACK ON THE NEBUCHANEZZARSid: How did it go?
LS: What did you do?
LP: Who did you meet?
Link: And WHERE ARE MY LATTE AND DOUGHNUTS?