AN: You know the drill, I don't own Love Hina. I do, however, own a large stash of mismatched clothing and the occasional Salem cigarette. This is my shot at a semi-dark Kei fic, since I'm pretty pissy right now at the world. One shot, enjoy.

"Naru-punch!" Naru screamed, sending Keitaro flying into orbit yet again.

Keitaro growled as he flew threw the air, years of accumulated abuse final snapping him. That does it! He thought, I'm gonna solve all my problems once and for all! As he continued his fall, eventually hitting a tree, he pondered what he could do to get his life back in track. Finally, he decided to get a pack of cigarettes.

"Hello, love!" Keitaro chirped at the lady at the counter, after walking into the store. "Give me a pack of Salem 100s, and make it fresh!" The lady glowered at him.

"Do you have your I.D, sir?" Keitaro whipped it out, tossing it on the counter flippantly. "Sure, do. Now that I know how old I am, how old are you, sweetie?"

The girl glared at him, annoyed. "None of your business. That'll be $2.68."

Keitaro took his pack, and then looked around, aggravated. Then he grabbed a lighter from the display case and lit his cigarette.

"Hey, you gonna pay for that?" Keitaro smiled, then leaned forward and looked at the display case.

"Hm, good for two hundred lights, apparently. Not a bad deal for a dollar. So, that is half a cent per light, right?" Keitaro fished in his pocket and grabbed a penny, flipping it towards the girl, who caught it reflexively. "Keep the change, love." With that, he left the store.

The girl turned towards the other customer in the line, a chubby man who was clutching his candy bar protectively. "You better not be planning on taking a bite out of that and paying me a nickel, or I'll castrate you."

Keitaro finally arrived back at the inn, and immediately decided to take the second step in his plan to renovate his life. "Oi, girls, get your asses down here!" The girls slowly filed into the front room, looking at Keitaro, his lit cigarette, and absorbing his new attitude. He surveyed them all, and finally grinned.

"Okay, we'll start with you, Naru. You haven't been paying rent for a while, electing instead to pay your college expenses. Well, that finally caught up with you. You owe me $1000 for rent. Oh, and I've also compiled this list of medical bills that are resultant of your super-freak punches. That'll be an additional $3000. Pay now, or get out of my inn." Keitaro smirked, and then turned to Motoko.

"As for you, doll, I have a special surprise. In fact, it should be arriving any time now. Not to ruin the secret, but I sort of discovered a group of people that agree a feministic, cold hearted witch with excessive skill in obsolete swordsmanship and an intense phobia of turtles is considerably wrong. Oh, there they are now!"

Keitaro grinned as a group of hospital orderlies showed up, one of whom was carrying a straightjacket, and another a large turtle plushy. Torn between fearing the turtle and dodging the jacket, Motoko was outmatched and eventually jacketed and thrown into the back of the padded van, which pulled away as quickly as they had arrived.

"Ah, darling sweet Shinobu. Yes, you haven't been paying rent either, but I'll forgive that in lieu of the cooking and housekeeping you have been doing instead. Therefore, you are now promoted to Hinata Inn Housekeeping Manager. Oh, and to be technical, your position may or may not include the title of 'Mistress of the House.' No worries." Shinobu gaped at Keitaro. One can only wonder if she was more shocked by his newly developed attitude, or the fact that she was now his mistress.

"Oh, Haruka, don't you worry, your position is safe, too. You've been steadily bringing in decent money since day one. However, a tea house is a bit too obsolete for my tastes, and, citing Motoko as an example, you see what happens to obsolete things. Therefore, I am proud to announce that Hinata House Teashop is now shut down, and will be replaced with Hinata House Harem." Keitaro was struck by a sudden idea. "Hey, Naru, you don't actually need to leave, I have a job for you after all!"

Naru screamed and lunged towards Keitaro, her fist fully connecting with his face, shattering his glasses and bending his cigarette. "Eh, I probably deserved that. Tsk, now I guess you didn't read that paper I gave you. You know, the restraining order? Abusive relationships are the entire fad nowadays, so I figured I'd give it a shot. Officer Kimotu?" A tall burly man showed up from nowhere and dragged Naru away, screaming.

Keitaro turned to the remaining girls. "Okay, Kitsune. You are now in charge of training Shinobu in her new position, keeping my wine cellar properly stocked, and serving as den mother in the new harem. Good luck, it's a tough job, Shinobu'll be a hard nut to crack." Keitaro chuckled at his joke.

"Kaolla, mechanics. You keep the inn from falling apart, and you won't ever need to worry about bananas again. I'll import a few banana trees for your bedroom. If you fail, however, well, you see what happens to abusers in an contracted relationship." Kaolla, ever cheerful, saluted and marched out of the room, where an explosion was immediately heard. "Ah, we all make mistakes." Keitaro said, shrugging.

"Now, who am I forgetting?" Keitaro pondered, looking at the remaining girls. "Ah, I think that is it. Any of you girls that I forgot, you get to pack your bags in the next fifteen minutes, before Kimotu returns to drag you off. So chop chop!"

Keitaro sighed. "Now that that is over, I wonder what else I can do to make my life better. Maybe…"

THE END

Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed it. I was in a bad mood, so I figured I'd vent some steam. I don't actually hold a grudge against any of the characters (my favorite, if you couldn't tell, is Shinobu, but I dislike passionately the old Motoko bitch.)

This thing took me about ten minutes to write in Microsoft Word. Hope there aren't any typos, but like I said, things can happen. And if you want, send me a quick PM letting me know you liked it, hated it, want to see more, want to see me in jail, or such. Also check out my more serious, canon fic, Love Hina: The Final Days, for naked Motoko, gun toting Haruka, and a clueless Keitaro in a world of zombies, self insertions, and the lovely bike from FFVII.