I lean to you, numb as a fossil. Tell me I'm here. Sylvia Plath
House passed her a plate with a sandwich on it; she took the plate wordlessly and set it on her lap. House plopped down on the couch next to her and looked at her expectantly.
Cameron sighed and rolled her eyes, knowing that he wasn't going to let her do anything until she had eaten something. She tentatively took a bite and was pleasantly surprised to see that House could actually make his own sandwich.
Her surprise must have shown on her face because House chuckled and said, "It's not too hard to make a sandwich, even I can manage not to mess that up."
"Says the man who refuses to make his own coffee at work," Cameron said smiling.
"That's different. Your coffee just tastes better," he said, as though it was a well known fact.
Cameron smirked in spite of her mood, she could get used to falling into this easy banter again. 'No bad Cameron, this is not something you need to pick back up, it's a bad habit' she internally scolded herself for falling back into her old habits.
She took another bite of the sandwich and continued her inner monologue. As she was doing so she looked over at House. He seemed so much more at ease at home; she chalked it up to being comfortable on his own turf. She would never say it but she loved watching him when he was at ease, it made him seem younger and almost approachable… i almost /i .
She sighed knowing that she shouldn't continue with these thoughts because in the end it only left her with pain and self-loathing.
Hearing her sigh House set his sandwich down on the table and turned to look at her.
"Cameron, you need to tell me what's going on so I can help you," he said with an air of patience that was never evident in the clinic.
Cameron snorted, "Are you doubling as a therapist now?" She knew he was just trying to help, but that in itself unnerved her. House being helpful especially when it came to her was unheard of and she wasn't sure how to handle it.
House shot her a sharp glance, "No I'm not, but as a doctor, your boss, and a friend I'd like to know because I hate seeing you this way."
Cameron raised her eyebrow at the word friend but wisely chose to ignore it not wanting cause any conflict by questioning it.
"Cameron, let me help you. You help everyone else and now you need help. And since I'm the only one who's stubborn enough to handle your stubbornness you're going to get mine."
She had to smile at that because she knew it was an adequate assessment of the situation.
She placed her sandwich on the table next to his and sighed again before beginning.
"House, I don't know what's wrong with me," she held up her hand to stop his interruption. "I know I am depressed, that's obvious. But normal people get depressed, but I have never experienced it this badly before."
"Cameron you're under a lot of stress right now, its understandable," he tried, but she shook her head, chuckling wryly.
"No, don't you see? It's not. It started before the possibility of AIDS, before the drugged out sex. It's just more obvious now because all of a sudden I can have a legitimate reason to be depressed. Before all of this I still felt this way, only I knew better than to make it apparent to anyone because then they'd just worry, or try and make me feel better."
"This started a while ago. This, this feeling of emptiness. The feeling of being completely and utterly void. Most days I just want to curl into a ball and go to sleep, and never wake up."
"Its not that I'm suicidal," she said preempting any assumptions that she could be. "I just don't feel the way I used to. Sure I can make it through a day of work, and fool everyone into thinking I'm okay. I guess though since it's so much worse than before it was obvious to people that something was wrong."
"I feel so alone, and so empty that it frightens me. On good days I fight it and push those feelings below the surface, but on bad days, like today it overflows and it's just too much to deal with."
She sighed shakily and glanced up to see his reaction to her little emotional purge.
He was looking at her, almost seeing her for the first time. His eyes were searching hers worriedly, eyes that were full of compassion and some other emotion that was familiar yet foreign at the same time.
He knew now that he was the only one capable of helping her, of fixing this damaged woman. Sure he had scoffed at her before for being damaged, and had admitted to her that he himself was damaged. But who better than a person whose already been there to help you out of hell?
He shifted over on the couch, placing his hand comfortingly on her uninjured one and placing his arm around her shoulders, holding her as she slumped forward, emotionally and physically drained from the day.
"I am so sorry Cameron. I know how that can be, more so than you think. And I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you earlier when you needed me. But I'm here now and I won't leave you alone."