Still in demand for some reason… although almost every main character has had part of their life ruined by Keitaro. However, a guilty conscious may intervene, sparing the ones Keitaro loves… NOT. This is a dark fic, not some sappy romance. More hatred, cruelty, and sparks of immaturity await you, dear reader!
"Keitaro!" A soft voice whispered in Keitaro's ear. When he showed no sign of awakening, the voice persisted. "Keitaro, Keitaro-kun, Keitaro, wake up!" Finally, Keitaro grumbled and rolled out of bed.
"Keitaro, I have returned!" Moe proclaimed sadly. "It has come to my attention that you are possessed by a demon who wants to permanently alter the happy life you had ahead of you… Keitaro, are you listening?"
Keitaro looked at Moe, shivering slightly. "I can't believe how cold it is in here, Moe. Is it because you are a spirit of some sort, trying to guide me to my own ultimate salvation?"
Moe chuckled. "In part, yes, and partially because you are sleeping completely naked with no covers." Keitaro looked down and had the decency to blush slightly.
"Well, I'm not used to inanimate beings possessing a doll and trying to enter my room to give me advice." Keitaro paused, giving Moe a quick look up and down that she found highly inappropriate. "Wow, Moe, you are pretty well constructed, aren't you?" He stopped at the look of horror that crossed her face. "No, I mean it, what are you, oak? And it looks like you don't have any 'mites or bugs in you…"
Moe shot him a look of indignation. "Of course I don't have any bugs! And I'll let you know I am constructed of the finest quality maple wood!" Keitaro nodded, seemingly happy about this fact.
"So, what is this incredibly sage advice you have to offer me? Shall I give up cigarettes and get into the cigar habit? I can afford it now, who knew that The Hinata Red Light District would be so profitable?" Keitaro made as to throw his cigarettes out the window, but Moe couldn't take such littering.
"No, wait, Keitaro. I'm not telling you to quit smoking or change your brand. I'm just saying, you have been possessed by a demon. You were supposed to be part of a carefully crafted love triangle between you and Naru and Motoko, which ultimately creates a forceful team known across the land known as The Unity of Strength, Devotion, and Eternal Justice, however; if you continue along this path, you'll just become known as Urashima Keitaro, The Most Highly Profitable Pimp." Moe hesitated, looking sidelong at Keitaro. He seemed to be slightly disgusted by the first title, and highly amused by the second.
"So, is that all you came to tell me?" He said finally. Moe nodded, muted by this changed man in front of her. Keitaro gave her that look again, the one that made her very nervous. And then he grinned widely and began to walk towards her.
"Keitaro? Keitaro, what are you doing?" She asked, panicked. He just continued smiling.
"I told you it was cold in here, didn't I?" He inquired, almost as though he were commenting on the mating patterns of butterflies. Then, suddenly, he lunged towards Moe, grabbing her wrist and dragging her towards his bed.
"Keitaro, Keitaro, no!" She positively screamed. "I'll… I'll… I'll give you splinters!" Keitaro snorted as he realized what she thought he was about to do.
"No, no, darling Moe, I wouldn't do that with you. That's what I've got real women for." Moe gave Keitaro a hurt look, even though she had just been protesting what he was now defusing rapidly.
"But, I do need something to warm me up, and there is something you can do to help." Keitaro shot Moe a happy smile. Moe sighed, and smiled back at Keitaro. He isn't that bad yet, he still isn't lustful like I thought the demon would make him. She thought.
Keitaro fumbled in the corner of his room, and the sudden flickering caught her eyes right as Keitaro pulled harshly on her arm, throwing her into the fireplace, before slamming the screen in place.
Keitaro began to laugh calmly as he sat in front of the fireplace, the panicked yelling inside the only sign that something was wrong with this peaceful scene.
"Ah, walking, talking firewood that gives you random tidbits of useless fortune cookie advice." Keitaro sighed, arching back on the floor. "What will they think of next, gothic girls with magic cats who fall desperately in love with their brothers?"
Almost as if on cue, Kanako walked into the room. She took a look at Keitaro, then took a look at the still burning Moe, and then her eyes shot back to Keitaro as she realized he was completely naked. She stared, small dribbles of drool hanging out of her mouth and a river of blood shooting out of her nose. Keitaro didn't notice her, and so continued to stretch calmly in front of the talking firewood, which was still yelling ineffectually to be let out.
"Ah… ah…" Kanako stuttered, unable to get a word out. "Ah… ah…"
Keitaro finally heard the noise behind him, and turned towards Kanako, revealing even more of his body to her. Kanako slowly melted towards the ground, which was not in the least related to the simmering heat being released by the fire in the corner. Her cheeks, or at least where her cheeks used to be, burned bright red, causing the pool that was her to start to boil.
"Ew." Keitaro said plainly. "Er, hey, Kanako, great news, they make singing firewood now. You throw it on the fire and it starts to sing!" He kicked the grate, causing Moe to start yelling again. "It doesn't sing anything that I know, but the beat is pretty catchy."
Kanako turned her mush to face Moe, a task that was hard both because she was a puddle of goo and because she couldn't take her eyes off of Keitaro's –
"Hey, I just remembered, I have a date with Motoko today!" Kanako sprung back into solid existence again, charging towards her naked brother.
"But big brother! I thought you evicted her for being a crazy she-bitch!" Kanako cried out. Keitaro chuckled.
"Well, the hospital thought it was necessary for a friendly face to visit with Motoko occasionally, since her older sister was locked away in jail and her entire clan spontaneously committed Seppuku for their disgraces." Keitaro sighed, his old humanity restarted for a few seconds. Then it died again. "Besides, she still owes me an apology."
Kanako didn't want to remind her older brother that he was the reason Motoko was in such agony. So she watched Keitaro walk out the front door of the inn (completely naked) from his bedroom window, even though she knew (or so she thought) that he was marching into his own certain doom. Having nothing better to do, she sat down in front of the fireplace, watching the Moe-log flicker. Moe, having nothing better to do herself, sat there and watched Kanako back.
Finally, Moe spoke. "You know, if you don't let me out, you are so going to hell, right?" Kanako blinked. "And Keitaro is going with you, if I have anything to say to it."
Kanako grinned wickedly. "I already was going to hell. Thanks for reassuring me about Keitaro's fate, though!" Kanako looked around, and finally decided to add some of Keitaro's soiled underwear to the pile. Moe protested as she threw it on top of her, but gave up the fight as a lost cause. Meanwhile, Kanako took a huge whiff of the smoke and smiled a most goofy smile.
"Holy shit, Kanako, why didn't you tell me I was naked!" Keitaro yelled as he ran into the room, startling Kanako out of her delightful incense (ha) induced coma. He looked around, grabbing a pair of pants and a shirt from the closet, before turning back to Kanako. "Odd, have you seen my underwear anywhere?" When she shook her head, he shrugged and dove into his clothing.
"Oh well, gotta be off, or I'll miss the bus to Tokyo, and then miss the bus back here, and I can't afford that because I just have to be fashionably late!" Keitaro exclaimed, opting to jump out of the window this time. Which sucked, since it was still shut. But oh well, he is Keitaro.
Meanwhile, in her padded room, Motoko sharpened her made-of-sheets sword, eager for the showdown with Keitaro. Suddenly, the door opened, and ever ready, she lashed out, already envisioning Keitaro's head falling off before she completely diced it into a million pieces.
I know what you are thinking… the story is no longer a Dark Kei fic, but a Bash Fest. For those who don't know why, it is because I didn't bash Kanako at all in this fic. (But she did turn into a puddle of mush, which can't be comfortable.) Therefore, this is no longer a Dark Kei fic, but a Dark Kei Bash Fest Versus All The Girls Except Kanako. And I love my little Kana-chan! 3
Read, review, call me a sick bastard who should be locked away for good. Oh, and sorry that there wasn't swords clashing, hearts breaking, and dreams being walked over like I promised in that one review response. But that gives me something to write for the next chapter.