For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1

Chapter 8: Of Truths, Lies, and the Gray Spaces in Between
(Jack's POV)

Okay, at least now I know what my real problem is... and I know that my problem is not necessarily the same as Carter's problem. Of course that doesn't bring me any closer to a solution, not really, it just tells me that I need a different approach... and that is probably a good thing considering how defensive Carter is acting. Getting angry or frustrated here will get me exactly nowhere and I know it. Besides, the bottom line is that the one I'm really mad at is Turghan and that is something I really can't blame on Carter.

"It's not like that," she says.

"It's not?" I ask, not quite believing my ears.

"No, sir."

"Then how is it?"

"It's not that I've been pretending nothing ever happened, it's just that I never told you about it. Those are two separate concepts that are totally unrelated to one another. I agree that perhaps the way in which I have approached this whole situation has not been the most effective one but..."

"Effective? This is not a damned physics problem, Carter. Denial isn't just pretending nothing happened --I know you are too smart to do something so damned stupid-- it is also pretending that there are no consequences, that it doesn't matter, and that's what you are doing here!" I all but yell at her... so much for not getting mad.

"Sir?"

"You can't just explain this away. There's a difference between knowing and understanding. You know what happened to you, you know what that bastard did, but I'm not so sure you understand it."

"With all due respect, sir, that's not true. I've been trying to understand ever since we came back from Simarka, I've been trying to make some sort of sense out of..."

"Okay, my mistake. Maybe it's not the understanding part that's giving you a hard time but rather the coming to terms part. From what you are telling me, all your efforts have been geared specifically toward not dealing with the emotional fallout. You understand so that you don't have to feel, you understand to be able to explain things away and that's not how it works. I read the guidelines, Carter, and you want to know what I didn't find there? You."

"Sir?"

"There were a lot of facts but that was it."

"Because those guidelines aren't about me," she reminds me. "Those guidelines are about the facts! They are intended to provide others with the information they might need to avoid a situation like the one we encountered in Simarka, to keep them from having to go through what I went through!"

"Yes, well, maybe a little common sense would go a long way in that regard," I grumble.

"Common sense, sir?"

"Yes, the kind that dictates that avoiding a threat you don't really have to confront is a good idea, that kind of common sense. If we had come back as soon as we became aware of what the Shavadai's attitudes toward women were, none of this would have happened. There was no reason for us to stay there after that and I knew it!"

"Wait, are you saying that you think this is your fault somehow?" she asks, sounding more than a little disbelieving.

"Well, I happened to be the one in charge, remember?" I growl and I'm taken more than a little aback when Carter just bursts out laughing.

"What?" I ask, kind of wishing someone would let me in on the joke here.

"Sorry, sir," she says, even as she tries to get herself back under control.

"I didn't ask you to apologize, I asked you what's so damned funny."

"Nothing, sir."

"Carter..."

"It's just that you think it was your fault because you were the one in charge, Daniel thinks it was his fault because he is supposed to be the first contact specialist and he's the one who let his curiosity get the best of him and I spent months blaming myself because the bottom line was that if I had just sat back and waited for you to come get me instead of challenging Turghan every chance I got none of this would have happened."

"Wait, you thought this was your fault?" I ask, not quite believing my ears.

"Well, not exactly my fault but I'm not going to even try to deny the fact that I could definitely have handled things a lot better," she explains... or tries to.

"I can't believe this, you are blaming yourself!"

"No, I'm not. You want to know who I blame? Turghan. As far as I'm concerned he's the one responsible, not you, not me and not Daniel. Sure, we could all have handled things differently, better, but at the time we did the best we could... and in a way we got really lucky."

"You call this 'lucky'?"

"Yes, sir, we got a warning. What happened was bad but it could have been a lot worse. We know that now and we know what to look out for in the future. I don't know about you but as far as I'm concerned enduring A to avoid having to go through B is something that qualifies as being lucky."

"Never took you for a silver lining kind of person, Carter," I say, not really wanting to contradict her but not quite buying her act either, because deep down I know that's just what this is: an act.

"I'm not, not really, but as I told Janet almost from the start, as far as I'm concerned Simarka was a lesson in perspective. I know that may be hard for you to understand, sir, but..."

"Oh, I understand, I'm just not buying it."

"Sir?"

"Yes, it could have been worse, a lot worse, but that doesn't make what happened any more acceptable, Carter. You should know that!"

"I don't know what you want me to tell you."

"Nothing. I don't want you to tell me anything, that's exactly the point. I just want you to tell you the truth," I all but growl at her, on the verge of losing my patience, again.

"I'm not lying to myself."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"I'm not buying it."

"Well, sir, with all due respect, I don't know what I can do about that."

"Oh, I believe you think you are being honest with yourself but..."

"But what? But the fact that I'm not kicking and screaming, the fact that I've managed to keep on doing my job for eight months with no problems whatsoever must mean that there's something wrong?" asks Carter, looking increasingly frustrated, not that I blame her. I mean, when she phrases it like that it does sound kind of dumb... the problem is that the fact that it sounds dumb doesn't necessarily mean I'm mistaken about this and as far as I'm concerned she is a little too defensive for me to be completely wrong about that.

"Actually I'm more worried by the fact that you haven't done any kicking and screaming," I say, not willing to fall for her trap. I know those are probably the wrong words to say but I'm not Daniel and I don't do subtle. Besides, even though I'm no astrophysicist, I do know that things have a tendency to blow up when the pressure keeps building and doesn't have an escape valve.

Author's notes: Hi guys, I hope you are still reading this. I just wanted to let you know, in case you are interested, that I'm also posting another fic called 'Shards' in the Battlestar Galactica (2003) category. It is my first attempt in that particular fandom and the story id is: 2811630. I hope you'll like it if you decide to give it a try (as always reviews are deeply appreciated),

Alec