For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1

Chapter 9: Back Where We Started
(Sam's POV)

Okay, I have to admit that I am this close to obliging here. I mean, if the colonel wants to see me kicking and screaming I'll give him kicking and screaming. It's been two weeks since Daniel cornered me, two weeks since they all found out what happened on Simarka and the fact is that I still haven't been able to get them to understand that I'm fine.

Sure, Daniel has come a long way and I think Janet is beginning to realize that I'm not going to fall apart but the colonel and the general are both still walking on eggshells around me and that is really starting to get on my nerves... okay, maybe starting is not the right word here. The problem is that I don't know what to do to get my point across. I mean, if I snap at them they are bound to see that as evidence that I'm not dealing well with what Turghan did to me and if I don't snap at them then they assume I am in denial and refusing to deal with what happened on Simarka. In other words, no matter what I do I just can't win here. The possibility that I may actually be fine and that they are the ones with a problem has apparently never crossed either of their minds... especially the colonel's. Deciding that there's no point in beating around the bush I come out and say:

"So you are worried because I'm not reacting like you think I should?" I ask, trying to keep things polite.

"More like not reacting at all," he grumbles and I have to fight to keep myself from rolling my eyes at him.

"Well, sir, with all due respect, I don't know what to say... especially because if I were to kick and scream --as you apparently think I should-- you would almost certainly see that as proof that I'm unable to handle the situation and that is just not the case."

"Look, Carter, I know I can't really understand what you've been going through these past few months but..."

"But if you admit that you can't understand it, then how can you be so sure you know how I should be reacting?" I ask, hoping to turn the colonel's words against him.

"I don't know... I'm just assuming you should be reacting somehow!" he exclaims.

"No, you are assuming I should be reacting by kicking and screaming," I point out.

"Maybe, but come on, Carter, what else am I supposed to think here?"

"I understand what you are saying, sir, I really do. It's just that I'm more than a little tired of having to prove I'm not going to have a breakdown... especially because proving a negative is absolutely impossible."

"Yes, well, I'd have an easier time believing you if you were to stop trying to explain everything away in scientific terms."

"Sir?"

"What you said about 'proving a negative'... I just wish you would take the scientific mumbo-jumbo out of your explanations."

"Sorry, sir."

"I don't want you to keep apologizing, Carter!"

"It's just that I'm not doing it on purpose, sir... in fact, for the most part, I don't even realize I'm doing it at all. That's the point. I am a scientist, I can't change that, and I can no more forget about the 'scientific mumbo-jumbo' --as you so eloquently put it-- than you can forget about your military training."

"It's not the same," he argues.

"Why not?" I ask.

"Because..." he trails off.

"Because...?" I push, hoping to get him to understand. I know he is my CO and that means I have to tread carefully here, but at the same time I also have to get my point across one way or the other. We just can't keep having this same argument time and time again.

"Well, that's different!"

"How?"

"Because you are military too."

"So you turn off your military mindset when you are dealing with Daniel?" I ask, already knowing the answer to that question.

"No," admits the colonel, almost pouting.

"And are you more comfortable when he takes a scientific, rational approach to issues because you know he's not military?"

"Well, no, but..."

"The point is, sir, that even though --as you said-- I am military, I am also a scientist. I know you think that's almost a dirty word but the bottom line is that it is how I see the world. It is not something I can't turn off at will any more than you can stop analyzing the world from a military perspective. I understand that's the reason why, even when we go out on team night, the first thing you do whenever you enter a restaurant is locate all possible exits and assess all possible threats. I know you don't do it so much because you are worried we are going to be attacked but rather because it is something that is deeply ingrained. My analyzing things from a scientific perspective is the same. It is not something I can turn on and off, nor is it something I use to avoid dealing with things, though I can understand why it would seem that way to you. For me it's just the way I think and it is perfectly natural... even if you do find it odd at times."

"So now you are rationalizing your rationalizations?" he asks and it takes all of my self control to keep myself from slamming my head against the wall in despair here.

"No, sir. It's not a rationalization, it is a fact. There's a difference. It's part of me and I can't stop being me. My 'rationalizations' don't keep me from dealing with the world, they just help me make sense of what's going on around me and without them I wouldn't be 'dealing better with things', I'd merely be denying myself the tools I need to face those same things. If you'd been in my place, how would you have handled the situation?"

"I don't know, I already told you that!"

"Well, could you at least tell me what I'd have to do to get you to believe me when I say I'm fine?" I ask, trying hard to keep a lid on my temper, knowing that losing it now would be the worst thing I could do.

"I don't know, maybe it would be easier if I weren't feeling like you are still keeping secrets, like I have to be on my guard because I don't know what else I don't know. You want me to trust you but you've made it pretty clear that you don't trust me."

"Why? Because I didn't come clean when we first came back from Simarka or because when we talked two weeks ago I didn't fill you in on every little detail?"

"I don't want you to fill me in on every little detail, Carter, but the bottom line is that the parts you so conveniently forgot to mention can't be dismissed as mere 'details'," he reminds me.

"Maybe, but the fact is that I can't change the past. If what you need in order to trust me is for me to have told you about any of this sooner than I did then there's nothing I can do about it because what you are asking for is impossible."

"Fine, but I need to know that there are no more secrets. if you are still hiding something this is your chance to come clean, Carter. Is there something else?"

"No, sir. You know about everything that happened on Simarka," I say, hoping it will be enough. The facts are what he has a right to know, and that is all I'm willing to share here. I just hope he'll understand that even in the Air Force there are certain things that are personal.

He looks at me and I realize that he is aware of the loophole I've left myself, I swallow hard, wondering if he is about to call me on it but after hesitating for a moment he says, "fair enough, as long as you don't shut us out. We are your team and if you need help you come to us, is that clear?"

"Yes, sir," I say, relieved by the fact that this conversation is behind me... that just leaves telling Teal'c and that is something I still don't have a clue as to how on earth am I supposed to tackle.

Author's notes: Hi guys, first of all, sorry about the delay, what happened was that I was a little reluctant to post a final chapter on a major holiday so I decided to postpone it a few days. As for the next story, I'll probably start posting it on April 28 (rather than on the 21) so that I can have a bit of a head start. Thanks for reading and as usual reviews are deeply appreciated!

Alec