Long time no update, been busting my buns at work, which is never as fun as they claim it is. Who claims it is? Parents, before you turn 16. DAMN THEM. As for me, I've had two years to cope with the lie, but bah.

Mitschu turned to his trusty adviser, Kanako. "I've been having a bit of trouble with my reviewers, seems that one of them threatened to leave this story if I didn't have Keitaro and Shinobu get together and have sex. Now, I like Shinobu" – Kanako began to pout – "almost as much as I like you, Kanako" – the pout disappeared – "but I'm no pedophile, and neither is my conflagrated Keitaro."

Kanako sighed. "Well, doing a short self insertion won't fix it, will it? But anyway, why are you breaking all the laws of actuality to discuss this with me?"

Mitschu cleared his throat. "Well, to be blatant, you are the only girl sufficiently evil enough to spark the insane portion of my psyche and discover the indefinable recipe that'll make the 'translocation personal' of Keitaro, pushing him into Shinobu's arms."

Kanako sniffed.

"Er, right, sorry, repeat. You are evil. Keitaro is supposed to be evil. I want to write evil. Therefore, I ask you how to make Keitaro and Shinobu have mad passionate sex."

"Why don't you just shove me into his arms? Wouldn't that be an evil thing to do to your reviewers?"

Mitschu coughed. "Er, I was thinking more along the lines of 'you are mine'… and I ain't good enough to sacrifice my evil for the greater good of this evil story."

Kanako blinked.

Mitschu grumbled. "I really need to hang around people who can follow confusing semi-paragraphs. I ain't giving you to Keitaro because I'm monogamous and want to draw you naked without feeling guilty. Not even for the sake of this story."

Kanako sighed. "Well, there is only one way to settle this, then. We present a fallacious environment to the reviewer, involving the potential for sex, and ultimately end up with a huge mess of confusion, leading to dissatisfied variables that haven't a reason to be dissatisfied."

Mitschu gave Kanako a blank stare.

"I hang around you too much." Kanako said with a smug smirk. She leaned forward and began whispering in Mitschu's ear, ignoring the affect that was having on him. Slowly, eroticism changed to disbelieve, then annoyance, and finally, a matching grin appeared on his face.

"Okay, I think this is another reason why I love you, Kanako." The mustachioed one said. Kanako sighed. "We'll do it!"

Meanwhile, outside of the Hinata-Sou.

"Man, fighting, seducing, killing, torturing, and catching an illicit up-skirt flick on the way home… resisting the temptation to do evil is so challenging. Wonder if Shinobu has prepared my food yet. Silly me, of course she has. And if she hasn't, I'll just have her!" Keitaro laughed evilly, unawares of what awaited him inside the Hinata.

"SEEEEEMPAI!" The loud scream assaulted his ears as he reached the door, causing him to pause momentarily. Then he walked over to the television and flipped on the news. If he was lucky, and if Kaolla's invention had worked, there should be some very interesting footage… shot by one 'Urakei Shimataro', involving an X-ray camera and –

"SEEEEMPAI!" The yell flooded his head and line of thought, aggravating him again. Grabbing a nearby pillow, he plugged his ears as best as he could, before turning back to the images patrolling across the screen. 'Bunny rabbits.' Keitaro thought in an amused fashion as the young mother, unaware of the X-ray camera behind her, bent over. Then, as if a sixth sense – pervertdar? – had warned her, she straightened up and pulled her skirt tauntly, which actually allowed him to better see her –

"SEEEEMPAI!"

"DAMN IT, SHINOBU!" Keitaro yelled, dropping the pillow and marching up the stairs to her room. What he saw – Shinobu, completely naked, with two men standing over her – caused him no pause. Instead, he turned to address the two men as if he had been expecting them.

"Okay, listen, fuckbags, you are interrupting my watching the news, which, might I add, is very interesting today." The first fuckbag raised a gun from the shadow of his left leg, causing Keitaro to pause.

"Oh, is this about to become a rape scene? Shoot, screw the news." Keitaro turned around to grab his bathrobe from the other side of the room, in the clean laundry pile. Sensing an opening and expecting a weapon, the armed man shot, releasing a three-bullet retort into the room and sending Keitaro sprawling into the laundry basket.

Keitaro, being a man made of hard stuff, who had survived being chopped in half, decapitated, and more, merely stood up, glancing into the soiled basket as he did.

"Damn it. Shinobu, you aren't getting overtime for this, you know. And use a lot of bleach, because whatever doesn't come clean is coming out of your check." Keitaro turned to the men, real irritation in his eyes now. "I'll have you know my favorite shirt was in that basket. Even if the blood comes out, the stench is going to stay in it for a long time."

Logic. Such an in demand thing. For example, apologizing repeatedly to the man you just tried killing for soiling his laundry. Logical. Attempting to kill him again. Illogical.

Keitaro stood up after the second barrage slammed into him. Glancing down, he nearly passed out from the amount of blood in the hamper. 'I mean, God, my Liddo-kun shirt is probably never going to go back to a respectable shade of yellow again!'

Turning to the man with the gun, Keitaro released a feral growl and launched himself towards the guy. Not bothering anymore with the gun, the man did something logical. He dove out the window of the third story room, falling to his death. Which was surely less painful than what Keitaro would have done to him. Bravo for the show of intelligence.

However, with all his pent up aggression, Keitaro only had one other target to turn to, the other man in the room.

"Hey, man, please don't hurt me, that guy is an idiot, thank God he is dead, hey, wanna join our gang, er, I mean, a gang entirely devoted to you, are you Satan, by the way, cause I've never seen someone take as much punishment, and –" the next words were moot, as Keitaro grabbed the futon Shinobu was lying on and swung it around, decapitating the man.

"Damn it, that was no fun." Keitaro groaned, looking down at the bloody headless man. Finally realizing that Shinobu was still lying on the futon he was hefting up, he dropped the futon. Artlessly. On top of the dead guy. With a loud squish sound effect. If Shinobu hadn't snapped yet, that was the brick that was guaranteed to do it.

Oddly enough, Shinobu didn't snap. She just turned to Keitaro, grinning. "Thanks for saving my ass finally from those guys, Keitar – er, sempai. Nice gory scene you constructed here, if I may say so myself. Now, you going to fuck me, or do I have to get out the chains and whips?"

Keitaro blinked at the nubile young girl in front of him. Then smiled.

"Oh, I get it. Either you just went crazy and are now operating on your Id alone, or you are actually Kanako in a disguise. In which case, Shinobu is probably knocked out in the closet." Keitaro turned to the closet, opening it.

Sure enough, Shinobu fell out, landing in the soiled laundry basket, as opposed to the REALLY SOILED laundry basket. Keitaro watched as the semi-awake Shinobu slowly swam her way out of the other residents' dirty underwear, finally deciding that this went into his 'fulfilled fantasy' mental catalogue.

MODEL: Shinobu. STATUS: Head Injury. LOCATION: Unknown.

Shinobu slowly pulled her head out of the basket, looking around and trying to take in the situation. Blood filled laundry hamper next to her. Check. Keitaro, bleeding profusely across her entire bedroom. Check. Broken window. Check. Shinobu lying in a seductive position on Shinobu's futon, grinning lasciviously at Shinobu. Check.

LOCATION: Hinata-Sou.

Shinobu quickly put together the scene in front of her. Keitaro had entered her bedroom, only to be accosted by Naru and kicked through the window, only to fly so far he had actually entered a time warp, landing in a laundry basket and skidding across the room, bumping past-Shinobu and knocking her into a closet where she remained unconscious until time caught up. Made sense.

Shinobu walked over to future-Shinobu, grinning shyly. "So, whats the future like?"

Kanako looked blankly at Shinobu, before releasing a small confused noise.

"Oh, you are from the future, and aren't allowed to tell past-me what happens in the future. Come on, you know I won't tell anyone, give me a hint!"

Kanako grinned. "Well, ah… let me think… we, er, I, have mad passionate sex with Keitaro, and ultimately we… er… I have his children. Right this very second, Shino – me, we / I get to make the future!"

Shinobu looked around with a look of perfect understanding, before passing out. It took all of Kanako's smelling salts to wake her up.

"Right now?" Shinobu asked weakly.

"Yep, you and me are going to do a really short dance, and then one of us is to lie down on the left while the other one lies down on the right, and then Keitaro picks the one he wants to have his children. Yayness!"

The girls then proceeded to 'dance', aka run in circles until even the author didn't know who was who. Then, the leftmost Shinobu lied down on the left, while the rightmost Shinobu lied down on the right.

"Now you pick, Keitaro!" both girls said, turning to Keitaro, who had already made up his mind. Turning to the girl on the right, he did things that can be referenced to in pages 1 – 500 in the Kamasutra. In order. With no breaks. Yowza.

The girl on the other side looked on sadly, annoyed at not being picked. Then she shrugged and sat down to enjoy the show, releasing the occasional ooh and ah. And at one point, embarrassing everyone there, she jumped up and crowed her recognition of one of the positions.

"That's the position doggies do it in!" She promptly sat down and covered her blush as best as she could, using a strange makeup kit lying to her left.

AFTERWARDS, in the author's house.

Mitschu turned to Kanako, an annoyed frown on his face. "So, did you do it with him, or did Shinobu?"

Kanako giggled. "I'm not telling."

Mitschu grinned. "Then I guess you'll just have to come with me while I find out!" The next fifteen minutes were spent in Mitschu's bedroom as he did just that, before a low cry came from the room.

"Holy shit, you are kidding me, right? I didn't authorize THAT!"