Summary: Upon Luke's late return from his trip with April, Lorelai begins to question why things are the way they are. I know it's a really bad summary but just read it and you'll get it. No spoilers. One-shot I think.
Disclamer: Don't own 'em.
Notes: So personally I think that the Lorelai I've been watching on the screen since she found out about April is far different from S1 Lorelai or even S4 Lorelai. And it made me wonder why. In fact I think she's been a completely different girlfriend to Luke than to any other person she's dated in the past. I think that ever since they got back together in the middle of S5 that Lorelai's been afraid of losing him again. Confusing yes, but read the story and you'll understand.
The Real Lorelai Gilmore
5:00. That's what the itinerary said. It said that the bus would arrive at Martin Van Buren Middle School in Woodbridge at 5:00
So at 4:00, Lorelai left the Dragonfly as she had planned since the moment he handed her the itinerary. She went home and showered. She dressed in her newest 'come and get it dress' that Rory insisted wasn't too slutty for a woman her age. She did her hair in long curls the way he liked it so that when they were kissing he could thread his fingers through her hair. She put on her makeup and took one last look in the mirror. She was ready.
Picking up the clock, she saw that it was exactly 5:00. Smiling to herself, Lorelai realized that for the first time she was ready exactly on time. She took a deep breath and went downstairs to be ready to greet her fiancé the moment he returned.
After standing by the window for about 5 minutes, Lorelai became restless. Knowing it would take him a few minutes to drive to her house from the middle school, she relaxed. She went into the kitchen and made a whole pot of coffee, being careful not to mess up her look.
When the coffee was ready, Lorelai picked up the whole pot and a mug and brought it with her into the living room. She set it on the coffee table and settled herself on the couch. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to keep calm, glancing at the clock. 5:15. Needing something to counteract the silence, Lorelai picked up the remote and turned on the TV. She poured herself a cup of coffee and took the first sip.
8:00. That's what the clock said. It said that it was now 3 hours since he had arrived at Martin Van Buren Middle School. It said he was late.
However Lorelai was still on the couch. She was still in the same position she was in at 5:15. Except that everything was different. The coffee pot was now empty. The TV station she was watching and gone from showing some old episode of a TV show she had once liked to showing a baseball game she, of all people, could care less about. Her dress no longer looked fresh and new but worn and rumpled. Her tight black curls had fallen. The pink lipstick she had picked out had disappeared onto the rim of her coffee cup and the mascara she had carefully applied had now formed lines down her face. Her eyes were red and puffy although she didn't recall crying and her hands were shaking.
8:00. He had called when they left Philadelphia in the morning. He said they were on their way and right on schedule. So what had happened? Did he forget that she was waiting for him? Had they gone off schedule? Did he not care to come over?
As Lorelai pondered these questions in her mind, one more formed. When had she become this person? When did she become the woman whose entire life centered around her guy? When did she lose her independence? When did she stop being Lorelai Gilmore?
She thought back to the time that Rory had been dating Jess and she had yelled at Rory for staying at home and waiting for him. And yet, that's exactly what she was doing. Hypocrite. She had told Rory to go out and do something. She had told Rory not to be that girl. And Lorelai had never in the past been that girl. So what had changed?
Lorelai remembered the last time she had specifically gone out to buy a 'come and get me dress'. She didn't know why she needed the dress. She knew he wanted to come and get it, he had shown her the night they got back together. But she needed the dress. She needed to prove to him what a great girlfriend she could be. And she was still trying to prove it. This time the proof came in stepping back, giving him his space. This time she had let herself become the woman who was always there when he wanted her to be and never there when he didn't want her to be. She had let herself become the woman whose every move depended on what he was doing. And deep down she still felt like she hadn't proved to him that she loved him like she should.
8:30. That's what the VCR said. It said that it was unlikely he was coming straight over after his arrival at the middle school.
Finally Lorelai heard the door open and close. But she couldn't move. She had now sunk so far into the couch cushions that it would take actual energy to get up. And she didn't have it anymore. The optimistic, energetic woman she had been when she walked downstairs had disappeared and with that her energy.
Luke walked into the room and saw her on the couch. He waited for a moment but she didn't move. He walked over and stood in front of her as she stared straight ahead, as if frozen in that position. The only sign of life from Lorelai was the blinking of her eyes. And he saw everything. He saw her red distant eyes. He saw the tears and mascara lines on her face. He saw her droopy curls and the wrinkles on her dress. And it scared him.
Luke sat down next to her on the couch, rubbing her arm. "Lorelai," he called softly. She turned only her head to face him, looking at him but not really seeing him. "Lorelai, what's wrong?" The fact that he didn't know, forced her to tear up again, made her chin tremble and she gasped for breath.
"It's eight thirty," she whispered. Luke glanced over at the VCR, reading the time.
"Yeah, Lorelai, it is," Luke agreed, still stroking her arm. Lorelai gasped another breath as another tear slowly made its way down her cheek.
"It said." Lorelai paused, struggling for breath for a moment. "It said arrival was at five o'clock." She closed her mouth, chin trembling.
"Yeah. We got back at 5. And then I drove April home and when I got there, Anna invited me over for dinner and April really wanted me to stay so I did. I didn't realize we had plans Lorelai," Luke explained. Lorelai sniffed, staring at him, amazed that he would think such a thing was okay.
"You've been gone for 10 days. 10 days in which you spent hours and hours with April. 10 days in which I waited for you and missed you. 10 days in which you called me 10 times to tell me you missed me." She closes her eyes, trying to stop crying. "I thought you missed me at least," she whispers.
Lorelai opened her eyes giving him one last teary look before standing and walking up the stairs. Luke watched her go, sighing. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to figure out what to do next. Why did he stay at Anna's? April had called him dad. She had said he was overprotective. She had begged him to stay for dinner. He had just wanted one last moment with her, just to savor the trip, just to be a father for one more minute.
But Lorelai was right. He had missed her. He had wanted to get home to her. He had told her that. But her response had him befuddled.
9:00. That's what the furry clock on her night stand said. It said that time had passed and he still hadn't come upstairs. It said that she might have lost everything.
At that moment, Lorelai heard footsteps on the stairs. She heard the bedroom door open and she heard Luke's deep breathing as he stood in the doorway watching her, wondering if she was asleep. And as angry as she was with him, as frustrated as she was with the whole mess, all she wanted was for him to go to her, gather her up in his arms and tell her that everything would be okay.
That's when she knew the answer to all of her questions. She knew why it was different this time. When Lorelai had been angry in the past with the man she was with, she left him like Jason or screamed at him like Christopher. But this time was different. Those times Lorelai couldn't have cared less if she lost them, she didn't mind that it might be the end to their relationship. But this time she was scared. She was so afraid that if she acted out or screwed with anything at all, she might lose him forever. And that she couldn't handle.
Lorelai knew the reason, it was because this time she loved him. This time losing him was too great of a risk to take. She might lose him forever and that she couldn't handle. He was the one who made her feel safe when she was scared. He was the one who comforted her when she was sad. He was the one who lifted her spirits when she was down. He was the only one who could. And it took little effort. Just a touch, a whisper, a look, that was all it took.
She was so scared of losing him that she gave in and she wondered for a moment if she had become someone else just to keep him, just to prove to him that she was the perfect girlfriend, just to show him that she was the only one for him.
Luke walked into the room and slowly lowered himself onto his side of the bed. Rolling over to middle of the bed, laying on his right side, Luke leaned over her shoulder. He kissed her cheek and wrapped his left arm around her waist, pulling her towards him. Lorelai sniffed, shuddering as she slowly drew in a breath. "Lorelai, I did miss you. I love you," Luke whispered in her ear. Lorelai closed her eyes as a single tear drifted down her cheek. "But this isn't you." He pulled her hair away from her face, kissing her cheek again. "You've closed off to me. This isn't you."
"I thought…" Lorelai swallowed a lump in her throat. "I was scared," she finished.
"Of what Lorelai?" She sniffed, choking back a sob. "Tell me." Lorelai closed her eyes, searching for a simple way to tell him what she was scared of.
"I thought you would leave me," she admitted softly. Luke's expression went soft as he gently stroked her hair.
"Why on earth would you ever think that?" Luke wondered.
"Because I'm not who you think I am. I don't agree with you anymore. I don't want to give you your space to be with April anymore. I want to meet her. I want to get to know her." Lorelai swallowed, choking back another sob. "I don't want to just say yes to everything you want." Luke's lips curved into a smile.
"Then you should meet her," Luke responded. Lorelai rolled over on her back looking up at him. "And I don't think we should agree on everything, we never have before." Lorelai blinked trying to clear the fog in her head. "And I want you to just be you, the woman I fell in love with ten years ago."
"You want me to meet her?" Lorelai asked softly, confused. Luke nodded. "But I thought you wanted your space." Luke shrugged.
"April and I really bonded this week, I think we've really got something now. And I think she'd like to meet you, I mean she met Rory," Luke told her.
"Okay," Lorelai whispered, although both knew that everything was not okay.
"Besides, I don't want my space if it upsets you. Lorelai, it kills me that I came home to find you like this. I hate that you're upset. Please Lorelai, tell me next time. Tell me before it gets this far. If you're upset by something, tell me," Luke pleaded.
"I can't," Lorelai whispered. "That's not what a good girlfriend does. A good girlfriend never gets upset." Luke chuckled.
"Lorelai, that's crazy." She sniffed, quickly wiping a tear away.
"A good girlfriend listens to her boyfriend. She gives him his space when he asks without asking why."
"But that's not you," Luke insisted, causing Lorelai to cover her face with her hands.
"I know! But I don't know any other way to show you what a great girlfriend I can be." Luke looked at her like she was crazy. "I have to prove to you that I'm not screwing around here. I have to show you that I love you, that I really do want to marry you."
"By not being you?" Lorelai pressed lips together and shrugged, giving him a pitiful look. "Lorelai, I don't want to be with the perfect girlfriend, I want to be with you. I love you for you and I always have."
"So then if I disagree with something…"
"Then just tell me."
"And if I'm upset about something…"
"Tell me."
"And if…" Luke covered her mouth with his hand.
"Lorelai," he whispered as a soft smile spread across her face. "I want this to work, I want to be with you. I want to marry you. I want you to be yourself, the person I've always known as Lorelai."
"You mean the real Lorelai Gilmore," she responded with a wink.
"Well that's one way to put it."
"You want me to tell you everything?" she asked. Luke nodded. "No more pretending?" He nodded again. Lorelai took a deep breath, pressing her lips together. "Then I have a lot to say."
"Okay, then I'm ready to listen." Luke leaned in and kissed Lorelai softly and gently before pulling back to give her the chance to talk, to tell him everything she had been thinking since the moment she found out about April, so that they could discuss and compromise and move on as a couple. So that Lorelai could realize that she had nothing to prove, that all he ever wanted was for her to be the woman he had always loved who loved him unwaveringly.