Chapter Sixty-Five: The Outsider

Ryan sighed softly as Jake's fingers slowly combed through her hair. Her head was in his lap, and they were watching TV, being pathetically hermitlike for the evening.

She tried even harder to concentrate on the television. He made it so difficult. Jake had done nothing to her life but ruin it since he'd entered her world so long ago. Before him, she'd had no one. Now he was her everything.

And she was his. It could not be denied that Jake needed Ryan as much as Ryan needed Jake, in a completely different fashion.

"Do you want to do this again tomorrow, or..?" asked Jake. She guiltily swallowed the lump in her throat.

"No. I kind of have a date," she admitted.

"Nice. Bring him by and I'll get him all scared for you," said Jake. She attempted a half smile, knowing he couldn't even see her face.

"Thanks, I guess," she said uncertainly. She sometimes wondered how he didn't know. How she could have lived with him for over a year without him realizing she was desperately, tragically and irrevocably in love with him.

Ryan was still in her pajamas when Jake wandered into the kitchen the next morning. He smiled at the sight he'd seen so many times before: Ryan, in her camisole and boxers, flipping pancakes in a frying pan.

"You want in?" she asked, without turning around.

"We got the real syrup?" he asked.

"Yeah, I bought some the other day. It's your turn to shop now," she said sternly.

"Fine, I'll go tonight. We have class?" he asked.

"English lit, Professor Braddock at nine. You should get dressed," she said. She took a shakey breath and slid her eyes closed as he came up behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist and firmly kissed the top of her head.

"What would I do without my Ryan?" he asked.

"Just hope you'll never have to find out," she said jokingly, as he left. Jokingly. As if she'd ever joke about a thing like that. As if any touch she'd ever given or received with him had ever been a joke.

Jake and Ryan took seats midway up the hall for their lecture. Closer to the front, Ryan could see Peyton's curly blonde head.

She sighed as Christian walked in to the class and immediately sought her out. They were having an affair, Ryan knew. She'd known for months. Part of her was aching with desire to tell him, the other part aching with the pain he'd feel if he were ever to find out.

Sometimes Ryan cursed herself for being a good person. None of the rest of them were. Jake, Peyton, Haley, Nathan, Brooke and Lucas all had definite not so good aspects. All of them had undertones of manipulation, even cruelty. Ryan was the only good apple in the bunch. Innocent, reliable Ryan, relied upon to be perfect.

Ryan rested her head on Jake's shoulder and instantly felt his arm encircle her shoulders. He tortured her, unknowingly, and she craved it.

"I like him. He's good," said Jake decidedly, as class finished. Ryan glanced backwards to see Peyton converse with their professor in low tones.

"Jake-," she said, sudden, having suddenly decided.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Nothing. I like him too," she said.

"Crazy girl," he said fondly. "Come on, we have to go back. We have to visit Nathan and Haley."

Ryan groaned. Recently, visiting the feuding couple had become less than a pleasure.

"Do you think they'll get better when they have the kid?" she asked hopefully.

"I think they'll get better when she admits to loving him," he said.

"Do you really think she does?"

"Of course. I've never doubted it," he said, taking her hand to lead her back to the apartment. She stiffened slightly, but let him keep it. Of course.

"What about this one?" asked Ryan nervously, appearing in the Haley for the third time. When he circled in he air with his pointer finger, she obediently twirled around for him.

"You look beautiful, babe," he said honestly. "But take your hair down. It's particularly shiny today."

Ryan playfully stuck her tongue out at him. She was wearing a black skirt that went just past her knees and a sheer pink blouse that partially showed the camisole underneath.

"He's not going to know what hit him," said Jake.

"He will if it's your fist," said Ryan, rummaging in the closet for a pair of shoes.

"If he's a perfect gentlemen, he won't have to," said Jake.

Both turned to the door as it rang.

"Well," said Ryan, moving toward it. "Here goes nothing."

"How was it?" asked Jake once she'd returned later that evening.

"Fine. Nice. We saw a movie. Go to bed, you look exhausted," she said. He nodded and shuffled off. As he closed his door, Ryan went back out and down the stairs.

Lingering by the front door of the building, Ryan wondered why she still bothered. Why she still lived with someone who brought her so much pain.

She gasped as she saw a familiar figure approach. Peyton looked just as surprised to see her as Ryan was to see Peyton.

"Jake's inside," she said stiffly.

"That's okay. I wanted to talk to you, anyway," said Peyton. It occurred to her that they were equally jealous of each other, and for all the wrong reasons.

"What?" she asked coolly. Peyton stared at her for a second.

"You know. Why won't you tell him? End my fucking torment?" demanded Peyton.

"It's not my torment to end. And I'm not about to cause Jake to hurt," she said.

"Of course not. Precious Jake…"

"For God's sake, why do you think you deserve it? Why do you still think I'm going to go in and end your troubles for you? They're your problems. Not his, and certainly not mine," said Ryan.

"You know, I thought you were the good one. I thought you'd help me. I guess I was wrong," she said.

"I am the good one. Any of the rest of them would have told him by now to reap the reward for themselves. But it wouldn't be enough to make him stop loving you," said Ryan.

"Yeah, but it might be enough to make him start loving you," taunted Peyton.

"You sick slut. I always used to think you were a good person. I guess I really am too naïve," said Ryan. She reeled as Peyton reached back and slapped her hard across the cheek.

Ryan ran up the stairs to where Peyton could never enter. To the inner circle of their lives. Pausing at Jake's door, she watched him sleep. His covers only half covered his muscular chest. Sometimes, she'd get in to bed with him and they'd sleep all night together.

But it only seemed to make her more irrevocably a child in his eyes.