Rei says:
First shot at a Gravitation fic, so please be nice.
This is really depressing.
I'm sorry, Shuichi.

Disclaimer - I don't own Gravitation, sadly.

Losing Gravity - Chapter 1

Yuki's POV

No. I can't do this anymore.

I gazed at my reflection in the bathroom mirror helplessly. What have I become? The pale, tired-looking figure looked back at me. Where had the stunning, drop-dead gorgeous lady-killer gone?

I looked down at the sink, picked up the bottle given to me by the doctor. Fucking pills didn't do anything for me. He said it would cure my depression – something I've been suffering from for a while – but all it's made me do is feel even more like shit. Yesterday I didn't take it. The medicine had been driving me insane, and I finally put my foot down and did not take the recommended dosage for the day. That night I revealed to Shuichi my true feelings – that I loved him. The expression on his face…he looked so incredibly happy, and I could only feel that in return. But, at the same time, I felt an incredible sense of sadness, regret, remorse. I kept it from Shuichi. My 'condition', if you will. I didn't want to get him worried or freaked out. If he knew…he would probably think it's his fault and come to me crying as he always does, clinging to me until I tell him it has nothing to do with him. And it doesn't. I won't lie. Shuichi…he was the best thing to happen to me in the longest time, although I would never admit it. He was a damn brat, sure, but there's something about him that's just…him.

How long has it been since things were normal? Since I felt normal, able to shoot out insults and smartass comments like it was nothing, since…well, since a lot of things. I can't even begin to describe the pain I've been feeling lately. It's nothing like being overstressed and coughing up blood like before. It's a deeper, more desperate feeling. I can't escape it, and the pills don't even help one fucking bit. I sighed angrily, pushing my hair back, inspecting my face further. My eyes. My eyes were different – they looked tired, there were disgusting bags underneath them. I was amazed no one has said anything about my appearance – not even Shuichi. Although, Shuichi probably wouldn't have noticed an atomic bomb sitting in the middle of our living room; he'd just avoid it and head right into the kitchen and grab something to eat.

I don't know how much I can take this feeling anymore. I want out; I want to escape from it. I opened the medicine cabinet above the sink, the zombie-Yuki that had been staring me down previously temporarily leaving my vision. I searched frantically, moving aside bottles and random knickknacks that had made their way into there, trying to find something – ANYTHING – to help me out. I was one second away from going right off the edge. My eyes fell onto a lonely object, gleaming dangerously at me. Razor. I picked it up in my hands, realizing absently that they were trembling.

A permanent answer to a temporary problem.

Those words rang into my head as I watched the razor, turning it over in my hands as if it were some strange treasure. Would I really do it? Suicide. The people that do it are nutcases, social outcasts, people desperate for attention, former child-stars, druggies…depressed lonely people…

What was I saying? I wasn't lonely. I was depressed, but I had no reason to be. The normal, somewhat rational Eiri Yuki would never attempt suicide, let alone think about it.

I touched the blade of the razor to my wrist, shivering at the way it felt, so cool against my skin. I had no applied enough pressure; I could not even break the skin at this point. Would I really do this?

In my mind, I saw Shuichi, pictured him clearly in my mind. I imagined his voice, telling me he loved me. No. I couldn't do this. I couldn't do this to him. If I did this now, I would be forever regretting the decision. Shuichi…he would be devastated. There's no telling what he would end up doing. And not just Shuichi – think about the millions of readers out there that would probably drop dead as well – sort of like what happened when Hide committed suicide. (1)

I paused, dropping the razor into the sink, gripping the sink with two hands. No. Eiri Yuki will not commit suicide. He will not end his life so foolishly, so irrationally.

And yet…

I looked at the sink, at the razor. I looked back at my reflection, at the haggard, shapeless hollow form of the sex-machine I had once looked like. My feelings, the medicine, the pain.

I picked up the razor again. The Yuki in the mirror was crying.

"Shuichi…I'm sorry."

Shuichi's P.O.V.

I whistled to myself happily as I made my way back to the house, where Yuki would be waiting. Yuki. My Yuki. No one else's. I couldn't stop the devilish grin from spreading onto my face at the thought of the blonde-haired novelist I've come to call my lover.

"Shuichi, you are one lucky bastard," I said to myself, laughing. Life had been going impossibly great lately. We, Bad Luck, just dropped our most recent album, and it's been selling like crazy. K refuses to let us slack off, which was why at work today it seemed like we've been working extra hard. It doesn't bother me as much as it should. I was having the greatest week of my life. You know why?

Yuki told me he loved me last night.

He's been acting really weird lately, I can't figure out why. Last night, while we were in bed, he told me. I guess maybe that was the reason for his strange mood. He was building up his manly self to finally reveal to me his true feelings.

Shuichi, you are truly the luckiest guy in the world. Life is fucking great. Nothing can bring me down now. I was unstoppable. I was invincible.

"Yuki, I'm ho-ome!" I called out in a sing-song voice, stepping into the house. I giggled, shutting the door behind me. I paused. Silence. "Well, that's weird," I said to myself, furrowing my brows. There was nothing. Not even a, 'I'm in here, you dumbass'.

"Yuki? Yuki?" I set down my stuff, starting to prowl around the darkened apartment like a spy. "Are you playing a game, Yuki-chan? Are you trying to hide from me?" I grinned, peeking around corners. Empty. Empty. All the rooms were empty. No sign of Yuki anywhere. He was really good at hide-and-seek. "I'm going to find you Yuki! I'm going to find you, and leap on you, and…"

I paraded around the house, humming to myself. Yuki was really, really good at hide-and-seek. "You should really know better, Yuki. I will always find you, no matter where you are."

I trailed off, my eyes falling onto the bathroom door. It was the only room where the light was on. There was a silence, and eerie, creepy silence I didn't like. But still, I grinned. I checked every other room in the house. He had to be in there.

I knocked on the door. "Yuki? Yuki, are you in there?" No answer. I cocked my head, straining to hear any sort of sound from the room. Nothing. Strange. "Yuki, I'm coming in, so you'd better get ready!"

I opened the door –

- and my heart stopped.

Side notes:

(1) - This references to Hide's (of the famed X Japan) suicide. When he died, it was reported that millions of fans all over were then hospitalized for their own attempts/fainting, etc.

R&R