A Matter of Minutes
By Joan Powers
A/N: A recent discussion on the Grissom/Sara Yahoo group reminded me how "Committed" has always bothered me. Grissom's lack of outward reaction was incredibly frustrating. This is my attempt to make sense of the events which actually occurred in the context of GSR. Thanks to Ms. Grits, Michele and PhDelicious for their insights, and to Stichik, whose thought provoking question allowed me to finally see things in a different light.
Type: G/S angst
Summary: "Committed" What was going through Grissom's mind when he saw Sara held captive by Adam Trent? GSR
Timeline/Spoilers: "Committed" Season 5
Rating: K+
The Desert State Hospital for the criminally insane wasn't the greatest work environment. But given the nature of his occupation, he'd experienced worse. Still, he didn't like the way the inmates were staring at Sara. He'd even been tempted to change her assignment to avoid discomfort, though he wouldn't admit whose was bothering him. He assured himself that he was being overly protective, and that he wasn't being fair to her as a professional. His rationale was reinforced when an inmate lashed out at Sara as she attempted to obtain a DNA sample. She handled the situation appropriately, stepping back and calling him in for assistance.
Although it was sometimes hard to suppress his urge to shelter Sara, time and time again she'd shown that, despite her delicate appearance, she was made of sturdy material. While her eyes occasionally revealed glimpses of her vulnerability, there was also an exterior toughness about her that indicated that she was used to looking after herself. And the last thing he wanted to do was insinuate that he didn't believe in her or her capability to handle her job, for that was far from the truth. Other than her tendency to become too emotionally invested in her cases, Sara Sidle was one of the finest investigators he'd ever worked with.
They approached the nurses' station to search for additional information about Adam Trent. Sara began to sift through records while Grissom sought out an orderly for assistance. When he returned with the orderly, he was stunned to discover that the nurse's station door was closed, and locked. His internal alarm began to sound.
Sara was in there. Something was wrong.
When he looked through the glass window to see Adam Trent holding some sort of ceramic shard against Sara's throat, he could barely breathe.
"Oh dear God."
His pulse began to race as pressure built up within his chest. Sara. My god, what if that lunatic harmed her? What if he cut her throat and killed her? The intense pain produced by those thoughts was too horrifying to consider; he couldn't allow himself to dwell on them or he'd be utterly useless. How was he going to reason with this man who was certifiably insane? And a convicted rapist as well.
He swallowed hard as his eyes searched for hers and then clung to them. He only hoped he could convey how badly he wanted to get her out of there. How much he needed her to be safe. How he'd be willing to do anything in his power to get her out of there, even if he had to make a deal with the devil himself. But he had to calm down; in his panicked state he wouldn't be effective.
Although it was difficult, he reached back to his training. He'd learned long ago how to suppress his emotional responses in order to face trying circumstances. For his job, it was a necessity. He took several deep breaths to try to mentally step back from his emotional upheaval. He had to do it, he told himself. For Sara. Logically he was aware that the only way to help her was to take charge of the situation, for him to remain rational and not to succumb to his mounting fear.
With a calm that he didn't feel, he told the orderly,
"Open the door."
Irrationally, he couldn't take his eyes off hers; it was the only link he had to her as if his thoughts could some how will her to be okay. God, there were so many things he should've told her, so many things that he might never have the opportunity to share with her. Could it really be too late? He took another breath to countermand his anxiety. He could hear the orderly's keys jiggling as he tried to find the right one.
When the man claimed that he didn't have the right key, it took all he had not to react. They had to open that door. He had to speak quietly, he couldn't panic or Sara might suffer the consequences.
"Just open it."
While the orderly continued to riffle through his keys, Adam turned and finally noticed that Grissom was there, staring at Sara. She'd stopped struggling as she continued to look back at Grissom. Grissom was worried that this would antagonize Adam more.
"Please open the door."
As he suspected, Adam threatened her and she averted her eyes to the floor at his insistence. The loss of eye contact disturbed Grissom, yet he strove to remain composed. He didn't know how to resolve this standoff and despite his efforts, the tension was building. He couldn't bear the thought of Sara being injured…or worse. He honestly didn't think he could handle the stress much longer without cracking or acting out irrationally. Alarms started to beep loudly and lights began to flash as Adam barked demands at Sara.
Suddenly, Nurse McKay ran up to the nurse's station, pressing her hands to the
window glass, shouting at Adam. Sara took advantage of Adam's distraction; she elbowed him in the chest, pushed him away and ran for the door. Adam used the ceramic shard on himself, cutting his own neck, blood spurting from the wound.
The intense pressure on his chest began to abate as Sara flung the door open and ran outside, getting as far away as she could. He froze, fighting the urgent need to run after her, to hold her tightly in her arms, to convince himself that she was really alright. But he couldn't do that, that wasn't his place; he wasn't allowed to do that. He was her boss, this was a crime scene and he was in charge. Regardless of his deep emotions for Sara, he couldn't forget that. Adam was still potentially dangerous and Sara was finally out of harm's reach. He wasn't permitted to entertain personal thoughts at this junction; the job owned him body, mind and spirit.
He allowed himself the brief luxury of glancing towards Sara once again. She'd reached the end of the hallway and was standing by a window. She slammed both of her palms against the metal grate and rested her forehead against it. She was safe. The weight on his chest substantially lessened, he could breathe easier.
Reluctantly, he returned his attention towards the nurse's station; he needed to insure that the situation was contained, for he was the responsibility party here. He would answer for any additional crimes. He had no idea if the unstable Adam Trent would lash out once again, wounded or not
When Adam was subdued, Grissom was able to focus his attention on Sara. He cautiously approached her, unsure how to proceed. While he had strong feelings for her, he'd never addressed them. He had no idea how to classify their association. He felt woefully inadequate; he didn't know how to breach that wall. Why had he allowed things to get to this point where it might be too late to act upon his feelings?
Yet despite his urgent need to hold her, under these circumstances, he had no right to approach her as anything more than her supervisor. This wasn't the time or place to address such intense, intimate issues. It frustrated him.
Duty, always duty, it almost felt as if it would be engraved on his headstone. At the rate he was going, by the end of his career, would there be anything else left of him? Perhaps it was time to make some changes.
"Are you okay?"
His voice sounded strained and his hands trembled slightly, yet Sara was too distracted to notice. She nodded vigorously. He observed her quietly, watching the rapid rise and fall of her chest. He decided to let her set the tone as he patiently waited.
Her admission about her mother spending time in a place like this surprised him, yet it fit with what Sara had revealed to him about her home life. He hated that she'd had to deal with all that.
"You sure you're okay?"
Her reply wasn't filled with confidence.
How should he proceed? Should he insist that she leave? His gut nagged that he should be firm about that, for she'd been through a terrible ordeal. But Sara had always been a fighter who was adamant about facing her fears. He'd leave it up to her.
"If you want, I can have somebody take your place."
As he suspected, Sara insisted that she needed to finish what she'd stared. As she tried to further explain herself, Nurse McKay interrupted, and life snapped back to normal.
His features registered surprise when he glanced towards his watch. The agonizing ordeal, which they'd just endured, seemed to linger over an hour. In reality, it had only been a matter of minutes.
THE END
I'd love to hear your thoughts about this one, since it was challenging for me to get to this point.