FMA PSAs: Ed and Envy's Kitchen Safety Tips
by NukaCola101
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Square Enix and Hiromu Arakawa copyright it.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The following was inspired by those cheesy Public Service Announcements (PSAs) I remember watching in the 80s when I was little. This one is based on a PSA that featured Bug Bunny talking about kitchen safety. Also, the cast of FMA is going to be portrayed as actors on a show called "Fullmetal Alchemist" (I know it sounds confusing, but it's not…really). Anyway, hope you enjoy this wondrous romp through PSA-land.
Edward Elric had gotten a message from the head programmers to come to a meeting right after he was done filming. Usually, Ed hated these types of meetings, since they where all nothing but mindless chatter (to which none of it was even his concern). Maybe I can get a chance to catch a few zzzs. Ed thought to himself as he entered the building. He often slept through those meetings, anyway.
After letting the secretary know why he was here, Ed made his way to the programmer's meeting room. "Welcome, Mr. Elric! Please, have a seat." said the head. He and everyone else in the room that Ed looked at were wearing the same exact navy blue business suit. Poor Ed felt he was lost in a sea of clones! No matter, Ed was just there to hear another boring lecture and leave, nothing more. Ed sat down and made himself comfortable (in the sense he was going to be napping the entire time) in the big, plush boardroom chair and took the programmers' offer on a drink. It was always the same: A can of store-brand soda that always tasted flat; no matter how fresh it seemed. Soon, the meeting began.
"Thank you for coming today, Mr. Elric." the same head told him. "Not a prob, that's why you pay me." Ed replied. A few chuckles where heard, but where quickly subsided. "Anyway, the reason why you are here today is to discuss the option of PSAs." "Yeah, so why don't you get Hughes or Armstrong to film one?" "Because of what happened the last time, Mr. Elric." another head reminded him. The last time the cast had to film a PSA, it was Hughes and Armstrong's turn. But their PSAs ended up being a disaster! Hughes had a PSA about missing children that nearly cost him his job. He threatened to "gut" any kidnappers about taking his daughter Elicia. Hughes, who was normally a cheerful guy, was downright frightening when got serious about the situation. His PSA was pulled after only airing once. And Armstrong's PSA about fitness ended up being an hour-long, self-obsessed film about his family's traditions (and showing off his muscles). Plus, those pink sparkles just freaked everyone out who saw the rough cut.
"Oh, I remember now. I see your point." Ed told the head programmers. "We where thinking that it is about time for you to film a PSA." "I already told you guys: I do not do PSAs!" "Suck it in, Shorty!" a voice called. Ed flustered with anger and whipped his head toward the door to see who it was. Envy was there. He had opened both the double doors to the meeting room and coolly walked in. "Ah, Mr. Envy, it is nice to see you again." "You all are looking rather…motivated today." Envy told the group of heads. They all gushed with pride. "You're a slime ball." Ed grunted at Envy, who took the seat across from him. He kicked up his legs and rested them atop the table. "That's why I'm a natural at my role, Little Bean." Envy said and winked at him with a smirk across his face. "Stop that…"Ed told him, trying not to let his anger get the best of him. Ed was quite famous for two things: The throngs of fan girls who where just waiting to see him that lined along the studio lot where they shot the show and his temper. Ed was particular anal about the use of the word "little" and other similar words. He was already on thin ice with the head programmers and was close to getting fired.
"Why are you here?" Ed asked Envy. "Oh, I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd pay a visit to me dear co-star, who's just a little bundle of suppressed angst and anger." Envy said and playfully pinched Ed's cheek as if he was a toddler. "Yeah right." Ed said with suspicion. "Mr. Envy was also called to discuss about his upcoming PSA as well." "But then we came up with a splendid idea: You two should film a PSA together!" another identical head told them. Upon hearing that, both Ed and Envy literally jumped out of their seats in shock. "WHAT!" they both exclaimed. "No way! He's an asshole!" Ed yelled, pointing to Envy. "Hell no! He's a whiney little brat!" Envy snapped, pointing to Ed. At this point, Ed didn't really care if he was going to lose his job over this. He just wanted Envy to shut up about all the small jokes. "But it will save the cost on filming two PSAs." a head explained. "Don't care!" they both said. "You two are the most popular characters on the show; this will give your careers a great boost!" "Already has happened!" "We'll pay you double if you do this." "Hmmm…Well, money is money. And I could use a new trailer." Ed hinted. "With a step ladder." Envy quipped. "And you need the extra money just so you could by your monthly hair care products, you stupid Palm Tree." "Bite me, Runt of the Litter!"
"ENOUGH!" shouted the head programmer. "Sorry." both Ed and Envy quickly said. "So, do we have a deal?" After careful thinking, they both agreed. What have I gotten myself into! Ed and Envy thought to themselves as they left the meeting.