Disclaimer: I don´t own CSI or any of it´s characters.
A/N: I wrote this today in one sitting, so this piece wasn´t beta-d. Any mistakes contained are mine. I´m from germany so please forgive me for my bad spelling and grammar from time to time ;-) Feedback is always veeery appreciated!Illusion
Our first kiss? Yeah, I remember our first kiss.
And the shift before I remember. Blood, a lot of blood and a little girl laying in it, her blond hair soaked with the red liquid. And your compassionate gaze. I remember the look you gave her. The case got to you, dug itself into your soul and your heart. You´d have nightmares afterwards, just like me.
The scene was processed carefully and as we drove back to the lab I could see your hands gripping the steering wheel tighter, your knuckles turning white. I wanted to kiss them and then kiss your lips and tell you everything would be okay. But I knew I wasn´t the one able to make your pain go away.
The culprit was caught and arrested that morning, the neighbour having seen him climb out of the window. The evidence was processed and locked in, prooving the young man to be guilty. He had been arrested for sexual abuse before. Another one who´d been let out of prison years to early because of good behaviour.
It was hours after we´d first arrived at the scene that he was put behind bars and we could finally go home.
You saw me to my car, telling me to get some sleep and eat something before taking off to go home yourself. Your eyes looked so tired and your hair was ruffled, letting your slightly grey curls stand out into all directions. I just wanted to kiss you, touch my lips to yours and stop our world for a few moments. But I knew you had someone to go home to, someone who´d kiss you and take you to bed. Someone who´d make the bad thoughts go away and stop your world for you, so I just smiled tiredly and drove away.
At home I showered and changed but before I could climb under the covers there was a hesitant knock at my door and in that instant I knew, I just knew it was you.
And this time I could kiss you and feel the soft press of your lips against mine, taste the salty flavour of them. And as your tongue pushed it´s way into my mouth my world stopped.
We didn´t make love that afternoon. We just kissed and cuddled and slept and it was enough.
I didn´t have nightmares that day and you didn´t either.
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The first time we made love you told me it was wrong. Totally and utterly wrong. You loved her, you said, you really did. But still you kept kissing and touching me, whispering soft words into my skin. And I didn´t stop you.
You didn´t hear your cell phone ringing as you pushed into me for the first time and I didn´t mention it. That moment was mine and mine alone. She could fall asleep with you by her side later, while I´d be left alone in my bed, with your scent still surrounding me. She´d have you to have dinner with. You´d kiss her goodbye that night before going into work.
But before you left you kissed me goodbye too. And that was enough.
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It became a regular occurence. You´d just show up at my place and we´d make love - at least that´s what happened the first few weeks. Oddly enough I didn´t feel cheap for sleeping with you, an engaged man. Maybe because I hadn´t met her yet or maybe because she didn´t seem real to me, but you did. Your kisses and touches felt real. Your moans and low whispers sounded real. We were real to me. And that was enough.
And then the conversations began. The evenings where we would just sit on my couch and talk or watch a movie together. As if we were the real couple. I never asked you to leave her and you never suggested it. You seemed to need me. You seemed to find something with me that she couldn´t give you. And that was enough.
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The first time I met her, I was suprisingly calm. I kept on breathing, I kept on smiling and I kept on talking as if nothing had happened, as if I was happy to meet her just like our other co-workers who shook her hand amicably and told her what a lucky woman she was to have you. You stood at the side, observing rather than being engaged in the conversation yourself as usual. And from time to time your eyes would drift over to me, seeking my gaze, watching for my reaction and I noticed the others doing exactly the same. But no, I wouldn´t show how much I hurt. I kept a smile plastered on my face, playing my role as the uninvolved co-worker perfectly. I have become good at hiding my feelings in front of others, just like you. I have learned how to detact myself from certain situations since the first time we kissed.
Only when I was at home I let the tears fall freely. You shattered my heart that day by making her real to me and I would never forgive you for doing so.
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You kept coming and I kept forgiving you even though I hurt everytime you left my apartment to go home to her. The closing of my front door became a dreaded sound to me, breaking my heart every time I lay in bed and heard it.
But still I let you in every time you knocked, and still I kissed your pain away when you needed it. And still I needed you to come to me and make it all go away from time to time, to stop my world for a moment or two. And when you were with me I was finally able to forget the pain. It was a vicious circle and we both knew it. But those moments when you kissed me and made it all go away were enough for me.
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The first time you told me you loved me you were on the brink of climax just like me and I thought I´d probably just imagined it. But my heart skipped a beat anyway.
And then you said it again, later while we were lying on my couch, watching some kind of documentation on airplane crashes. You murmured it into my neck softly and I´d never felt so utterly lost as in that instant. Seeing the pained and still stunned expression on my face you repeated those three words, looking into my eyes this time and I knew you meant them.
And though you still said you loved her too and that could never leave her, those three words were enough for me.
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And now, as I´m standing behind the big oak on the cemetry, watching your coffin being lowered into the ground from a distant, it´s still enough for me.
Even if she is the one standing next to your grave now, surrounded by our friends, and even if she is the one who can openly grieve over your loss, I was the one to hold you when you took your last breath. I was the one you said your last words too. It were my hands that were covered with your blood and I am the one whose carrying a part of you in her body now. It´s not her, it´s me. And that is enough.
That´s what I´m telling myself all the way to the airport and as I sit on the plane on the way into my new life.
And I could almost believe myself if it weren´t for the tears that just won´t stop sliding down my cheeks and if it weren´t for the painful remainder that is my broken heart.
Without you, it will never be enough.
Fin
A/N: Reviews are greatly appreciated!