Chapter One Hundred Twelve: Do You Ever Long For?

Author's note: After this chapter, there are three more.
Haley didn't worry that he was worrying. They didn't need each other with the all consuming passion that they once had. He didn't even want her as he once had. She'd born three of his children, lost one, and now all she was to him was their mother and not his woman, the love of his life.

She wondered if he was asleep. She wondered if he could now sleep without her. She could sleep without him. She wondered what his dreams were, and who haunted them in her absence. She shivered, thinking of the bed empty without her. She shrugged off the thought. Even without her there, the place by his side would belong to her. Always.

Haley fingered the thick document on the leather desk in front of her. She knew what it signified. She didn't know if she was ready for it.

Peyton glanced guiltily around her shoulder as Davis stepped out of the apartment, calling merrily to her as she left. She liked the company, Peyton realized. Peyton liked the company, too. There was no denying that there was something between her and Davis.

She rifled through her underwear drawer which consisted most of lacy thongs, wrinkling her noise in distaste.

This wasn't what she was looking for.

She hoped desperately that she wouldn't find what she was looking for.

Haley helped herself to a shot of tequila, her fourth of the evening. She needed it, to dull the pain which would not be dulled.

Her eyes fell on the picture of the five of them. Her children were beautiful. Dark, mysterious Eve, fair, pure Nina, small, adorable Kade. Kade was so like his father, Nina so like her. They were theirs, and they bound them together.

They wouldn't be split apart. It wouldn't make them unhappy. Staying together because of them would do more harm then good.

Nathan was her lover. He always would be. As much distance as she put between them, one day she knew she'd always look over her shoulder and find him right behind her, right where she left him. She was fairly sure that she'd be able to handle this, come the day. She didn't know if she could handle more of her dull, unending monotony.

Her eyes hovered on the neat stack of documents, an obvious effect of Heli. Haley had once been so unsure of Heli, certain that she was going to seduce her husband and steal away her children. She knew now that she would not. Heli had a heart of gold, and was entirely trustable. She'd be their mother when Haley could not be.

A sob threatened to shake Peyton's body as she unearthed a revolver in Davis' jewellry box. She clutched it and sat on the bed, staring ahead. She wanted so badly to believe that Davis was the good one. That underneath her bitchiness, she was the one Peyton could trust, could rebuild her life with.

She knew now she could not. Davis had tried to kill Haley and her baby. Davis had possible tried to kill Nathan, years ago in Tree Hill. She was unbalanced and she was a felon. Haley, Peyton's best friend despite it all, had gone through hell because of the one person that Peyton had truly trusted.

But one thing shone through. Some how or other, Davis was a conduit to redemption.

Haley ran swiftly up the wide marble staircase, down a wood panelled, portrait bearing hall to her second daughter's room. She didn't know why her footsteps led her there of all place. Maybe because she saw herself in Nina. Maybe because she knew deep down that Nina would be hurt most of all. Maybe because deep down, Nina was her favourite.

Nina twitched slightly as her mother gently pulled back her covers and pulled her small body on to her lip. She ran a hand through Nina's long blonde hand, touched her sun kissed skin. Nina was perfect. She always would be. She'd be the Brooke of Manhattan society. And Haley would be proud of her. But it wasn't enough to stay.

She remember Nina's conception. She wondered if, when this beautiful child had come into being, if she'd been tied to the bedposts or if he'd been fucking her from behind like a dog. It was more than likely.

That couldn't have been Haley, herself. Surely it had been someone else.

She clung to this hope desperately for a second.

She mechanically dug through Davis' stuff, unearthing more and more evidence, slowly breaking her heart as she went. She found records of Haley's interactions, the first evidence that she was to have a child, her itinerary, transcripts of her telephone conversations. It was incredible what she'd been able to collect.

How was this possible? Davis was a liar, Davis was a backstabbing bitch. Davis was not a murderer, attempted or otherwise. Even Nathan would vouch for that.

Not that he would, after he found out what she'd done to Haley. He'd more likely kill her with his bare hands. It wasn't as if he wasn't capable.

That summer. That's where it had started, for all of them. And somehow, it was the end for Peyton. It had put her down her long path to rock bottom. This was rock bottom.

This was her hell.

At three in the morning, Haley silently dressed herself. She didn't know why she bothered. She put on a short, seductive nightdress and draped herself in a silk dressing gown. She brushed her long blonde hair until it shone over her shoulders. She wanted to look perfect for this last.

Hours later, at seven, Nathan searched for her before discovering her in his study. He stared at her for a second, taking in the sight of her, sensing darkness.

"Where were you last night?" he asked slowly.

"Why do you ask Nathan, when you so obviously don't want to know?" she asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Haley..."

"I was right here. Contemplating," she said. She picked the document and handed it to him.

"What is this?" he asked blankly.

"And why do you ask, Nathan, when you already know the answers?"

He flipped it open. "Don't. You can't. I need you, Haley."

"I have to, Nathan. You've put me on a pedestal. You can't see me as a person. And I can't spend my entire life with someone who'd..."

"That? Haley, that was eight years ago. Can't you just..." he hurried over around the desk, and she took a step back, knowing that if he touched her she couldn't control herself.

"Don't. I've fulfilled everything. I've done everything. I've earned the right to be me again," she said, looking downward. He moved to place a hand on her forearm.

She turned and ran.