A/N: Written for kikyoandkagomeneedtodie4goodmwahahahahahah…who has an extremely long name! Lol! I held a secret contest in my 2 Months fic and she got it! LOL! Here's to you! Hope you like it! Major OOCness…but hey this is a comedy of weirdness with a serious screwy ness to it! It's also…
Mind Reading, Torched Zombies, and Psychotic Squirrels
The gang had been traveling non-stop for three days back to Kaede's hut. Kagome had been attacked and was left unconscious, bleeding all over Inuyasha's kimono. They had managed to bandage her wounds, but the bear demon had really done some damage to her. If Kagome being unconscious and bleeding wasn't bad enough for the group, the Queen of the Dead herself had decided to join the group.
"Inuyasha, just leave her to die already. She's nothing but dead weight!" Kikyo spat. Miroku was being holding back a fuming Sango while Kirara had a firm grip on Shippo's tail.
"Look whose talking," the little fox muttered. Inuyasha just shut his mouth and continued walking. He was furious, yes, but he could do nothing about it. If someone were to pop out of those bushes right now and finally put that loud-mouthed, undead, Zombie Queen to rest I swear I'll kiss them, he thought bitterly as Kikyo continued to nag. Unknown to him, a pair of violet eyes was watching in the bushes up ahead laughing at his inner thoughts.
"Kirara, let's go!" Sango finally screamed. Her little cat mewed and transformed as the two, along with Miroku and Shippo, rode off into the sky.
HEAVY! HEAVY! LOSE SOME WEIGHT DEMON SLAYER! ARE YOU FRICKIN PREGNANT! a feminine voice seemed to scream. Kirara, showing no emotion on the outside, was dying inside from having to carry the two. She felt a hand move across her fur slowly creeping up behind where Sango was sitting. Oh you stupid little monk, do you WANT to be thrown off here! Wait a sec…yes, yes my little pet…keep it up…hehe. Only one specializing in animal emotions, or able to read minds, would have been able to see the faint sadistic grin sweep across the flying cat's face.
"PERVERT!" Sango screamed and a loud smack was heard as the monk went flying from Kirara into the unknown trees below. Now, the smack wasn't nearly enough for him to fly off, but you add the slight tilting of a certain fire cat demon and you have a recipe for disaster.
"Okay, honey they're gone! Let's get it on!" Kikyo practically flung herself at Inuyasha. If it were not for a quick burst of flame jetting out from somewhere beside them, she would have been on top of Inuyasha in a second. Instead, she lay in a heap on the side of the rode holding her melting arm.
"Who are you?" Inuyasha asked, not taking his usual fighting stance out of unspoken appreciation for the new comer.
"Okibi's the name," the violet eyed dog demon smiled. Inuyasha's stared in wonder. Standing in front of him was a half dog demon with long, spiky brown hair and two brown puppy ears on her head. She wore a tight fitting black outfit with purple flames shooting across it. A solitary chain, her weapon, weaved its way across her body.
"Ack! You…you…you vile half-breed! How dare you melt my arm!" Kikyo screeched from the side. Okibi laughed at this, once again showing off her pearly white fangs. I wish she'd just melt the rest of you, Inuyasha looked on with pity at the priestess. He gently put Kagome down, who slowly opened an eye to wink at Okibi, and walked over to Kikyo. The entire time, begging her just to die. Okibi, a fire starting telepath, smiled wickedly.
Hmm…grilled or sizzled? Which one works better for a zombie? Kagome thought wickedly. Okibi laughed aloud, gaining the attention of all three around her.
"Torched seems to work the best," she smirked. Kagome laughed maniacally in her mind, but remained as calm as can be on the outside. After all, she was supposed to be asleep. Inuyasha stared at Okibi with confusion written all over his face. At her beckoning, he backed away from Kikyo. The zombie sat, the words "screw off" written on her forehead for all to see.
Okibi kept the same evil smirk. She lifted a hand that immediately became engulfed in flames. Raising her other hand, the flames began to shoot in between the two. She held her blazing hands out, palms up, towards Kikyo. With a snap of the fingers, Kikyo burst into flames.
"I'm melting! I'm melting!" she cried, very wicked witch of the west like. Kagome, having been the only one in the situation to have seen that movie, had to bite her lips together to keep from bursting out laughing. Sometimes, the school girl could be very sadistic. Inuyasha stared on in horror, but in his mind he was doing the chicken dance. Why the chicken dance? That was the only one he had ever learned, and that was just because Sota wouldn't leave him alone until he did it.
Moments later, Kikyo was nothing more than a puddle of melted goop on the ground. Inuyasha looked slightly forlorn on the outside, but continued his chicken dance on the inside. Kagome was currently singing "Ding dong the witch is dead" in her mind. Okibi, laughing at the two people's overactive minds, suddenly perked up and locked hands with Inuyasha in a very Koga/Kagome-like style.
"Pucker up big boy! You promised me a kiss!" Okibi laughed again. Inuyasha froze, and Kagome bolted up absolutely pissed. Okibi sighed as she read their thoughts. "You swore that you would kiss whoever finally put her to rest. I did it, so pucker up!" she puckered her lips at Inuyasha who suddenly remembered saying it. Being a man of his word, no matter how much damn trouble it got him into, he had to kiss her. Bending down hesitantly he puckered his lips and slowly made his way down. Okibi was getting impatient, so she jumped him. Their lips made contact and she absolutely loved it. So did Inuyasha.
"HEY STOP IT!" a much better Kagome jumped up from the ground. Okibi broke a way for a moment, brandishing a flaming finger at the school girl. Just as she was about to say something, a hundred little voices pounded into her mind.
NUTS! WHERE ARE MY NUTS!
What smells like burnt zombie?
OH MY FREAKING NUTS! WHAT THE HELL IS ALL OVER MY WONDERFUL NUTS!
ZOMBIE BRAINS! WOOHOOO!
Just then, out of nowhere, a stampede of a hundred squirrels came running from no where. Okibi, having dealt with the crazy squirrels before, quickly gave Inuyasha another kiss and took off. The squirrels stopped at Kikyo's remains and one squirrel with crazy eyes began to eat the goop. Kagome stared stupefied as the other squirrels began barking like crazy. Inuyasha looked around suspiciously then took off towards Okibi, he liked that kiss way better than anything he had ever gotten from Kagome or Kikyo.
And…somewhere far, far away…a cat demon went crazy and flipped the three people riding on her back into a lake.