Hermione hadn't spoken to her girlfriend in a few days so when she showed up at The English Rose looking tired and sad she wasn't quite sure what to expect but a feeling of uneasiness settled in her stomach. "Hi," she offered a small greeting to her girlfriend and stepped aside so Bella could enter.
"Hi," Bella said, pulling her girlfriend into a hug. Being in Hermione's arms, smelling her shampoo, feeling loved, it all had an immediate calming effect on the older warm. "I've missed you," she whispered quietly when she turned her head to smell Hermione's neck.
"I've missed you too," Hermione hugged her tighter because she felt at that moment that Bella needed it. "You look beautiful today," she pulled back to get a look at her girlfriend. Yes, her eyes looked very tired but they were sparkling.
"No," Bella blushed, "but thank you."
"Are you okay?" Hermione asked with a tone of concern.
"No," Bella let a small sad smile crest her face. "But I will be. Hermione, we need to talk."
Those four words sent Hermione's stomach up into her throat. All of a sudden the room felt too small and in return so did she. The relationship barely had time to get off the ground and now she was certain that her girlfriend had come over to end things with her. "Okay," she said barely above a whisper but her face spoke louder than any words she could articulate in that moment.
Seeing the worry cross Hermione's face sent Bella into her own moment of worry, "it's nothing like that," she whispered back. "I'm honestly not even sure where to begin but this definitely needs to be a sitting down type of conversation. Maybe," she looked upstairs and downstairs to see if there were any customers. When she was certain they were alone she continued, "maybe we can go to the book room downstairs? Would it be okay if you closed up the shop for this?"
Hermione stared at the older woman. Yes, she did look tired and scared. "Sure," she walked a few steps to the door, opened it and flipped the open sign over before closing it back up and locking it. "After you," she smiled at Bella waiting for her to lead the way. The older woman nodded and made her way down the stairs and started pacing as soon as she got downstairs. "Bella?"
Hermione came up behind her and touched her shoulder, she stopped pacing and turned to face the younger woman. "Maybe you should have a seat," she pointed to Hermione's comfy chair.
"Are you going to sit down as well?" Hermione was starting to get scared about whatever was about to happen.
"I'm not sure how to do this. I've actually done this so many times with so many different people but never with someone who has meant anything to me," she started pacing again, "and you do, Hermione. You mean a great deal to me."
Hermione was shifting uncomfortably in her chair, "Bella," she said calmly, "just start at the beginning. Whatever it is, just start talking." She tried to sound as reassuring as possible because she didn't know where this would go but she was determined to listen to everything she had to say.
"Okay," Bella sighed and wiped her hand down her face. "Have you heard of the Black Family?" Hermione's eyes widened slightly before she controlled them and shook her head yes. "Ahh well that makes this a little easier I suppose," she started pacing again, "let me properly introduce myself. I'm Bellatrix Black." She stopped pacing and looked at the woman sitting in the chair, "I don't know if it's a good sign that you haven't already pushed me out yet or not."
"Bella?" Hermione said softly, her voice turning up into a question. "Just start at the beginning. I'm listening."
Bella nodded, "when you came over to my house, I'm sure you noticed that one side of the house looked different than the rest. Almost new?" She saw Hermione nod, "that's because when I was 23 I set that side of the house on fire." She didn't stop to look at Hermione. "Since you know the last name I'm guessing you already knew that part of the story," Hermione bit her lip but nodded, shifting once again in her chair. Bella had noticed every little movement the younger woman was making. "What the stories, headlines, and television reporters never mentioned was the years of undocumented torture and abuse my sisters and I went through that led up to that night. Shall I go on?" She saw the slightest nod from the other person in the room before she sighed and kept talking, "our father was," she started pacing again, "honestly there isn't a word horrible enough to describe that man. Mother was no better. She sat by and watched everything. Never trying to stop him. Can I show you something?" She waited for a head nod before she lifted her shirt up to her bra line and slowly turned around so Hermione could see the entire canvas. The brunette gasped at the scars and myriad of old wounds adorning the pale skin. Bella's skin told a story of abuse like Hermione had never seen before. She had her scars as well but Bella's scars were the work of years of torture.
Bella pulled her shirt down and turned, finally looking Hermione in the eyes, "don't pity me, Hermione. I've had many years of treatment to come to terms with this. I could go on and on about all the ways he tortured me, my sisters and even little Draco but I won't. Thankfully Andromeda took the first opportunity to get out and Dora never had to fall victim to his torture." She walked over and finally took a seat on the other side of the room, sighing as she did. "Emotional, verbal, physical…" she was ticking off the words on her fingers when her voice dropped with an underlying sadness, "sexual. We all experienced his tirade. There was no escaping it. I suppose mental illness runs in the family. Suffice to say PTSD is something I experienced regularly during my time living there and still to this day, it's not an illness that just stops. Anytime I would hear him coming down the hallway, it would send me running to my sisters to gather them up and make sure they didn't get hurt. I wasn't aware at that time that the years of experiencing this also lead to other underlying mental health issues."
She had stopped talking, hung her head and her breathing had become more labored. "You are safe here, Bella. Please go on."
"The night I set the house on fire was all a blur to me for many years. It was the first time I had an out of body experience. Cissy had given birth to Draco not long before that night. The baby was a few months old at best. Draco had colic so he cried a lot for the first few months that I can recall. One night I was walking back to my room when I heard Cissy begging our father to stop. I don't know what was going on but I heard him say, "you shut this fucking bastard up or I'll shut him up for good," and then what sounded like a slap or a punch and then nothing. The baby stopped making any noises and I heard my sister crying. When father left, I hurried into the room to comfort Cissy and I can't remember anything after that. I guess that was rock bottom for me. I snapped. The rest of the details of that night are fuzzy."
She looked over and saw a stray tear rolling down Hermione's cheek but the brunette didn't interrupt. "So, the story goes that I snapped sometime in the middle of the night and set the house on fire. Before the flames got too out of control, I helped Cissy and Draco make it outside but both my parents died in the fire. Honestly, the world is better off," she shook her head and closed her eyes before continuing praying to whatever god that was listening to keep the brunette open minded. "After that, I was obviously arrested but I was still outside of myself and not experiencing the situation. The cops had me in prison for days or so I'm told before they decided I was incompetent to stand trial. From that moment on, I spent the next twelve years of my life in an inpatient mental health hospital. I would be lying if I said I remembered any of the first 10 years at the hospital. I was catatonic when I went into the hospital from prison so they never got a chance to actually speak with me, they misdiagnosed me with paranoid schizophrenia and over medicated me for 10 years before the government did a rehab on the facility and all new doctors came in," Bella stood up quickly causing the brunette to jerk back which the older woman noted.
"So when the new doctors came in and reevaluated everyone, I was correctly diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder, PTSD and brief periods of Psychosis. Once I was properly medicated and receiving the right kind of psychotherapy, I slowly started to become myself again. Cissy was the first person that I can remember who visited me. I'm sure she came before then but I wasn't fully there. You know," Bella stopped pacing, "she actually thanked me. She said without that night, she thinks father would've killed Draco. It took Andy a little while to come around. I finally got to meet Dora and she's been my favorite person ever since. She gets me," Bella smiled thinking about her niece. "I spent two more years in the hospital before they decided I was okay enough to be released. That was six years ago. I still go to intensive outpatient care once a month. That's why I had been disappearing with Cissy for a week each month. Because of the hearing that happened when I went to hospital, I wasn't allowed to move in with Narcissa. Andy had moved back into our parents home after it was rehabilitated but the house is in my name. So, I moved in with her and Dora. Andy and I have a rocky relationship most of the time though I'm sure her overbearing qualities just means she cares," she shrugged.
Bella was having a cathartic experience. She didn't know why she felt the need to tell Hermione everything but she couldn't stop herself even if she tried. If the younger woman kicked her out and never wanted to speak with her again, at least she could say for the first time she was open and honest with someone she cared for. To Bella, this was a step towards her recovery. "I came across The English Rose shortly after coming back home. I was meant to keep myself out of the public's eye though both me and Cissy didn't think anyone would recognize me after so long. I really, really wanted to come inside this shop but I wasn't allowed. So, I wrote your grandfather a letter and stuck it in his drop off box and to my shock and surprise he left my first set of books. And well, you know what happened from there," she smiled sadly. A long stretch of uncomfortable silence filled the room, the tension palpable. Neither one quite knew how to breach the quiet, almost afraid of what would be said next, "I think I'm done," Bella said quietly.
"How are you doing now?" Hermione spoke quietly. "I mean with the therapy, medication, recovery?" Her voice was wavering which she didn't appreciate.
"Well," Bella shrugged. "Everything changed when I met you, Hermione. 42 years and I never saw you coming into my life and I can honestly say that I'll never be the same. It's impossible to put into words how you make me feel. When I'm around you, everything stops, the world is quiet and I'm calm. You make me want to be the best version of myself that I can be," she looked over at the brunette, "I've spoken about you in outpatient. I've told them that for the first time ever I'm experiencing what true happiness can be and it terrifies me. It scares me everyday that I could mess this up and the happiness will be gone, that you'll be gone. They updated my medication recently and I'm still adjusting to it but I feel okay if that's what you were asking. If you are asking if I still have incidents, yes. Some things are out of my control and if I don't take my medicine as prescribed or my body is adjusting to new dosing or there's something triggering, it can elicit a psychotic episode. Sometimes the PTSD just sneaks up on you when you least expect it."
"So," Hermione broached the subject, "when Cissy answered your phone, you were?"
"Sleeping. I had an episode, Andy gave me a strong dose of my rescue medication and then I slept for a day or so. I woke up this morning and Dora had informed me that you called and sent me some books. I'm sorry I missed your call and that I was indisposed and you weren't aware of anything going on. This is a lot for anyone to hear and I was afraid," she sighed and started pacing again, "you are like my Achilles heel, Hermione. I'm so afraid of losing you and I know that it's a possibility now. I just couldn't take any more steps in our relationship without you knowing everything about the past no matter the outcome. I wish I would've been strong enough to tell you earlier."
"You tried…"
"I know," she gave the girl a half smile, "but I still feel like it might have been too late."
"Bella," Hermione visibly swallowed, "did you go to Laura's apartment after she attacked me?"
Bella stopped pacing, backed up until she hit the wall then slid down squatting on her feet, hugging her legs, "yes," she closed her eyes and let her head hit the wall and she repeated the action a few times before she spoke. "Seeing your wounds, seeing you in that much pain, it set me off in a way I hadn't experienced since I lived at home. Nobody deserves to be treated that way, to be disrespected by someone who supposedly loved them. I realize now that what I did wasn't any better but in that moment I felt justified because she needed to be taught a lesson. Nobody should get away with putting their hands on someone else. I never thought she'd contact you again and I would say that I wish I didn't go but that would be a lie. I hope she got the message so she won't do the same thing to her next girl. I am sorry for not telling you though."
"How did you even get there and get in?"
"I took her key out of your pocket and I had Dora drive me," she saw the hurt look cross her face, "look don't be mad at Dora for not telling you. She was just trying to protect me when I didn't need that from her. She didn't mean any harm. She wanted me to be able to have the chance to tell you about Laura. Dora also didn't come into the apartment so please, even if you never speak to me again, don't hold it against her." Hermione nodded but didn't look up from her hands, "I told my therapist about what happened that week I was at Cissy's before Christmas. They updated my medicine. The only reason I slipped the other day is because my body is still adjusting. I haven't felt anger since I left Laura's that day. Well I felt a little something when I found out Laura texted you but I don't think it was anger or jealousy or anything like that. I think I was feeling worried that I wouldn't be able to explain all of this to you."
"If Laura hadn't texted me, would you have ever told me?"
"Yes," she said without hesitation, "when I said I wanted to talk to you, I planned to tell you everything. I felt that our relationship was about to head to the next step physically and I knew I couldn't take that step until my medication fully kicks in the way it's supposed to and," she stood up and walked over, kneeling down in front of Hermione, putting her hands on her thighs, "I couldn't go there with you unless you knew everything and could accept me as I am. I have many physical scars as you saw and some pretty deep emotional ones as well. I needed you to see it all. I'm getting better everyday and I refuse to slip back because you mean more to me than I ever thought possible." Bella tried to catch Hermione's eyes but the brunette was looking down at her hands, "I think maybe I should give you some space."
Hermione finally looked up, her eyes wet with unshed tears. She bit her lip and nodded, "I think I just need a little time to process all of this." Bella nodded and removed her hands from Hermione's legs. She got up and started walking towards the steps. "I'm not saying I don't want to be with you. I'm saying that this is going to take a little time to process everything you've told me. It's a lot, Bella."
"I get it," the older woman kept her eyes forward not looking over her shoulder and she hung her head, "I'll wait. Contact me when you are ready. I'm a patient person. I hope to see you at the ball," she took a step up the stairs and didn't turn back.
Hermione got up from her chair and went after Bella but she was already out of the front door and across the street by the time she had made it to the window. She slumped into one of the chairs and cried. Her heart ached for Bella and she did know how she would begin to process everything she had been told.
A few days had passed since Bella left the English Rose and neither woman attempted to contact the other. It was New Years Eve afternoon and Henry was at the shop continuing on his quest to fix all the loose bookshelves before the next year. He had sensed a change in his granddaughter over the past few days and wanted to make sure she was okay. Henry was finishing up with his last bookshelf when Hermione emerged from upstairs. She was wearing leggings and an oversized off the shoulder sweatshirt and he noted that her eyes were puffy and swollen. "Afternoon, sunshine," he looked over and smiled. "We've been slow all morning so I took the opportunity to finish fixing the shelves and I stocked books downstairs."
"Thanks for opening the shop for me," she gave a pained smile. "I haven't been sleeping all that well."
"Are you sure you are okay?" He waited and when she didn't speak he continued, "I am a very good listener. I don't know what's going on with you but it's clear to me that you are hurting and I just want to help."
Another long stretch of silence fell over the shop, Hermione moved to the seats by the window. She brought her legs up to her chest and pulled a book out from where it was tucked in the chair. She had tried for the last few days to get Bella out of her mind but every time she closed her eyes, her face was there. She truly cared a great deal for this woman but if she said she wasn't a little scared she'd be lying. Would Bella hurt her in the future? She honestly didn't know. She sighed when she looked out the window and saw Dora walking down the street. The pink haired woman made eye contact with Hermione and hurried to avert her gaze before heading into the salon. Hermione rolled her eyes when her grandfather came over with a pot of tea and two cups, milk and sugar. "Tea?" He asked as he sat the tray down and took a seat.
Shaking her head yes, she reached down and prepared her cup before bringing it up to take a relaxing sip. "Papa? Can I ask you something?" She bit her lip and averted her gaze.
"Anything, Sunshine."
"What do you know about the Black family?"
"Hmm," her grandfather thought, taking a sip from his cup, "what do you want to know?"
"Anything."
"Well," he thought back to everything he could remember. "Of course everyone knows about the oldest daughter setting the house on fire and everything that happened to her. She was sent to a mental institution and I'm not sure what happened to her after that. I never met any of the daughters but I did meet the husband and wife a few times. They came to the shop and your grandmother couldn't stand that man. If she had her way they would've been banned from ever coming in here. That man would yell at his wife the entire time they were here and Emily swears he put his hands on his wife while shopping more than once."
"Why didn't you ban them?"
"Well," her grandfather looked ashamed, "I'm not proud of it but they were big buyers and we needed the money. They would come in once every couple of months and buy a couple thousand pounds worth of books and the money kept us going for a while. If I had ever seen him put his hands on his wife, he would've been banned. I am ashamed everyday that I didn't do anything to help protect his wife."
"You know how people like that are though, papa. He would've just given it to her worse at home. Do you think he abused his daughters?"
"There was talk around the town that the girls weren't in public schooling because they were always badly bruised and injured so they were homeschooled to keep the police away. I don't know how true any of the rumors are. Though, Emily saw the girls a few times during family outings and she said they always seemed so scared and small. Almost like they were afraid to be happy."
Hermione nodded and looked back out of the window, she saw Dora and Andy closing up the salon for the day and heading back down the street towards their home. She sighed, "do you think people can change? Like seriously change? Do you think they are victims of their circumstances?"
"Where is all of this coming from, Sunshine?"
She hung her head, "my Bella is Bellatrix Black. Oldest daughter of the Black family. She told me everything the other night and I told her I needed some space. I don't know where to go from here."
"Ahh," realization hit Henry all at once. "Have your feelings changed?"
"No," she shook her head, "I don't think so. She's in therapy and is getting the help she needs."
"Are you afraid?"
Hermione shrugged, "I think with my past experience with physical and emotional abuse, I can empathize with everything she told me but a part of me is scared that she could snap on me at any moment."
"Has she ever given you reason to be afraid of her?" She shook her head no. "Do you want to talk about what she told you?" She shook her head no, again. "Do you want to stop seeing her?"
"I don't know," Hermione began crying, "this is the happiest I've been in years, Papa. I don't think Bella would consciously do anything to hurt me like Laura did. Unconsciously though," she wiped a few tears away, "I'm not so sure. I guess I'm afraid of her having an episode and me not being able to help de-escalate the situation before she can do anything she regrets. "
"Has she ever lost control around you?"
"No."
"Is she taking any medication?" Hermione nodded. "Maybe it's a matter of learning the signs of when she's starting to have an episode? Is that what you called it?" She nodded, "well sunshine, I think the most important question you have to ask yourself is if she is worth it?"
That was the question that had been racing through Hermione's mind since Bella left the Rose the other night. It was a lot of information to wrap her head around and at this moment, she just wasn't sure.
Later that evening, the ball was in full swing. It was another successful night for Narcissa. Bella on the other hand was pacing in the library. She had given the girl some like she had said she would but she was losing hope. It's been a few days and she's heard nothing from Hermione. "It's over," she paced back and forth, "I hoped she would come but of course she wouldn't. Who would fucking come to be with a monster like you?" She smacked herself hard enough that the sound could be heard echoing off of the library walls, "just shut up," she screamed at herself. She felt herself plummeting fast and was desperate to hold on to reality and not let the darkness pull her in during her sister's big night. "Way to go, you fucking idiot. You scare away the only woman you ever fucking cared about." She was fuming, angry with herself. She picked up the lamp on the desk and threw it at the double door, shattering it instantly. "So fucking stupid," she growled. The back door slid open and Bella screamed, "get the fuck out."
"Aunt Bella?" The soft voice of her niece got louder as the young woman approached her quickly.
"Leave, Dora," she growled, "you don't need to see this."
"I'm not leaving," Dora wrapped her arms tightly around her aunt, applying a pressure hug to try to calm her. She had seen her mother do this with Bella when she started to get heated and was just hoping the pressure would help. She hated seeing her Aunt like this. "You need me here."
"You are wrong. I don't need anyone. And it's been made very clear that nobody fucking needs me," she hissed out, struggling to break free. She let out an animalistic scream, "let go of me!"
"No!" Dora said back in an equally frustrated tone, "you might not need me but I sure as fuck need you," she held on to her tighter, "I'm not leaving."
Bella struggled then stopped suddenly, a flood of tears cascading down her pale face, "I've lost her. Help me," Bella was trying to untie her corset, "I can't breathe," she was struggling to catch her breath. Dora quickly loosened the corset and Bella sucked in a great deal of air before she sank to the ground essentially pulling Dora down with her. Her niece refused to let go of her hold on the older woman. "I told her everything," she said in a whisper then screamed, "I told her everything!" She sobbed, "I was stupid to think that happiness would ever be a thing for a monster like me."
"You aren't stupid, aunt Bella and you aren't a monster," Dora said quietly, kissing her aunt's cheek. "It's not over yet. You told her you'd give her some space right?" Bella nodded once, "maybe she is still sorting through everything."
Bella started shaking. She was getting angry again, the whirlwind of emotions was taking over and she needed to calm down, quickly. "I think I need medicine. Can you get your mom? I need help."
"I don't want to leave you," Dora said quietly.
"I need Andy. She has the medicine. She'll help me." Bella sobbed, lowering herself to the floor in the fetal position. "Please, Dora."
Dora was sitting next to Bella looking down at her. She didn't want to leave even for a moment to go get her mother. Her aunt looked so small, so helpless. They didn't hear the doors to the library open, or the person carefully walking around so as to not step on any of the shattered glass. When Dora realized someone else was approaching the pair, she spoke, "fuck off mate, the library is for family only."
"Hi," the quiet voice of the bookshop owner filled the room causing both women to look up to see Hermione standing above them in her white ball gown, "I was told I might find you in here. Can we talk?"