Author's Notes/Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show "Lost". They were created by JJ Abrams and Damon Lindelof and they belong to them, Touchstone, and ABC.
Jack and Kate are going to have to get over this fear of themselves eventually. Now's as good as ever.
Before I begin, I'd like to say that I am using the title of a Snow Patrol album and basing each chapter on one of the songs. A friend told me to do this, and I thought I'd do so.
CHAPTER ONE: HOW TO BE DEAD
Jack sat alone in his cave, staring absently at the medical supplies, which he had taken note of at least twice already this week. He heard voices outside his cave, talking about the weather and about the baby as if it were completely normal to be stranded on an island in the middle of nowhere. He sighed and continued to stare at nothing in particular when he heard a soft cough, as if to win his attention. He turned quickly and saw Kate, looking bashful and ashamed of herself.
"Hey." She said quietly, her eyes darting to his face before moving away once more. He narrowed his eyes. Whatever she wanted, he wasn't going to give it to her.
"What do you need, Kate?" He asked her, and he felt part of him die when she took the impact from the harshness of his words as if someone had hit her. He watched her throat bob as she swallowed hard.
"I, um… I wanted to know if…" She paused, brushing some hair behind her ear. "If we could talk."
He raised his eyebrows. It was unlike her to act this way. It was unlike her to seek him out, especially now. They weren't exactly on speaking terms. Not after she'd followed them. His heart felt near empty, as if she'd punctured holes in it, letting the blood flow out slowly. Painfully. He'd dreamt about her doing this exact thing the night before, and she had been enjoying herself. He nodded, and she sighed, visibly relaxing.
"If I tell you the truth…" She paused, her mouth moving but her eyes narrowing as she searched for the right words. "Give me a chance to explain everything… please."
He nodded slowly, motioning for her to sit. She did so hesitantly, as far away from him as possible. She took a deep, shaky breath and looked at the wall above his head, avoiding him completely.
"I killed my dad." She said, and then pursed her lips together tight, her eyes still fixed on the cave wall. His heart seemed to freeze and rot at the same time. He'd kept her from talking to him, being near him, for almost two weeks now. He'd watched her grow pale and tired looking, spending time with Sawyer until Sawyer took the guns. He didn't want to talk to her unless she was sure she wouldn't turn back to that southern idiot.
"He hurt my mother, Jack. He hurt me." She said quietly. He refused to acknowledge her voice anymore. He didn't want to know her dirty secrets. He wanted her to tell him that she loved him, not Sawyer. She kept her eyes trained on the wall, as if holding a conversation with it, when she spoke softly and slowly.
"You don't know what happened and you never will if you don't listen to me." She said, finally tearing her gaze from the wall to look at him for a moment. "I love you. I want the same thing now that I wanted when… when we… Tell me what's wrong. I won't give up, I promise."
"You can't always get what you want, Kate! You can't use me and then expect me to let you trick me again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. It's your fault that you got kidnapped! It's your fault that you're a murderer! It's your fault that we aren't more than two angry survivors! You keep messing up, Kate, don't you? Picking fruit when we need you! When I need you! You don't talk to anyone! You don't let yourself SMILE!" He said, his voice raising and his hands moving into the air as if he wanted nothing more than to grab his things and throw them at her, at the walls, at everything. She looked at her hands, folded in her lap, wishing he would stop. She didn't want to be here, but she knew he'd given her some time and he would want her to talk to him eventually. "Why can't you take some of the blame, Kate? I'm tired of blaming myself for what happens to you! It's exhausting! You're not a kid and I shouldn't have to look after you!"
"You didn't hear a word I said." She said quietly. He was left breathing heavy, his chest rising and falling heavily. "It can't all be my fault. I haven't made half the mistakes you've listed so far. I'm trying to explain to you that I do blame myself. It seems like I keep stepping over these lines you're drawing again and again. I'm tired of doing everything wrong. I love you."
He didn't respond, so she sighed and stood up slowly, leaving Jack to stare into no-man's-land.