Chapter 4

Lost into you

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

Note: I am so happy you guys are enjoying this. Also, thank you for the comment on Derek's last name, noted:)

'I'm gonna teach you
And keep you for myself
Gonna take you by the hand
And walk you to my house
So I can hear you...'

The Dead Weather- I can't hear you

1.

'I-I-I am not having a panic attack, you're- you're having a panic attack.' protested weakly Meredith, still clinging to his arms as if it was the only thing holding her standing.

'I assure you, sweetheart, I'm not,' he chuckled at her stubbornness at admitting any weakness. It fascinated him. 'You're a surgical intern, so I know that you have steady hands. And right now you're shaking like a leaf.'

'Don't call me sweeth-!' She kept trying to breathe, panicking by the lack of control she had over her own body.

'Meredith, just- ugh...' he struggled to figure out what to do. It was rare that he felt so surprised by a woman, but she kept him on his heels. 'Meredith, what's going on? What happened? Have you eaten anything? Did anything happen? Sit down, okay, can you sit down for a moment?'

He helped her as she leaned on the wall and gently slid down to a sitting position. Her hands were still shaking. He knelt next to her.

'Okay, talk to me, what's going on?'

'It's-it's- my mother- my mother-'

Recognition crossed his face. 'I saw.'

'She has Alzheimer's and my friends are my colleagues- and my colleagues are my friends and they are always around, and I can't- I can't- hear my own thoughts. And that's fine- most days that's fine- and now- now she's here, and I can't-I can't-'

She'd kept herself functional by tightly separating certain parts of her life. Divide and conquer. Making sure these parts don't mix, ever. And now- now everything was mixed and messy and she didn't even know where to begin.

'Okay, okay. It's okay. Just breathe.' His brows furrowed, trying to decide what to do. He hated how much pain there was in her voice when talking about her mother. And for most of what she said, there wasn't much he can do whatsoever.

'Meredith, look at me.' She lifted her gaze, her eyes still blurry like she only half-saw him. 'I need you to trust me, okay, can you do that?'

She nodded, but there was some hesitation in the way she looked at him.

'I just need you to wait here. Don't get up, don't go anywhere, just wait. Please?'

'W-what-'

'Just trust me, okay? I'll be back really soon, I promise.'

2.

Thankfully for him, she had followed his directions. She'd considered not doing that, but her feet still felt shaky. When he came back, he'd handed her a candy bar from the machine and gently directed her to his car. Now they were on the ferry to Bainbridge Island, and she was finally starting to feel like herself, which left way too much free space for questions.

'Are kidnapping me? Where are we going?'

'You agreed to come with me, so no, no kidnapping here.' He gave her a relieved smile. 'And we're going home.'

'Home?'

'I live in a trailer in the forest right now. It's not ideal, but it will have to do. It is extremely peaceful and quiet though.'

'You live in the forest?'

'I bought some land there, yes.'

She looked at him interested now. Most doctors she knew wanted fancy apartments as close to the hospital as possible. Derek had chosen to live a ferry away. He shrugged his shoulders at her puzzled look.

'It's quiet. I like the quiet. Grew up with four sisters, I can relate to not hearing your own thoughts.'

She smiled, wondering if she should be thankful or impressed. And then another thought crossed her mind.

'I was supposed to do pre-ops. And post-ops. And-'

'I talked to Bailey. It's okay. She said she already asked you to take the day off. So take the day off.'

'It's most certainly not okay! I'm an intern, I have a responsibility to-'

'You only have a responsibility to keep yourself healthy, first and foremost.' He argued softly, looking at her with his deep blue eyes. She felt full of stress and nerves and worries, a lot of which she couldn't even untangle yet, but he felt so calm. At peace. Something she didn't see on him much at the hospital, except in surgery. Maybe there was something to the whole sleeping in nature thing. Maybe she could afford a couple of hours...

'Okay.' She said quietly, afraid her voice would shake.

'Okay. Now, eat your candy.' He insisted, and she blushed.

'I'm fine.'

'It will help your blood pressure settle.'

'I said I'm fine.'

He rolled his eyes. She was going to be a challenge, he could already see that.

3.

'Run, Derek! We'll get wet!' Meredith got out of the car and pulled him by the hand towards the trailer he'd driven them to. His trailer. She'd been pale and quiet for a long time. She'd fought him on eating for quite a while, but finally had relented. The sugar had brought up her blood pressure and her face finally had color again.

He'd tried telling her that as a doctor she should know when to eat. She'd made a face at him like she was a student scolded by her parents and he laughed, and forgot why he was frustrated. Now she was finally acting like herself. He'd wanted to have her spend some time in nature, have dinner, relax. Unfortunately for him by the time they arrived it the rain was pouring down so hard, you couldn't take a step without becoming soaking wet.

Finally, in the trailer, he closed the door and moved his attention to her. They were both soaking wet and his plan was falling apart by the minute. Could anything, just one thing, go by plan ever since he'd left his old life behind?

'Meredith. Let me get you some clothes' he dug a bit in the tight wardrobe, pulling out sweatpants, a flannel shirt, and a t-shirt. They were going to be too big on her, but it was better than sitting in wet clothes. 'I can turn around. Or go in the bathroom or something.' Some bathroom, it was barely enough to hold a toilet and shower and a fully grown person inside, but there wasn't much privacy in a trailer, and he wanted her to be comfortable.

There was barely enough space between them, too. He could swear he could hear her heartbeat, but maybe it was his imagination.

In any of his plans to bring her here, he hadn't planned for how little space there was. He hadn't planned much, whatsoever, had he? The rain hadn't taken much out of that strawberry scent and the running had given some lovely color to her cheeks. Why had he brought her here? Ever since he met her it was like he planned to act one way, and then did the complete opposite, unable to resist her.

'Derek' she said softly and he wanted her to keep saying his name like that.

He looked at her and realized he'd been staring at her for a bit, lost in his thoughts.

'Have you been in the locker room in the hospital? We're all too exhausted to care who we change in front of. So if you don't mind... I mean, it's just body parts, we all have them.'

But not all are equal, he thought and chuckled. Her brows furrowed. 'What?'

'Nothing. It's fine. You can change in front of me. I promise I'm not some caveman. You're safe with me.'

To his relief, she grinned back at him, relaxed again. She let her coat and her bag fall on the floor, and fought out of her scrubs and the shirt underneath, wet and sticking to her body. He was trying to be an adult. He was at least 10 years older than her. He could keep his cool around a woman changing. But then something caught his attention and he was staring again, making her blush furiously.

She was wearing a wireless triangle-shaped bra, made out of transparent black material, non-transparent only at the lining. And exactly in the center of each triangle were big black lacy roses, covering her nipples. She'd paired that with non-transparent black lacy boy shorts. He stared at her.

'I thought we were going to be adults.' she chuckled quietly and he swore under his breath. Maybe I am a caveman, after all.

'It's just- that's not really what one wears under scrubs- I mean comfort and all considering.'

'You must've thought a lot about what people wear under scrubs...' She chuckled and he coughed uncomfortably.

'Damnit, Meredith.'

She chuckled again.'Sorry. This was... meant to impress...' She stopped again, realizing it's him it was meant to impress, but she couldn't say that.

Suddenly he was way too close to her and she had to look up to look at him. He was close enough that she could feel his breath, yet he wasn't touching her. 'Tell me that wasn't for my benefit.' He muttered, his voice hot in her ear. His eyes were darker now, and she couldn't read him much. He sounded... angry almost. It confused her. Clearly, he appreciated how she looked, unless she was wrong and she was making an utter fool of herself, reading into things. She trembled, self-conscious now, and the shame bloomed on her cheeks in brick red blotches like it was never really gone. Good job, Meredith, already screwing up. Shouldn't have eaten that candy bar.

'If you are going to tell me to eat more salads before I wear something like that, I will seriously kick you.' She mustered with all the stubbornness she could gather.

He stared at her like she'd lost her mind. Of anything she could have said that he could have argued with, resisted- this was not what he expected. At all.

'I mean it.' She warned, furiously blushing, and looking around her to locate the shirt he'd offered. He swore, his chest suddenly crashing against her, his arms enveloping her, his arms playing with her hair. His lips crashed on hers in hot kisses.

'Damn it, Meredith. Is that what you think? that I don't find you attractive? That you don't look perfect wearing this and all I can do is try to control myself...'

All of a sudden her back was against the kitchenette cabinets and his hands were playing with her back, her hair, pulling at her, hot and passionate. All of a sudden he was kissing her, like he was a man drowning and she was his salvation. A tiny little push of his hands around her waist and she was sitting on the counter, her legs wrapped around his waist, the black lacy boy shorts feeling like there was too little material between them. She couldn't come up for air, their faces mashing in an all-encompassing kiss, her body all wrapped around his somehow. He was covering her neck in kisses, his hands exploring the tiny bra she was wearing. She moaned, arching her back a little intuitively and felt him squeeze her a little harder, more intensely, caught up in her reactions. Caught up in her.

She wrapped her hands around his neck, leaning in the kiss, closer to him. She felt him, pulling her hips closer, playing with her belly button, and then the lace of the boy shorts. It was hot and indulging and very hard to keep her head straight.

5.

Suddenly, panic came rushing through her body, and she struggled to push him away. One moment they were kissing- and the next she was hectically looking around herself, putting space between them, her whole face red and her eyes shifting. Finally, she saw the shirt, and slid her hands into it, wrapping it around her body like it was a robe(which wasn't far off, considering the size).

'Did I push you? Did you not want this?' He brushed his hand through his hair in confusion, and all she wanted was to be in his arms. Her body wasn't in agreement, her heart speeding, reminding her... He swore and took a step, to get closer, to comfort her, and she stepped back. 'Meredith.'

She couldn't breathe. Couldn't talk about it, wouldn't. The tears prickled at the back of her eyes. She was suffocating, and she stepped backward, blindly finding her way to the door. She didn't realize she'd stepped outside until the cold wind hit her like a wave and her bare feet stepped on the wet wooden porch out of the trailer.

'Mer' He pleaded and she took another frantic step back.

'Stay. Please. We won't do anything you don't want. I promise. I didn't mean to scare you.'

'I am not scared!' She protested furiously. She wasn't. She couldn't find the words to explain the chaos and panic in her head. Fear was straightforward. This was a bloody mess.

'Meredith.' His blue eyes were burning through her now, her tiny hands wrapping the shirt around her body, shivering in the cold outside. 'Come in. I won't do anything you don't want, I promise.'

'I'm not scared.'

'Really? Because you're in the rain in your underwear, and you're shivering and you won't let me come closer-'

'I hate you.' she hissed, but squeezed beside his body and through the door, to his relief. She found the t-shirt and sweatpants, and curled up in bed, while he made hot tea in silence. Finally, he put a tray in bed and joined her, sitting crisscrossed on the other side of the bed. Far enough from her. Well, that was one way to forget his old life fast, he swore quietly.

He handed her a steaming cup of hot tea and pointed to the bottle of scotch on the bed table.

'Want it Irish? Or you know, whatever tea and scotch is.'

She nodded, calm and collected as if she had not been in the same scene with him just a while ago. He poured some Scotch in both of their cups and handed her a plate with food on it, grabbing one himself. That was way too much adrenaline for one afternoon.

'That is amazing,' she muttered, tasting the dish.'What is it?'

'Red thai curry chicken. It's really easy if you buy the red curry paste already prepared actually.'

She nodded. 'It's really good.'

'You said that.'

Confusion arose on her face and she took a big gulp of the tea/scotch combo. That burned her throat, though it wasn't nearly as helpful as she'd hoped.

'So what happened?' He asked softly, trying not to scare her. 'If you're not attracted to me- or if you didn't won't- I'd never push you into anything- please tell me what happened?'

'Nothing.'

'Has anyone hurt you before? You know...'

She blushed. Damn it. F**k. Did he really need to be that kind? She wasn't sure how to work with that. Wasn't really something she was used to. 'Ughm,no...'

Not in the way you mean, at least. She took another big gulp of the tea, happy that it was burning through her insides.

'So what happened?'

More tea. She pushed the food aside, no longer hungry at all. 'Nothing happened.'

'Really? Because there was that night in your home, and then now. You act like you want to be with me and then you panic. I'm not stupid'

'I can't-'

'Meredith.' there was sadness on his face now, and she hated being the cause of this. All of a sudden, she pushed the stuff between them aside, rose to her knees and wrapped her body around his in a huge hug, sitting in his lap and burying her face in his shoulder. The shame and the alcohol were burning through her stomach. Why couldn't she act like a normal human again? Had she completely forgotten how to be normal? She wasn't saying anything, burying herself in the hug, but he could feel her shiver, for a long time. He wrapped his hands warmly around her, as gently as he could. He was frustrated to no end, but he wanted to protect her, from whatever was happening in her. He held her until she stopped trembling and slowly fell asleep.