Chapter 8
Seeing Red
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)
Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.
Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.
1.
'Get up, GET UP!' Cristina pulled the covers off of her bed and the world came crashing into perspective.
The pieces of the previous day mashed back and forth in her head, the headache expanding by the minute.
'Let me sleep!' She pulled the pillow over her head, but that only helped for a minute before Cristina pulled the pillow as well.
'Drink this!' Always pragmatic, Cristina put a big mug in front of her. Meredith almost gagged, just from the smell of it.
'Get THAT away! Are you trying to poison me?'
'No- though that could give me some more practice time- No, dummy, drink this! Now!' Reluctant, Mer started drinking, and almost threw it up again. Managing to keep that down was definitely an achievement in her book, especially on a day like this one. She was sure Cris had downed a fair share of shots last night as well, but she sounded completely rested and awake.
'How do you think I managed to party and still be on top of every class I've taken? Except for my exceptional mind, of course. Drink more'
Mer obliged, making faces the entire time. 'Jesus, what did you put into this?' She shook her head, trying not to return it back the same way she'd drank it. The fog in her head, however, was starting to lift. She wasn't sure that was a good thing.
'Oh, you know, honey, vinegar, this and that...'
Mer coughed after the next sip but finally started getting ready for her day.
2.
The date was long and devoid of color. Cases came and went. She did her duty like a puppy. She did her job like an adult that wasn't just railroaded into being a mistress. Like she wasn't already hearing the rumors around the hospital. She was fully awake now, thanks to Cristina, but she couldn't escape these fleeting flashes. She and Derek, stolen moments they had on his trailer, and on the ferry ride. Seeing his strikingly beautiful wife walk straight towards her, the truth coming in full focus suddenly. She must be the worst judge of men? How else had she found herself in such a mess again and again? And all day, all she could think was how much she still craved being near him.
She knew it was wrong, she knew it deep in every cell of her body. You always think that, don't you? That if you do something awful, something horrible, you will know it. Understand it, feel it. That doing something wrong would always feel wrong. She knew what cheating meant, being the other woman. It was all so clear and black and white on paper. But in reality, all she could feel was the shock. All she could feel was a craving to be near him, for the world to feel normal again, like she was a planet that lost its gravity. Like she couldn't help herself. It had taken so much out of her to start letting him in, to start feeling... hopeful, for once. Safe.
Well, that didn't last long now, did it?
'He shouldn't have survived this, you know? So it has to be for a reason, you know?' George was talking to her in the elevator, about his latest patient. She had zoned out, staring at Derek's back in the elevator. They hadn't said more than hello, both trying to be professional, but she could feel the tension even without looking in his face.
George apparently couldn't, still talking about his patient. The guy had fallen off of a building and had come off with barely anything but a scratch. And now George had taken it as his mission to help him find purpose. Meredith shook her head at her optimism. She couldn't see much of that today. Finally, he got off the elevator, and Derek turned back to face her.
She wanted to yell at him. But he looked at her in his calm, warming way, and he took a step towards her. And suddenly he was hugging her, and she put her arms around his neck and he just pulled her close. And the whole world was normal again. Like they were lost at sea and finally saw land. She wanted it to feel wrong, but all she could feel was his warmth, his longing, for her. That feeling of calmness, spreading through her body. That feeling of trusting someone enough to let them see the worst of you. The feeling of home. And then the elevator slowed down, and they stopped hugging. Then the doors opened and she found herself staring straight at his beautiful wife. Finally, the shame felt its place in her stomach and she found herself walking away, once again. This time, full of resolve. He wasn't hers. None of this could happen again. She wasn't right, and he wasn't home. She had unintentionally broken a family. She couldn't deal with the fallout of another scandal ever again. Even if that meant giving up the one person that had made her open up again.
3.
The next time she saw him, she was running up the stairs to check up on her labs, and he was running in the other direction. He stopped instantly, although she ran right past him.
'Meredith!' She closed her eyes, sighing before she turned around to face him. She hesitated, the desire to continue speeding away from him still strong.
'What?' She faced him, her face stone-cold, though her heart was speeding. He wasn't who she thought he was, and that was all there was to it. Some lessons you could only afford to learn once. His brows furrowed in confusion at her.
'I thought...'
The anger started building, along with tears she couldn't allow him to see. She felt like there was a tide-turning within her like she had changed in ways she couldn't understand yet- or explain. Her eyes became tiny lines, while she tried to contain the anger and disappointment she felt.
'You thought what? What did you think, because-'
'That maybe you wanted to talk, because this morning-'
'No, no Derek, no. I do not want to talk. I don't want to talk! Ever. Again. Do you understand?'
'Mer-'
'No, okay. Because if you had thought, even for a second, you would not be talking to ME right now!'
'Meredith, you have to understand...' He reached out, squeezing her shoulder, one step closer, and she wavered. She could smell his cologne, she was so close- She closed her eyes, breathing deeply. Walk away. Walk away right now, before it gets worse. But she stood, unable to turn away. He reached out to caress her cheek, and she shook her head. He stopped.
'What do I have to understand? Just tell me, I would love to know!' She was close to yelling now, swaying in place trying to contain the anger. She didn't give him time to answer. 'Because you should know that your beautiful wife kindly had me on her service all day. And she was kind. And professional. And people are starting rumors already.'
'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please just let me explain...I understand how you feel, just give me a moment...'
'You UNDERSTAND? Do you?' She was so close to his face now, the anger spilling out of her and she pushed him. 'Do you really get it? Because if you f**cking did, you would not be standing here.'
'Mer, it's just a rumor. That's not the most important thing we should be talking about. I know it's not the most pleasant thing, but...'
He'd made a mistake, he saw it the moment he saw the anger drain out of her along with any color on her face. There was something else now, that he couldn't quite understand.
'Yeah, you're right. Just rumors. Couldn't do any damage, right?' She shook her face, disappointed, the pain blinding her.
'What happened? That, that look- what happened, Mer?' He stepped closer, his hands on both her shoulders, comforting her, and she craved that comfort like an addict. He was less than a step away, their foreheads almost touching. She held onto his arms to steady herself, and breathed, her nostrils flaring and her eyes darting back and forth, avoiding his gaze. And for a moment she was 18 again, 17, the night of her birthday. And she forgot to be professional, to be a doctor, to be a better person. She forgot she wasn't 17 anymore.
Her eyes locked with Derek's and her pupils so big that she could very well have been on drugs. Or else, really, really scared. She closed her eyes, and suddenly she was kissing him, her lips wet with tears, her hands pulling on his clothes, his hair, in desperation. She didn't want an explanation anymore, just absolution.
'Mer-' Trying to keep his head straight, while this gorgeous woman was rubbing all over him and kissing him, was something he had to be commended for, he thought. Then again, he had a lot of apologizing to do, too. 'Meredith-'
'Meet me tonight, can you meet me tonight at Joe's?' she was kissing his neck now, playing with his hair. She was using every tool in her power to distract him, and it was working. Finally, he put a hand between them, regretting every word he had to say.
'We can't do this. We need to talk-'
Her face became cold again. 'You don't want to meet me, fine. I don't want to talk.'
She was leaning on the wall, doing her best impression of being fine and unaffected. Had he not been here when she yelled at him, or decide to make out after- he would have believed her. He ran a hand through his hair in confusion and stepped closer to her, seeing how much effort it took her, to be calm. He tried to reach out, but she shifted, her eyes still not really focused, wide and confused.
'People will think what they think. Who would believe the drunk cheating party girl anyway, right? May as well do whatever the hell I wanna do, right?'
'Meredith? What happened?'
She shook her head, bitter. Her mind was spinning. She hastily dried her face. She hadn't let a person see her cry in 5 years, and now it was becoming a habit. She hated herself for it.
'I don't want to talk anymore.' She was cold and shivering and feeling really, really small. She pushed him away and shifted to the side, getting away from him.
'Mer-'
'Don't. Just don't. What the hell is the point anyway?' She ran away, her whole body tingling with emotions she was trying to avoid.
4.
Meredith walked past all her friends with a strange expression and handed Bailey the test results.
'Dr. Bailey, can we talk in private?'
'Just spit it out Grey, I don't have all day. What took you so long with the labs anyways?'
'May I have a personal day?'
'Are you sick? You look fine.' Good, because wasn't feeling it.
'May I take a personal day?' She repeated, biting her lips to blood waiting for the response. She could feel everybody's stares on her body. She was in luck because Bailey seemed to think that it was connected to her mother, and gave her the green light. This one time. She knew she wouldn't get another pass, and she sped to the changing rooms, avoiding the stares. That feeling rose through her again, searching for release. I may as well do whatever the hell I want to do. I may as well be that person, do whatever... who the hell cares anyway?
'Meredith!' The sound reached her as if she was underwater. When Cristina's words finally reached her she was already in the changing rooms, digging frantically through her bag. 'What the hell are you doing?' Meredith had shakily thrown the unhelpful bag on the floor and was now digging through her own locker, and few others, until Christina, held her by the shoulders, trying to reach her. 'Meredith! What are you doing?'
'Do you have any alcohol with you?'
Christina looked at her flabbergasted and confused. 'At work? No, I don't think so. Where are you going? What happened? Are you high?'
Meredith shook her head as if she hadn't heard much. 'I- I think I'm going to Joe's.'
'What? It's noon. What happened?'
Meredith shook off her friend's hands, and hastily took her bag and coat. 'I'll just- I'll see you at home- tonight- tomorrow- okay?'
She didn't wait for a response and headed out.