Chapter 9

The crazy person on your doorstep

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

1.

By the time Derek reached his trailer, he was just about ready to go to sleep. He'd just done a double in the OR and then spent a few more hours with his soon-to-be ex-wife. The latter felt a lot more exhausting. He didn't want to plead and negotiate and discuss the dissolution of their marriage. He wanted to quietly slip out of it, and move on with his life. Which was the plan, all up until the moment she'd shown up in Seattle. Now he'd had no choice. Her showing up, however, still stood to be the second more surprising thing so far. The first place was quickly held by Meredith. He had so many questions to ask her, but as long as she wasn't talking, that wasn't happening. Granted, he admitted to himself, his not-yet-ex showing up had not helped the matter much. He was so tired that he was staring at the ground the whole time while getting out of the car- which is why it took him a moment to realize that she was there.

Meredith was sitting on the wood platform in front of the trailer, drinking out of a bottle of wine.

'Mer?'

She looked straight at him, her eyes becoming two thin angry lines, and she stumbled getting up. 'She's not here. You were not here, where were you?'

'Why are you mad at me?'

'Where is she, is she coming?' She looked haunted at best, dark circles forming under her eyes.

He stepped to get closer to her, and she stumbled back, frantic and wobbly. The smell of alcohol hit him in the nose. He sighed, running fingers through his hair in frustration. Trying to understand her was like trying to understand a hurricane. 'She's not coming. She's at a hotel. We're negotiating the divorce.'

'Oh.'

'That's all you want to say? You came all the way out here, and this is all you want to say to me?'

Her lower lip trembled and she took a big sip of the wine bottle she was holding. Not strong enough. 'You weren't here.' She accused again, her voice heavy and bitter. In his absence, her thoughts had wandered into corners of her mind she didn't want to go into. And the more alcohol she drank, to her disappointment, the more vivid the memories circled in her, making her sick with anticipation and nauseous at the idea of herself in those memories. By the time he had shown up, she just about wanted to scratch her skin off, just to forget,

'I went to your place, silly.' He said softly, his attention finally focusing completely on her. He wanted to wrap his arms around her in a huge bear hug until she felt better. He didn't move, not wanting to spook her again.' And then to Joe's, since your roommates seemed to think you might be there.'

'Why?' her voice was hoarse and heavy with all the words she was biting back. 'I'm the crazy person that yelled at you and then ended up on your doorstep...'

'Meredith, what's wrong?'

'I know I don't deserve it, but can you please just be my friend tonight? I can't talk about marriages and us and all the things that I haven't- I can't... please just be my friend, please. Help me forget, please.'

She burst into tears, burying her face in her hands.

'Oh, honey.'

He moved closer carefully, and this time she didn't pull away. He wrapped his hands steadily around her, burying his face in her shoulder too, all wrapped around her and warming her up. He let her cry, rubbing her back the whole time. When he felt her breath steady and quiet down, he released her from the hug. Her face was all red and puffy, and she still looked insanely beautiful to him. He pulled her in the trailer quietly, never letting go of her hand. By the time they went in the trailer, it was already nearing 1 AM.

'Are you hungry?' She shook her hair negatively. 'Want to shower?' She nodded yes, and he got her a towel and a t-shirt and sweats to use as pajamas, and left her to use the shower. When she got out, he was in the bed in a t-shirt, with glasses on, reading something. When she came out, he quietly set the glasses and book on the nightstand and patted the bed with his hand as an invitation. There was nothing sexual in that, just warm and homey. She climbed on the bed just in her t-shirt and slipped under the covers, his arm wrapping warmly around her. For a moment, finally, she felt she could finally breathe. He stroked her hair, and he gently kissed her forehead, still hugging her to let her know she was safe.

'Meredith?' he muttered softly. He had some time to think over her actions while she was showering. She nodded, her face still buried in his chest. 'You have a lot of friends, roommates, people that clearly care about you. But you came to me-'

She nodded, feeling that moment was coming. The time when she'd have to start explaining herself. Sooner or later. She gave herself another second, her face buried in his chest, his hands keeping her safe and warm.

'They don't know.'

He took a moment to digest. 'That you haven't-'

'No-' She interrupted before he could say sex or virgin as if they were dirty words. Dirty, disgusting, ... she pushed the memory away. Ugly warmth rushed through her cheeks, and she tried keeping her feelings at bay. Oblivious to this, he was trying to focus on her, distracted by her soft legs, still warm from the shower, wrapped around his legs under the sheets. She'd used his shower gel, and it smelled a lot sexier on her. The feeling of her tiny warm body, wrapped around his, was enough to make sure he was fully awake. Her words on the other hand, worried him.

'Not even Cristina?'

Meredith shook her head negatively. 'I think they think I have been out every night. With you or with other guys.'

He hadn't seen that coming. 'Why? Why would you want-' His tone startled her and she pulled away from the hug, sitting up. He pulled her by the hand to stop her. 'Don't go.'

She sat in the bed next to him, bringing her knees to her chest, and he gently caressed her legs, her hands, forgetting his own needs for a moment.

'Just tell me.' he prompted, and they both knew what he meant.

She nodded, swallowed, the need to forget crawling through her. Nausea burned through her like acid. She knew why she came, and still, it didn't make this much easier. But she was tired, so tired of carrying this with her. She thought she'd just leave it behind her, in some dark corner of her mind. She thought if she just slept with someone- if she was no longer a virgin -she could rewrite her own history, leave the past behind. For 5 years she'd just concentrated on studying, being busy, and that worked. That worked until she decided to finally be with someone, and discovered that leaving everything behind wasn't going to be as easy as she had thought.

She opened her mouth to say it, and closed it again. She tried, again, and the words refused to come out. She couldn't feel anything besides this awful, nauseating feeling towards her own actions. Stop. Stop now, you disgusting, frigid... Weakness spreading through her body, she jumped towards him, planting her lips on his in desperation.

'Mer', he moaned, trying to keep his head on straight.

Her tongue played with his, her tiny body fullying burying itself in his, grinding over him. He could feel his own body respond. Her skin was soft as honey and hot, and she was shivering all over. Fact that he found ridiculously, crazy hot and adorable. Stop it, you have to talk to her. With one hand, she pulled the sheet from in between them, and now she was lying over him. One of his hands wrapped around her tiny waist and while his other hand played in her hair as she entangled him in devouring kiss, grinding all over him- oblivious to everything else. This time, it was much harder to resist her.

2.

'Mer' he groaned, unsure how much longer he could think straight enough to push her away.

Instead of pulling away, her hand slid down over the fabric of his pajama bottoms, feeling him hard and fully awake. Now, she was awake too. She was here, finally. Her eyes locked on his, clouded with desire, her bottom lip trembling. He kissed her softly, bit her bottom lip playfully, his hands exploring her body over her pajama bottoms. She shivered and moaned in response, making him even harder. She pulled over her bottoms, and now she was over him, just in t-shirt and lacy underwear, her hair soft, wild and curly under his fingers. Her response to every touch was maddening. Someone had to think straight. Someone had to stop this, but, dammit, her skin felt like silk, and he loved feeling her, hot and shivering and grinding over his body. It made him forget everything, New York, all the weird conversations, everything before or after this. Everything besides feeling her body over his. Blinded, caught up in the moment, he slipped his hand under her t-shirt, sliding from her stomach to her nipples, making tiny circles over them. She arched her back in response, and her hand tensed on his body.

No one had ever felt her like that, her bare skin. Everything that had happened before, it hadn't required more than just lifting- twisting, distracted for a second, she refused to give the thought any more power. Be here. Be in the moment. She felt herself slipping her own hands down, helping him get rid of his own bottoms, rubbing her hand over his length.

'Meredith.' he groaned in pleasure and hearing her own name like that made her move over his boxers. He could feel the heat and wetness, radiating off of her. Not thinking, he spun her around, pushing her hair aside, covering her neck in kisses. She took a sharp breath and he could feel her hands, holding onto his, dig a little bit into his in surprise, but he took it as nerves from the lack of experience. She hadn't said anything, her body still wrapped around his. He slid his fingers under her underwear, feeling her silky and wet under his fingers. Another moan came out of her, and she arched her back in response, trying to regulate her speeding heart.

'Derek'- she cried out, in desperate attempt to stay grounded, torn between desire and something that... he moved his fingers back and forth in her entrance, wanting to give her pleasure, to feel more of her, to feel her ready for him, hot and shivering and arching, and moaning his name. He pulled the shirt off her with her shaky help, covering her neck and breast with kisses, making circles over her nipples. The heat was rising through her in maddening waves, building up. She wanted him, wanted him in her, wanted him... Her hands were clinging onto his, and her eyes were clouded in desire.

'You're perfect' he said hoarsely, moving his hand between her legs in her silkiness, covering her in kisses. 'You can c**m for me. I want to feel you. I want to give you all the pleasure I can.' Caught in the moment, he didn't feel her still under him in an entirely different way.

3.

'You are so perfect' he said again, wanting to feel her arching, wanting him, again. Instead, her hips sharply tensed up around him, her body rigid and still, covered in sweat. She was still perfect and hot, but something was wrong. Her hands that were holding onto his for dear life until a moment ago, dropped on the side of her. Something was off, and he lifted his head to meet her gaze, to soothe her nerves. 'Mer?' Her hands flew to her mouth in panic, wanting to stop the sob about to escape. Her eyes burned like acid and she blinked furiously to try to get a hold of herself.

'What's wrong?' She was shivering now, in an entirely different manner, the words echoing in her head. 'You're so perfect.' The voice she was hearing now wasn't Derek's. She felt pressure, horrible, invading pressure and she wanted to scream. Caught on both sides by Derek's arms, she wiggled panicked under him, blinking furiously against the tears, no longer feeling her own body. 'Let go, let go, let me go.' She kept whispering hoarsely panicked, trying to wiggle out of his grip, unable to feel the tears that started sliding down her face, one of her hands still stifling the scream. Shut up, you frigid little bitch. The forgotten, familiar voice was ringing in her ears.

She was shaking like a leaf, and Derek moved to be on her side. He didn't want her scared or nervous- but this was beyond that, she was terrified. He didn't want to scare her but didn't want to leave her to her own devices in that state either, panicking in his trailer in the night.

'Meredith, Meredith' he was whispering, trying to smooth her hair, trying to get her to look at him. She was shaking so much he could hear her teeth grinding, and he covered both of them in a thick, soft, dark blue blanket, and wrapped his hands around her, hoping to soothe her down. 'It's okay, it's okay, it's okay' he kept whispering, wrapping his hands around her in a tight hug. "It's okay, you're safe, it's okay.'

'Let go, let me go.' She struggled, and the hug was making it worse. She was wiggling out of his grip in crazy panic and he finally let go. She slipped away to the edge of the bed. She wanted to run away, to run and run, but she couldn't even get up. The weakness overpowered her, and she sat back at the edge of the bed, facing away from him, sobbing in her hands hysterically. "I can't-I c-c-can't-I can't' she was sobbing, and shook in panic when he tried to touch her, her skin suddenly cold and sweating. 'I-I-I c-c-c-' She couldn't make a word and she sobbed in frustration as he stood, uncertain and afraid that touching would make it worse.

He put on his bottoms and got her a glass of water. He kneeled in front of her, smoothing her hair. She shivered at the touch and finally opened her eyes and looked at him, still sobbing, her chest heaving in her efforts to stop. Her eyes were wide open and scared, but she seemed to finally see him. She tried to get the glass from him and her hands shook so much that he had to help her out. The water was heaven on her dry lips, even though she almost coughed it out in between the sobs. He helped her drink and rubbed her back until the sobs started to quiet, kneeling in front of her, and not letting her avert her eyes.

'I'm here. You're okay. Just drink, okay. You're safe, I promise you're safe.'

He kept whispering, knowing deep down in his gut, that at some point, she hadn't been safe. That something really terrible had happened to her, and there was no way he could erase that. But he kept whispering because he had to be there for her. A part of him knew that he wanted to be there for her, always, and to protect her somehow, from ever feeling like this again.