Chapter 10

All in

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

'No good for me or my frame of mind, I think about you all the time
A pretty little thing could wreck me 25. Just say the words and I'm all ears
Let's turn a drink into five years...
Spend my money, oh honey, come and bleed me dry

I came here to be someone else, I found you and I found myself' -The Vamps, Married in Vegas

Author's note: This chapter is a bit darker, but I had to go there. Hopefully more nice times are coming in the story, but this chapter had to be there, for context.

1.

They laid awake, each on their own trying to digest what had just happened. They had a few hours only until they had to be in the hospital. Derek was thinking of the girl he had met the first night in the bar. Just a beautiful girl in a sleek black dress, with haunting blue eyes. The girl he wanted for a night, that was somehow becoming more and more entangled in his world by a minute. All the sides he'd seen to her- beautiful, witty, angry, smart, vulnerable, seductive. He thought about this night. After everything Addison, he should have wanted to run in the opposite direction. He didn't want complicated, not right now. But her, he wanted her. He didn't want to run, he wanted to know more, know everything, do everything. He wanted her in his world and the other way around, whatever that entailed.

Meanwhile, Meredith was feeling sick for allowing him to see her like that. It made her want to scratch off her own skin. She hated letting anyone see her like that, but let alone the guy that was supposed to be a one-night stand. The guy she had trusted with way too much information and she was getting way too attached to. She couldn't think about this anymore, she couldn't think about the situation she had put him in, so dangerously close to the truth. There was a reason she had not had a boyfriend in 5 years. And didn't plan on having one either. She couldn't think about the hospital, or the claustrophobic feeling of so many people living in her house, or about her mother or anything remotely close to what happened with Derek last night. Her stomach was revolting in knots and spasms and her throat burned at the idea. Finally, she slipped in the darkness, and there was a relief, for just a brief moment.

And in the darkness, she felt it, hands sliding over her exposed legs while she was laying pushed over the couch that night. Meredith twisted in her sleep, on her stomach, on her back, on her side, covered in a cold sweat. Finally, her eyes shot open, and that feeling was back, that desire to slip away from reality or scratch off her skin. She looked at her phone. Too late to sleep, too early to be up. The feeling rose in a wave of nausea through her.

Derek thought and thought, and didn't realize he'd fallen asleep until the noises of the fridge and cupboards opening woke him up. It was a small trailer and he wasn't used to other people being there.

'Mer?' he said softly, rubbing his eyes to wake up. 'What?'

'Nothing. Go to sleep.' Her throat was tight and swollen from the crying, and her voice came out hoarse and scratched.

He sat up, running fingers through his unruly hair, looking confused, and all she wanted was to cuddle into his warmth. But that was a mistake. Trust was a mistake, leaving you one step away from people being able to just stomp all over you. She opened the tequila bottle she'd just found and took a few burning sips, digging her hands into the cup to hide they were shaking.

'Come back to bed'

She took a few more sips, but it wasn't helping. He knew. Maybe he didn't know details, but he knew enough. Another sip. His words came far and blurry. In the fog of fear surrounding her, she felt him get up, and hug her tightly from behind, breathing in the smell of her unruly hair.

'What's wrong?'

'You mean besides last night?'

He laughed dryly. 'Yeah. Yeah, I guess.'

'Why are you still around?'

'It's my trailer.'

'You know what I mean.'

'Come back to bed.'

'Okay, but the bottle is coming with me.'

'I think that's fair' He laughed, and gently pulled her in. Back into bed. Back into the safety of his arms. She hated that she liked that. She knew it wouldn't last, so why bother? But she didn't have the energy to fight it.

2.

It was a while before she spoke. He kept hugging her warmly and staring at the ceiling, listening to her breathing.

'I'm sorry.' she managed. More tequila. It was keeping her breathing. Like water, or air, or keeping her past to herself.

'Why are you sorry?' he asked, not moving his hands from around her tiny body, wanting to protect her from her own demons.

'I ruined...' she started embarrassed, bitter, and her voice trembled, unable to say it.

'Oh honey.' he tried to hug her tighter, and she started to panic again under his hands, so he retracted. 'I'm sorry. I didn't want to push you into something you're not ready for.'

She tried to laugh, and it almost came out like a cry. 'I was ready. I wanted to be ready.'

'What happened?' She shook her head again, and stilled, not breathing, not wanting to say anything, not a word of that night or the awful months after.

3.

She shook off his hands, pulling a bit away from him in the bed. More tequila. The time stretched like honey, sticky and sweet and nauseating. She couldn't say a word. He was letting her speak, maybe thinking it was making it easier on her. It wasn't. She focused her red-rimmed eyes on the cup in her hands. Anywhere, besides his face.

'It's so f**king stupid, it's not like I was raped, it's was just this stupid thing-it's been 5 years, who cares?' She kept her eyes tightly closed as if she could wish away her whole existence. He caressed her hair, trying to soothe her.

'Honey, just tell me. You're scared since we met. Just talk to me'

She pulled her knees closer, leaning her head on them, exhausted of trying to escape this. 'I'd been dating this guy, Ben, for years. Ever since I was 11, until 18. It was all romantic, at first. And for a long, long time.' For a moment, it was easy to talk. It was as if she was telling a story about someone else. Derek was still caressing her hair, or holding his hand on her back, and these small gestures made her feel safe. 'I thought he was it. We talked about marriage. We talked about family. We partied a lot. Anything I was forbidden to do, we did together. Partied for days, drank, danced, got tattoos. I was trying to prove something to my mom, I guess. Being a doctor hadn't yet even crossed my mind. We drank a lot, and I never even felt weird about it, as long as I was with him, I felt safe. We had made out a lot, even talked about-'

She took a pause now, gathering her thoughts.

'Mer, did he-'

She shook her head negatively. 'No. We had talked about it, but we hadn't- done much more than make out. Actually, we had started fighting a bit for a while. I thought he was cheating on me, and I was cruel- I yelled at him-'

'You were a teenager, Meredith.'

'It doesn't matter. I was stupid. I let myself put myself in so many situations that I shouldn't have. And I guess I was lucky, for the most part. For most nights. Most, not all. And so then my birthday came, and he wasn't there. Maybe he was really cheating, I don't know. Or maybe he was just mad. Anyway. My mom was away, and I had this party in my house, and he didn't come. Everyone was there, my whole class, and he wasn't there.'

'How old were you?'

'It was the day of my 18th birthday. I was so mad. We'd wanted to be each other's first, we had planned to wait for my birthday, and then... he wasn't there. I was mad and I got stupid drunk- I felt safe, you know. The way you do when you're young and stupid. The way you do when you get drunk from way too little alcohol because you're not used to it. We hung out often with my best friend, her boyfriend, and one more male friend. We'd hung out since I was a child, why would I not trust them?'

His hand was still on her back, a little more tense, afraid of where the story was going.

'Anyway. I was drunk- more drunk than I should have- and I had somehow found myself alone in one of the rooms with my friend's boyfriend and his friend. Her boyfriend, he was flirting with me, and I was drunk and mad at my boyfriend for not showing up and being an idiot, so I didn't cut him off right away. I should have, but I didn't. Maybe I thought that because our other friend- Joye- was still there then somehow it was all fun and jokes. I was stupid and drunk. I was ignorant-'

'Mer-'

'He was- he was trying to massage me, and he kissed me. I still thought he was j-joking-' He stayed with his hand on her back, but didn't say anything, he didn't want to stop her. 'And then Joye closed and locked the door, and I still didn't- I don't know how- One moment Liam kissed me and I was laughing and joking that he was too drunk. The next moment, Joye was trying to undress me and pulling on my clothes from behind, and Liam's hands were under my skirt, pulling my underwear off, and I was somehow on the couch with him over me, and Joye on the other side, and he was too strong...He didn't- I'm still a virgin'

'I told him, I told him that but he was laughing, and I couldn't push him away, and he was saying it's fine, that we can- that I can still be a virgin. That there are other ways...Somehow he had pushed me on my stomach with his whole weight over me, and he'd torn my underwear, and he -he- he was trying- he was saying I'd still be a virgin and not to worry and I could feel him- trying- trying to-and -and Joye, he was taking care of himself, pushing himself in my face trying to get me to-to '

'I don't know how I got away before anything worse happened, but I did- It's all these pieces of memories spinning. Somehow I got away, and they yelled after me, called me frigid bitch and tease.'

'Did you report them?'

She shook her head. 'Derek, I can't- Besides, this isn't even the end of the story, not by a long shot'

'It's okay. We don't have to go over it at once. I'm here for you.'

She'd kept calm the whole time and now the embarrassment and pain reminded her that this wasn't just a story and it had happened. To her. ' And now I'm the stupid chaotic idiot that's still a virgin at 23 and I just hate-'

'Meredith.' She looked at him now. 'This was not your fault, you know that, right? And if they ever came back into your life I'd kill them in a heartbeat, for you.'

'I'm just so stupid, I just- for a second I thought it was fine, that I can just be with you, and-' She was looking away, humiliated.

'And when we tried-'

'It just keeps coming to me in flashes, it's like I can feel it, and -what if I never-'

'Meredith, I promise you, you're safe. We can do, or not do, anything you want. We're not in any rush.'

She believed him, for some reason, but it didn't make her feel any less bitter. She looked at the phone and sighed, drunk and woozy and bitter.

'We need to go to work.' She said, the alcohol still making her feel far and surreal.

He looked at her and the bottle. It was half empty, and it amazed him that she was even coherent given how tiny she was. 'Just wait here. Wait.' he re-affirmed as if she was planning to run. He wouldn't put it past her. She shivered alone in bed, hearing him talk on his phone outside of the trailer.

'We-' He was about to say that he'd taken a sick day for the both of them- but by the time he was back, she had fallen in some exhausted, delirious sleep. One moment she was awake, and the next, she just slipped into heavy, messy darkness, and the world tilted and sank into the darkness.