Easter Sunday
by AC
prompt:easter2nd personbenny ficyay angst
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You used to hate suits. They used symbolized emotional death and conformity, boring weddings and Corporate America. They used reminded you of sitting in the church, quiet and lonely, where every little noise sounds like it could shake the whole place down.
You used hated going to church on Easter in particular. Because no matter how many people are there, it feels like you're desperately alone. Like the preacher is staring right down at you, and telling about how you nailed our Savior to the cross, and how you are guilty for his pain.
You try not to flinch when you loosen the tie around your neck in front of the church, and you try not to look anyone straight in the face when you enter. Her hand is pressed right into yours, and seems so small and childlike in comparison to your hand, even though you've never regarded yourself as a large person.
You're scared for her, but you're scared for yourself too. These were the scattered remains of your best friends, and they're all in ruins now. They're all odd ghosts of what they were back when you knew them well, and as you realize this, you realize you're only a mere shard of what you were, too.
You know if you cry, it won't be for the drag queen you never cared about. You know if you cry it'll be for Collins- who was always there for you even when you turned on them. It'll be for Mark- because you always knew how scared he was of being alone. It'll be for Mimi- because she needs you now. It'll be for Roger- because you angered the jealous creature in him and made him the bad guy. It'll be for you- because you are guilty for all this pain.
You know when you hear the sound of your footsteps on the floor of the church that it's going to be a long night. You know when Mimi first starts crying into your shoulder and holding your hand like it's the last thing she has left that she really wishes it was Roger's. You know when Collins goes up there to talk about Angel and his eyes lock on you; you know that he wishes you were there to know him...her...and tries not to condemn you for it but does with out meaning to. You know that when Maureen brushed your shoulder roughly when you tried to enter the pew that it was her own little way of expressing her disapproval of you. You know when Roger sends you glares from across the church, biting his lip, that he's mourning over two things- the loss of Angel and the loss of Mimi. You know when Mark gave you that small little insincere grin outside the church that he doesn't mean it, and that he's just as upset with you as the rest of them are.
And suddenly, it's Easter Sunday, and you're sitting in the church pew.
You're ten and the tie is too tight and you can feel the sweat in your dress shoes as you uncomfortably listen to how their pain is all your fault.
Suddenly, it's Easter Sunday, and even though everyone you'd ever need is around you, you're alone.