Chapter 11
Slumber
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)
Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.
Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.
1.
The darkness came and went, heavy and overpowering. Exhausted, Meredith had finally relinquished control, and the nothingness swallowed her. The world stopped existing for a moment. No terms to learn, obsessive schedules to juggle between the hospital and her mom's care, no worry about her family, no idle chitchat in her home filled with intrusive friends when all she'd wanted was oblivion. Hazy from the alcohol, she woke up to throw up once- and did not remember a thing. There was a bittersweetness to giving up- giving in- relinquishing every secret you'd held on to for dear life. It was a temptation she had resisted for a long time. And when the dam broke- it really broke.
She'd held everything so tightly in herself for 5 years as her life depended on it, and now it had all unraveled, and she slept. Heavy, hazy, dizzy sleep. She'd tried getting up a few times after the light from the windows had hit the bed. She'd tried to get up when she intuitively felt Derek getting up. She'd managed to pull her upper body up propped on her elbow, and then the darkness came again like she had a fever. Every connection to the world was severed for a moment and she sank into the feeling, gladly.
She'd talked in her sleep too, crying non-sensically, and Derek had just wrapped her tightly in the blanket, and in his arms. She'd eventually quieted down, and he'd taken some time off work, to watch over her.
2.
Slow and heavy, the world came into focus. She didn't want to come out of the darkness, but eventually, the heavy dizziness receded and the world filled with sensations again. The light was falling in a different way now, golden and stunning through the blue sky peeking in the windows. She just stared at the ceiling of the trailer for a moment, breathing in the fresh and unfamiliar air. She tried to get up and laid back down again, trying to place where she was, why she was there, why everything felt so far and disconnected.
'Slow down. You slept for a long time.'
She opened her mouth to say something, but her throat was too dry. She winced, closed her eyes, and tried again. She slid back down, hugging the blanket, which was a beautiful dark navy color, and warmed her nicely. The physical weakness was still going in waves through her body as if she'd been sick the night before. She'd rarely felt this weak, even after being hungover. Derek sat on the edge of the bed, handing her a steaming hot cup of coffee. With some hesitation, he left the cup on the nightstand, and came to help her sit up, and rearrange some pillows behind her back. She drank the hot liquid gratefully, scared to ask. Then the coffee rose up in her throat, and she threw up again, in the bucket set next to the bed. Derek got up and returned with some meds for her headache, which she was too weak to complain about.
'Are you okay? You slept a long time and still look kind of pale.'
'Jee, thank-k-ks.' The words cracked her throat. The trailer was coming in and out of focus, and the darkness was returning in waves of black stars exploding in front her eyes. He came to feel her forehead. She tried to make a joke and move away, but the world was blurry again. She rose to reach the bucket just in time to throw up again, and then the darkness came back.
She felt his fingers on her forehead and mumbled something incoherent.
'Shh. You're burning up. I think we have to get you to the hospital.'
She tried to get up in a panic. 'No hospital.'
'Meredith, you're burning up. And you've been throwing up a few times all day-' Did he say few? And 'day'?
'No hospital. No hospital.' She managed, manically trying to push his hands away, but too weak to really do much. 'Please promise me-'
'Okay, okay.'
'-no hospitals. Please-' To her relief, she didn't remember anything more.
3.
When she awoke, it was daylight again, and everything in her life seemed far away. At least everything finally felt... normal. She'd slept, and the world finally felt clear. The trailer smelled of pine trees and ommlettes. She knew soon she'd have to face reality, but couln't yet. Everything in her wanted to panic, but she pulled back that voice. One step a time.
She rose to a sitting position, hugging her knees and trying to fix her hair with her fingers. He turned over from the kitchenette corner, still stirring the eggs, and smiled at her. The eyes were piecing blue and she loved the light in them when he smiled at her.
'Hey, sleepyhead. You up for some food?'
She nodded and stretched. She got up, wearing his t-shirt, and squeezed in the tiny kitchen bench. Her cheeks finally had color. and he gave her a light kiss. They ate in silence- strong black coffee, scrambed eggs with veggies and some fresh strawberries. He had one had on her neck, playing with her curls, and it gave her chills. They fnished slowly, taking their time. She was afraid he would ask, but he seemed comfortable with the silence.
'You wanna take a walk?'
She nodded, biting her lip. He kissed her briefly and then they got out. It was a perfect sunny afternoon in the middle of autumn- bright, fresh, and a little chilly. They walked, their fingers interlocked, enjoying nature. At some point, his arm found its way around her shoulders, and she hugged him around his waist. He kissed her hair. It was a perfect calm, beautiful moment. They were both attuned to the nature and comfortable in their silence- something he'd never experienced before. All the girls - women- before her had either been too chatty, or just did not enjoy hiking the way he did.
Finally, they reached the tiny pond he was leading them towards and sat on the ground. Watching the water was blissful and beautiful. She couldn't believe they were still an hour away from the hospital. Seemed like a different universe.
'Mer' he knew it was time. She did too and she pulled away from the hug, putting her hands on the ground like an anchor.
'I know.'
'What-'
'I know.'
'What happened to you- why didn't you report it?'
She looked away, her throat suddenly tight. She bit her lip, trying to pull her thoughts together. Suddenly the ground didn't seem so stable.
'You know it wasn't your fault, right?'
'I do. I did. I did and then- I didn't.' her voice almost cracked. She was there in front of the beautiful lake, in the bright sunny afternoon- and she was also back home, in her kitchen during the night, waiting for her mom with all her makeup running down from the tears.
4.
She'd uncharacteristically thrown herself to hug her mom when she arrived, crying and upset. She'd been ready to call the police.
And then her mom had pulled her off herself like an annoying kitten, sat her down and told her not to act hysterical.
She'd asked Meredith to tell her what happened and who was involved. She'd seen a great deal of Meredith trying to rebel against her in any way possible and saw this the same way. She asked her who had been there. She'd asked if Meredith invited them and what was she wearing. She'd scolded her daughter for throwing the party, for staying alone with 2 guys. Then she'd had a long conversation with their parents- also of prominent families- and then had drawn a settlement so quickly that Meredith hadn't even understood how it happened. She hadn't wanted to sign, but her mom had looked at her so disappointed for tarnishing the Grey name that she'd signed, numb and not really getting what that meant yet.
'That is awful. Mer your mom didn't have the right to- '
Derek reached out to console her and she pulled back, her bottom lip trembling and the calmness breaking.
'No, no, you wanted to know what it was like, Derek. That's what it was like. I was prohibited to talk about it. Not them though! Before you knew it everyone knew I had been with both of them that night. That I wanted it, I initiated it. My boyfriend broke up with me, but not before he'd made me try to beg and plead his forgiveness in every way possible. Just to discard me, because I'd been easy, I'd cheated on him with 2 of his friends. Starting new relationships and discovering the guys knew what had happened and had gotten with me expecting things to come easy. My best friend was most viscious. It was her boyfriend I had 'seduced' and once again I couldn't set the record straight.'
'Meredith-' Derek's voice was soft and pleading. He could see that she still blamed all of this on herself.
'People talked behind my back. Made dirty jokes. Wrote 'whore' on my locker in red paint. So I stopped going to the cafeteria. Stopped going to social events or organizing them. It's how I got here.' For the first time in her posture there was some pride, too. 'Plenty of time to think about what you want when the only time people talk to you is because they want to know what underwear you're wearing. The cosmic joke is that this one decision my mom made eventually got my on the straight path, and the path she had wanted for me too. I don't regret leaving the parties behind. They were dumm, and none of them compares even remotely to being in an OR.' No need to add that she'd stopped eating too, trying to please her ex and because going to the cafeteria was too much drama now. She'd been too much drama all of a sudden, and she'd found herself a social outcast just as quickly as she'd been on top before. No reason to talk about the drinking or cutting and the relief that they had provided.
'Your mom had no right to ask you to do that. You were vulnerable and hurt.'
'F**k that.'
'What?'
She was angry now, and there was no place to put that than on him.
'You wanna be so f**king honest Derek, then why the hell would you leave your model-looking brilliant wife and come to live in the middle of the woods? Ha? You wanna spill secrets, then man up and tell me something real. You want me to tell you what? That it sucks? ' She was shouting now, bitter and raw, every memory waking up in her. 'You wanna know how it was having no friends for 5 years? No one to care if you succeed or fall on your face? You wanna know how it was fainting in class because I couldn't get myself to go to the cafeteria and hear myself be called Dirty Meredith behind my back? You wanna know what it was like starting to have the courage to date just to discover that the night I thought he planned a romantic dinner for us, I found that he'd invited 2 other friends, and I barely got out with them pushing me in between them like I was a prop...'
"Mer, mer-' he was trying to settle her, but she was angry, lost. He tried hugging her, and she started hitting his chest in frustration, fighting the whimpers starting in the depths of her chest and rising like a storm -' Is that what you f**king wanna know? Dirty Meredith, that has no boundaries and will fit you in, in between classes just for a meal...'
Her face was distorted in the pain now, the tears flowing freely. She kept hitting his chest, but he didn't stop holding his arms steadily around her.
'Is that w-w-what-'
'Meredith, Mer, sweetheart, stop. I would never think that of you.' She stopped hitting him, and the clutched her body down, trying to stop the whimpers crashing through her body. She was heaving, struggling to breathe from how hard she was crying. He rubbed her back, kept hugging her steadily. 'Jesus. Honey.' She cried even harder, coughed, unable to stop the strength of the emotions she'd pushed down every day for the past 5 years. 'It wasn't your fault. Okay. It wasn't your fault.' He kept rubbing her back. She slowed down a bit, breathing heavily trying to settle herself down.'For the record, my wife cheated on me with my best friend, after 11 years of marriage.'
Meredith heard him this time- and tried to say something, but she still couldn't trust her voice.
He rubbed her back, kissed her hair, and caressed it in a protective gesture, hugging her tiny body, clutched over him. Remembering how she refused to eat the candy bar when she had a panic attack and she'd made that comment about eating salads. It was starting to make some sense now. How sensitive she was over any intimate issue. He kept hugging. 'It wasn't your fault okay? It wasn't your fault.'
He felt her struggle again, wanting to run away. No reason, no direction. Everything in her was revolting against everything she'd admitted to him. He refused to let her go. 'Slow down, honey, slow down, it's okay. I won't hurt you, slow down.' She hit his chest again, frustrated, angry, nauseated, crying so much her stomach hurt.
'F**k. Damn it. You don't- You can't.'
'Shhh. Was not your fault. There is nothing you can say that can make it different. It wasn't your fault.'
'Derek!' She cried out.
'I know. I know, sweetheart, I know. I know.' He whispered softly in her hair, holding her gently, steadily. And he let her cry.