Lori-lori and Hito-hito do not own Ragnarok online, some crazy-cool ass Koreans do.
RAGNARÖK: Rise of Kafra Corp.
By Lori-lori and Hito-hito
Genre: Humor/Parody
Rating: PG-13, mostly for Language.
Summery: On the KRO server, Kafra Corp. has gone renegade, threatening the gamers of Midgard, complaining of the lack in pay-raise and wardrobe harassment. It's up to the Head GM and a tagalong companion to set them in their place. It's too bad they don't really care. Kafras suck anyways.
Authors' Notes:
Lori-lori: We'd like to say that this is a parody: it's supposed to be stupid. And also it's going to seem like we're switching between the concept of RO as reality and as a game. This is necessary for the type of story we are doing. For example: yes, smell doesn't exist in the computer software.
Hito-hito: And it's too bad that it doesn't: because then I could smell cake any time I wanted. Yeah…that would rock…drools uncontrollably
Lori-lori: Yeah…uncomfortable silence Anyways, it might seem confusing—
Hito-hito: And even a little insane at times—
Lori-lori: But it's like that to make the story mooooore…
Hito-hito: Enjoyable? Hilarious? Nerve-Rackingly Suspenseful?
Lori-lori: I was going to say something like better-rounded, but that too….without the nerve-rackingly suspenseful. What the hell does that have to do with anything?
Hito-hito: I just like saying things. I add stupidity and humor! Whodda thunk it?
Lori-lori: Once again, moving on: this story has a lot of Ragnarok Online lingo. For more information, you can always go to the Official Ragnarok Online English site at:
http/ iro . ragnarokonline . com / (Remove the spaces)
It's highly informative, but play the game. It's the best way to learn. And if you don't/haven't played it, why the hell are you reading this? Hopefully you'll enjoy it. Oh and the stupid fanfiction thingy won't show underscores or the 'at' sign so in the emails just pretend they are there. I went through hell trying to get the damn thing to show up at all.
Hito-hito: w00t!
RAGNARÖK: Rise of Kafra Corp.
By Lori-lori and Hito-hito
Chapter One: The Missing Lunar
I'm not paranoid!…Damnit!
--†--
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2006 13:46:52 -0700
To: Arcadia RO GM yahoo . com
From: Hitory hotmail . net
Subject: THEY FUCKING TOOK IT THOSE GODDAMN BITCHES THEY TOOK MY GODDA...
During my recent character swap, I noticed that my lunar had apparently been taken from my storage by those dirty Kafra whores. I have checked all my accounts and characters and the only conclusion would be that it had been STOLEN by those sonso'bitches at the Kafra corp. because at the last meeting I said that their aprons were ugly.
Please retrieve my Lunar from their dirty little clutches…thank you.
Hitory
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2006 15:27:53 -0820
To: Hitory hotmail . net
From: Arcadia RO GM yahoo . com
Subject: Kafra Corp. and Lunar
Please meet me in South Prontera after 16:30:00 game time to further discuss this matter.
Head Game Master KRO Server: Arcadia
At no later than 16:29 game time, Head GM Arcadia, the holy granter of unrivaled power, that glorious proprietor of the KRO server, sat in South Prontera field, awaiting the arrival of the sender of that distressing email. A Professor Class character, Arcadia had equipped her sprite with Bloody Butterfly Wings, and a Magician's Hat to match her purple apparel. Also the Guild Master of the GM's guild, her title named her: O' Holy Endower. She was instantly recognizable everywhere she went, which only hindered her, as everyone in the area would gather about her person to whine of their many problems.
Luckily today, she had a subordinate GM by the name of Mr. Mon-chan on duty to take care of such trifles as those. No, right now she was contemplating what her opening words should be when Hitory arrived.
Because seriously, "Get a fucking life", wasn't very subtle.
Yes, some crazy things were happening with the Kafra NPCs, they were constantly sending her emails of their many complaints. Complaints which she did not particularly care about, nor planned on doing anything about. They were NPCs for godssake what the hell did they need a pay raise for? Sure there had been inflation recently, rare items had gone up in value, but what did that have to do with Kafras getting cost-of-living pay bonuses? It wasn't like they bought anything!
She sent a more diplomatically phrased letter containing her counter-arguments to all of the email senders. Unfortunately they hadn't stopped, and a lot of the Kafra NPCs, now sported little pins on their uniforms, showing her sprite's face with devil horns and a spaded tail saying DOWN WITH ARCADIA in large red script, and if spoken too, would say much the same thing before finally getting around to allowing players into their storage. It had caused much annoyance throughout Midgard the past few weeks.
Arcadia had dealt with it by bitching out the scripters: if they couldn't stop this, then what the hell were they there for anyways?
Presently, the Infamous Hitory, bearing the guild title: GreenMonster, arrived and sat next to Arcadia, wearing an expression the GM could only describe as utterly pissed. A sniper class character, Hitory had been one of the very first players on KRO, and also one of the first to achieve level 255.
This green clothed, bao-bao wearing, twin-ribboned, green-haired female was as widely known as Arcadia herself, due to her frequent use of obscenities in public and chronic player-killing. Hitory was no stranger to the Jail. In fact, cell number 4 had at one time, been dedicated to her and her band of miscreants after the incident that later came to be known as The Day of Hallowed Death. The short story would be multi-guildacide. Frequently. And with a disturbing passion.
She also had her own player fan club, known as the HitorysLoversAnonymous guild, which had at one particular War of Emperium owned all of Prontera's castles. They had disbanded for the time being, plotting the downfall of her husband, one Sarlacyst, an Assassin of the Cross character, coming under the new guild name of SarlacystHatersAnonymous. A relatively new guild, they had a great number of members, however they had yet to prove their mettle in WoE. This wasn't surprising, seeing as they seemed to be more focused on killing Sarlacyst then actually taking Castles. Sarlacyst was oblivious to their plots of death, although he wouldn't have much cared if he'd known.
"Those GODDAMN, FUCKING, KAFRAS." Hitory spat furiously. Every ear turned from their conversing/walking/sitting/leveling to stare nervously at the manic Sniper shouting damnation upon the Kafra Corporation.
Arcadia winced and made a motion suggesting she lower the volume, "Can't you rant any quieter? And with less cursing? There are novices here…"
The grand total of thirteen novices, who until this point had been waving their pathetic little knives at Porings and Fabresin a feeble attempt at leveling, made cute little innocent faces and nodded simultaneously.
"Novices?" she looked at them with contempt, "To hellwith the NOVICES! What about my Lunar? If I killed every single novice in this server and stole their zeny I still wouldn't have enough to buy another Lunar Bow! Novices are worthless! The thing was double-slotted! I think it was a glitch Double-slotted Lunars don't even exist!"
All thirteen novices burst into tears at this startling declaration of their insignificance, but what really made them give up hope, was the fact that everyone else in the vicinity was nodding in agreement. Damn that Hitory. She really knew how to kick a novice when he was down, as if the gloats of the Porings over their dead corpses wasn't depressing enough. Goddamn those Poringsand their beady little eyes…always watching…
"Even you were a novice once." Arcadia told her, chastising. The Novices began to hope once more.
Hitory scoffed, "Only for five seconds…" Aww, once again their hopes were crushed; crushed like a wave against the great stone cliff-face; crushed by that Green Monster known as Hitory. Those poor novices, they were scarred for life.
Arcadia gave up on trying to change her mind. She was right, after all.
The (5,000 zeny that novices started out with) × (the average of 25 novices there were at any given time) ≠ the millions of zeny it took to purchase a Lunar Bow, the best bow in the game.
If Hitory had gone around killing and pillaging all the novices, she wouldn't have had enough zeny for a Lunar. Not that that had anything to do with anything. It wasn't as if she shared Hitory's sentiments about the ineffectiveness of the novice population…
…
…anyways, down to business. "Hitory," she said calmly, as if talking to a wild animal or perhaps a young, autistic child, "Putting this…conspiracy theory aside, isn't it possible that you dropped it? Or maybe lent it out? Or even got hacked?"
"I didn't get hacked. If I did, don't you think they would have taken more of my l33T stuff?" Hitory said to her defense.
"But isn't it equally likely that these Kafras would have done the same, if your theory was, indeed, true?" Arcadia countered.
"No." Hitory said.
"No?"
"No."
"Umm, explanation? Please?" Arcadia petitioned confusedly.
"Those dirty. Kafra Bitches. Knew. I needed my Lunar. And they took it because I said their gay-ass aprons were fucking fuggly."
Fuggly? Fucking+ugly? Creative. "But you have no proof. How am I supposed to believe this?"
"Don't you have records or something? Check them, Damnit!" Hitory demanded.
Maybe I will! Arcadia thought waspishly, she should just jail Hitory on principle. "Fine," she said, "Log out of your account for a few minutes and I'll check your storage and your Trade and Drop records."
"First I'm delusional, now I'm blind…" Hitory grumbled under her breath just before her sprite disappeared as she logged off.
Ignoring Hitory's words, in only the way a Head GM could, with absolutely no concern, she did as planned, checking the records. It said her Lunar should be in her storage. She'd put it in and hadn't taken it out. Logging onto her account, she checked Hitory's storage to find…
Nothing. The Lunar was definitely not there.
"What the hell?" she wondered, records weren't wrong. It had to be a glitch of some kind, although this had never happened or been a problem with anyone else. Although her having a double-slotted Lunar bow was indeed some sort of glitch in the first place. If she'd known about it before, she would have taken it away and given her a single-slotted one to compensate. She couldn't have crazy weapons floating around her server. Things had to be reasonably fair after all.
Finishing up, Hitory logged back in and stated in that self-righteous voice of hers, "I told you it wasn't there."
"Well, I don't know what to say, it's gone I guess." Arcadia admitted.
"Don't I get a new one? A different one? A…better one?" Hitory prodded greedily. A few of the novices stepped back, as they took notice of the avaricious glint in the sniper's eye.
"Umm…no?"
"Oh. You just suck the fun out of everything, now don't you?" Hitory accused.
"Fine. Here's a new one." Arcadia said, dropping it in the middle of the field.
Every character in South Prontera leapt for it, but they were all of them beaten to it as Hitory, who was much closer, casually picked it up. They all looked upon her with spite, most especially the merchants, whose lust for rare items to sell for a profit was well known throughout the server. Arcadia made a point of doing street-sweeps every day or so, sending a swarm of super-charged Gay Pixies with unfathomable amounts of Health, attack-speed and flee-rate to which she had given the name Uber Gay Pixies. Aww, the screams of agony from the streets of the vending town of Izlude were so satisfying. The ranting player-messages were not, however.
She usually blamed it on the Scripters. What else were they good for?
Unfortunately no one really believed her. And the messages kept coming. That was, until she began stripping all excessive complainers of their zeny and items as punishment. As GMs went, she was a tyrant in every sense of the word.
"You stupid cheapskate! This one only has one slot!" Hitory spat vehemently.
"Oh, then I suppose you don't want it. I'll be taking it back then, maybe give it those merchants over there." Arcadia said absently. The grubby little merchants all gazed upon their GM with hopeful, worshipful eyes. Aww, what a Lunar Bow would do for their zeny pouches…
Hitory sighed, "I'll keep the damn thing." She was crushing hopes all over the place today, Arcadia noted, as the merchants audibly displayed their remorse. "Leastwise," Hitory continued, "I can sell it and buy some cards or something. Goddamn Kafras stole my livelihood…"
"Yo, Hitory," came a voice from behind the fuming Sniper. Not a second later, the character's cloak was canceled and Sarlacyst bearing the guild title: In-The-Myst stood behind them.
Being Hitory's husband, it wasn't very surprising that the Assassin of the Cross's attire was green and brown, to match his mate. He also wore elven ears and a bear hat as he sucked on a romantic leaf. Even before he had harangued the much sought after position of Hitory's husband, he had quite a few hate-clubs of which he was very proud. Being the only person on the server who player-killed more then the Green Sniper, it was perhaps destiny that they would be together. When Sarlacyst was on the map, no one was safe.
Unfortunately, he was hardly ever caught, being quite clever with the cloak skill to evade all signs of detection. Few ever managed to get so much as a screenshot of him committing the deed. Arcadia could blame many a migraine to Sarlcyst's antics. He had also been there from the server's beginning and they were quite well acquainted.
Hitory and Sarlacyst underwent some bizarre type of ritual that they performed every time they met. This practice was a disturbing mix of declarations of their undying love to one another and insulting remarks that left one confused as to the nature of their actual relationship. Neither of them had bothered her for a divorce yet however, and it had been quite some time since their marriage, so Arcadia was hopeful. Apparently they had something. She didn't know quite what, but it was definitely something.
Finally finishing up on the insult portion of the greeting, Sarlacyst said, "Oh, yeah. You were looking for your Lunar, Right? Well, I think I found it."
"Is that so…" Hitory mumbled thoughtfully.
"But I checked the records. It was a random glitch and it disappeared from your storage." Arcadia told him.
"Really? I thought the Kafras took it. They seem to be claiming responsibility for it, at any rate." Sarlacyst told them idly, his eyes following a novice as it approached him, "What do you want?" he demanded of the male novice.
"Give me Zeny." The novice said, then as an after thought added "Please."
"Fuck off," Sarlacyst spat and attempted to Soul Breaker the begging low-level.
The skill wouldn't cast.
"Damnit, Arcadia. Since when is this area a no PvP zone?" he whined, trying to keep back the novice, determined to guilt-trip the SinX into giving him money.
"Since forever." She stated dully in return.
"Why can't we go back to the days when everyone was fair game?" Sarlacyst queried, all the while glaring at the novice harassing him, "You know: Darwinism; Survival of the fittest…"
The novice finally seemed to realize that he really didn't want be asking Sarlacyst, of all people, for zeny: possibly the most annoying request one could ever ask of a stranger. He took a hike, while he still could. Though right now he was safe, there was no telling whether this would remain true for the future. Sarlacyst had that kind of reputation. Don't piss him off was the byword. He could make your life miserable. And the shitty thing was, that he mentally kept record of every one who annoyed him. Good records. And was made to make good on them as soon as the opportunity presented itself.
Arcadia realized she would probably be getting complaint-mail from that novice in the very near future.
"Because those days sucked. Okay?" she snapped at the male, "And they sucked, because my email was flooded with complaints from low levels you killed. You really ruined it for yourself, you know."
"Me? Never!" he said innocently, but his smile showed way to many teeth. It was like the way a tiger grins at a rabbit: with blood in mind.
"But seriously, Arcadia, this field is prime territory: Noobs all over the place. You could at least give us South Pront. And do your Q&A's elsewhere. And really, the novices have it coming: they suck." Hitory said.
"No." the GM said succinctly, but the sniper pretended not to notice.
"So what's this about my Lunar? The Kafras took it? I knew it!"
"How, pray tell, did you come upon this information?" Arcadia asked skeptically.
"It wasn't all that difficult, considering they have it hung on the Clock Tower in Albadaran Square with DOWN WITH ARCADIA and WE HATE HITORY, MEET OUR DEMANDS OR ELSE and the occasional OUR APRONS AREN'T UGLY, ACTUALLY THEY'RE QUITE STYLISH written on the ground in something red; blood I presume. It's attracted quite the spectacle. I'm surprised you didn't already know about it, being the GM and all." He replied absently.
"I…see." Arcadia said. It wasn't surprising. She was rejecting player messages at the moment. Before she could investigate further into the accuracy of this info, the all-call was sounded by another GM.
"Raizurg-Lucifer: Everyone stop gawking in Albadaran. Go the hell about your daily business, or I'll systematically ban every one of you."
Ahh Rai…always on top of things, willing to bitch someone out at a moments notice: that was why he was Deputy Head-GM, as well as her husband.
"Raizurg-Lucifer: This is your last chance V3G4-laser. Stop True Sight spamming in-town. I warned you about this yesterday."
He was so chivalrous…
"Raizurg-Lucifer: That is fucking it. Everyone after that bastard. The one who brings me the most of his skulls in ten minutes gets an Excalibur."
"I WANT!" was the immediate reply from everyone on the screen. And there was a mass exodus to the Warpra in town as everyone decided they would be the one to kill V3G4-laser and claim the prize. Helping things along could be fun.
"Anyone who wants to go after V3G4-laser step into this warp!" the lilac Professor demanded as she cast a warp portal that would trans-locate anyone who entered to said person. Aww, she could see the carnage now…She should change her clothing color to red. Like blood. Ufu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fu!
Just for the hell of it, she set warp portals on all the novices and first classers who had no chance. Finally, only she, Hitory and Sarlacyst remained in South Prontera field. She didn't bother to ask: she warped all three of them to Albadaran.
Upon seeing the Kafra's display of vandalism and theft, she turned to Arcadia and said surprisingly calmly, "This just gives me a legitimate reason for my hate of the Kafra race."
"Okay…that is the last straw." Arcadia said, "Those Kafra Bitches are going down."
"And that's such a lie. Their Aprons really are ugly. Very unsexy." Sarlacyst added.
"Agreed," seconded Hitory.
"Yeah, I knew they were retarded: I didn't know they were color-blind," came a voice from behind.
It was Raizurg and his Black Lord-Knight-goodness, wearing black-cat ears, Big Angel Wings and a Magician's hat that matched Arcadia's. Rai tended to do the Law enforcement-side of GMing, where she would just ignore the person until they became a major issue, and then ban them for eternity. He'd actually look into things like spammers and player-killers, and as such his Guild title was: Chief Executioner.
Sarlacyst and he were not on very good terms, as the last four times in a row he went on a massacre, Rai didn't even bother to wait for someone to show him a screenshot but automatically jailed him. It had severely cut into the Assassin of the Cross's 'fun', as it were. He thought of awesome ideas for events, though. And with his pension for sicking the general populace on evil-doers, problems tended to take care of themselves.
Thinking of the green sniper and her hubby, Arcadia thought she was lucky he wasn't brain damaged like Sarlacyst: they certainly didn't do weird things when they met up in the game.
"Hey!" Hitory objected.
"What! I didn't say anything!" Arcadia protested.
"You…were thinking it," the sniper stated menacingly.
"So what if I was?"
Hitory was interrupted from replying as a Bunny-Banded, blush wearing Blue Clown bearing the guild title of: SnuggleBunny, (against his will) warped between the two arguing fem-fatales.
Mr. Mon-chan, that oh so innocent Sub-GM, saw the tension and tried to relieve it by saying smiling cutely and saying, "Oh, look at the sky! Isn't it so blue today?"
His feeble attempt was ignored. As a Sub-GM, he was good at listening to the tearful issues of many a depressed and lonely player. And that was what he should have been doing…
"Mr. Mon-chan, what are you doing here?" Arcadia asked confusedly.
"I just got a player message from the Kafras saying they needed help, and to come to Aldebaran," he told her in his naivety. Ahh, poor, sweet, little Mr. Mon-chan, always so trusting…
Oh, those dirty Kafras, so conniving as to call upon the cutest GM in Midgard to come to their aid. They better watch out. Mr. Mon-chan had a fan club, too, made-up of the mostly young and female. And they could be downright vengeful to anyone who hurt their Mascot. Arcadia almost felt sorry for the Kafras. Almost. Anyone who was so evil as to manipulate Mr. Mon-chan had it coming.
"Whatever, Mr. Mon-chan," Arcadia sighed, they could probably use another head on this anyways, "Tell bouquet to take your place at the Question and Answer in South Prontera. We've got to get to the bottom this Kafra corporation business."
"Will do!" Mr. Mon-chan beamed, giving them all the thumbs-up and broadcasted:
"Mr. Mon-chan: Bouquet, can you do the Q&A for me, pleasies?"
A second later the reply came:
".:B O U Q U E T :.: Sure thing, Mr. Mon-chan "
That Mr. Mon-chan was a power unto himself. Such a lady-killer, and he didn't even notice. Even Bouquet, usually a tomboy and a fervent believer that all males were inherent perverts, and therefore sub-human, was not immune to his charms.
"Mr. Mon-chan: Thankies!" he replied.
"Oh-kay! Let's go!" he shouted happily to the group.
"What about my Lunar?" Hitory complained, pointing to the Bow sitting atop Clock Tower and flashing 2 Lunar Bow gaudily against the blue sky and amongst the whistling breeze. All three GMs shrugged. That area was part of the scenery; ordinarily an item couldn't be dropped there; how the Kafras had managed it was a mystery. Of course, how the Kafras were managing any of this was a mystery.
Hitory and Sarlacyst looked expectantly at Arcadia, "Don't look at me," was the response. Even GMs couldn't do everything, after all.
"We'll just give her another one," Raizurg said simply.
"I already gave her another one."
"Then what's the problem?" he asked suspiciously, eyebrow raised.
"My Lunar, the one hanging on that God forsaken tower, has two slots. And this, piece of shit, only has one. That's half of the slots! Mine has double. Double I say!" Hitory screamed.
"Two-slots?" Mr. Mon-chan asked confusedly, his bunny ears flopping as he tilted his head cutely in question.
"Glitch." Arcadia explained.
"Oh."
"Nice that we know about this," began Raizurg, "If you ever get it back, let me know, and I'll wipe it off your account for you."
Hitory screeched a blood curdling cry of madness at the Lord Knight's threat to her Lunar. She grabbed hold of a very unfortunate passing novice, and bodily chucked him at the unsuspecting Game Master. Mr. Mon-chan had just enough time to "Eep!" and jump out of the flying novice's death-path, before it barreled into Raizurg with the force of an atomic bomb, leaving both players seeing stars. Arcadia rushed to her husband's side as Mr. Mon-chan looked on worriedly and Sarlacyst laughed on maniacally as if this was the best entertainment he'd had all day.
The green Sniper, too, pointed and cackled wickedly, just before the very unlucky novice was thrown equally hard back into her face by a very angry black Lord Knight. Sarlacyst jumped to get into the fight, and get back at the Chief Executioner for bowling over his wife, but it seemed all the novices had had their fill of abuse, and none offered their selves up to be used as a pummeling device by walking within range. Even more unfortunate, they were in a town: No PvPing. And the crappiest of all, Raizurg was a GM, and although he didn't really care about what he'd do to him, one of the kick ass things about GMs was that they couldn't be hit by regular players: period.
Sarlacyst looked like he might pull his hair out in frustration.
Everyone in the town had stopped to watch the ensuing battle, but the glare Raizurg shot around with the deadly force of a machine gun made them realized they had better places to be, places where they wouldn't be have their zeny and items stripped, and high-tailed it out of there.
"Well, if you really want your Lunar back that bad," Arcadia began ominously, interrupting the silence that now fell over Albadaran, "Then I guess we'll have to get the Kafras to do it."
"And how are we supposed to do that?" Hitory demanded, trying to pretend there wasn't a stunned novice inches from her foot.
The Professor grinned wolfishly, "We'll have to go…Covert."
Next time in:
RAGNARÖK: Rise of Kafra Corp.
By Lori-lori and Hito-hito
To regain Hitory's 2 Lunar Bow, the gang has to infiltrate the Kafras headquarters.
You know what that means.
GM transformation powers, Ugly Aprons, acting like Kafra-bitches…
Oh yeah: absolute hell.
Next Chapter:
Chapter Two: In the Lair of the Kafra
Life's a bitch, and Kafras are too.