The Asshole Doctor
Apparently, my blood that had been spilt on the floor was labelled as 'contaminated', so he couldn't suck up some with that tube thing like I suggested. Luckily, they didn't make me do it again.
Once again. The Doctor lead us somewhere else. I walked with Daryl, behind the rest of the group. I kept my head down, watching our feet, ashamed of how I acted and feeling humiliated.
I had acted weak, like a baby. If Daddy were here he probably would've set me straight for acting that way. But he wasn't there, so I wasn't sure what to do, it didn't seem like anyone was mad at me. Daryl might've been, but he wasn't saying anything.
Then again, Daddy hates doctors. So maybe he would've taken my side.
"M'sorry . . ." I mumbled.
Daryl hummed in questioning. I quickly wiped a tear away and looked up with him, "I was a baby. I yelled, I bit Shane. I-I-I didn' m-mean . . ." my lip quivered and I trailed off, sniffling, not able to continue.
I looked down, afraid to look at him any longer. There was a silence and I heard Daryl sigh. Other then that, all I could hear was footsteps.
"I hate needles too." Daryl mumbled.
I looked back at him, surprised, but he didn't look back. He was staring ahead as we walked, as if he hadn't spoken.
"Doctors are assholes," he continued.
I was thinking how much Daryl was like Daddy after he said that. They both hated doctors, I wondered if Merle was the same. The reason I started going around Daryl and Merle was because they were more like Daddy then anyone else.
But at the same time, they seemed so different.
We were taken to a room that resembled a kitchen, actually it was a kitchen. It had a fridge, oven, etc. The Doctor went into the freezer, letting us know there were some frozen pizzas. Everyone looked surprised, and watched quietly, while thanking him as he put them in the oven.
While the food cooked, the Doctor left the room with the blood samples while some people sat down. Some kept standing, like Daryl and me. I did want to sit down, but I made no move to leave Daryl.
We waited, some of the others talked to each other, but their voices were too hushed for me to listen in. Not that I wanted too. Then the Doctor came back a little bit later to pull the food out, he came without the blood he took from us. This place didn't seem like a house, yet it seemed fit for people to live here. He said he was alone, so I wondered if others lived here to. It seemed more like a work place, with all the computers we saw, maybe they lived where they worked. I wasn't sure, I didn't even know what this place was.
I watched, we all did, as he pulled plates out of a cupboard. Everyone lined up, thanking him and getting their share. Once they got their plates, they took a seat at the table. Not all the seats were filled. Glenn sat off to the side on a chair, not at the table with his plate on his lap.
The Doctor went off again, Daryl waited until he was gone to get his own food. When he did, he came back to where I was standing. He didn't get a plate, just ate the pizza out of his hand.
"What are we doing?" Shane asked quietly, as if he meant to whisper but failed. He was sitting across from Rick, leaning in to talk to him.
Rick raised an eyebrow in question, and Shane continued, "how is he the only one here? What the hell happened, they were supposed to-"
"-Shane, not now." Rick replied firmly.
"Not now? When? This was your call, and we're not going to-"
"-My husband is right," Lori said, "we have a roof over our heads, we're safe. Let's let ourselves relax and get food into us. He didn't have to give us anything."
Shane sighed but let it go.
"Not gettin' any?" I heard Daryl talk, I turned my head to him, maybe too fast because he was blurred for a minute. I felt like my head was spinning, at the smell of food my stomach was clenching painfully, I knew I was hungry but I couldn't get myself to move. I really wanted to sit down, my legs felt like they were shaking, but I wasn't sure if they really were. I felt weird ever since The Doctor took blood out of my arm, I was still holding the cotton ball to the hole he made in my arm.
"I don't . . . I don't feel good." I mumbled.
"What?"
I dropped to the floor onto my butt. "Ow."
"Shit," Daryl said.
"Oh, honey . . ." I heard Lori say, and her chair screech the floor as she pushed it back to stand up. She was about to come over but Shane beat her to it.
"Hey, you alright?" Shane asked softly, his hand on my shoulder.
"My arm hurts," I mumbled. Shane's hand went under my chin and he brought my head up, looking at my face closely.
"Shane, she's so pale." Lori said.
Shane glared up at Daryl, who was standing beside me still, "why the hell didn't you say anything?"
"'bout what? She was fine a second ago. How was I s'posed ta know she was gonna fall?"
Shane clicked his tongue in annoyance, then turned back to me, taking a hold of my arms.
"C'mon, let's sit you down, get you some food."
Shane helped me up, then accidentally pulled on the arm the Doctor put a needle in. I winced and mumbled a protest and he apologized. Taking me to the table with him.
"T, you mind shoving over one?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure." T-Dog replied, moving to the empty seat beside him. Shane sat me down in the seat where T-Dog was sitting before, which was beside Shane's seat.
Lori reached across from the other side of the table and placed a plate in front of me with two pieces of pizza. I wrinkled my nose, spotting a few toppings I didn't agree with. But I didn't say anything.
Lori said something about finding some glasses for water and she looked through the cupboards.
"You feelin' okay?" T-Dog asked me. I looked at him, not sure if he had ever spoken to me before, I was never sure if we had been this close to each other either.
"She's probably dehydrated, we'll get some water and food in her," Shane said, patting my back.
After the funny feeling in my head subsided, I started pulling the green things off my pizza. I didn't care enough to pull the rest of the toppings off so I just ate it. Before I knew it, I had practically shoved the first piece down my throat and was on the second.
Lori finally got some glasses and gave me, Carl, Sophia water first. I drank some as soon as I got it, and continued eating. Lori got some others some water, and when I finished, Shane got me another piece and I began picking the green things off again.
The Doctor was gone longer than last time, he came back just as I finished my third piece. T-Dog began collecting the plates of those who were done and Lori followed suit.
The Doctor when to the counter, and opened a bottom cupboard, pulling a couple, large, dark green bottles out.
There was exclamations of excitement in the adults, some were just surprised.
"No way . . ." T-Dog said.
They all thanked the Doctor after he was saying there were wine glasses. Dale and T-Dog began handing them out, Both of them pouring glasses for people. Andrea didn't show much reaction, she stared at the wine glass in front of her before quickly grabbing it and pouring the red drink down her throat.
I wasn't stupid, I knew right away it was alcohol, Daddy never really had wine in the house but . . . I was thinking hard, looking down at the table, something was in my head, something I was trying to remember. Something about wine, Daddy never really had it but it was in the house lots before. But not for a long time. I thought about it hard, it was like I knew, but couldn't bring the thought into my head.
Mama, it finally clicked, Mama liked wine. It was hard to remember when Mama was around, I remembered a little of her, but she had been gone so long that I had to think hard about every memory, wondering if she was present during that time.
I was pulled from my thoughts as almost the entire table began laughing loudly.
"You know, in Italy, children have a little bit of wine with dinner." Dale was saying, "And in France."
"Well," Lori said, he hand over Carl's empty water cup, as if guarding it. "when Carl is in Italy or France, he can have some then."
"What's it gonna hurt? Come on." Rick coaxed, "Come on."
Lori hesitated, then laughed a little as she relented, taking her hand away.
Dale took the bottle he was holding and poured a little into Carl's cup. "There you are, young lad."
Carl was smiling and he briefly glanced at me, he was excited. Happy to be included I was guessing. I shook my head at him.
"Don't, it's gross." I told him. I couldn't remember ever trying wine, but to me, all alcohol tasted and smelled gross.
I remembered a long time ago, I might've been five or six. I was pretty sure Mama hadn't left yet when I was that old, but it was hard to remember seeing her. Daddy, (and Mama), had friends over, they were drinking and talking a lot. I remembered not wanting to go to bed and sneaking in he kitchen for something. Either food or a drink, I couldn't remember.
I saw a drink on the counter I immediately assumed was chocolate milk because of its appearance. I remembered picking the glass up and wondering why there were ice cubes in it, before drinking some.
I didn't get to drink much before I was puking in the sink . . . it wasn't chocolate milk.
Carl sipped from the cup, as if he hadn't heard me, which was fine, no one listened to me anyways.
"Eww!" Carl exclaimed.
"That's my boy." Lori said patting his back, "That's my boy."
"Yuck," Carl stuck his tongue out, shaking his head in disgust, "that tastes nasty."
Lori took his cup and bored his wine into her wine glass.
"Well, just stick to soda pop there, bud." Shane suggested. Then he looked at me, "you got the right idea."
Daryl shook his head, "not you, Glenn."
"What?" Glenn looked up from his glass, confused.
"Keep drinking, little man. I want to see how red your face can get."
Everyone began laughing again at that. I watched Daryl, my lips quirking up in a hint of a smile. I hadn't seen him happy like he was.
"It seems to me we haven't thanked our host properly." Rick said, standing up and raising his glass.
"He is more than just our host." T-Dog expressed, raising his wine glass also.
"Hear hear!" Dale shouted, some others following.
"Here's to you, Doc." Daryl raised the bottle he was holding, "Booyah!"
Well Daryl warmed up to the asshole Doctor pretty quickly.
"Booyah!" some others repeated, agreeing, "Thank you! Booyah!"
"So," Shane began, staring down at the glass in his hand, "when are you gonna tell us what the hell happened here, Doc? All the the other doctors that were supposed to be figuring out what happened, where are they?"
"We're celebrating, Shane." Rick sat down from his toast, shaking his head. "Don't need to do this now."
"Whoa, wait a second. This is why we're here, right?" Shane let out a small laugh, "This was your move, supposed to find all the answers. Instead we found him, found one man. Why?"
"They're dead," I blurted. All eyes went to me and I cringed into my chair. Even Daryl looked surprised, I looked down, hating all the eyes on me. The silence stayed, no one talked and I could still feel them staring. I found myself getting angry, making my expression hard as I looked up, "I-I mean . . . lots a'people are dead, they aren't here so . . . will ya'll stop lookin' at me like that? I can talk y'know."
"Well," The Doctor began after a few moments, "when things got bad, a lot of people just left, went off to be with their families. And when things got worse, when the military cordon got overrun, the rest bolted."
"Every last one?" Shane asked, not convinced.
"No, many couldn't face walking out the door. They . . . opted out. There was a rash of suicides . . . That was a bad time."
"You didn't leave." Andrea said suddenly. "Why?"
"I just kept working." he answered, "Hoping to do some good."
"Dude, you are such a buzzkill, man." Glenn told Shane after a prolonged silence.
"Most of the facility is powered down including housing, so you'll have to make do here. There are a few beds, the couches are comfortable. There are extra blankets and pillows in the closets if you need them." The Doctor said as he led us down another hallway. I was closer to Shane more than I was to Daryl this time. I glanced behind me at Daryl, he was still holding one of the bottles. I slowed my pace a little, hoping to walk with him.
"There's a rec room down the hall that you kids might enjoy. Just don't plug in the video games, okay? Or anything that draws power. The same applies," the Doctor motioned to the adults, "if you shower, go easy on the hot water."
The Doctor kept walking and Glenn looked at the rest of the group with a grin on his face, "Hot water?"
"That's what the man said." T-Dog smiled.
Everyone seemed to look around and choose a room to go in. I watched as Daryl did the same with the nearest door. I started to follow him when he opened the door but he turned and looked at me.
"What?"
I didn't say anything, I just blankly stared, not sure what to do or say
"Go find the other kids or somethin'," Daryl said, disappearing behind the door.
I stood still, watching the door as it clicked shut. Immediately feeling discouraged, I looked around seeing Shane was gone, and others were going into their rooms. I waited and watched until I was alone, even the Doctor was gone.
I walked down the hall a little, glancing at some doors and wondering if all the rooms were occupied. I kept going, remembering the Doctor gesturing toward a rec room and stopped at a labelled door. It was the only door with something on it, so I guessed that was it.
I opened the door and my jaw dropped, this room had not wasted the space it was given. There were a couple couches, a TV, coffee table.
There was another table in the middle of the room, I walked up to it, seeing it was one of those tables with the fake ball game on it. It had little ceramic figures on poles as players of the game. I forgot what the table was called, I knew there was a name for it. Then I saw shelves and shelves of books along the wall and went over to them.
I ran my fingers along the bindings, the more brightly coloured ones caught my eye and I briefly pulled one out, only to put it back. I knew these were adult books, you could always tell by the cover. I knew I wouldn't understand anything written in them anyway. Walking along the bookshelves, I came across a shelf that had board games. I examined the piled games briefly, before turning away.
There were a couple plants in the room too. Once I got bored of looking around, I dropped onto one of the couches, dropping my bag on the floor.
I laid my head down and closed my eyes for a few minutes, exhausted. I jerked awake when I heard footsteps.
"Hey," Carl smiled. His hair was wet and he was wearing different clothes. "Are you staying with Shane tonight?"
Good question. I shrugged, unsure. I would have to see if he would come and get me later on. I was pretty sure Daryl wouldn't, it was obvious he didn't want me around. Which shouldn't have surprised me, Daryl never wanted me around from the start, even when Merle did.
Merle seemed to be the only one to ever want me around, with everyone else it seemed forced. My plan to stay with Daryl, had already failed. I shouldn't have suspected anything more, he didn't want a dumb kid around. For whatever reason Merle never seemed to mind too much, he himself would seek me out at times. But now he was gone, and Daryl never liked me to start with.
Shane seemed like he didn't mind me being around, he so much as said so when we were at the school, he said he cared. I wasn't sure I believed that, the only person who cared about me was Daddy, only blood can care about blood was what he would say.
It seemed forced with Shane too, like he just felt like he had to care, but I didn't understand that either.
From day one, Shane would tell me Daddy was going to come back, and almost three days ago he all but threw in my face he wasn't coming back. Whether it was true or not, Shane believed he wasn't coming, and he told me he was. Shane was a liar, I had briefly forgotten why I was so mad at him.
Maybe I could stay around Lori? But she hadn't said anything about Daddy either and it was obvious she knew. I didn't like Rick for whatever happened to Merle, Daryl seemed mad at him, but no one had even told me what happened to him. And Lori had Carl, her own kid to take care of, why would she take care of someone else's?
Shane seemed pretty willing . . .
I ran a hand through my hair, tugging on it slightly in frustration.
"There are games!" Carl said, seeming astonished. He rushed across the room, to the shelf. "He said we can't touch the video games, but we can play these, right?"
I didn't answer, how would I know? I thought in frustration. I lifted my legs onto the couch, curling into the corner.
"Do you want to play?" I heard him ask. "What about this? Monopoly?" I was pretty sure he was trying to show me something, but I didn't turn to look so he continued, "Yeah . . . I don't like it that much either, it's boring."
I tried ignoring Carl, not wanting to talk or look at him. I wanted to be alone, but I wasn't never alone with these people. And being in a building made it harder to go and hide away. I wasn't even sure if I had a room to sleep in, everyone seemed to be staying with someone, and I wasn't sure if any rooms were empty.
Maybe I should just ask Daryl if I can stay with him . . . I shook my head, he shooed me off, he would just do it again. Merle used to shoo me off too, and then he would find me later. But this was Daryl, Daryl didn't even understand why Merle was okay with me being around.
Well, neither was I.
"Do you like Checkers?" Carl got closer, just standing on the other side of the coffee table, "There's more, like-"
"-I don't wanna play a stupid game," I said angrily, wanting him to shut up.
He didn't say anything, and before I could see the look on his face, I turned more into the couch. Minutes later, I could hear him moving around the room.
"That was great, do you feel better now, nice and clean?" Carol asked as she entered the room with Sophia. I didn't look toward them, I kept hiding myself in the couch. I heard Sophia hum in agreement to her mom. Their presence only annoyed me more.
"Sophia . . . do you wanna play a game?" Carl asked hesitantly.
"Sure," she agreed quickly.
I peeked over at them as they started setting a game up on the coffee table. Stop it, you wouldn't know how to play anyways, I scorned myself. Turning away again, out of the corner of my eye I saw Carol going over to browse the books.
I squeezed my eyes shut, tears were threatening to fall from all my frustration and confusion. Why didn't Daddy just come back? Then I could go home . . .
My stomach was starting to bug me, it felt heavy and started to cramp. I wrapped my arms around my stomach, hugging myself.
"Any good books?" Lori asked as she came in, smiling. I opened my eyes to glance at her briefly, she was wearing a large white, button-up shirt and shorts.
"Enough to keep up busy for years," Carol responded.
Lori caught my eye and I immediately turned away again, pretending I wasn't looking. "Carol, would it be alright with you if Toby used your shower? Rick is still using ours, she still hasn't had a chance to clean up."
"Of course, if you'll watch the kids I'll show her to it myself."
"Thank you. Toby is that okay with you?"
I turned to her, narrowing my eyes and giving no response. Carol came up and tapped my shoulder, "I'll show you where it is."
After a moment, I relented, realizing they may leave me alone afterwards. And I did need to get clean, I hadn't been able to wash up since we were at the Quarry.
I followed Carol out of the rec room, it turned out, hers and Sophia's room was the first on to our left. I followed Carol into the room, looking around as I followed her to the bathroom.
The room looked really good, better than anything I've seen. It looked as good as those hotel rooms you see on commercials. There was a desk, a dresser with a mirror. A bed and a couch.
The sick feeling in my stomach was still there so I was walking a lot slower than usual.
"Do you have anything to change into?" Carol asked me.
I had the other shirt in my bag, but that was pretty dirty, I had been wearing the jeans that I had on for what seemed like forever. I glanced behind me at the door, realizing I hadn't even brought the bag with me. I felt weird not carrying it, but I didn't feel good enough to rush back.
I just shook my head when Carol looked at me and she nodded.
"I'll see what Sophia has, I'll find something for you."
My throat began to burn and the sick feeling only grew. When we walked into the bathroom, my knees felt weak, and my stomach contracted so violently I barely reached the toilet in time as I collapsed onto my knees. I heaved into the toilet and could hear Carol saying something a she bent down next to me, she gathered my hair up and held it up as the contents of my stomach poured out.
When it seemed everything had come out, I dry-heaved a couple times before sitting on the floor properly.
"I'll get you some water," Carol said, getting up and leaving. She came back with a glass and turned the tap on in the bathroom sink. She filled the glass up halfway and gave it to me.
I took the tall glass and rinsed my mouth out before I drank from it, hoping to get the horrible taste of my mouth. My throat burned badly from the vomit.
"Thanks . . ." I mumbled to her.
"I think you may have eaten too much."
"I was hungry," I defended.
"None of us have really been able to eat since the fish fry, and even then I don't think you ate anything. I think it was too much too fast for you."
I didn't say anything to that, she was probably right. It wasn't the first time I got sick from eating more than I can handle. She sat quietly for a few minutes with me, I liked that. If it was Lori she'd be trying to talk to me. I glanced at Carol and she had a small smile, it was like she knew I wanted the quiet.
Once I was sure I felt okay, I reached up and flushed the toilet, and she asked, "Can you stand up, do you want to try cleaning up now?"
I nodded my head and stood up.
"Do you need help with the shower?"
I shook my head, why would I need help with the shower?
"I'll go find you some clean clothes." With that she turned and left the room, closing the door behind her. I listened to her footsteps from the other side of the door.
I took my shirt and my pants off, staying out of view from the mirror above the sink. I stared at the shower curiously, it was like a cubicle, the only way to get in was to slide the clear glass door. I found it strange there wasn't a curtain.
I got in and slid the door shut. I froze when turning to the tap, expecting for there to be two. One for hot, one for cold, but there was only a single weird shaped tap.
What the hell is this?
I thought that maybe the water would be neutral, I still found it super weird. I reached forward and turned it upward as far as it would go. I heard the pipes rumble a little before water started coming out onto my head and bare shoulders. It was cool at first but then became scolding hot.
I practically screeched, jumping out of the water into the corner of the stall.
After a moment of trying to push forward any courage I had, I pushed myself forward and turned the tap in the opposite direction and the water shut off. I leaned against the cold tiles in the shower, panting.
"Toby?" Carol said knocking on the door, "are you-"
"-M'fine!" I called back, glaring at the evil tap.
I experimented with the tap a little, finally realising how it worked.
There were two tiny bottles, I wasn't sure why there were two. I just took one and washed my hair with a little of what was in it. It was really hard with my hair so tangled, I wish I would've brushed my hair before, but I still didn't have a brush. I washed the rest of myself and turned the tap off again.
When I got out, I noticed the toilet seat had been put down and there were some folded clothes on it along with a towel. I stared for a moment, trying to figure out when Carol put them there. I shook my head and wiped the water off me as much as I could.
The pajama pants were purple with a tie around the waist, they seemed to fit okay. I lifted the shirt up and my stomach flipped. The sleeves were short, more than short, it was almost a tank top.
I looked down at my dirty clothes, tempting to put my black shirt on instead.
Thinking about it, I came up with the idea that it wouldn't be as bad as I thought once I had it on. So I put on the shirt, looking down at my shoulders, disappointed with how much skin was showing. Even the neck was low cut so a little of my chest was shown. Not all of the cigarette burns were visible, but it was still too much and it made me nervous.
There was a particularly large scar that curved over my shoulder from my back, that was one from the belt. It wasn't that bad, but it was the worst one visible and also most noticeable.
Carol seemed to have noticed the water was off so she knocked on the door asking if I was out and everything fit okay. I wasn't sure how to answer, the clothes fit but I couldn't go out in that shirt. I thought about it way too long, because Carol opened the door and peaked in.
As soon as I heard the door opening, I grabbed the towel on the floor and put it around my shoulders, like a blanket.
"Are you dressed?" She asked, when she realised I was, she said, "Oh, take off that wet towel, you'll get the clothes wet."
"Do . . . is there another shirt?" I made myself asked, looking down.
"Why? What's wrong with that one? It doesn't fit?"
I shrugged, not sure if I should lie or not.
"What's the problem? I can't help if you don't tell me what's wrong."
"Sleeves," I mumbled. "I need sleeves."
I looked up at her and she was looking down at me with narrowed eyes, after a moment her expression softened, "sweetie, can you take the towel off?"
I shook my head, looking back down.
"Why?"
I bit the inside of my cheek, anxiety filling me. I wasn't sure what to say or do, I wasn't answering her questions and I knew that was bad. I knew I was going to be in trouble, or at least I was supposed to be. Carol didn't seem mad, so I wasn't sure.
"Daddy says I ain't s'posed to show how bad I been," I finally said quietly, embarrassed. Maybe then she would get it.
After a moment, Carol stepped forward, she reached her hands out slowly, as if in warning. Then she took the towel from me when she saw I wasn't going to fight her on it. I didn't see the point, I already told her I was bad.
When the towel was off, there was only silence. I could feel her staring and wanted the towel back on, but I wouldn't look at her. I wasn't sure what would happen, if she would tell the others, like Shane, how bad I was. And if she did, then what? Would I be in even more trouble?
All I knew was that I was never supposed to let anyone see, and I had done just that. But I wasn't sure how much of a problem this would be unless Daddy was here, then I knew I would be in trouble.
Sure Daddy wasn't here now, but he could be in the future. He couldn't stay where he was forever, wherever that was. He would come back at some point, he didn't know where we were but there was still a chance . . .
When he did come back, it would be better if less people know about how bad I was, the less people know, the lesser chance he had of finding out I let someone see.
To my surprise, Carol didn't say anything. After a few long, agonizing moments, she turned and left the bathroom. I watched her go, panicked for a split second before she came back with what looked like a sweater.
"Let's try this," she said, I could tell she was hesitant. She seemed almost disturbed, flighty shaky as she helped me get my arms through the long sleeves. The sweater was thin and green, and zipped up at the front. I didn't like the colour but didn't say so. When it was on I zipped it all the way up to my neck.
"Better?" She asked. I nodded but looked down again, nervous and ashamed. "You're not in trouble, you don't need to worry. He's gone."
I looked back up at her with narrowed eyes, attempting to keep my expression blank. What she said made me a little angry, as if I didn't know Daddy wasn't here. Was she trying to rub it in my face? Carol had been nice to me, so this statement confused me. I didn't say anything though, I felt like I had spoken enough for the day. I had been good, cooperative. I just wanted to sleep and be alone.
"Would you let me brush your hair?"
Reluctantly, I nodded. Disappointed I wasn't leaving yet. Of course, I could've told her no, but my hair had been almost impossible to wash in the shower with the knots. I couldn't remember the last time I tried brushing it, I still didn't have my own brush. My scalp was sore from tugging at my hair in the shower, trying to rid of the knots with my fingers.
She left the room again and came back with what she said was Sophia's brush. She had me stand in front of the mirror, while she stood behind me. She started at the ends of my hair, the process was long and painful. I yelped and whimpered several times, my eyes teared up. I hated this, I hated having to maintain the hair I had, it was annoying and seemed pointless.
"Can't let it get like this again, sweetie," Carol said as she straightened out another large knot. "You need to take care of it, if you don't, it'll just hurt every time."
"I don't gotta brush."
"We'll find you one then, until then just ask and you can borrow Sophia's, or even Lori's. Don't be afraid to ask."
I hate asking for things. It wasn't like I expected things to just be given to me, in fact, I expected the opposite. When I was at home if I needed something, I'd get it. If not, I would wait until Daddy got home, but I knew better then to bug him with things that weren't necessary. If we needed food he would bring food, I'd have no choice but to wait otherwise. I was used to doing things myself, Daddy wasn't always home, Daddy said it was good for me, he wanted me to be independent.
I sighed with relief when she was finally done. She walked with me out of the bathroom, then I abruptly turned to get my dirty clothes. But Carol stopped me, telling me she'd wash them for me.
On the way out, I noticed the room was dark with one lamp on in the far corner, away from the bed. In the bed, someone was lying under the covers. At some point, I was guessing during my shower that Carol had put Sophia to bed.
I found it so weird that Carol and Lori took their kids to bed. Even Shane felt the need to 'tuck me in'. At home, when it was time for me to go to bed, he'd just straight up tell me to go to bed. Why didn't they do they same?
Just when I was about to leave, Carol stopped me. "Do you need somewhere to sleep? You can take the couch, or-or I can. You can share the bed with Sophia."
I looked up at her for a long moment before shaking my head. This was the most time I ever spent with Carol, and it had been . . . much too personal for me. I wanted to breathe, in a different room. I wanted to be alone for at least a minute. I would have to find somewhere to sleep, everyone being in different rooms made me feel better. If I woke up from a nightmare too loudly, they were less likely to here, then I wouldn't wake anyone and I wouldn't get in trouble. After being alone for a few minutes, maybe I'd try to find Shane. Daryl didn't want me around anymore.
Maybe I could sleep in the rec room, I thought, there was a couch, and since Sophia was in bed, I bet Carl was too. I had somewhere to sleep away from everyone else and didn't have to bug anyone.
But even if I didn't decide to sleep there and find Shane, I had to get my bag, I had left it in there. I didn't even know which room Shane had gone in.
"Thank you," I said to Carol, it was quiet and obviously nervous sounded. She just smiled and nodded.
When I turned to walk down the hall I heard her door click closed. I looked toward the end of the hall to see the rec room door was closed, I knew Carol didn't close it when she took me to her room. But maybe she did when she took Sophia, or even Lori and Carl. I assumed no one was in there.
I was proven wrong when I approached the door. I heard something on the other side, a voice maybe. It was muffled and quiet, but the sound itself was sharp, high. Maybe a girl's voice, I put my ear closer to the door, it did sound like a voice, maybe Lori's. But I couldn't make out any actual words, I wasn't even sure if she was using words, but it seemed panicked.
I put my hand on the doorknob and turned it, utterly confused with what I was hearing. I pushed the door open and looked in, the sound a bit more clear.
My body tensed up, paralysis kicking in at what I saw.
Shane's back was to me, at the game table, someone was in front of him on the table, legs on either side of his hips. I couldn't see her face but I knew it was Lori, she was sitting, or pinned to the table in front of him
With Lori blocked and Shane's back to me, I couldn't tell what was happening, but she was clearly struggling. Her voice got louder and she was yelling at Shane.
Suddenly, there was a loud smack of skin on skin, Shane's head whipped to the side and he stumbled back a couple steps.
My mouth was open and my hand still on the doorknob. Shane froze for a moment, he was slightly turned to me and must've saw me. He slowly turned all the way, his eyes wide and red scratches along his jaw and neck.
His eyes met mine and we stared, "Toby."
He was facing me so I could now see Lori. I looked at her fully, tears were running down her face and her cheeks were red. Her hair was a mess and she was shaking. She was breathing deeply as if trying to catch her breath, I had interpreted the sound correctly it seemed. All I could see was panic.
"Oh, God." Lori exclaimed.
Then I felt it too.
I had never seen Lori like that, especially with Shane. Before Rick was around she was usually with Shane, and she seemed happy. She was never scared of him, not that I'd seen.
I looked back at Shane, cringing at the look in his eyes. He glanced quickly at Lori and then at me.
I'd seen Shane mad several times. Mostly at Merle or Daryl, actually both Merle and Daryl. But this looked different, there was anger, and also panic, but different from Lori. His panic was directed toward me. There was something else, but I couldn't interpret this, I didn't understand. That confusion built on my panic as Shane took a step toward me, opening his mouth, but his expression hadn't softened the slightest bit
I took a step back, then I hurried and backed out all the way, closing the door quickly. I didn't know what had happened, but I was scared. I rushed down the hall, then I heard running footsteps and Shane yelling after me.
I always thought I was a quick runner, but Shane caught up quickly.
"Stop! Toby!" Shane got me by my arm halting me in place. "Stop running!" I tried to keep going but he took hold of both of my shoulders then pushed me against the wall, holding me tightly in place.
I struggled, attempting to push him away but I was too small. I didn't make him budge.
"Stop, Stop and be quiet!" He yelled, his voice raspy as if trying to keep himself quiet. His face was only inches from mine, he had lowered himself at some point. He was crouching in front of me as he held my shoulders.
I stilled myself, beginning to shake. I had a feeling of what would come, although there was little doubt in me I pushed it away. Shane had never really punished me, he said once I didn't have to worry about that, but now it seemed he must've had enough.
Shane stared me down with hard eyes, obviously angry but otherwise unreadable. I could smell the wine from before on it and can't say I liked the smell.
"You, what you . . . you forget that, you forget what you just saw. You don't tell anybody," He told me, he seemed to struggle getting the right words out, he seemed so panicked. "Understand me?"
He made sudden movement to pull me closer and I flinched, closing my eyes, waiting for the moment he let's go of me and shows how much trouble I was in.
I didn't understand what I did, I knew what I had done before. But for him to be so angry in that moment I didn't understand, I saw something bad, that much was obvious. I didn't understand exactly what happened though, all I knew was that Lori was scared and crying and Shane was angry among other things.
"Hey!" He said urgently, shaking me, "Look at me! Are you listening? You can't tell anyone!"
Without really thinking I started shaking my head, indicating I wouldn't say anything and looked down. I wasn't even sure what I would say if I did with someone. I didn't want to be in trouble, I didn't want this to be happening. I hadn't been good, I understood I would have to take the punishment, but Shane had never seemed like he would until now. I just wanted to take the beating and leave, I wanted to hide somewhere, try and sort out how confused I was.
Shane took one hand off of one shoulder and grabbed onto the bottom of my jaw, forcing me to look up at him, "You need to be quiet about this, you hear me?"
"Quiet 'bout what? The hell is goin' on here?"
Shane turned his head, with Shane's grip I couldn't move a lot but I was able to follow his eyes to Daryl, who was standing ten feet away. His hair was wet and he was wearing a different shirt, one that the sleeves had been ripped off. His eyebrows were scrunched together but his eyes were wide, surveying the scene in front of him.
I knew it was bad as soon as I tried it, but I panicked. It was one thing seeing Daddy mad at me and being ready for it, but I hadn't seen Shane like that before. I made a move to push myself away again, toward Daryl. But Shane had moved his hand on my jaw, back to my other shoulder to hold me against the wall.
"Knock it off!" Shane told me, "I'm talking to you!"
I shrunk against the wall as he yelled, and Daryl started to come closer.
"Eh, let her go, ya prick. The fuck is wrong with ya?!"
Shane stood up, taking one hand off me as he turned to Daryl, the other hand still on one shoulder.
"Stay out of this! You've done enough damage, you and your douchebag brother."
"What the fuck did ya just say?!"
"You heard what I said." Shane said, his voice deepening. Shane started to turn back to me, catching my eyes, but Daryl's voice drew him away again.
"Scarin' lil' girls, that what gets you off?" Daryl stared Shane hard in the eyes, crossing his arms.
A low rumbling sound came from Shane, almost growl-like, "Maybe it's you who gets off on little girls, that's why you and your brother kept her around, right?"
There wasn't a moment's hesitation before Daryl's fist collided with Shane's jaw. Shane reared back from the impact, his hand releasing me but I didn't move from my spot. Shane straightened himself out, his hand holding his jaw, he wiped it with his wrist and looked at it, searching for blood.
"Wanna say that again, asshole?!"
Shane scoffed, there was a small smile on his face, but he was anything but happy. "Everyone knows exactly what that sick bastard wanted her around for."
Daryl charged at Shane and practically threw him into the wall. Shane quickly recovered, returning a punch into Daryl's face. Before Daryl could fall to the ground, Shane grabbed him by the shirt and held him against the wall, I heard the rasp of material ripping. Shane threw his fist into Daryl's face once again but Daryl countered with a blow into his chest.
The wind seemed to get knocked out of Shane as he stumbled back and Daryl jumped him again. I started to hear other voices, but I couldn't look away from the fight. I couldn't move and wasn't sure what to do. I was breathing heavily, panic burning inside.
"Shit, what happened?!" I heard Glenn yell.
"Guys, chill!" T-Dog yelled, seeing the scene.
Rick ran to the two men, trying to stop them and break them apart. Instead, Rick received a blow from Daryl knocking him toward me. He stopped himself from falling to the ground in front of me.
"Glenn, T-Dog," Rick called. The two of them came when called.
"Someone get the kid out of the way!" T-Dog said.
In a moment I felt arms wrap around me, pinning my arms to my sides. I didn't try and see who it was, I couldn't take my eyes away from what was happening. I was lifted off the ground and carried me a couple metres away. When I was put down, Dale crouched in front me, the others were still trying to stop the fight going on behind him. Dale tried asking me if I was okay, but I didn't listen, instead trying to see what was happening over his shoulder.
Dale blocks my view, "hey, it's okay, don't worry. Rick'll take care of it."
I met Dale's wide eyes, he was nodding his head, attempting to be convincing.
I started to shake again as tears filled and left my eyes, "I-I don't, I don't know what I did." I sobbed.
Dale wrapped his arms around me and brought me into his chest, I was startled by the action and not sure what to do. But I didn't fight him, I let him hold me.
"Shh, you didn't do anything, everything's fine."
With Dale holding me, all the other sounds and voices were muffled. After a moment, things seemed quiet and I pulled away, looking over his shoulder, he did the same, curious if it was over. Rick was holding onto Shane, and T-Dog held onto Daryl, Glenn was in between both of them holding his arms out.
All of the men were panting, I noticed Lori and Carol were watching too, I didn't know when they came into the mix, but Sophia and Carl weren't in sight.
"Either of you going to explain what happened?"
Silence followed, all Shane did was glare at Daryl, looking as if he was ready to pounce as soon as Rick released him.
Daryl looked about the same, but much more aware. I couldn't see his face because his back was to me, but I could tell he was looking at the people around him. Even with T-Dog holding onto him, he seemed to straighten himself out. I couldn't see his face so I couldn't read his expression.
After a few moments of silence, Daryl jerked away from T-Dog, "let go of me!"
T-Dog obliged, backing away from him with his hands up. Daryl looked around, everyone seemed to be looking at him, expectant and anxious. Daryl turned a little, his eyes briefly flickered to mine and Dale's.
Daryl's lip curled at the attention he was getting, showing his clenched teeth which revealed his frustration. Daryl began storming off, walking past me I heard him utter, "Assholes . . ."
I watched his back as he went, the glanced back at the people gathered. Rick was saying something quietly in Shane's ear as he released him.
Shane still looked really angry, not completely aware of everyone around him, his eyes met mine. I did a quick breath intake at the sudden attention, becoming fearful once again. Before I could think about it too much, I turned and sped after Daryl. I heard Dale calling me but he didn't follow. I was running after Daryl without his knowledge.
Daryl turned and opened a door to what I guessed was the room he had claimed. He turned briefly, seeing me. He paused for a moment, then motioned his head for me to go in. I hesitated then walked into his room, looking back at him to see him holding his middle finger up toward the others.
He walked in, slamming the door shut behind him. He stared at me, still looking angry. I wasn't sure if he was mad at me or not. I still didn't understand why Shane was yelling at me.
"You okay?"
I looked down, biting the inside of my cheek. I wasn't sure where it was coming from but I suddenly felt angry, annoyed. I was so sick of being asked that, no one had ever asked me that question before I met these people, now it was like the only thing I heard. I didn't know how to answer, I didn't feel okay but would he really care otherwise? He didn't even want me around earlier.
Why am I even here? I resort to shrugging, not giving a yes or a no.
"Ya hurt or anythin'?"
I looked up at him with my eyes but didn't lift my head, I shook my head, telling him no. He sighed in response, running a hand over his face.
"The hell was he goin' on 'bout? Ya do somethin'?"
"I dunno," I said quietly. I meant for it to come out clear but my voice was quiet and it cracked, I wasn't even sure if he heard me. As soon as I spoke my eyes started watering again and I wanted to cry. I kept my eyes wide and held my breath, trying to do anything but cry. I couldn't deny I was scared of Shane in that moment, completely confused with his outburst at me, though I knew it had something to do with what was happening with Lori.
"Ya didn't do anythin', whiny bitch just can't hold his liquor." He scoffed, walking past me. I followed him with my eyes, standing in place as he walked around the couch in his room to the bed. He stopped by the nightstand, on it was a wine bottle that looked almost empty. He took the bottle, taking two large gulps from it.
He turned to me, noticed me staring, "what?"
I looked down again, pretending I wasn't looking.
"What is it?" He asked, annoyance lacing his tone.
I shrugged again.
Daryl groaned, "Stop, I hate it when ya do that."
I looked back at him, narrowing my eyes in confusion.
"Don't act like ya don't know how ta talk. Ya act like if ya say anythin' someone's gonna beat ya." he shook his head, taking another swig of the wine.
"C-Can I stay?" I blurted, finally letting myself breathe. Daryl looked at me, confused. "I-I meant . . . with you. H-Here . . ."
He looked down at the bottle in his hands, then slowly put it back down on the night stand. "You usually stay with Shane." It wasn't a question, more like an observation. I nodded, nervous.
Daryl looked around scratching his head. His eyes seemed to find something on the far side of the room. He walked over to a closet, muttering, "Doc said somethin' 'bout blankets . . ."
I watched as he reached out, pulling a white folded blanket out, along with a pillow. He walked toward me, stopping behind the couch and dropping both items on top of it. He walked around the couch to the door, turning the light switch off. A lamp by the bed was still on. He turned to me, "take the bed."
I scrunched my face in confusion, I expected to take the couch, "why? Aren't you gonna . . ."
"Just do it, and-"
"-Be quiet." I said.
He stopped to stare at me for a minute, "sleep, I was gonna say sleep."
I nodded and watched as he settled onto the couch, "turn that damn light off."
I went over to the bed and did as he said. The room was dark afterwards but I could barely make out the bed. I got on it and moved the blankets until I could shift myself under them. Then I laid my head down. Feeling relieved for the first time in a long time.
The first thing I notice, the easiest thing to notice is how bright it is. I'm in some white room but can't make myself move around to see it better. It's bright, but for some reason I can't tell what's in front of me, I just know it's white and bright.
Involuntarily, I look down at myself. I'm surprised and confused to see I'm not wearing anything. It wasn't what confused me most, my body didn't look like my body. I didn't have a lot of scars on my stomach, but there were some. I didn't see a single one.
I glance at my arms, all the cigarette burns that are supposed to be there, aren't. I was completely bare. Even the small mole on the left side of my abdomen, right over my rib cage, was gone.
The there was a loud banging and I see there's a door beside me, the door is white. Someone is banging on the other side and someone is yelling. I couldn't make out the words but I know it's Shane.
I'm scared and confused, wanting to run and hide but I can't do anything. I wasn't even sure if I had anywhere to go. The banging gets faster and louder, there's another voice. It's Daddy, he doesn't sound any happier then Shane. I can feel myself crying, he's been gone and I want to see him but he's mad, and it scares me, of course he's mad. Why wouldn't he be?
I could hear him yelling at me, telling me I should've stayed in the car. I looked down at myself, my eyes widening and I let out a scream.
My stomach is covered in blood, completely covered along with my legs. I try to wipe it off but it doesn't go anywhere, my hand gets bloody too and I can't wipe any of it off. I'm crying and panicking trying to figure out where the blood is coming from. Am I hurt? Where am I bleeding? As far as I could tell I wasn't hurt, but I was panicking too much to tell. I was crying and screaming, but the blood wouldn't go away.
I looked up, seeing there was a mirror in front of me, I didn't know if it was there earlier or not. Seeing myself in the mirror, there's no blood. I look back down and it's still there, a pool is forming around my feet but the blood hasn't left my skin. I'm almost completely coated in it, like it's a second skin.
I tried harder but the blood wouldn't come off and I couldn't tell if I was hurt, I could hardly breathe.
Then everything is dark, I can hear someone talking and I feel myself holding on to me and shaking me, but I'm still crying, yelling.
"Stop it, wake up! The hell is wrong with ya?!" It takes me a minute before I can open my eyes.
The lamp by the bed had been turned on. Daryl was holding me up into a half sitting position, furiously shaking me. I tried to quiet myself, stopping the yelling but I still couldn't breathe. I was hyperventilating. When he noticed my eyes were open and he stopped shaking me.
"Christ, girl, just breathe normal!" He exclaimed, annoyed and looking freaked out, "just take it slow."
My breathing was short and rapid, I tried my best to slow it down by taking deeper ones, but it takes a while for it to calm down. I looked at Daryl, just as I started to calm myself I started getting scared again, realizing I must've woken him up. "I-I'm s-sorry! I d-didn't . . . I don'-I-I j-just-"
"-Stop, can't hear a single fuckin' word you're sayin'. Just breathe."
I did as he said, I only noticed how much my body is shaking when he released me. He was standing over the bed, quiet for the next few minutes while I attempted to calm myself down. A little later, I was still softly sobbing but wasn't shaking as much and was breathing a lot better.
"You were screamin'," he told me, "Scared the livin' shit outta me, thought a Walker got in or some shit."
I brought my wrist up, using my sleeve to wipe the snot that was running down my nose. With the other wrist I wiped my tears. The blanket had been completely pushed to the end of the bed, away from me. I knew it had been my doing, from thrashing and kicking while I was sleeping.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, trying to keep my voice even. "I didn't mean to wake you up, I-I won't do it again."
I watched as Daryl ran his hand over his face, he sighed. His expression was blank, unreadable, he really just looked tired if anything else.
"A-Are ya mad at me? Do ya want me ta go, I-I can go-"
"-Stop." He put his hand on his face, rubbing his eyes. I waited several moments but he didn't say anything say anything else.
"You're not gonna yell at me?"
He moved his hand, his eyes narrowed at me, "why the hell would I yell at ya?"
Daryl looked around, then made a move like he was about to walk away, that startled me and I sat up. Daryl noticed and looked at me, "relax, I ain't goin nowhere."
Unexpectedly, Daryl sat on the edge of the bed beside me. He placed his hand on my head, gently pushing me back down. I obeyed, lying down, and he took his hand back. Looking away from me.
"That happen lots?"
"Sometimes . . ." I lied.
He looked down at me, the light from the lamp showing his soft expression. "What did ya dream 'bout?"
I looked away, suddenly finding the blanket very interesting. After thinking about it, I realized I didn't remember. It was always hard to remember after I woke up. I thought harder, but the harder I tried to remember the more I forgot.
"Blood . . ." I answered finally, the only thing I could remember was that I was bleeding. I didn't remember why.
"You don't gotta be scared, not tonight." He said quietly, looking away while fiddling with his hands.
I stared at him silently, thinking over what happened earlier. I remembered how angry he was when he saw Shane yelling at me. According to him I didn't do anything wrong, though he wasn't around before Shane started yelling. Maybe if he knew why Shane was yelling, he'd agree with Shane that I was bad.
But I wasn't even sure what I did. I didn't understand Shane, I had never seen him so mad, especially at me. Even when I pointed his own gun at him he didn't yell at me this much. I thought about that once it came to mind, Shane telling me how it couldn't happen again. When I had flinched from him yelling and coming closer, he assured he wasn't going to hurt me and I didn't have to worry about that. But that night . . . something was very different in Shane, was it the alcohol?
"What're you staring for?" Daryl spoke with annoyance.
I hadn't even realised I was still looking while I was thinking, "N-Nothin' . . . Just thinkin'."
He hesitated, then sighed and nudged me over, "Move."
I did as he said, moving myself over. Daryl lied himself down on top of the blankets, his hands on his stomach.
"What?" He asked looking at me. I could smell the wine from his breathe.
"I'm just . . . confused." I said, l lied down, we were a few inches apart.
"'Bout?"
I bit my lip, answering quietly, "Grown ups."
"Me?"
" . . . Sometimes."
"What else?"
This, I thought. Daryl was pushing for me to talk, he had only did this once before. And that was on the drive to where we were now. He seemed mad I had been talking to Shane and not him. I wasn't sure why he wanted me to talk, but I didn't want to sleep, so I answered.
"Grown ups . . . I just don't get it, any of you. Ya say one thing, then act like ya said somethin' else. These people are just . . . weird. I don't get it."
Daryl breathed out a quiet laugh, "That's because grown ups don' talways know what they want. The older ya are the more confusing it gets . . . Unless you're Merle, then it's easy. Drugs, booze, and pus-Oh, uh . . . I guess I shouldn't say that."
Then came even more confusion, I looked at him and he just shook his head.
"That all?" He asked.
I pressed my lips together, thinking. My eyes started watering again. "I want ta go home, I don't like it here."
He didn't say anything, he sighed, but it didn't sound like he was annoyed. After I started I just blurted the rest.
"I-I don't like Shane anymore, I never liked him that much but he was nice. He's mad at me and I don't know what I did . . . he was kinda . . . scary, I don't know. I don't know what ta do here, with everyone. They all look at me like I'm weird, like I'm always doin' somethin' wrong. I don't like talkin' and they want me ta talk, then when I do talk they give me funny looks."
Daryl shifted, putting one of his hands behind his head, getting comfortable as he stared at the ceiling, "They just don't know what ta say, your dad isn't here, they're not sure what ta say ta ya. As for Shane, he's drunk and he's an asshole, don't think he would do anythin' ta ya. Ya don't have to be scared of him."
"You're drunk, right?" I asked.
"Downright shitfaced."
I bit my lip again, "You're not an asshole."
Daryl didn't say anything. He was silent. His breathing was quiet and even, mine was beginning to sound that way.
Something had been bugging me, but I was afraid to ask until now. Daryl seemed the calmest I'd ever seen him. "What did that mean, what Shane said?"
Daryl scoffed, his tone short, "What ya mean? He said loads a'shit back there."
"'Bout lil' girls."
Daryl shifted his weight, as if uncomfortable. "Nothin', he's drunk."
"You said it too."
He laughed again, a little louder this time. "Well, I'm drunk too."
"Daryl?"
"Hmm?"
"We gonna be here a while?"
He shrugged a shoulder, "prob'ly. Don't got nowhere else ta go, less Rick and Deputy Dipshit got 'nother plan."
I nodded, looking away. We were both silent for a few minutes, then Daryl sighed.
"Sleep now, fuckin' exhausted." He said, I heard the click of the lamp and darkness flooded the room.
I was scared to go back to sleep, but Daryl being close gave me an odd sense of comfort. One I didn't understand, but I didn't understand a lot of things.
Embarrassment filled me, I woke him up, had been crying the hardest I had in weeks. Usually if I cried, I knew better than to let anyone see. I was weak, I knew Daddy would be disappointed. I had to be strong, brave. I needed to stop acting like a damn baby and like a big girl. I needed to be Like Daddy, like Merle, like Daryl, even be like Shane.
They were brave, they were strong. I had to be the same, especially if I wanted to stay on Daryl's good side. I decided then that I would work on my expressions more, be blank. I couldn't show anyone what I thought or felt, that was weak. I needed to stop being so damn dramatic.
No more crying, that wasn't going to help anything.
No more crying.