I've been accepted into the Broadcasting: Television, Radio, and Film program at Niagara College! I'll be starting in September. I'm really nervous and excited. When school starts I'll be busy and once again, chapters may be even more delayed. So I'm hoping to finish as many chapters as possible and bring Merle back quick. Don't worry, I hear your pleas, I miss him too.

Nostalgia

"Hold it steady, just like that. You'll get this, it takes time, but you'll get it."

Shane was standing behind me, one of his hands were on one of my arms, helping me hold the gun up. His other hand was placed over mine on the gun. I was looking through the sight of the gun, Shane's head was behind mine, I guessed he was trying to do the same.

I wasn't sure how long we'd been there, but it was starting to get dark, and I hadn't hit anywhere near the target.

When we first got there, Shane cursed himself and smacked the steering wheel in frustration. Apparently, he was so angry at the time he never thought to get another gun for me. So for the time being, just like when I was disassembling, I was using his. I wondered why we didn't go back, or just wait another time so I had a different gun. Why would he let me waste his ammo? I didn't ask though. The good thing about it was that Shane kept an extra box of bullets on him. I didn't ask him why he did that either.

Right before we started was when Shane realised I wasn't wearing my shoes. He started to tell me that I should keep them on but I told him that they didn't fit. To my surprise, he said the same as Maggie, that he'd try and find something when he got the chance.

"Just gotta squeeze the trigger, don't jerk it. You'll feel a little kick."

I clenched my teeth, holding back from saying, I know. He put his finger on mine and together we pulled the trigger. The bullet hit the metal can on the fence post we were aiming at. The can flew off the post.

"See? You did it."

"You did it," I said, lowering the Glock. My arms were getting tired, it was a heavy piece, "that was you."

Shane didn't respond as he walked over to the fence to reposition the can.

"Alright fine, you do it."

When Shane was back behind me I lifted the gun and pulled the hammer down, loading a bullet into the chamber. Shane put his hands on my shoulder, steadying me as I pulled the trigger and felt the kickback.

I sighed in frustration, having no idea where that bullet went. Good thing I didn't pull the trigger back at the quarry, I probably would've hit Daryl.

"Yes you can, you just have to keep trying."

"I have been!" I said loudly, almost yelling.

"Not hard enough."

"I'm just wastin' ammo. If I couldn't try hard enough with daddy why do ya think I could with you?"

I was looking down at my feet but I knew Shane was looking at me.

"What do you mean by that?" He said after a while.

"I dunno how else to try," I muttered

There was a long pause before he spoke again, "your dad, he took you shooting before, right?"

"Yeah. Gave up cause I wasn't learnin' anythin'. Said I wasn't tryin'."

Shane lowered himself to me and I turned to him. I didn't want to do this anymore, at first I was excited, thinking I'd finally do it. Then when I saw Daddy again I could show him, but there I was again, screwing it up. I couldn't hit a target to save a life.

"That's why you can't do this," he told me firmly, his expression serious. "Because you know you can't. You have to want it, you have to see it. Know that you'll blow a hole through that tin. Or else we're doing this for nothing. You want to get this right?"

I nodded hesitantly.

"Then act like it. You keep trying, you're not giving up. I get it, this isn't the ideal gun to train with but we're not gonna get anywhere with any gun when you got this attitude about it. You hear me?"

"I . . . I dunno." I said honestly, confused.

"You gotta want this," he said, looking me in the eye.

"I do."

"Show me, make me believe it. Again."

I sighed, trying to relax myself the best I could. I took a deep breath, like Shane had been telling me. I took my time, getting the target in my sights. I took another breath and squeezed the trigger. It missed.

"You're too tense," he observed. "You're waiting for the kick, I get that. But you can't be afraid of it, relax, let it happen. Let it help guide the bullet. Kickback ain't your enemy, don't fight it."

I looked back to the target, processing his words. The gun felt so heavy and my arms were getting so tired. But there was something in the way that Shane pushed, how he wanted me to hit the target, that kept my arms up.

I followed Shane's direction, remembering and taking in all that he told me in the lesson. This time, relaxing much more, waiting to let the kickback take over. I thought about how the kickback would raise the gun slightly so I didn't point at the target, but much lower.

"You got this, kiddo."

I pulled the trigger and followed Shane's instructions. Afterward I lowered the gun, staring at the fence post in disbelief. Shane stood up straight, walking over to it. I took a few steps forward, just to see it better. No, I didn't hit the target, but even with how far I was, I could see the new marking in the fence post, just a few inches below the can.

Shane stood beside it, pointing to where the bullet went and giving me a smile. I couldn't help but return it, pride and excitement filling me.

"I told you! You got this!"

After Shane got out of the way we continued. I didn't hit the target but with every few shots we saw wood chips flying off the post. By the time Shane said we should go back, I had that post practically mutilated.

"I was talking with Rick this morning, well actually, fighting with him. Was trying to make him see that you and Carl should be out there with us, practising."

"They ain't gonna let me," I said, "it's 'cause I aimed a gun at you."

Shane actually laughed a little, "they're gonna have to get over that, I did. At the time you thought it was the right thing. That you were protecting someone. Rick, Hershel, all of them need to start seeing it isn't how it was before. But they won't let it go, that's why Hershel keeps the dead in his barn and that's why the others don't want you to shoot. They think you don't need to. It's nostalgia, that's what it is."

I was watching his expression as he drove, listening to what he was saying. I wasn't sure what it was but suddenly, I felt at ease with him. On the way here I was nervous, and wasn't sure if I should ask to go back. After shooting I felt a lot different, and found myself hanging on to every word he said. It was a different pace than with Daryl, Shane told me what he thought, what was on his mind. While Daryl was quiet and had no interest in sharing his thoughts. Unless he was angry and wanted to call someone an asshole.

"What's that mean?" I asked.

"Nostalgia?" He glanced my way quickly before putting his eyes back on the road. "It's like . . . everyone back at the farm, they're all stuck in the past, because they want to be. Before the dead started walking. They want to remember the happy times and stay there. It's like being homesick."

I thought it all over. If they wanted to be in the happy times then why keep the Walkers in the barn? Pretending would be a lot easier if they were gone.

"It's like a drug," Shane continued. "Keeps people from seeing things the way they are. That's a danger, especially when you have people depending on you."

I turned away, looking out the window. We were passing by more and more fields like ours at the farm, and very far in the back was where the forest was. We passed a few Walkers and I wondered if Shane would stop the car to take care of them. I didn't ask and he didn't stop, I guessed he didn't care about them.

"I'm proud of you. You did really good today," Shane broke the silence. "You made a lot more progress than I thought you would. More than some at practise today."

"Really?" I said in disbelief.

"It didn't go too well today, mostly with Hershel's people. Glenn didn't do very good either, but he's getting it."

Wow, I thought, so I'm not the only one that sucks at this.

"I don't doubt you'll get the target the next time we go. I'll be talkin' to Rick when we get back, he needs to see that you kids need this. I'll focus on Carl, he may get the point quicker that way. And once Carl gets the okay they can't very well tell you no."

I didn't really understand his plan, but nodded nonetheless. I looked out the window again, I felt myself smiling as his words rang in my ears.

I'm proud of you.

Rick was striding toward the car just as soon as Shane had it parked, he didn't look happy. He told me to go and that he'd take care of it. I got out of the car and rushed passed Rick, wanting no part in what was going to be said.

The sun was almost entirely gone. I wasn't sure what to do with myself, I felt a lot better than I did that morning. I kept walking and looked around, wondering if I should just go in the RV. I glanced over at the porch and saw Carl was there sitting on a chair.

I swallowed, thinking hard before I started toward him. I walked up the steps, there was a lantern placed beside him so he could see better. I pressed my lips together anxiously, the closer I got to him the slower I walked. Soon enough I sat in the chair next to him, the table with the lantern between us.

Carl lifted his head from the comic to meet my eyes. He gave me a small smile, it looked forced, like he was unsure. I racked my brain, trying to think of something to say. Do I apologize? I wasn't very nice to him today. He's nice to me and I just ignored him.

I opened my mouth and closed it. I didn't know what to say and it felt so awkward, my stomach churned with anxiety. I realized I was afraid he might be mad at me.

Then I heard his voice, I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't noticed he looked back to his comic and started to read. He tilted the comic my way slightly so I could see.

I felt myself smile. I brought my knees up to my chest, listening intently.

I looked around and saw nothing, no RV, no house. I took a step forward only to stumble back.

I looked down to see what I stepped on to see it was an arm. The arm was attached to a body, from what I could tell it had been a Walkers. When I looked back up, they were everywhere, but all lying on the ground.

The bodies weren't the only thing I noticed. There were walls around me, wooden panels. There was hay everywhere. I went to the closed doors, which were very large. I pushed on them, they went forward only a little before bouncing back. I pushed again, see between the doors there were chains. It was chained shut from the outside. I knew it would be pointless but for some reason I couldn't stop myself from pushing and banging on the doors.

Then I heard the groans and shuffling. I turned around, to see the Walkers were getting up. At first I thought they'd come for me, but their attention was diverted to something else. Someone else.

I stared at the man who was suddenly standing in the middle of all the walking corpses, all of their attention was on him. It took me a few seconds to recognise him, he was holding a shovel and wearing his cap.

"I'm okay," Jim said, in a calm voice, "I'm okay."

The Walkers got closer and Jim did nothing but stare at me, he didn't even swing his shovel to try and stop them.

I jolted up, my chest felt tight tight and I struggled to breathe for several moments. I looked around, it was dark and I had no idea where I was. When I was finally able to suck in some air, my eyes adjusted to the darkness. After a few minutes of looking around frantically and shaking, I remembered where I was.

That was one of the worst parts about being away from home, every so often I had to sleep somewhere else, making it harder for me to know where I was when I woke up. At least at home, I always woke up in my bed.

I was in the bed of the RV, I tried to refuse Dale earlier, figuring he or someone else would want the bed but he wouldn't have it. I caved to get away from him honestly, I felt embarrassed. I knew that he had been there when Carl told his dad that I couldn't read, and it was Dale's books that I was pretending with. Fortunately, he never brought it up.

I got out of bed and stretched, I needed to get out, I needed air. I pulled back the curtain that separated the back of the RV from the rest. Guillermo was in a sleeping bag on the floor, and Dale was on the couch.

I stepped around Guillermo, being as quiet as possible and snuck over to the door. I slowly turned the knob, when the door creaked I looked over but they were still sleeping.

Once I was out I took a deep breath, closing my eyes in attempt to relax myself. The details of the dream were becoming blurry. When I opened my eyes I began walking around the RV. I stood at the end, where the bumper was and stared off into the distance at the barn.

A feeling of dread flooded my thoughts as I stared at it, thinking about what was inside. I thought about the nightmare, how for some reason, I was inside with Jim.

Jim. I let out a shake breath, guilt tangling into my feeling of dread. I hadn't thought about him for a while, probably because I didn't want to. He saved me, and then ended up getting bit. Though I wasn't sure if he got bit before or after he helped me, it didn't ease my thoughts at all. I sighed, leaning against the bumper of the RV. I felt my insides jump when I heard a sound, I turned to the direction I heard it. It was the sound of the front door of the house. I watched as Maggie closed the door behind her slowly and began to make her way down the porch steps.

I wasn't sure why I did it, but before I could think more on it I ducked around the corner of the RV so I wouldn't be seen.

I watched as she slowly walked away from the house, looking behind her every so often. I doubted I really needed to hide, considering how dark it was. Maggie disappeared into the darkness as she approached the shed near the chickens.

I narrowed my eyes in confusion then decided to follow. I took my time getting there, looking back every so often, wondering if anyone would see me. I went over to the shed, and I began to hear noises, I thought I heard Maggie say something, then I heard a very soft banging.

I went to the door of the shed, wondering what she was doing there at night. I peered into the shed and froze at what I saw.

It was darker in the shed than outside, but I could just barely make out the figures. It took me a few moments to piece together what I was seeing, and even then I wasn't sure. Maggie was on the table-shelf-thing that was mounted to the wall, the one Shane and I disassembled his Glock on. Her legs were up and wrapped around who was in front of her, the other person seemed to be pushing her repeatedly. It was hard to tell at first because I couldn't see his face, but it looked like Glenn, I'd seen and become familiar with his figure.

They were both breathing heavily, Maggie's head was against his shoulder, I could just make out her face since it was directed at me. Her eyes were closed, her face scrunched up. Her expression looked . . . pained.

Fear crept up on me and I abruptly turned out of view so I wouldn't be seen. I stood out there, listening to them as my mind spun. Do I stop him? Why would he be hurting Maggie?

The fear made my legs feel weak as I remembered a similar situation back at the CDC. I hadn't really seen what Lori and Shane were doing, because his back was to me, all I saw were Lori's legs on either side of his hips.

Just like Maggie.

I remembered how mad Shane had gotten when he saw me, how he chased me down the hall. He'd never been so mad at me. Then him and Daryl ended up getting into a fist fight, and I still didn't know what I'd done wrong. That's what stopped me, I wish it hadn't but I couldn't get myself to move. I heard Maggie let out a sound that sounded somewhere between a whimper and a groan.

I felt my insides cringe, I felt like I was supposed to do something but fear quickly clouded my mind as I stepped further from the doorway, still leaning against the shed. I jumped at the sound my foot made as it crunched a pile of dead leaves.

"Did you hear that?"

If I wasn't sure it was Glenn, his voice confirmed it. Not caring if I made anymore noise I rushed around the corner of the shed so I wouldn't be seen.

I imagined Glenn peeking out the doorway when I heard him say; "I don't see anything."

I felt like I couldn't breathe, I kept thinking back to the CDC with Shane and Lori, and what Lori had said to me the next day when trying to explain it.

Sometimes men do things.

Then without any hesitation, I ran. I ran as fast as I could back to the RV before I got caught.

I ran around the RV, trying to think if I should go in or not but I stopped in my tracks. There, standing a few feet from the RV, was Guillermo, he turned my way, hearing my footsteps. I scrunched my eyebrows, confused at why he was there. We stared at each other for a long time before he turned away.

"Couldn't sleep with all the screaming," he muttered.

I looked around before my eyes flicked back to him, listening. After a few moments of silence I tried to form a sentence, telling him I didn't hear any screaming.

"I . . . I-I don't hear anythin'," I stammered, still attempting to calm myself from what I'd seen.

Guillermo's head snapped back in my direction, he looked startled, "what?"

"N-No one's screamin'," My eye were wide and my chest still felt tight as I struggled to take in breaths. I had no idea what was going on.

"Screaming?" He echoed back blankly.

"You said you heard screamin'," I said back, my voice a little stronger as it was laced with confusion and frustration.

"I said that?" Guillermo's eyes left mine but he didn't turn away, "me estoy volviendo loco."

Before anything else could be said, though I doubt he had anything more to say, I bolted into the RV. Not caring if I woke Dale up I rushed to the back and pulled the curtain closed so quickly I swore I almost tore it off the rod.

I backed away from the curtain and sat myself on the bed. I brought hands to my head and lowered my head onto my lap, trying to make sense of everything, all the while, just one thought echoed through my mind.

What the fuck is happening?

I didn't sleep the rest of the night, but after a while I did lay down. I laid awake for hours until finally passing out around dawn. When I woke up again, the sun was high. I wasn't sure what to do and Daryl still wasn't back, so I went and found Carl. He was sitting in a chair by the fire pit, I took the chair next to him and he greeted me. I tried my best not to think about last night, using Carl and everything possible as a distraction.

I heard some raised voices and glanced over at Rick and Lori, who weren't that far away.

"They've been fighting all morning," Carl told me. "I heard Shane talking to my dad about letting me shoot. He said yes after a while, but mom doesn't like it."

I stared at Lori and Rick, trying to hear them.

"I know. I have my concerns too, but-"

Lori cut Rick off, "-there's no but. Sophia was just shot. She hasn't even woken up and he wants a gun?"

"Better than him being afraid of 'em. We have guns for a reason, he should learn to handle them safely."
"I don't want my child walking around with a gun. It's bad enough we let Toby walk around with knives."
I sighed and glanced at Carl, "why do people always gotta bring me into shit?"

Carl rolled his eyes and shrugged.

"He's growing up. We've got to start treating him more like an adult." Rick said loudly.
"Then he needs to act like one." Lori argued, "he's not mature enough to handle a gun."
Carl stood, I almost grabbed onto him to stop him from interfering, but I didn't.

"I'm not gonna play with it, mom," he swallowed nervously and glanced my way before continuing, "it's not a toy. I'm sorry I disappointed you, but I want to learn and I want to defend our camp. I can't do that without a gun."
"Shane's the best instructor I know. I've seen him teach kids younger than Carl." Rick assured.

Lori put a hand to her forehead, breathing in deeply as she shook her head before walking away.

For a few moments, no one said anything. Rick broke the silence as he gave Carl a firm look, "you will take this seriously and you will behave responsibly."

"I will, dad."

Carl came over to me with a big smile on his face after talking to Rick.

As he took the seat, I asked, "so, we're goin' with them to practise?"

"You too?" he asked.

I shrugged, "Shane said if they let you, they gotta let me."

"That makes sense I guess. Did Shane say anything about me? I don't think he likes me very much anymore."

I shook my head, thinking it over, "I don't think he likes anyone right now."

As the time passed by, I found my eyes wandering to Glenn every so often. I was careful he didn't notice me watching. He didn't seem any different, in fact he seemed rather cheery as he spoke to the others in the group and carried on with his tasks. I wondered about Maggie, tempted to go into the house and see her.

Is she okay? Should I have done something? Should I tell someone?

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to think of something, anything else. I hoped we could have the gun lesson soon, I needed that distraction.

Target practise was awful. I may not have expected to hit the target, although I hoped. I thought I'd at least get close like I did before. But I didn't, I didn't even hit the fence post the tin can was standing on.

Shane stopped by me every so often to try and help, whether it be my posture or the way I was holding the gun. I didn't like the gun either, sure it was smaller, perfect for my hands and training, but something about it really irked me. It held a lot less than Shane's gun, and was so much lighter. I thought I'd be happy about how light it was, Shane's gun got hard to hold after so long. Then there was the recoil, I barely felt it with this gun, compared to Shane's.

Everything about the situation was uncomfortable, the group, the cautious glances I'd get every so often, the gun, and Carl.

Carl was the star pupil. He didn't get it quite at first, but as we neared the end of the lesson; every few shots he hit the target dead on. Most of them were cheering him on and congratulating him, especially his father.

It didn't even piss me off so much until I saw how happy Rick was for him, I don't know why it bugged me. I just wanted to get this, I wanted to show them all I could do it, like I showed Shane.

Obviously it wasn't happening.

I didn't think it would get much worse after arriving. After handing everyone their guns and loading them, the looks I got were unmistakable. Me and Carl got ours last, no one batted an eye at him, but once I got mine, they wouldn't stop staring. That made me want to do this right all the more, but again, it wasn't happening. None of them wanted me here, the only one that was interacting with me was Shane. I got a weird side-eye stare from Rick every so often, but he never said anything to me.

"Don't worry about them," Shane told me when he caught me looking at them once, "focus on your target."

The more time passed, the more time Shane spent near me. I waited for him to instruct me, show me what I was doing wrong, and he did a few times. But then he stopped. I kept glancing at him, to see he was either looking at me or my target. When my eyes met his, his expression was soft and concerned.

So much for him being proud

Every second there were either bottles shattering or shots going off, I don't know why I didn't expect the whole thing to be so loud, there were a lot of us.

"Okay, everybody!" Rick called out, "that'll do it for today, start gathering everything up."

I sighed, lowering the gun I had. Rick came toward me and Carl, clapping a hand on his small shoulder and began leading him toward the cars.

"Great job, son, you're doing just great. I'm so proud of you."

I looked down at my bare feet.

"Hey, Rick. Me and Toby are gonna hang back," Shane divulged. I turned to him surprised, he's really not sick of my bullshit yet?

"Are you sure? You think that's a good idea?"

"Sure I do, gonna give her some extra time. We'll meet you back soon."

"Don't be too long," Rick quipped as he walked away with Carl.

"Hold on," Shane told me, "gonna grab some more ammo from the bag before they take it back."

Long after the others had left, Shane was refilling my gun for the eighth time. He usually made me do it myself, but this time he insisted on it. He lowered himself to one knee when he refilled it.

"Maybe the sights off," he said, raising the gun and taking the shot. I lowered my head in shame as he knocked the can off the post. He gave me a puzzled look before handing the gun back to me.

After shooting a few more times, Shane shook his head at me, "you were doing so good. What's going on? The others getting to you?"

I shook my head. Honestly, they were a bit, but I was able to push them from my mind once they left. It had nothing to do with them.

"I told you last time, you have to want to hit it, know you can-"

"-I am," I promised, looking him straight in the eye this time, "I swear I am. I just . . . I don't . . ."

So badly I wanted to toss the gun to the ground and walk away, but I couldn't. I wanted to shoot that can so bad, I wanted to feel that burst of purpose Shane gave me after mutilating that fence post. The feeling Merle gave me when he first taught me how to sink my knives.

I took a deep breath, breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth. I took my time aiming, focusing before pulling the trigger, but I missed. I tired to stay relaxed, about to try again before he stopped me.

"Hold it, stop," Shane was standing now. "Hand it over."

He's finally annoyed and done with me, I thought.

I kept looking down as I handed him the gun. I waited for him to say something, but instead, he had held out his hand, holding his own gun in my view. I looked up at him in confusion.

"Take it, try again."

Hesitantly, I took the Glock from him, staring at him while I did it. As if waiting for him to change his mind. I felt the familiar weight of the gun as I wrapped both hands around it, raising it to meet my target.

I didn't do any different with the first two shots, but the third sent splinters flying off the fence post just under the can. I looked up at Shane grinning, and he returned it before nodding at me to continue. So I did, I got the fence post almost every time.

"I think we found your strong point."

After a few minutes, I emptied his gun.

"I didn't bring spare ammunition for mine this time, didn't expect to be using it. Think we've done enough anyway, let's get back."

The ride was silent for a while. I kept imagining the moment when I'd finally hit my target. I wasn't as good as Carl, but maybe I could be with practise.

"I know it bothered you," Shane said suddenly. He glanced at me, one of his hands on the wheel, as if checking to make sure I was listening. "Everyone there. And before when we left."

I looked down at my lap, Shane was referring to when we were all leaving for the gun lesson. Some were surprised to see Carl was finally allowed. But when Shane said I'd be coming too, Rick tried to argue. They didn't fight, but Rick tried to change Shane's mind. They talked and disagreed for almost ten minutes before they finally let to go and let me join. When Rick said it was alright for Carl to join, the group was hesitant but trusted Rick's decision, when I was mentioned, they tried to find every reason to say no.

Shane told Rick where he'd taken me last night, that he was teaching me without consent. Rick was unhappy about it. Then he became even more unhappy when Shane gave him a choice.

"Either you let her come and train or I continue to train her myself. Either way she'll be holding a gun. Take your pick."

I couldn't help but smile when I heard that, he was really determined to get a gun in my hand. I wanted that determination, maybe I had it, because I did want to hit a target. I just wasn't brave enough to speak up.

"They don't like me so much," I said, which was fine, since that incident with the gun and Lori, I hated being around everyone. But Shane, he was talking to me, he was teaching me how to shoot. I had no right to be mad at him. And maybe I had no right to be mad at the others, but I just couldn't stomach being around them afterward, everything was so different from home. Any type of contact someone had with me was so foreign and weird. Even when I think of the others that weren't around for it, like Glenn and Dale, I just didn't want to do it. I didn't want to do any of this.

Maybe once I learned to shoot, I could leave, maybe I could find Daddy, go back to the quarry. Maybe, if I got there, he'd be right there waiting for me.

"It isn't that," Shane objected. "You're just the odd man out, same as me."

I looked up at him, raising an eyebrow.

"Figure of speech," he said. "I just mean you're cut off, uninvolved . . ."

"I'm a kid. It's supposed to be that way," I stated.

"Is it? I get where you're coming from, you understand your place and made your peace with it. But your place has changed. Take a look around, at how things are now. Your dad isn't here to call the shots for you, I am. I know you noticed, they let Carl train with a gun, no problem, soon as Rick gave the okay. And what happened when I gave you a gun?"

"They didn't like it."

"You don't have a parent to okay everything you do. That isn't going to sit right with people, you understand? They don't want to let you do things because they don't want to be responsible for it. Nobody wants to step up and take care of you themselves, but I do. You know that by now right?"

I stared at him, I felt ad and confused by all of it. But nothing he said seemed to be wrong, "but why?"

"Me and you, we're treated the same way, everyone's always going to try to take the gun out of your hand. These folks, they want to play house. Pretend that what's happening around them, isn't happening. You see the danger in that? They want to pretend they know what they're doing, let me tell you something, they bound to get us killed."

I watched his expression. Everything he said made me even more angry, not at him but at the others. Why shouldn't I be treated the same as Carl? Just because he has both his parents and I don't have any means I'm tossed aside and rendered useless? At least Daddy tried to teach me how to be useful, I doubt Carl could hit a squirrel in the eye with a slingshot.

Can't brag about that much, you can only do it within a few feet, I reminded myself.

"Daddy says that people who don't know their place need to be knocked on their ass."

He smiled and gave a little scoff, "is that your recommendation?"

"Someone'll get bit by a Walker, they'll get it then," I said with a shrug as he looked at me with a concerned expression. "Bound to happen, nothin' only happens once."

"Your dad say that too?"

I shook my head, looking out the window, "my mama."

When Shane and I pulled into the driveway, the only thing on my mind was that I needed to pee. But the sight of an unfamiliar car sidetracked me. Tied to the hood was a buck. I widened my eyes at the sight of Daryl's back, he was talking with Dale.

I guessed that when Daryl finally found and killed the deer, he found himself a car so it was easier to take back.

Daryl turned around, hearing Shane's car pull in. I hopped out, Daryl's eyes squinted in confusion at the sight of me and Shane getting out of the same car. I started to feel a little excited, wanting to tell him I was getting a better handle on a gun. I was about to go over to him when Shane made me stop.

"Hey," I turned to him, his hand ghosted over my shoulder. Almost as if keeping me close but also giving me space.

"You'll hit that target soon. And once you get the hang of it we're going to try moving targets. We'll get you to position where you can defend yourself properly. Your small and you don't have a lot of muscle, that makes it hard if you get cornered by a Walker. That's why we'll keep up the training, and soon you'll have nothing to worry about."

I nodded my head and he took his hand away. I looked back toward Daryl to see he was scowling. With the distance I couldn't tell if he was looking at me or Shane.

Seeing Daryl's expression caused the excitement of his return to drain out of me, and suddenly, I wasn't too keen on talking to him and felt nervous.

He doesn't want to talk to you anyways, I told myself.

So I started to walk and decided to just go pee, my bladder wasn't going to let me hold it any longer. I walked passed Daryl and Dale, keeping my head down as I went toward the RV. I walked around and kept going until I got into some more forest area and went behind a tree.

Once I finished emptying my bladder, I gripped the waistband of my pants to pull them down. Without thinking about, I looked down, I wasn't even sure why I did, there was no reason too. But I did, and just as I was going to pull my pants up, I saw something that made me stop.

I saw something on the inside of my thigh. At first, the brownish colour almost made me think I had somehow gotten mud there. I even reached for it about to try and brush it off, then I stopped my movements once again, noticing two more things. One: the brown colour had a reddish tint, two: it had legs.

I knew what it was, it wasn't the first time I had one on me, but it didn't ease the fear creeping up on me. I had no problem with bugs, but this was a whole different thing in my mind, I wasn't sure why I was so terrified of them. Even Daddy scolded me more than once to that it wasn't a big deal and I could pull it off myself.

I tried, sort of, I couldn't get my hand within an inch of it before I kept freezing up. I was even shaking slightly.

You're such a freaking baby.

I stayed there, squatted still, for what felt like forever as I stared at the inside of my thighs

If you need help, just ask for it, right? That's what they keep saying. And if they get mad at me for being a baby about this, then I know better for next time.

Slowly, I stood and pulled my pants up, trying to stay calm and not cry. I left my pants undone and just pulled my shirt over so it wasn't as noticeable.

I walked around the RV and glanced around. Daryl, Rick, Shane, and Dale were all together, conversing by the cars. I definitely didn't want this to be announced to an audience so I kept looking, mentally shaking my head at the sight of Guillermo. I had to also keep in my mind that it was much too high up my thigh to just roll my pants up, to get someone's help I'd have to take them off.

I saw Glenn and decided not to go to him, especially with the events from last night. But that reminded me of Maggie. She's the one that said to ask if I needed something right? Maybe she'd help me.

Worst comes to worst you grow a pair and rip it off your damn self.
After fighting with myself a little longer, I strode toward the house. My legs were stiff and I moved slowly, I wasn't sure why I thought walking fast would make it any worse.

When I was in the kitchen I saw Hershel. He was sitting at the table with a book laid out in front of him. He lifted his eyes to me, giving me a skeptical look.

"Is there something I can help you with?"

Yes. No. Maybe . . . just not you. Wait, isn't he a doctor? No, stop, you don't need a doctor for this.

He raised his eyebrows at me when I didn't answer, "well?"

I opened my mouth, but it still took awhile to get anything out, "Maggie?" I hoped with just her name I could get my question across, though my voice came out much higher pitched than I intended.

"She's in her room," he told me.

I stood there, confused and thinking about it as I stared at him.

"Upstairs," he added.

I gave a quick nod and started to look for the stairs. And just as I reached the top I ran into Beth.

"Hi," she smiled brightly, "what're you doing here?"

"Maggie?" I said once again.

"Oh, she's in her room, there," she pointed. Then she went around me to go down the stairs.

I walked over to the open door, swallowing the lump in my throat.

Maggie's back was to me, she was standing over her bed which was made up of several piles of folded clothes, on her right side was a laundry basket full of clothes that weren't folded yet.

I stood there for a minute or two but she didn't know I was there.

"Maggie?" At that point it was the only word I could manage I was such a nervous wreck.

Maggie jumped and spun around to me, clutching her chest, "Oh! Toby, you scared me. What's up? You bored? You came just in time to help me finish folding all this."

She smiled, and turned back to the laundry. She looked pretty happy. I had to wonder about the last night, she didn't look hurt, and she wasn't upset. That confused me further, but I had to focus on what I came to her for.

"Oh, and I found some rain boots for you. It was all of Beth's I could find, and they're still going to be big . . . but it's better than nothing. I'll look for something else once I go into town, I promise."

After a few moments she turned back to me, noticing I hadn't moved.

She searched my expression, "are you alright?"

I hesitated, once I actually had to vocalise the issue, I felt much worse. I was embarrassed and scared, but I felt like I really needed help. I didn't want to do this myself and I wasn't sure I could.

"Toby?" She said, concern lacing her voice and expression.

"You . . . you said that if I-if I needed help . . ."

Maggie nodded, indicating that I didn't need to finish that sentence as she turned around, giving me her full attention. "Yes, if you need help you just have to ask."

"I need help."

"Okay, of course. What do you need help with?"

I fell silent, looking down at the spot on my thigh.

"I can't help if you don't tell me what it is," she said softly.

I hesitated, I opened my mouth, trying and failing to get it out. I took a deep breath and said it quietly, taking my time so it came out clear, "I have a tick."

Her expression softened to one of understanding. "Can you show me where it is?"

I pointed to where it had attached itself under my jeans.

"Have you told anyone else?"

I shook my head.

Maggie thought this over for a moment before turning around. She lifted one of the folded pile of clothes and placed it on top of another, clearing a space. She instructed me to sit on the space she cleared on her bed, I did as she said.

Maggie left the room but came back fairly quickly with her hand gripping something.

"I know this will feel uncomfortable, but can you pull your pants down? You don't have to take them off, just . . . show me where it is."

I hesitated for a long time before I started to comply. Maggie placed whatever was in her hand on the floor then kneeled in front of me. I looked down at my legs, wondering if I had pulled them down enough for her to see, once I did I stopped and she leaned over to look.

"I'll get it off quick don't worry, got a trick my mom used to use whenever me and Beth got one." Maggie reached down to what she dropped, it was a small box. I watched as she opened it and pulled a match out.

I furrowed my eyebrows, "what's that for?"

"It won't hurt you, promise. I'm going to burn the bastard off."

I stared at her incredulously, not believing her, "daddy just used tweezers."

Maggie shook her head, "I'd rather not, sometimes they burrow their head in and if I just pull it out the head would get stuck. That'll be painful to get out."

I watched as she lit the match, but then to my relief, she blew out the tiny flame. "Hold still," she told me, bringing the match down onto the tick, the flame was gone but it was glowing with heat still.

I looked away, not wanting to see it. I was surprised when Maggie told me she was done, I'd barely felt a thing. She had the tick wrapped up in tissue and left to dispose of it. I was suddenly so relieved and took several moments to just breathe.

When she came back, I'd already pulled my pants up, "thank you."

"Your welcome. Is it okay if I check for more?"

Then my relief was gone. I barely heard Maggie as she continued, saying if there's one there could be another, and so on. I had a mental battle with myself before nodding. She wanted to check my legs first, so hesitantly I pulled them down. Though I was more at ease than before, grateful to her for the help.

She checked my neck and scalp next. She told me how she'd gotten one behind her ear before but they didn't find it until it was already the size of a grape.

The next few moments weren't too bad until she started pulling up the side of my shirt, to which I jumped back a few feet.

"I just need to check your armpits, and your back. They like to go where it's warm. I'll be quick, just like before. You have nothing to worry about, you can trust me."

I swallowed nervously, thinking it all over. Once again I began fighting with myself, on the one hand I wanted to be rid of the bloodsuckers, I wanted to know for sure I didn't have any more. On the other hand, I'd face embarrassment once Maggie saw how bad I'd been. She was so nice to me, I liked her, and she seemed to like me. Would she stop liking me if she saw? Would she tell anyone else? Sure I'd voiced that I'd been bad before, but no one in the group knew to which extent.

Face embarrassment or live with bloodsuckers that live off of me?

I looked at her and nodded, the rest of my body motionless. I took off the blue over shirt I had revealing the red shirt underneath. Maggie lifted both my arms, only looking on the underside near the armpit, not seeing the cigarette burn marks.

She turned me a little and lifted my shirt from the left side, looking briefly before moving. I held my breath as she lifted the shirt up more off my back.

I heard her sharp intake of breath, I guessed that meant she saw. I wasn't sure what to do, so I didn't do anything, I just wanted to know there weren't any ticks.

"What is this?" She finally said, her voice unsteady and barely above a whisper.

She didn't say anything else after asking that. I knew she was staring, no longer looking for ticks. She just stood there, holding the back of my shirt up. Finally, I pulled away from her abruptly and turned around so she couldn't look anymore.

I backed away a couple feet, trying to make as much distance between us as possible. I could feel the heat rise to my cheek as I clenched my jaw shut. I was feelings so many emotions at once I wasn't sure which to go with.

My eyes met hers and her expression was no help, she looked horrified. I started backing away more toward the door, I was planning on retreating, she must've of noticed.

"No, Toby. Don't go." Her eyes left mine and she looked down. Her eyes flickered around, as if searching for something to say. "Let's forget about the ticks for now, let's just talk-"

I had planned to stay calm, I tried. I just felt so overwhelmed, I wasn't sure what made it worse, the look on her face or the unsteadiness in her voice. I felt I had no control over my body as I ran out of her room before she could finish her sentence.

And there you go. Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews! Let me know what you thought of this chapter!

Thank you to Rasha007 who helped so much, especially with the last part. And looking it all over.

How're you liking Maggie with Toby?

Miss Daryl yet?

What are you thinking of Guillermo?

Tumblr: TobyJustGone

For those who don't know, this story is available on Wattpad. Thank you for reading! -Penn