People Lie, Actions Don't

After answering I rushed passed them all, down the stairs and out of the house. I needed to get away from everyone, I felt as if something was tightening around my chest, causing my heart to pound against it, I could barely breathe.

Outside, I ran into Daryl, I kept my head down and kept going, hoping he wouldn't stop me. I knew he was looking at me and after a few short moments, I heard the front door open and close behind me, telling me he went inside. As I got closer to the tents I looked behind me, not looking all that closely but quickly checking that no one was there.

When I didn't see anyone, I looked back at Daryl's tent. After a few moments of just staring, gasping for air I tried to unzip the tent. It took me a few tries because my hands were shaking.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I went over to my bag, beside it was my knife sheath. I quickly grabbed one of the knives and climbed out of the tent, not bothering to zip it back up.

I didn't look behind me that time as I started running. I ran into the wooded area, getting deeper and deeper into the forest. I didn't think to look for Walkers or set markers, I knew I was being stupid, I just couldn't get myself to care at that moment.

Running had me gasping for air, and as soon as I felt I was far enough, I stopped running. I took the deepest inhal I could, and then I screamed. It wasn't a high pitched squeal, more like a deep cry of frustration. Then I turned to the closest tree, lifted my knife and stabbed it. As I kept stabbing the tree, bark was starting to come off. Not all of my swings hit the right spot causing me to leave scratch marks.

I was doing this for several moments before my arm started to feel tired. I stopped my actions and placed my forehead on the mutilated tree, leaning against it.

Something touched my shoulder and I freaked out. My entire body tensed, I accidentally dropped my knife and all I could think about was the Walker that might have a hold of me. Without giving it much thought, I spun around. I pushed whatever it was off of me with one hand, and with the other I practically threw my closed fist at it. It was knocked to the ground and I made a quick movement to pick up my knife. But then I realized what it was.

"Carl?!" I yelled as he sat up. "What the fuck?!"

"What are you yelling at me for? He grumbled, beginning to stand. "You're the one that hit me."

"You're the one that scared the fuck out of me! I thought you were a Walker!" My heart was still racing. I tried my best to calm the adrenalin pumping through my body. For a brief moment, I thought pushing him might help, so I did that.

"Ow!" He protested as my push sent him to the ground again.

I rolled my eyes, "your face hurts more then that did."

"So what? It still hurt." His hand went to his cheek, there was a red mark from where my fist collided into his face.

I took a deep breath, threaded my hands through my hair, pulling it a little in frustration, "fuck." I wasn't sure why, but swearing seemed to help me feel better. I felt like my body was angry with me, it had gone into adrenalin, ready to run or fight. And now I was denying it of both.

Damn it. Why Carl?

"You shouldn't swear."

"Fuck," I said again, purely for defiance reasons. "Why are you even out here? You're going to get in trouble, again."

"And you're not?"

His response made me think it over, and I decided to test something on him.

"So what if I do?" I asked as he stood up. "What're they going to do? Beat me?"

What surprised me was that Carl smiled, "maybe not you. Mom's still really mad at me for taking the gun. Looked like she wanted to hit me."

I narrowed my eyes. His tone was light and his smile reached his eyes, it sounded like he was joking.

"I saw you leaving, I followed you. You looked upset."

And just like that the tight feeling returned to my chest and my eyes burned. For a moment, Carl had made me forget, like he always did.

"What's wrong? What happened? I thought I heard something and everyone went inside. Mom wouldn't let me go in."

It hadn't occurred to me that he had no idea,.

"Carol's dead." I wouldn't face him, afraid he would cry and I never knew what to do when people did that. I was trying hard to not do it myself. I wasn't sure why I was feeling that way, I barely knew Carol. And as far as I could remember we'd only ever talked once at the CDC, when she gave me Sophia's clothes.

Maybe it wasn't her death that upset me so much but the way it happened. Not only had Shane killed her, but Carol begged him to.

Everyone seemed to be so done with what was going on, so done that they wanted to die. Jaqui, Andrea, Jim, the doctor, even Guillermo at some point. I felt done to, but I didn't want to die. Why was dying their solution.

I tried to think, to figure it out. What made death so appealing? What if people came to help us, like the government? What if they came and fixed everything, and all we had to do was wait it out and stay alive.

I had to push my mind from all of it when I found myself sniffling. I glanced over at Carl who was looking down at his feet, not moving or making a sound.

He glanced up, feeling my eyes on him, his eyes were wet.

"I knew . . . I knew she was going to die, I heard mom and dad talking about her. They didn't want to believe it. Everyone is just going to keep dying. I thought we were safe here."

Carol was turning or just about to. Shane shot her before it could happen. But what if Sophia had been put down like Carol had? If we had been that quick about it, Carol wouldn't have had to die.

But it was pointless to think about, because no one knew Sophia would turn. I still couldn't wrap my head around that, but I wasn't going to think about how all of us were going to turn into Walkers no matter what, nope.

Okay, maybe I'll think about it just a little . . .

"I don't want anyone else to die." I heard Carl say quietly.

That was when my mind went into overdrive. I saw Carol lying in that bed, looking pale and sickly, then I saw Carl in that exact same spot with that same sickly look. I thought how Merle had left on a run and never came back, thoughts about Maggie and Glenn leaving and not coming back consumed my head. Daryl getting bitten, or maybe just finally had enough of what life was now. I remembered seeing Sophia's body on the floor after Rick shot her, her Walker-self lying broken in the hall with a bullet in her head. Because of the size of her, that image was easy to shift to Carl. And Shane, I could see him getting crowded by Walkers with no help of getting himself out.

I realized in that moment, how much I didn't want that to happen to them. To Carl, to Daryl, to Shane.

Maybe I don't hate these people as much as I thought I did.

"I'm sorry," I said suddenly. "I'm sorry I said you were stupid."

In that moment, I was no longer mad at him. Sure he said something mean, and it felt like a punch to the stomach when he said it, but I wasn't exactly being nice to him either. If the rolls were reversed I probably would've said something like that too. I did not want to waste my energy into being angry with Carl, for all I knew he could be dead tomorrow.

I don't want that to happen, I realized.

"I'm sorry too," he mumbled. "So, are we okay now? I like being with you and reading. Not as boring as everything else."

I simply stared at him, a little confused.

"I know you don't like me that much but maybe-"

"-I never said that."

"Huh?"

"I never said I didn't like you. I like you."

"Really?"

"I wouldn't be talking to you if I didn't," I said bluntly.

He didn't say anything, he just stared at me, clearly a little taken back.

"What?" I asked.

"You just don't really show it . . ."

"I don't show a lot of things," I said, turning away from him.

The gears in my head were going once more. If we wanted to stop people from dying, we needed to know what to do. We needed to be bigger, I was just a little kid but maybe I could still do something. I was allowed to shoot now, and maybe if I get better I could have my own. If we all had a gun, if we knew how to use one, we could protect everyone, no one else had to be bitten.

Suddenly my hands felt like they were aching to feel the cool metal of Shane's gun, I wanted to shoot right at that moment, I wanted to get better, I wanted to be able to help.

The thoughts of the glock, of the bullets hitting the target, the lessons clouded my thoughts of Sophia and Carol. The gun was now my main focus, if I thought about how I could help, Carol would be pushed from my mind, and I was forever grateful for it.

I look at Carl again, his cheeks are wet, showing that some tears had fallen but he was smiling slightly, right at me. There was something about it that made me feel a little better, it even made my mind go blank for the briefest moment. Then I took a look around, remembering where we were.

If I wanted to keep anyone alive, I wouldn't be able to do anything here.

"Let's go back."

He nodded, then looked worried, "you're not going to tell mom are you?"

I narrowed my eyes at him, "you think I wanna get yelled at again?"

He smiled again and we headed back. I kept close to him and kept looking around, trying to get out of the wooded area fast without running.

Running would've made too much noise.

I'd made enough of that when I was yelling earlier. Then I thought, how much of that had Carl seen?

Carl and I were able to sneak back onto camp easier than we anticipated. Lori found us right away but she didn't see where we came from. She told Carl she'd been looking for him, he said we were behind the RV reading.

Lori didn't look entirely convinced, after all, she was there when I gave Dale my answer about whether or not Carol was a Walker. It probably seemed unlikely I watched that happen, ran away and then went to read with Carl.

Of course, Carl had no idea what happened, he didn't know where I was before he followed me into the forest. All he knew was that Carol was dead.

Lori led Carl away from me, he glanced at me before walking away, it lasted longer than usual. I interpreted as he would find me later. I wasn't sure why but I hoped he did. While they walked away I could hear Lori asking Carl about the mark on his face. I didn't hear his response but I was sure he wasn't going to tell anyone.

I hid in the RV for a while, it wasn't that hot in there anymore, the day wasn't that hot either. I hoped it would rain, there were definitely enough clouds for it..

They had the funeral for Carol a few hours later. And because of the events of the day before, leaving Sophia unburied, it was Sophia's funeral as well as Carol's. Dale stopped in the RV to let us know when it was happening.

Guillermo just nodded and thanked him for some reason. I said nothing. I simply avoided his eyes, hoping he wouldn't say anything to me. Did he know I lied about Carol? Did anyone know? Why did I even do it in the first place?

I knew it was wrong to lie, but it didn't feel entirely wrong, though that didn't stop the feeling of guilt. If the others knew what really happened, what Carol wanted wouldn't have mattered, they didn't see her cry and beg for the bullet, they would only start fighting again. And Shane would be blamed.

When I noticed that Guillermo still hadn't gotten up I asked him, "you're not going?"

"Didn't know her," he said, "wouldn't be right."

I didn't really know her either. I felt bad about not going, but Guillermo's answer made me feel better about it.

Guillermo yawned, it wasn't the first time. It was easy to tell he was tired, possibly exhausted.

"Is it the screaming?" I blurted. Maybe that's why he's so tired, he still isn't sleeping well because of them.

His eyes met mine, he looked like I'd just slapped him in the face.

"How do you-"

"-You told me."

He just stared at me, wide eyed for a few moments. Until finally, he stood up, and left the RV.

Maybe that's one of the things I'm not supposed to be asking about.

For a while I stayed in the RV. I wandered around, going through Dale's books, knowing well that I wouldn't be able to read them. I was just doing my best to keep my mind off of Carol and Sophia.

At one point I looked out the window, I saw a few people and I guessed the funeral must be over.

I ventured out of the RV. I saw Hershel walking away from the house, toward the barn with some kind of bag.

"That's where they're keeping him," I heard Carl from behind me.

I glanced at him, suddenly remembering the man Rick and Glenn brought back.

"We just ain't gonna stop locking shit in there, are we?"

"No, not the barn, the shed I mean."

"Oh. Ain't there tools in there?"

"They took them out I guess."

"He shouldn't be here. If we feel the need to lock him up, that just proves it."

Carl didn't respond to that.

"What's he carryin' anyway?" I asked, motioning to Hershel.

"I think he has his first aid stuff in there. I heard them talking, the guy hurt his leg or something."

I nodded, for no particular reason, just to show I heard him and understood.

"Where's Shane?"

"I think he's still out front."

I nodded again and left him. I ducked around some of the group, I got a few glances but no one said anything. I didn't see Daryl, I was a little glad for it, I wasn't sure what I would say to him or what he would say to me. Daryl was smart, what if he figured it all out? And he hated Shane, that didn't help the case at all.

When I went to the front of the house, I saw Shane immediately. He was standing near the pile of rocks marking another grave. It was the grave of the guy Shane went with to get medicine for Sophia, I forgot his name. Carol's and Sophia's graves were marked by two small crosses.

I walked over to him, when I was a few feet away he must've heard me because he turned his head.

I stopped as our eyes met, feeling a little nervous. I wondered if he was mad, but then I thought why would he be mad, if anyone should be it should be me.

When he turned back to the grave I continued walking, only to stop beside him.

"Why did you do that?"

I didn't respond, I just stood there. He didn't look at me.

"You shouldn't have lied."

"You lied," I retorted.

"That's different."

"Ain't no different."

"I don't think you get it. What happens when they find out, huh?" His voice was deep and quiet, though his tone was indicating he was really trying to yell at me. He was probably trying to be quiet in case someone else came around to here. "They're not going to let that go. This is bad. You shouldn't have lied about it. I shouldn't have put you in that position."

What is he talking about? I wanted to hide away and not talk for the rest of the day. But my frustration and confusion was rising. I couldn't keep quiet.

I shook my head to myself when he didn't elaborate. "Even if we didn't they'd just be fighting about it. They'd think you killed her for no reason, 'specially Hershel. He already wants us gone." I wasn't sure if I was just trying to make myself or him feel better about the whole situation. "It was just . . . easier. And what if she did turn? Then it woulda been Sophia all over again . . ."

Shane was still quiet. Then finally, he turned slightly, glancing at me. I looked back at him, straight in the eye, trying to hold his gaze in place. It didn't work, because he turned back around.

"You asked me about who I killed. It wasn't when I was a cop."

I remembered that conversation. It was when he was telling me that I might have to choose who dies. I didn't totally get it, but I was starting to. He chose to kill Carol before she turned and killed one of us.

"Was it before that?" I asked.

He shook his head, staring at the pile of rocks. "After."

I didn't say anything, that didn't make much sense to me, he didn't stop being a cop until the end of all this. It was only a few days ago he told me he wasn't a cop anymore.

"You told me about choosing who dies . . ."

"Yeah. I chose him."

He still wasn't looking at me, still just blindly staring at the pile of rocks.

"Me and Rick got separated, I didn't know where he was. Me and Otis got what we needed for Sophia. But there were so many coming on to us. They weren't that rotted either so they weren't so slow. My ankle was hurt, Otis could barely run. The bags we had to haul didn't make it any easier."

I watched him as he talked, completely oblivious as to why he was telling me about that run. Is it to change the subject?

"The only thing that was important was getting everything back to Hershel for Sophia. I figured it was best one of us lived to bring back what she needed rather than both of us being torn apart by those damn things."

My eyebrows furrowed then, there was a sinking feeling in my stomach. I was starting to understand, but I definitely didn't want to.

"Didn't matter in the end though. She died anyways. It's all I can think about now that she's gone. This whole time we've been here I convinced myself I had to do it, to save Sophia. To save one of our own. To save me. But I didn't save her. Now all I can think is that it wouldn't have mattered. I didn't have to do it."

"I-I don't . . ." Was all I could stutter out, not sure what I was even planning to say. I stepped away from Shane, my brain twisting in on itself with conclusions and images I shouldn't have been imagining.

"I shot him in the leg. Took his bag and his gun. The Walkers forgot all about me with him there."

Shane turned himself all the way around to face me. There was a hardness in his expression, but his eyes looked soft, unsure.

I stepped back further. Avoiding his eyes but still looking at him.

"I killed him, I killed Carol. You shouldn't be protecting me. If they found out . . ."

I didn't say anything, finally I was lost for words.

"They'd make me go," he finished, sighing. "And maybe that's for the best. They might've done just that if you told them what really happened. Then I wouldn't be here, you would be a lot safer with me gone."

"Why?" The question escaped before I could stop it.

Shane looked shock, "why?" he repeated.

"Carol woulda found a way to do it without you if she had to. If someone wants to die no one's gonna stop 'em."

He just shook his head. "That doesn't change anything."

"Anyone else know? About . . ."

He hesitated, "I think Rick does. I didn't meet up with him until after it happened. We haven't talked about it but . . . I'm sure he does . . . I should've left when I had the chance."

"You were gonna leave?"

"I was. I am. It's probably better that I leave."

It was my turn to hesitate. I knew what I wanted to say. But I felt like I shouldn't say it, he told me he killed Otis. Why wasn't I more scared, more concerned?

"I don't want you to leave. It ain't like you did it for no reason right? It was to help . . ."

He stared me in the eyes, "and if I do it again? What if there isn't a reason next time? After what I just told you, why would you want me here? You should be scared of me."

"But I ain't. You're not gonna kill me," I said, surprising myself with how steady my voice was.

"Oh, yeah?" Shane bent over toward him, his hands on his knees. I knew he was trying to look threatening. But his eyes still held that soft expression they always did when he looked at me. "What makes you so sure of that?"

"You don't touch me. You never even hit me, even after stealin' your gun and aimin' it at your head."

His expression went blank after I said that, he looked as if he was lost for words.

"And you taught me how to shoot. You wouldn't do that if you were gonna kill me." I could see what he was doing. He wanted me to want him to leave, he was trying to scare me. While I did feel uneasy, I wasn't that scared anymore. It scared me when he first said it, but thinking over everything he's said, all that he's done, he was still Shane. Wasn't he?

He stood up straight, no longer trying to look intimidating. "Things aren't always that simple."

"You're not going to hurt me." I said, looking him in the eyes. He'd promised that so many times before. And for some reason, I'd never believed it more than I did in that moment.

"No, I'm not," he confessed.

"Besides, you can't go. You haven't taught me how to hit a movin' target."

"Lots of people can help you with that, you don't need me."

"I need your gun."

He smiled then.

I glanced behind me, double checking that no one was there.

"Can . . . Can I ask ya somethin'?"

He nodded.

". . . Did you want to kill before or did you just do it?" I wasn't sure if I was making any sense.

He seemed to get what I was asking, "I didn't think about it before it happened. It was all too quick for that."

"Do you ever want to kill again?"

"Sometimes."

"Who?"

He shook his head, "enough. I shouldn't be telling you this. I shouldn't have told you any of it. You're a kid . . . I'm sorry. God dammit, what the hell's wrong with me?" He rubbed his eyes with his index finger and thumb.

I didn't say anything.

"Maybe . . . why don't you run along now, huh? Go find Carl or something."

"Will you take me to shoot?"

He shook his head, "not today."

I tried not to look disappointed and began to walk away. After a few steps, I turned to look back at him.

"Are you gonna leave?"

He looked back at me, "no. I'm not going anywhere."

"But I know how. I got those squirrels myself so you and Merle could teach me to skin 'em. I know what to do."

Daryl sighed.

I was on my way to see Carl like Shane suggested, but then I saw Daryl going through his bag. His crossbow was slung over his shoulder. I wasn't sure how I knew, but I could tell he was leaving. It had been a lot more awkward between us since the barn incident, he was still angry I didn't understand whatever he was trying to tell me. But I pretended like I forgot about it as I approached him. I asked if I could go hunting with him, he told me no. I was trying to make a good argument for myself.

He stood up and tossed his bag into the tent.

"I ain't even goin' for that long. Just gonna check the snares and see what else I can find."

"I can help. I reset snares for Merle."

I regretted mentioning Merle right away. Something in Daryl's expression changed at the mention of his brother, but I wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing.

Daryl stepped closer to me, narrowing his eyes, "He let you do that?"

I nodded.

"Then what?" he asked as he stood over me, watching my expression carefully.

"Huh?" The way he was looking at me made me feel a bit anxious.

"After you set it. What he say?"

I looked back on that time in the woods with Merle, trying to remember, "he said it was fine."

Daryl narrowed his eyes, staring at me for the longest time, as if waiting for more.

"Then he said I have shit luck."

Daryl still didn't move or say anything.

When I couldn't take it anymore I said, "What?"

"Merle don't let anyone fuck with his snares. Not even me."

I didn't say anything to that. I looked down to the ground, not sure how I was supposed to react to that.

"I ain't waitin' on ya. Let's go, grab your knives."

My head shot up in surprise and excitement, but Daryl had already turned around, leaving.

"And for God's sake put somethin' on your damn feet!"

Tumblr: TobyJustGone

Thank you for your patience - Penn