Woulda Coulda Shoulda

Rick was easy to find, even with his back turned, even surrounded by Walkers. But I didn't care about the Walkers, the impending danger of the corpses meant nothing.

Rick was easy to find, but not an easy target. My eyes were blurred with tears as they poured from my eyes, they burned when I blinked, making it hard to keep my eyes focused on him. He was moving around too much, fighting off the dead.

As frustrated as I was with his moving about, I knew I had to make the shot. I had to end it, end him.

I watched as he pushed a Walker away from him before stabbing it with the same knife he used on Shane.

What ever had been holding me back, whatever stopped me from shooting as Rick and Shane fought, was long gone. No thought of fear or mercy would interrupt.

My hand shook fervently, as if protesting my actions. I raised my other hand to help hold the gun. I was still on my knees, not yet ready to move until needed.

Fighting the shaking, I was able to pull the trigger, but Rick moved to dodge a Walker, causing my bullet to smack that Walker in the shoulder, it staggered slightly before continuing to reach for Rick.

I felt a growl ripping from my throat as frustration overcame me. I pulled the hammer down on the gun, about to take another shot. In that moment, it meant nothing to me that my aim at moving objects was downright disgraceful. I did not care, it did not matter. I would use every bullet, use all ammunition possible if I could only just graze him.

Of course I did want to do much more than that.

Before I could pull the trigger again, one of my arms was grabbed and I was forced to turn around. T-Dog was holding on to me again.

"What are you doing?! You're gonna hit him!"

T-Dog apparently thought the Walkers were my target.

Without thinking, I took the gun I was holding with my other hand and held it up. I quickly brought it down on T-Dog's arm, the surprise was enough for him to let ago. But that wasn't enough, I used my foot to kick him hard in the leg. I hadn't had much of an impact on him as I would've liked, but my concentration was elsewhere. It was enough to make him stumble, but I didn't keep my eyes on him to see how much, I was already searching for Rick again.

I briefly saw Glenn with him, helping him with the Walkers. My goal wasn't any easier. I began walking closer, needing to zero in on my target. I heard plenty of commotion behind me, knowing the walkers were closing in.

"Move! Let's get the hell out of here!" someone yelled.

"Stop!" Another voice.

I wasn't only grabbed the next time, but pulled backward. I wrestled with T-Dog as he tried to take the gun from me.

I screamed at him. "He killed him! He killed him!"

"Let it go!" His eyes were frantic, he was panicked and terrified. I didn't know why and I didn't care.

"What're you doing?! Get him! Let me go!" I was surprised by my own voice, how clear and forced my words were, when every part of me felt the opposite. I felt flustered and scrambled, every time I opened my mouth I expected a jumble of nothingness. But my mouth knew what to say before my brain could even comprehend.

"He needs to die!"

T-Dog had grabbed hold of my wrists with each of his hands. I struggled hard and he struggled back, fighting to keep me still and listen to him. But why isn't he listening to me? I didn't understand why he was acting like that, he was there, he saw what Rick did, why wasn't he going after him?

He was squeezing my wrists painfully hard, my right hand specifically, the one that held the Glock. Soon enough, he was trying to make me let the gun go, but I wouldn't give in.

In a flash, Daryl was there. He quickly ran up behind T-Dog, his eyebrows furrowed and teeth barred in concentration. For a moment, I almost thought he was going to pull T-Dog off of me. But instead, he used both his hands and pried the gun from my hands.

I felt my chest sink into my stomach, Daryl too? What was wrong with them?!

The betrayal stung, but burned in my chest, fueling the rage. T-Dog still had a tight grip on my wrists, I used his grip on me to pull myself up. I pulled my knees up to my chest and propelled both my feet into T-Dog.

The momentum of the impact forced T-Dog to break his hold. I'd torn myself away from him, causing myself to fly backward. I attempted to turn my body, reaching my arms out to catch myself, but I misjudged where the ground was and didn't turn enough.

The side of my head hit the hard, flat pavement, a split second before my shoulder. The pain quickly spread throughout my skull, cause me to still my movements and stay on the ground.

My head throbbed and I found my vision blurred slightly when I opened my eyes. I clenched my eyes shut hard, but that only made my head hurt worse. When I opened my eyes, I saw T-Dog leaning down in my line of sight.

His hands gripped my shoulders, pulling me up. There was more yelling, but I couldn't get myself to listen to what they were saying. A Walker lunged toward us from behind T-Dog, the fear finally hit me like a tidal wave. I opened my mouth to warn him, but my actions felt heavy and delayed.

Daryl quickly knocked the Walker away with the butt of his rifle. I could barely hear him over the snarling and groaning over the dead but I knew he was yelling for us to run.

T-Dog helped me to my feet, and with the pain in my head I was able to momentarily forget what was going on. I ran with T-Dog, letting him lead me by the arm.

Before I knew it we were out of the alley, I could see the car they took, parked in the middle of the road, not too far from Shane.

Then, my stomach became hollow and heavy, I felt myself fall. But nothing else.

Before I could open my eyes, the scent of stale blood attacked my nose. I smelt the blood, the rot, the sweat. The air was thick with heat, and I found it hard to breathe so I opened my mouth wider to get more air into my lungs. I still wasn't able to open my eyes, they were heavy, as if bricks were holding them down.

I heard the sound of an engine, but it wasn't loud, it was soft, as if it was below me or behind me. I could hear a voice or two, but only for a moment and then there was silence. I could also hear some heavy breathing.

"I think she's awake," the voice sounds tired, yet slightly upbeat.

"Let's not get excited yet."

"Well, she's not bleeding and it's only been a few minutes."

"That's not what I mean, get ready to hold her down, G, you too." That voice was deeper than the first. I knew the voices, but I couldn't exactly decipher them.

"She's not going to do anything," Glenn. It was Glenn's upbeat voice. I began to feel annoyed and angry that he even sounded the slightest bit happy. What gives him the right?

Then I got confused, why am I so angry?

Then I saw it all again, I heard myself screaming. I once again felt the anguish overtake my face, the anger and the grief was all I can feel. Another is dead, Rick murdered Shane, Glenn has no right to sound happy about a damn thing.

"You didn't see how she acted, man." That second voice is T-Dog's.

When I finally opened my eyes, I noticed they hurt. The brightness was too much so I closed them again. I groaned, not able to get any words out.

"Hey," Glenn started softly. His voice was very close, and it took me a moment to realize my head was on his lap. I moved my legs around and can feel them kicking someone else. I shot up then, opening my eyes expecting to see Rick at my feet. The brightness made it hard to see, and just as I was about to kick the shit out of him, I noticed the skin was too dark.

Guillermo was sitting in the back seat with me and Glenn. Back seat, then I fully realized we were in a car, I turned my head quickly. Rick was across from me sitting in the passenger seat. He wasn't looking at me but I recognized the back of his head.

Before I could do or say anything, my vision tunneled slightly and I got dizzy.

"Careful," Glenn warns as I was forced to put my head down and close my eyes again. "You got a nasty bump on your head."

I don't care, I don't care, I don't care I wanted to scream, I even tried but once again I could only groaned, my head was throbbing on the right side, the back of my eyeballs hurt which I didn't even know could happen.

Gun. Not able to move too much I reached down with my arm blindly, feeling the carpet on the floor of the car, but all I could feel were Glenn's shoes, and they were wet, I guessed it was either with Walker blood or mud. But for some reason I didn't care. All I could focus on was my pain and the gun.

"You need something?" hearing the heavy accent, I knew it was Guillermo. He must've noticed me reaching around. "We got any water?"

"No," I heard T-Dog, he must've been the one driving. "We'll get Hershel to look at her when we get there, just keep her still."

When I tried opening my eyes again, I knew immediately I must've lost some time. The car was no longer moving, my head and my eyes no longer hurt as much as before. Breathing in, I could feel fresh air filling my lungs.

I could still feel Glenn's leg beneath my head, but lifting my head to the side slightly, I saw that Guillermo was gone. All that was there was a closed car door. Rick and T-Dog were no longer in the front.

"Get her to sit up, I'll take a look." The voice is tired and old. I turned my head to look upward, the reason I was breathing in fresh air was because Glenn's door was open. Hershel was standing there.

Glenn started talking, I knew he was talking to me but I ignored him. I forced myself into a sitting position, going slowly. I felt Glenn touch my side, as if to help me, but I quickly jerked away, pushing his hands off me with my own.

"Hey, uh, Hershel just wants to look at your head. You got hurt. We'll get you inside, I'll help."

"No," I forced out, but I felt as if it was more a croak than an actual word. My head pounded a bit more intensely as I moved, I tried to ignore it as I moved myself further away from the men. I sat myself far on the other side of the car, sitting where Guillermo sat. I even pushed myself against the door in attempt to get even further from them.

Hershel and Glenn kept trying to talk to me, Glenn even more so. They wanted me to come out, to check my head. They thought I might've had a concussion. I didn't care, I just wanted them to go away. I even said as much, at first it was hard to talk, but the more I did the easier it got. I yelled at them, telling them no, telling them to go away.

Hershel gave up first. Glenn took much longer and even sat back down in silence for a few minutes before giving up and leaving. Glenn left his door open, I wanted to crawl over and slam it shut, but I couldn't will myself to move as I began sobbing once again.

The sobs made my head pound even worse, but there was no way to stop it. It was so hard to keep myself from screaming, it was all I wanted to do. But that would've attracted attention from the others and as much as I wanted to say I didn't care, I did. I wanted to be left alone. They would pretend to comfort me, who knew what they would say about Shane. I felt a pang a grief stab through my chest, sharp and painful as his name crossed my mind.

I brought my knees to my chest, hugging my legs tight as if that would help in the slightest. I tried keeping my sobbing under control, though not able to stop it I was only just able to keep it from a wailing.

I was sure they would come if I was loud enough. I briefly thought of who would come first if they heard. Lori? Probably, just to annoy me, to have me freak out. And then scold me about it for some dumb reason like I was her kid.

Shane would've came first. I groaned as I stifled another scream. He would've opened the door beside me and went down on his knees, lowering himself to my eye level, as if we would suddenly be equals. He would put his arm on my shoulder and squeeze it in that way that I used to hate.

What the fuck was wrong with these people? How could Rick just do that, just kill him and get away with it. Sit in this damn car, how could he even exist after what he did? How could the others even get in that car knowing what he did? Did they not care?

I suddenly felt very hot and my stomach cramped. My eyes widen with realization as I recognized the feeling.

Shit shit, I panicked as I tried reaching for the handle, not want to puke on myself or in the car. Which proved to be a much harder task than anticipated, I missed it the first time and had to feel around for it. I wanted to cry out in frustration, not understanding why my body wasn't cooperating.

When finally found it, relief hit me as I was able to push open the door. I leaned my head out and heaved out whatever was in my stomach.

I groaned and sobbed, more from the pain and heat then anything else that time. I kept still, leaning myself out of the car and breathing in the air, in case I would throw up again.

I coughed a bit, and kept spitting to help get the taste out of my mouth.

After a few moments, the air was no longer helping, it only smelled like puke and made me want to hurl again. I pulled myself back into the car and shut the door.

I tried to remember what Glenn and Daryl had been doing during it all. Had Glenn seen it happen? So much was going on I couldn't remember if he did. I was sure Guillermo had never been in that alley. T-Dog, who I thought I liked, who made me smile on occasion. He'd been right there, holding me as it happened, not doing anything and not letting me do anything. Daryl had been fighting Walkers, but did he ever get away long enough to see? Would he have stopped it?

Daryl.

Then I wondered if he made it. When did I see him last? I lifted my head so I could look out of the window. Peering around, the car I was in was parked where it should be. With the exception of the one Shane and I took. It only took me a few seconds, but I was able to spot Daryl's motorcycle. I remembered the sound it made in the distance, the look on Shane's face, the frustration and impatience in his expression.

I shouldn't have asked questions, I should've stayed quiet and just followed him. I should've ran faster and maybe we could've made it to the car.

I kicked the passenger seat in front of me hard.

He left! He left so he didn't have to fight anymore! He left so him and Rick didn't need to disagree! He could run his shit how he wanted, making the worst choices and getting everyone killed. Was that not enough?! He still had to leave and hunt Shane down anyway.

Shane was so worried about his desire to kill Rick. Did he ever wonder if Rick wanted the same thing for him?

I should've just fucking shot him. If I had known what was going to happen, I would've done it. I was holding my gun, standing there for so long before T-Dog got to me. I had so many chances. But I was too busy worrying if Shane would finally get what he wanted.

I should've been worried about Rick.

All the events leading up to his death played behind my eyelids. Then I saw again. I remembered calling out his name, trying to stop him. And he looked at me, and Rick had lunged, taking advantage of my distraction.

"We'll take Toby back, where it's safe. Away from here."

And he had looked at me again. I remembered it so clearly, how his eyes met mine and just as soon as they did, they were taken off of me. Taken by Rick. Why did he fuckin' look at me?!

"Fuckin' asshole!" I yelled, kicking and punching the seat in front of me. I continued for a few minutes before I felt myself tire out. I rested my head against the back of the passenger seat, panting as the sobs started again. I wasn't sure who I'd aimed the curse at, it could've been Rick, it could've been me, it could've even had been Shane.

Maggie came next. She approached the opposite side of where I was, where Glenn had left the door open halfway. I only briefly glanced to see who it was as she opened the door wider. Then I quickly looked away, not wanting her to know that I acknowledged her presence.

She began talking, I wasn't sure what about. I acted like I didn't hear her, which was barely even an act because I did not pay attention. I was too busy trying to keep myself from screaming at her. I had no reason to yell at Maggie. I liked her. But that didn't mean I wanted her around.

She briefly mentioned food, but I had no appetite. I was content to stay in the car. She finally gave up after a few minutes, sliding out of the car, she left it half open just as Glenn did.

Once I was sure she was gone, I turned my head to look at her seat. She'd left a full water bottle on the seat. At least, I thought it'd been Maggie, but it could've been Glenn or Hershel, since I'd refused to look at them I wasn't entirely sure.

I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath.

When I opened them, the sky was dark. I'd lost more time.

It was dark enough that I knew night would fall soon, but not so dark that I couldn't see, there was still some light.

I wondered if I'd briefly fallen asleep, but I didn't feel as if I'd gotten any rest. I remembered closing my eyes. It had felt like I was only blinking, like my eyes had been closed for only a few seconds, but really, it could've been hours. Maybe even just one hour.

I swallowed the saliva in my mouth with some difficulty. My mouth was dry and I could still taste puke. I looked to my right left, remembering the water bottle Maggie left. I didn't want to take it, just out of sheer defiance toward them. But the taste and dryness of my mouth was becoming unbearable.

I reached for the bottle, grasping it with one and bringing it close to me. I moved my opposite hand over the cap to open it.

As I twisted the cap, and just as I did, I cast my eyes downward to look.

What I saw made my breath hitch. My whole body tensed, frozen as I stared down at my hands holding the bottle. The blood almost completely covered my hands, it may have covered more before but it had become clotted.

I dropped the water bottle, it fell to the floor of the car, between my feet. I spread out my fingers, palm down and inspected them with wide eyes.

The blood had dried, spread out on my skin, it had seemed through the tiny cracks, making itself stick. The blood climbed together, dried a harsh black-red colour, other place it had dried a deeper brown, where it was spread thinner. It had even nestled itself under my nails.

Panicking, I began rubbing my hand against the other harshly, trying to wipe the blood off. When that wasn't working, I attempted using my pants. But the dried mess stayed, determined to live there and remind me.

I reached down for the water bottle, planning on pouring some on my hands. But most of it had spilt out on the floor, I'd gotten the cap loose when I dropped it.

I poured what was left on my hands. But I had no towels, just my clothes and my hands. The little water did next to nothing to bloody mess that was my hands.

I would have to get out of the car, I realised, I had to deal with it, I had to get it off.

I remembered just what it felt like, the warm, sticky mess that was Shane as I held my hands down on his wound. I did not need that mess on my hands as a reminder.

I got out of the car, barely thinking over my actions as I walked. All I could think about was the blood, I wasn't even paying attention as I walked, my brain operating on auto-pilot.

I didn't go to the house, I didn't go to the RV, I didn't go to anyone in the group. I didn't even know if they were outside, I didn't search for them. I went to the water pump off the side of the house, near one of the wells.

I felt relief when I saw there was an empty bucket, I would use it.

I centered the bucket under the pump, I'd never used it before but I'd seen others do it.

It was hard, something I didn't have the arms for, but after a few pumps I was able to get some water into the bucket.

I kneeled down, putting my hands directly into the bucket and rubbed my hands together. It wasn't long before the water tinted red.

After scrubbing some more, I dumped the bucket and refilled it. I repeated my actions from before. Scrubbing my hands, though I had no soap I was able to get just about all of it off.

By the time I'd gotten all that I could off. I didn't feel any better, it was still stuck under my nail. And because I'd go so long without thinking it was there, I knew I'd must've run my hands through my hair at least once during my fits. It would be in my hair. It was on my clothes. It was probably on my face. I remembered how Shane had reached for me, grazing my cheek with his fingers.

My throat constricted, and I fought to start sobbing again. There was probably blood on his hands, which meant there'd be blood in that spot.

I scooped up as much water as I could and soaked my face, rubbing it with much more force than necessary.

I took in a shaky breath and stared down at my hands. They were no longer red from blood, but red from irritation. Then I noticed a small bruise on my right wrist, remembering T-Dog holding them both, trying to get me to drop the gun. The right wrist he'd been a bit harder on, because that was the hand that kept hold of the gun.

I lifted my eyes to look around. I saw some people on the porch, I recognized Lori first, but before I could name the others I looked back down at my hands. I didn't want to know who else was there, I didn't want to know if they were looking at me.

Everything in me was yelling, retreat, run!

I got up, trying to ignore the fact that there was still blood on my clothes and there was probably still some on my face and in my hair. I hurried back the way I'd come, I wanted to run, but I felt weak and couldn't get myself to speed up. I kept my head down, ignoring everything around me, hoping the others weren't still there and hoping they weren't looking at me.

After a few moments of walking, I was in front of the house, I would've kept going but something stopped me.

I felt my foot grazed something, something soft that wasn't grass. My dragging feet pushed whatever it was out of my way. But I still stopped, curious. Though my head was down I wasn't paying attention until then.

My eyes caught something dark and blue in the grass. I squinted, staring at it blankly. It was a hat. I reached down, picking it up, and flipping it over to inspect it. Recognition hit me hard, causing my stomach to knot for the hundredth time.

It was Shane's hat. The blue cap he'd worn since I met him. Why is it here? I glanced around quick, realizing this was where he shot Randall. Where he fought the others in the decision. I saw the scene play behind my eyelids, the hat had fallen off in the commotion. And after everything, it'd lay there, forgotten.

My eyes went to where Randall's body was before, but it was gone. They'd moved it.

I held the hat tight in my hand and hurried to the car.

The sun was done for the day, the air had chilled. There was no longer a reason for the doors to be kept open, and I didn't want to risk anyone thinking I wanted company, so I shut them both tightly.

I laid myself down on my side in the back seat. It wasn't comfortable, the latches for the seatbelts dug into my skin painfully. But I let myself feel the pain.

I didn't let go of the hat, I stared at it, placing it in front of my head as I traced the white symbols embroidered in the front. Not symbols, I realized, letters. I wondered what it said, I wished I'd asked him.

Another one dead. We'd lost so many. Before all of it, at home with Daddy, I'd never known anyone that died. Of course I'd heard about it, and Daddy mentioned his own parents once or twice before, they'd died. But it was before I was born, I never knew them.

Now everyone's droppin' like flies.

Amy and Andrea. Jim. Jacqui. Dale. Carol and Sophia. Shane. All dead.

I wondered about Merle again, Daryl didn't think he was dead, of course there was still a possibility, but I believed him.

Not dead, just gone. Daddy. Merle. Morales and his family. Shane.

I felt my eyebrows furrow, confused at my own thoughts. I didn't understand why I'd listed off Shane on the gone list. He couldn't be on both. Shane wasn't gone, I knew exactly where he was, I knew exactly what had happened. I knew where he was left lying-

I shot myself up into a sitting position, not even able to finished the thought as I grasped onto his cap tightly with both hands. I stared down hard at it, as if it held all the answers.

Dead.

Gone.

Dead.

Not gone.

Dead but not gone

Not dead. Not gone.

I gasped slightly. Not only was Shane not on both lists, he was on neither.

Thank you to sophiewhettingsteel For some awesome ideas for the future which cannot yet be revealed. She gave me a whole new understanding to some new changes in Toby. Loved messaging with you! I really hoped you enjoyed this recent installment!

Let me know what you think! Next chapter coming TODAY!