The Weight of Death

Glenn was waiting for us when we got back. He was no longer on the RV. When Daryl pulled in, he ran over to us.

"You're back, I was starting to . . . I didn't see her go with you?" Glenn looked confused, and worried. Daryl cut the engine.

"Don't worry 'bout it," Daryl told him, hopping off the bike then holding it steady for me to get off.

"But-"

"-Shut it. Who I wake up?"

I glanced at the bike, realizing the sound of it alerted others when he left.

"Maggie came out . . . Lori came to me, Rick was wondering to but I didn't see him. He didn't come out of his tent. He asked her to I guess . . . and T-Dog. I told them what you told me."

I pressed my lips together, angered that everyone knew I was gone, what I left to do. It felt so wrong, made my actions feel . . . tainted.

I hate them.

"Exactly what I told you?"

Glenn nodded, glancing at me for a split second. "Yeah, that you were just going for quick ride. You'd be back. I think they got it, that you might want some time for yourself. I just . . . I didn't know she left with you."

"Yeah, well. She saw me go, couldn't shake her. Get some sleep, I'll take your shift."

I shot my gaze up to Daryl, not bothering to hide my bewildered expression. He lied. No one even knew I was gone.

Glenn looked us both over again. "Did you guys hit some trouble? What happened?"

I looked down at myself, there was some more blood than before, some of it darker. Walker blood. I was sure it was on my face to.

"No, everythin's fine. Just go."

Glenn hesitated, but then nodded slowly. He handed the rifle they used for watch duty over to him, before walking away. I kept staring at Daryl.

Daryl looked down at me, taking in my expression for the first time. "Ain't their business," was all he said.

My lips parted, words right on my tongue, but nothing came out. I thought I knew what I should sat, but it was gone in a second. I shut my mouth and said nothing.

"Go to the tent," Daryl said suddenly, he noticed me eyeing the car. "I'm takin' watch for the rest of the night, car's too far. Need ya in sight."

I glanced toward the tent. I figured I would just listen to him, I felt so exhausted and weak. I started walking, not saying anything.

Daryl followed, I guessed he was going to the RV, "try and get some sleep."

The next morning was sunny and bright.

I hated it.

It projected the wrong feeling. A day with clear skies and a light breeze implied it was a good day.

It wasn't.

On a good day, people would be smiling, chatting and enjoying breakfast together as a group.

No one was.

Some were eating, but most were dragging their feet along as they walked. Jimmy and Beth were around, offering help. Maggie was out too, she was standing at the bottom of the ladder of the RV. I followed her gaze upward, on top of the RV was Glenn, he was tying things to the top. I guessed that was where we were keeping the tents and other things.

Daryl nudged my shoulder, "help clear out the tent. Then we'll pack it up."

I wanted to tell him no. I wanted to just stand there and watch how miserable everyone was. If I wasn't as miserable as they were, I'd find it almost funny, the way they almost pretended they aren't upset. But it was clear, you couldn't hide it, I didn't know why they were trying. But it wasn't funny, because I was miserable, almost for all the same reasons they are.

I knew what they were thinking.

They didn't want to leave. The farm was the safest place we had since the Quarry, they've become comfortable.

They shouldn't have.

That was how Dale died. They were too comfortable, no one was keeping watch. And Dale was too comfortable to realize he'd walked straight into a Walker. Carol was too comfortable to notice Sophia's dead corpse moving close enough to bite her. Though I couldn't exactly blame her for that, no one knew she would turn. Except Rick.

Rick could be blamed for it, he knew that we all turned after we die, but he didn't believe it. He was too comfortable to think it could really happen, too comfortable to warn anyone and take precautions. I wondered if Rick blamed himself for Carol.

Shane shot her.

She was already dying.

I hoped Rick suffered for it, I hoped he was suffering for Shane.

The farm may have been one of our safest places, but we still lost a lot of people since our arrival.

I could see it in all of them, the guilt, the sadness, the weight of death.

No matter how they felt about Shane's death, it still dropped like lead weights on all of their shoulders. They felt him, whether they wanted to or not.

Good.

After clearing out the tent with Daryl, we started to take it down. Every so often I would glance around, looking everyone over. They walked with their shoulders slumped, dragging their feet as if moving was the last thing they wanted to do. But they had to move, as a group, help each other, prepare to leave.

I thought more on that. The group had to depend on each other more than ever because there were so few of them.

They were pushing each other because they had to survive, protect, survive together. They were all friends on some level by that point, even Daryl didn't seem cold toward T-Dog or Rick anymore. Even though they left Merle to die.

I glanced at Daryl through the corner of my eye, but he didn't notice, he was busy with the tent.

Traitor. I thought. But I wasn't mad at him in that moment, not like I felt like I should be, like I thought he deserved. All the anger I had was tucked away, cramping itself into a ball. Saving itself for Rick, all of it. I couldn't seem to spare any for Daryl.

I decided it was better that way, if I stayed mad at Daryl I had no one else. I was already alone, already out of place. They were all friends, some relatives. I was no ones friend, no one's family. I was not useful, just a child, another mouth to feed, a burden.

The closest I got to these people was having to have a babysitter.

I had no purpose, no place, no skill. Going after Shane was my purpose, putting an end to the sickness that corrupted his body.

I'd done it, it was over. I had nothing.

"You should go wash up, take a shower."

Daryl was done with the tent, all packed up. I hadn't even noticed, I wondered how long he'd been done for.

"Might be your last chance for a while," he continued. "We're takin' off soon. Pro'ly in the next hour or so."

I didn't want to do anything, existing felt hard enough. But I still had Shane's blood under my fingernails, dried Walker blood on my hands and probably my face. I didn't wash up after last night. Which didn't matter, I didn't care about the Walker blood as much, but Shane's blood under my nails had been nagging at me. I wasn't able to get it out before. A shower would help. I hated the way my hair felt as well, slimy and knotted.

I didn't say yes to Daryl, I didn't want him to know I agree with him. So I just walked away instead.

I went into the house and up to the second floor. I didn't have clothes to change into, I didn't care. From down the hall I could hear water running. I leaned against the wall in front of the door, not really seeing anywhere else to go.

When T-Dog stepped out, he stopped and stared at me. He wasn't expecting to see me.

"Uh, hey." He didn't know what else to say. He tried very hard to think of something though. "Are . . . are you doing okay?"

I could tell he regretted the words as soon as he said them. No one was okay. I stood there, waiting for him to leave.

"Are you, uh, you gonna . . ." It was a question, partly. His briefly look into the bathroom. He was trying to ask if I was going to use the shower. Another stupid question, there's no other reason I would be here. He knew that, he just couldn't figure out what he should say to me.

"I'm gonna . . . go downstairs. Make sure everything's good . . ." He glanced down the hall at the stairs. It was like he was asking my permission, as if he wasn't sure he was allowed to leave me.

I didn't give him permission.

I watched as he awkwardly meanered himself away from me. Every so often looking back at me, as if I would do something or stop him.

It was almost funny, but I didn't laugh. I went into the bathroom and locked the door. I went over to the bathtub, pulled the curtain shut and turned the shower on. But I didn't go in right away, I let the water run. That way if anyone came upstairs they would hear the water and wouldn't try opening the door. I walked over to the mirror and looked at myself.

I couldn't remember the last time I'd really seen myself. I felt as if I looked different somehow, but I can't tell how. I leaning in closer I still didn't see any significant differences. I wonder if it was a good difference.

My hair looked wild, I hadn't brushed in it a while. I could see dirt and dried blood caked in it. I made a mental note to scrub my face hard to get the blood spatter off. Looking down at the sink, I saw a brush on the counter. Knowing my hair was going to hurt when I attempted to wash it I used the brushed, trying to get some of the knots out.

It was a gruesome, painful process. When I stopped, my scalp burned, my eyes were watering and my arms were sore. My hair was still knotted in places, but I'd had enough, hoping they came out in the shower.

When I started taking off my clothes, I saw the gun was still tucked in my waistband at my stomach. I pulled it out and examined it, wondering how long until one of them tried to take it from me. I was glad Daryl didn't bother, at least not so far. I wouldn't let anyone touch it. I placed it on the counter because I wasn't sure what else to do with it.

I remembered how purposeful I felt when searching for Shane. I was consumed with the determination of what I had to do. And once I'd done it, I felt empty. Empty, alone, and numb.

I sat in the tub and let the water pour down on me. Rubbing my face with my hands a few times, trying to wipe the blood away. I put soap on my hands and tried to get the blood out from under my fingernails. But I couldn't, it was stuck. I wanted to cry again, but I couldn't find the energy.

I sat there for a long time, long after the hot water ran out and started running cold.

The only thing my mind kept going back to was killing Rick, seeing the same emptiness he caused in Shane in his own face. It wasn't the same feeling as before, not as full and consuming as my last goal. I knew why too, because I wouldn't be able to do it. I'd need to have a plan. If I just tried to kill him, they would definitely take the gun away. Then the weird looks I got so often would get even worse. And if I actually succeeded in killing him? Then what? What would the group do? Kill me? Leave me behind?

I didn't know what to do. The whole situation felt unpredictable and so unreal. For the time being, I couldn't do anything, I would do nothing.

My aim wasn't so great anyways, whenever I was ready to kill Rick, it would be when I was ready. When my aim was ready. When I had a plan for after.

But why did I need a plan? Why did I want to survive? I would probably die at some point either way.

I put my fingers through my hair and yanked on it in frustration. That was when I started to cry. But it's wasn't for long.

I didn't know how much time passed until I finally decided to get up and wash out my hair. Most of the knots are gone by the end of it.

I shut the water off and stepped out, realizing I'd forgotten a towel. One was hanging on the towel rack, but it was a bit wet, it had already been used. I took it anyway and dried myself off a bit, the fact that it was already wet didn't help, but it didn't matter too much to me.

Then I put my bloodied shirt and jeans back on. I stuck my gun back into my waistband, but putting it behind my back instead. I didn't want to risk anyone spotting it.

I left the bathroom and walked toward the stairs. I stopped myself when I saw Maggie walking up them.

"Hi," she tried to force a smile and ending up succeeding, almost looking happy to see me. "How are you? You just got out of the shower?"

It wasn't a real question as she spotted my wet hair, but her eyes went down to my dirty clothes. Maggie beckoned me to follow her down the hall and into another room. I hesitated but decided to just do it, we were leaving anyway. I would probably never see her again.

"Sit, I'll find you something."

I sat on her bed as she searched the drawers of a dresser. I'm surprised at how easy the blankness comes to me, I wasn't even trying but I was maintaining an expressionless face without effort. I'd tried so hard and so long to be just like Daddy, blank, unreachable, detached, strong. And finally I was doing it, without even trying.

I took that moment to examine my nails, remembering how she helped me when my feet were blistered and toenails were cracked.

When she found something she made her way back to me. I held out my hands to her, palm down. I showed her instead because the entire time she was looking, I was trying to find the right words to ask her to help me. But I failed.

She was confused at first, looking from my hands to my face. When she saw I wasn't going to speak, she took a closer look, taking one of my hands in hers.

"Hold on," she placed clothes she found on the bed and left the room. She came holding a small bowl of water and a tiny scrub brush.

She patted the floor to beckon me to sit there with her. I obeyed and she began cleaning my nails. I felt instant relief, though I surprised myself in how much I trusted her to fix that problem.

"Everyone's all packed up and ready to go, just about. I think we're all just stalling. Me and my sister, we don't want you all to go. This arrangement . . . we shouldn't be separating ourselves. We should be helping each other . . ."

I glanced at her, her frustration obvious but she was able to quickly calm herself down.

"Things will work out in the end. I'm sure they'll all just come back or we'll hunt them down ourselves. My dad . . . it can be hard to change his mind on things. He's so set in his own ways. But . . . everything will work out. I know it."

I looked away from her. I had no words, she had plenty.

"Rick's been talking," She continued. I flinched at Rick's name. She's on his side too? "The plan is to try and find a safe place, one better than here. People should unite, now more than ever. Things can get hard on your own. The more of us the better. Once that safe place is found, we can come together. That's what I want to happen. I think it will."

I didn't agree with her. For all I knew she could've been eaten by a Walker the very next day.

"I'm rambling," her voice was apologetic. "I'm just . . . I've been needing to talk to you. Everytime I try . . . so much has happened. I'm not even sure where to start."

I stared down at my hands, she dipped the one she'd been scrubbing with the nail brush into a bowl of water, rinsing it. Then she revealed a small pointed tool, and proceeded to pick the rest of the dirt and blood out from under my nails. I didn't like the contact, I wanted to pull away and run, not to be touched. But I needed the blood gone more.

"Glenn's staying," she blurted. "He wants to stay. He wants to stay here . . ."

That surprised me. I wasn't sure how to react, Glenn had been with us for so long, but as I tried to remember, I couldn't recall when exactly he had joined our group. It was sometime after we first set up camp, that was all I remembered.

She stopped her actions, finished with my one hand. I inspected it, feeling relieved at the lack of redness under my nails and around my cuticles.

I glanced up to find her staring at me. She seemed anxious, but not entirely in a bad way. She almost seemed excited, but nervous and flustered.

"And we . . . Glenn wanted us to tell you together. But he's busy and with them leaving so soon . . . ."

Her hesitance was beginning to annoy me, she kept stopping in between sentences and I didn't like it. I wished she would just say whatever it was. If she wasn't sure what to say, why was she even talking?

"We want you to stay too."

I got my wish, she said it. I stared back at her, my jaw went slack. She placed her hand over my other one, the one she hadn't cleaned. She gently pulled it toward her, I expected her to start scrubbing, but she only held my hand.

"I want you to stay. You don't have to go back out there. Glenn's told me how it is and . . . I don't want you to go back to that. Heck, I don't want any of you to go back to that. But I couldn't convince my dad to let everyone stay. He agreed to Glenn, and I talked to him about you."

About me? I'd actually meant to say that out loud, but I couldn't get my mouth to move.

"What do you think?" She finally voiced the actually question instead of a statement.

I had no idea what I thought. I liked the farm, I liked Maggie. I didn't really have an opinion on the rest of the people that lived there. Except for Hershel, he seemed stupid. Locking up Walkers so close to where he slept.

"Stay with us here. You could come fishing with me and Beth. I could teach you how to ride a horse. I know you like them."

I tried to imagine it. Helping Maggie harvest crops, feeding the chickens and collecting eggs. I imagined myself riding one of the horses, Maggie walking beside me. I wouldn't have to be on the road, no more incidences like at the school or the place we found that doctor. The farm was surrounded by such large fields we would see Walkers coming from miles away. We wouldn't be surprised, we could always prepare ourselves.

But then there was Hershel. What's he think about killing Walkers now? And how many of them had any gun experience? As far as I knew, Glenn would be the most experienced out of all of them. And comparing Glenn's shot to the rest of the group, it wasn't exactly comforting. It didn't help that Hershel didn't like the use of guns in general.

Was the farm peaceful and safe? For the most part, but when danger finally came, would they be able to fend it off?

"And hopefully soon Rick will find a better place, or I'll be able to convince daddy to let everyone come back."

Her last words drag me from my thoughts. Rick. Even if there plan was to reunite in the future, it didn't mean it would happen. There was a chance I would never see Daryl, Carl or Rick again. When I would finally be prepared to kill Rick, how could that happen if I never saw him again? What if he ended up dying on the road and I would never know?

The thoughts would never leave me if I stayed. I would always wonder, and maybe hate myself for not killing Shane's murderer. And if Rick died somehow out there on his own, I would need to know about it. Save me the trouble of the desire to shoot him in the head.

But at the same time, staying at the farm with this family, with whatever their beliefs were about the dead, I could deal with it. It seemed so much better than being in Rick's presence.

And Daryl . . . Try as I might, I couldn't imagine living in this walking-corpse riddled world without him. Even imagining myself living at the farm, he was still there somehow. I tried to imagine what it would be like if he wasn't around, how things were before I met him and Merle, but it didn't work. My brain refused to cooperate to come to terms with Daryl not being around.

Maggie had started scrubbing my nails again, but her focus kept shifting to my face. She was trying to act busy while letting me think it over. She wanted my answer.

The farm was where Sophia was taken to heal and then die. Where Carol got bitten, her arm chopped off, before being shot in the head by Shane. Dale was killed not paying attention to his surroundings. He thought this place was safe until a Walker tore his stomach open. Shane killed Randall there.

It was always Shane's plan to leave the farm, with or without the group. It was time to find something different.

But still, Daryl. My thoughts kept circling back to him. He'd come to find me in the night, and instead of dragging me back or leaving me behind, he took me to Shane. And he hated Shane, he probably loved the idea of him wandering as a corpse. But he still took me, even though he didn't agree to my plan.

Why did he do that? Babysitting me was one thing, he could've just dragged me back.

The decision was made, that pull toward Daryl couldn't be ignored. But I could easily ignore the voice in my head telling me how sick of me Daryl was, how he probably wanted his tent back to himself. I could ignore that for now.

Several minutes passed, Maggie was almost finished with my hand. I finally got up the courage to shake my head. Her own head lifted at my actions, she'd been watching me, waiting for something.

I continued to shake my head before finally telling her, "no."

She stared for a moment, pausing her actions on my hand. Then she forced a smile, "I understand."

She didn't seem happy with it though.

When she finished with my hand she gave me a few moments of privacy to let me change. A regular black T-shirt that she claimed was hers, it was baggy on me and hung over my one shoulder. It showed more skin then I was comfortable so I found myself constantly pulling it up my shoulder.

The jeans belonged to Beth at some point. Maggie used a pair of scissors to cut the extra length off of them to they ended at my ankle. When she left the room again, she returned with a bright green, small bungee cord with hooks at either side. I flinched away from her when she came forward, claiming to want to put it around my waist.

I did it myself, sliding the cord through to belt loops and joining the hooks under my belly button. The makeshift belt worked good. When she wasn't looking, I grabbed Shane's Glock I'd hidden under my bloody clothes when I'd changed and tucked it into the my waistband at my back. The cord helped hold it in place better. Then I took Shane's pendant out of the pocket of my old jeans, shoving it into the back pocket of my new ones. I left the clothes behind. Usually I didn't care about stains, but I wouldn't keep clothing stained with Shane's blood.

I didn't say anything else to her. She would talk a bit, but nothing of real importance.

We walked out the front porch together. She stopped before going down the steps. Looking around. I saw the rest of the group around the RV. Lori and Carl stepped onto it. It was time to go.

Maggie's arms were around me and I stiffened. It wasn't what I was expecting. But it wasn't unpleasant. After a moment I let myself lean into her. My eyes watered a bit but not enough for tears to fall. I was having a hard time being blank in that moment, I was glad for my face being buried in her shoulder.

"I gave Daryl a bag of clothes the other day, so you don't go without anything. It isn't much."

She pulled away, giving me a smile. Her eyes were watering up just as mine were, but her looked dangerously close to overflowing.

"Hey," Glenn greeted us when he came to stand on the steps in front of us. He tried to give a smile but it was gone when he saw Maggie's face. "What's . . . ?"

Maggie shook her head at him, causing him to trail off as she looked back at me. "You be safe, okay?"

I just nodded, taking the cue and pulling away. I didn't look at Glenn as I passed him.

"She's not-"

Maggie cut him off as I walked away, "-she said no."

I spotted Daryl standing by his bike and headed toward him, wanting nothing to do with the RV. Daryl turned to me, looking me up and down, examining my clothes. "Ya ready?"

I shrugged.

Daryl stepped a few feet away and picked my green backpack off the ground and handed it to me. "Go get in the RV, train's leavin'."

I glanced quickly at the RV, seeing almost everyone else standing by it. No one was by the other cars we also came in. Which I understood, we didn't need as many cars as we came in. I went over it in my head, the names, the numbers. We'd come here with twelve people, we were leaving with eight.

I assumed that meant everyone else would be in the RV. Including Rick. No way, not happening.

I glanced at his bike.

"No." Daryl got the message right away. "I dunno know how long we're gonna be on the road today and I don't got a helmet for ya."

I turned back at Daryl making my displeasure known through my expression.

"Don't ya give me that look. Shit last night was different, we were only ridin' for a few minutes."

I kept staring at him.

He rolled his eyes, "get goin'. I'll be trailin' ya the whole time, ya'll see me from the window."

I knew I wasn't going to change his mind. I'd just have to swallow it and move on, hopefully we wouldn't be driving very long. The bit of information he gave me did send me some comfort, I was already planning to take a seat by one of the windows to watch for him. It wasn't like I had anything else to do.

I left Daryl without a word and headed to the RV, ignoring the people around me. When I passed Rick, I felt myself grinding my teeth and speeding up my pace. I felt better once I was in the RV, Rick hadn't stepped on yet.

"Hey," Carl said from the couch. He was sitting beside Lori who had her arm around him. Carl was sad, he barely looked at me even in his greeting. I knew he heard about Shane, I wonder exactly what he heard. I wonder if he knew his father shot him in the stomach just moments before stabbing him in the chest.

I stared at him for a few long moments. Lori gave me a brief hello. Her face was flushed and her eyes were puffy, she'd been crying. At the back of the RV, I saw T-Dog and Guillermo sitting at the edge of the bed, talking.

I said nothing and made my way to the booth, sitting against the window.

"Did you say goodbye to Maggie?" Rick asked. I was startled for a moment, then I looked out the window. Rick was talking to Glenn, not me.

Glenn wasn't looking at Rick, but off at something else, his eyes squinted at the bright sun. "No."

"No?" Rick's voice portrayed genuine confusion. "What do you mean?"

Glenn turned his head then, meeting Rick's eyes. "I'm not going. I'm in love, Rick, or as close as I'm liable to get. I don't know if I'll ever find another woman like Maggie. She talked it over with her father. He said it's okay. I'm not leaving."

There's no response from Rick for several moments. "Oh, Glenn . . . I, uh . . ."

"I think part of the reason I didn't have any problems running into Atlanta for supplies was because I didn't really care if I lived or died. I was scared . . ." There was something in Glenn's voice that made it sound lighter. He wasn't miserable or weighed down like the rest of us were. "But I didn't care that I was scared. I think I almost wanted to die, just to get it over with. I don't feel that way now, not with Maggie. I gotta stay, Rick. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I don't want to be alone."

"No, Glenn . . . I completely understand. I want you to be happy."

I wasn't sure if I believed Rick. Whether or not he wanted happiness for Glenn, I knew what he was thinking. We'd lost another. We were one man fewer.

Seven.

Glenn smiled, it was a small smile. "I am happy, I didn't think it was possible, but I am."

"You want to come in, say goodbye to everyone?"

Glenn looked at the RV, his eyes go to my window briefly. He shook his head, "no, just go. I'm terrible with goodbyes."

Then I watched as they awkwardly gave each other a one-armed hug. I tore my attention away from them, instead staring at the table.

"T, can you drive?" My whole body cringed at Rick's voice, realising he was on the RV.

"Yeah," T-Dog responded and left Guillermo. "Where's Glenn?"

"He's staying."

"What?" Lori said.

"He's staying with Maggie," Rick revealed.

The rest of them talked it over for an extra minute. T-Dog laughed it off and smiled, seeming to accept it. Lori didn't seem as if she knew how to react, and kept asking Rick if he was sure. She voiced that it felt like they were abandoning Glenn. Carl added that he didn't want to leave Glenn.

But soon enough, there was no other choice but to move on. T-Dog put himself in the driver's seat, and Rick sat in the passenger.

I felt the RV begin to move. T-Dog honked the horn twice and waved out his window. I glared slightly, unhappy about the sudden loud noise.

As we pulled onto the road, T-Dog sighed loudly. "Well, here we go again."

"Shut up," Rick ordered.

I haven't started the new talking dead chapter yet. haven't had much inspiration. But if you have any ideas for the interviews, as in questions for actors PM me or leave it in a review.

Same goes for this story, any ideas or anything you want to see, let me know!

BTW I know it sucks to be leaving Glenn and Maggie behind, I took the comic route here. But they'll be back. this is only temporary, (like 1-3 chapters) You didn't really think we'd leave them at the farm forever did you?

I know this chapter wasn't much. But I still want to know what you think, so leave a review!