Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters contained in this story. In fact, I wrote to this to poke fun at certain fanfiction authors who act as though they do own the Harry Potter novels and can therefore rape canon as much as they want to.
The title of the story is a parody of the title of a South Park episode, "Trapped in the Closet," by Trey Parker and Matt Stone --- in which, we all remember, "Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet." I thought that the pun on "water closet" and the homosexual implications were too perfect to pass up, since this story details with a bathroom and Harry falling in love with Snape. More author's notes and explanations at the bottom of the chapter.
Harry Potter: Trapped in the Water Closet
Chapter 1
Harry Potter woke up one morning in his seventh year with a sensation similar to an anvil being pressed against his bladder. Suddenly realizing that the three glasses of pumpkin juice he'd consumed before going to bed were taking their toll on his digestive system, he sprinted to the bathroom he shared with the other Gryiffindor boys --- but to his dismay, the door was quite locked.
"Hey!" he shouted, pounding on the door with his fist. "Whoever's in there hurry up, I really have to take a leak!"
"Sorry, mate," Seamus Finnigan's voice called from inside the bathroom. "I'm making a deposit to the porcelain bank. It's not a job I can rush."
Harry groaned, knowing that someone would have to cast a powerful fragrance charm in there once Seamus was finished. He was also aware that the Irishman was notorious for taking what seemed like years in the loo; there was no way in hell that Harry could hold it in for that long. As he stood there doing "the dance," he desperately tried to figure out what to do. The potted plant that sat on Neville's nightstand was starting to look really inviting, when suddenly it occurred to him: why didn't he just apparate to one of the other bathrooms in the castle? Never had he felt so full of determination, deliberation or in need of being in a specific destination than he did right then. Closing his eyes, he summoned a vision of the first bathroom that came to mind --- the one right next to the Potions classroom, since that was his first class that day --- and, after a moment of hard concentration, he disappeared with a pop.
When he reappeared again, he found that he had been a bit too specific of his destination. For not only was he in the bathroom in the dungeons, but he was actually inside one of the small, cramped stalls --- and in front of him sat Professor Snape, who was himself making a deposit at the porcelain bank.
Snape immediately dropped the issue of "Wizard Weekly" magazine that he'd apparently been reading, and it fell to his feet near where his underpants sat limply around his ankles. His robes were hiked up to his knees like a skirt, giving Harry a glimpse of a couple of pale, thin legs covered in dark hair. If Harry hadn't been so shocked and horrified, he might have laughed…but as it was, he pissed himself instead.
The expression on Snape's face at that moment was unforgettable; it trumped all the other nasty looks he had ever given Harry before in the seven years that the boy had been at Hogwarts. Snape looked, in fact, as though he believed that Harry's "little accident" was something the boy had done on purpose to add insult to injury and embarrass him further.
"POTTER!" the professor roared. "THIS IS THE WORST - THE MOST ARROGANT - STUNT YOU'VE PULLED YET---"
"N-n-no, sir, I didn't mean to," Harry stuttered, "honest, I just really had to pee, and---"
"EIGHTY-TWELVE POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!" And suddenly Snape's wand was in his hand, and he performed a voiceless incantation that sent Harry flying backwards out of the stall, breaking the door in the process. Harry lay on the cold stone floor for only a split second before realizing that the same magic that got him into this mess would get him out, so he immediately apparated back to the Gryffindor boys' dormitory. The last thing he saw before his body left the bathroom was the Potions master still glaring at him from his perch on the toilet.
A/N: I came up with the idea for this story out of nowhere yesterday, when it suddenly occurred to me that it could be quite funny if someone apparated into a public bathroom when someone was already using it. (What can I say; I possess an odd sense of humor.) I had already written the first chapter when I remembered that apparition is impossible in Hogwarts, so I decided to make this fact another part of the story. Somehow, it evolved into a parody of Harry/Snape stories and several other fanon things that I find silly.
This is my first attempt at a humor/parody fic; I've only ever written romance/drama fanfics before, and I've found that writing humor is much harder. So if you don't think that this is funny, or if you think some parts of it are less funny than others, please feel free to let me know in your review and tell me how you think I could make this better! However, please remember that constructive criticism is preferable to flames; I'm much less likely to listen to you if you just write, "This sucks, you're a horrible writer, never write again."
The story is already complete except for the very end of the last chapter. Hopefully, the last chapter will be up as soon as possible. Hope you enjoy the fic!