Chapter Two

"…And then when I was back in the dorm, Seamus had just flushed the toilet and was walking out of the bathroom, and he took one look at me and of course right away he saw the stain on the crotch of my pyjama pants, and said, 'Mate, you did not just piss yourself, did you?'…"

Ron bent back laughing at Harry's story, nearly toppling over the armchair in which he sat in the Gryffindor common room later that afternoon. Just then Hermione walked in, and she raised a curious eyebrow at her friends.

"What on earth are you boys in hysterics about?" she inquired, taking a seat next to them. Ron tried to respond, but he was still laughing so hard that it took several attempts before he could finally get it out:

"Harry --- walked in --- on Snape --- sitting on the john ---" And then Ron's face turned red and he was once again unable to speak. Hermione's jaw dropped.

"You've got to be joking."

"I wish," Harry said, grimacing. "Actually, Ron's laughing too hard to tell you the story properly --- I didn't actually walk in on Snape, it so happened that I woke up having to pee really badly so I apparated to the bathroom in the dungeons---"

Hermione let out an incredulous chortle. "Now I know you're joking. You know it's impossible to apparate inside Hogwarts, Harry, I've told you and Ron a thousand times…what are you looking at me like that for?"

Harry was frozen in astonishment. Hermione was right --- apparition was supposed to be impossible at Hogwarts, and she wasn't the only one who had told him so. He'd forgotten this fact that morning when he'd been so desperate to relieve himself that he simply tried the first thing that came to mind. He'd certainly apparated, but how had it worked?

"Hermione, I know you don't believe me," he said slowly, "but I really did apparate today. In fact, I did it twice."

"Nonsense! The only time that's even remotely possible is during apparition lessons, and someone has to temporarily lift the magical ban to do that," she scoffed.

"Well, someone must have lifted it then, because why in the world would I make a story like that up? I don't know what it could mean, except…" Harry froze again, a dazed look passing over his face. "I'm in love with Snape."

Now, both Ron (who, until that moment, had still been giggling) and Hermione were silent. After a few moments, Ron said, "Come on, Harry, that's just sick."

"No!" Harry cried, his emerald eyes wide and full of a love-struck glimmer. "I just…I never realized it before…until I saw him, sitting there so vulnerable before me…it must have been fate that allowed me to apparate into his stall this morning, so that I could realize that…Severus Snape is my soulmate."

His two friends exchanged extremely worried glances. "Um, Ron," Hermione said nervously, "d'you think that anyone could have…slipped him a love potion?"

"Probably more like a batshit-insane, really-twisted-sense-of-humor potion," Ron replied. "Harry, you're not in love with Snape, he's…fucking Snape!"

"See, I knew you two would be homophobic about it!" Harry said indignantly. "Just because I've fallen in love with a man, you think that my love is somehow inferior, but it's not, it's just as pure and beautiful as anyone else's!---"

"Harry, you moron, half the gay kids at Hogwarts came out to me first," Hermione interrupted in an annoyed tone of voice. "We're not homophobic! We don't care if you like blokes! It really is that…well…like Ron said, that it's fucking Snape."

"You're the one who always said that he wasn't so bad!" Harry argued. "And is he really, after all? You have to admit that he's gorgeous..."

"He has a hook nose, and teeth yellower than the Hufflepuff common room," Ron broke in, his face etched with disbelief.

"…with such long, silky black hair…"

"Um, Harry, his hair is definitely greasy, not silky," said Hermione, "I don't know how you can confuse the two, especially when our papers come back to us with grease stains on them…"

"…and he's so intelligent, and he has the most wonderful, snarkiest wit…:"

"Like that time he said he 'saw no difference' when Malfoy hexed my front teeth?" Hermione said darkly, shooting Harry the Look Of Death.

"Well, okay, that was kinda mean, but other than that…"

"And when he was a complete prick to you starting on our first ever Potions class," Ron pointed out, "and all the times he was a shit to Neville, and all the times he was horrible to you just because you're the Boy Who Lived, and unfairly docked all those house points from Gryffindor, and called your father arrogant, and called your mother a mudblood…"

"And tried to get the Dementors to give your godfather the Kiss," Hermione continued, "and let it slip that our best Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was a werewolf so that he had to resign, and hurled a jar of beetles at your head when he threw you out of your Occlumency lessons, and may have been partially responsible for Sirius's death…"

"Not to mention the fact that he told You-Know-Who about the prophesy involving you and your parents, thereby indirectly causing their deaths --- and last year, didn't he kill Dumbledore?" Ron said, looking as though he had just now remembered this fact.

"Oh, yeah, speaking of which, why is Snape still teaching here when he's wanted for murder?" Hermione asked, looking extremely confused. "Shouldn't he be in hiding or in Azkaban for Avada Kedravra-ing one of the most beloved wizards in Britain?"

"And what the hell are we still doing here at Hogwarts in our seventh year --- shouldn't we be looking for Horcruxes?" Ron asked. Both he and Hermione suddenly had the odd feeling that they had been unwittingly thrown into some absurd alternative universe, created by a fourteen year old fangirl who had no clue what gay sex was like yet still insisted on writing slash. But that made even less sense than any of the other strange things that were going on that day, so they shivered and tried to brush away the eerie feeling.

Harry, meanwhile, remained stubborn (although a better term would perhaps be delusional). "Horcruxes, Schmorcruxes!" he cried, silencing his friends with a nonchalant wave of his hand. "Going on a scavenger hunt for Voldemort's toys is nowhere near as important as me falling in love and engaging in hot man-on-man action. And I don't want to hear another word against my Sev. I know he's really sweet and affectionate at heart; you just haven't gotten to know him well enough! Think of how much nicer he's become just this year!"

"This morning he sent you flying through the door of a bathroom stall," Ron said. "I think we can say for certain that Snape is just as Snape-y as ever."

Harry just starred off into the flames of the fire with a dreamy expression on his face, and started singing a tune under his breath --- Hermione and Ron couldn't quite make out the words, but they sounded suspiciously like "Sevvy Is My Prince."

"Oh God, Ron," Hermione said, mortified. "This is bad."

A/N: The reason why this story makes fun of the Harry/Snape (a.k.a. "Snarry") ship is, honestly, because I dislike that pairing. For some reason, it just really squicks me (which has nothing to do with the fact that it's slash; I am pro-gay rights and I write slash myself!). On top of that, I think it's pretty implausible, since in order to make Snape someone that Harry would fall in love with, he has to be written horribly OOC. This is one of the reasons why I'm not as much a fan of Hermione/Snape as I once was.

But I have a good friend who reads Snarry and I don't think that fans of that pairing are stupid…just maybe a little misguided. (Kidding!) I know that a lot of the pairings I'm a fan of probably squick other people, and I wrote this story for fun, not to actually demean anyone else's personal tastes. The same goes for all the other fanon things I parody in this fic, which include mpreg and Severitis. To each his own…but that doesn't mean that I can't make fun of it. ;)