Chapter Twelve

"She does not love me." Data's voice was flat, his expression empty as he stared out the window of the crowded shuttlebus, observing but not truly 'seeing' the elegant bridges and sparkling bay below. "I know now that she never did."

Geordi closed his eyes and ran a hand over his face. Closing his eyes didn't stop or block the images his brain received from his VISOR, but squeezing them shut could sometimes help with the nagging headache that never seemed to leave him alone.

"She likes you, Data," he said and tapped his VISOR. "I could see that. But Tasha's going through a lot right now. We all are."

Data's jaw tightened, and he swallowed.

"I used to think she chose to…distance herself…from me because I lacked emotion," Data said, his voice rough. "I imagined, once she saw I was capable of love…that she would understand. That she would…sense…how special she has been to me…"

Tears welled up in the corners of his golden eyes. He sniffed and fiercely rubbed them away.

Geordi pursed his lips, his own anger and hurt bubbling up to say, "So, you two really did… And you never thought to tell me!"

"We were under the influence of the polywater intoxicant brought over from the Tsiolkovsky," Data confessed. "Once the cure had been distributed, Tasha denied the event had taken place. I was…sworn to secrecy, if you will…and although she and I remained close friends until her death, we never..." He shook his head. "After that, it did not seem…appropriate…to…"

Geordi waved him away. "OK, OK, I get it."

"I am sorry if this hurts you, Geordi," Data said sincerely. "I certainly never intended to keep—"

"I said it's OK, Data!" Geordi exclaimed.

"But…" Data blinked and shook his head again. "No, it is not. I do not feel 'OK'. Nothing has been 'OK' since I installed this damn chip!"

"Oh, here we go," Geordi said, a surge of exasperation spiking through him. "Not everything is about you, you know. Other people have feelings too. Part of having emotions of your own is learning how to deal with that!"

Data blinked at him, surprised by the real anger in his friend's tone. "What do you—?"

"I was friends with Tasha too, Data!" Geordi exclaimed. "I used to hope—" He stopped short and forced a sigh out through his nose. "But it seems she wanted you. She still prefers you! I never stood a chance."

Data stared. "I was unaware that you felt this way about Tasha."

"Yeah, well, apparently, so was she." Geordi rubbed his face again and leaned back in his chair. For a long moment, both men were silent. Then, Data spoke.

"She is different," he said with a sullen bitterness that really jabbed at Geordi's nerves.

"Are we still talking about Tasha?"

"She is not the same as I remember."

Geordi shook his head.

"She's exactly the same, Data. We're the ones who've changed."

Data turned on him, his golden eyes still sharp with lingering hurt.

"I am an android, Geordi," he said. "Unlike humans, my memories do not fade or alter with time. I think I would recognize any deviation from previously observed behaviors and attitudes that—"

"Data, stop right there." Geordi rubbed his temples and sighed through his nose. "How can I put this in a way you will understand…"

"You can start by refraining from using that condescending tone," Data said. "I am an android, not a child to be patronized."

"Data, I know you're an android. You don't have to keep repeating it," Geordi said irritably. "And I'm not trying to patronize you. I'm trying to say I know where you're coming from. Because I've been there too!"

Data narrowed his eyes in disbelief.

"You have had your affections trampled by the one woman in the universe you believed truly understood and cared for you?" he challenged. "Who made you...made you feel like the man you always wished you could become…"

"Yes!" Geordi snapped, and Data blinked. "Goddammit, Data…!" He sighed. "I always do this. Troi told me I always do this, and now I'm seeing what it looks like. You put a woman on a pedestal, construct this whole fantasy around her, and the more effort you put in to building it up the more it ends up pushing the real woman away. Because the fantasy isn't about her. It doesn't include her. It's about you."

Data regarded him. "That is not what I—"

"Sure it is," Geordi broke in. "I know it because I've done it. For god's sake, Data, the last time I had serious feelings for a woman, she was a hologram!"

"You are referring to Dr. Leah Brahms."

Geordi swore again, and forced himself to take a calming breath.

"Yeah," he said. "Of course, the hologram wasn't Leah. Not the real, living, breathing, accomplished Leah. She was a computerized extrapolation drawn from the real Leah's log entries and published works. A simulacrum – a boiled-down outline of a human being. I didn't consider that at the time. Oh no. Didn't even cross my mind. After all, beyond her work and a few likes and dislikes, I didn't know the first thing about Leah Brahms. I didn't know she was married…didn't think to find out if she had a husband, a family… I mean, how easy would it have been to ask the computer to read out her bio? To just open my mouth and ask? Yet I didn't. I couldn't bring myself to…to…"

"To displace the illusion?" Data said, his head slightly tilted.

Geordi pursed his lips and nodded.

"You're not the only one to think you're…lacking…Data," he said. "Incomplete. Different. To wonder if you're missing something, inside. The ability to connect…to truly share yourself with another person… I had attached my self-worth to believing that, if Leah and I ever did meet, that she would… That she could fall for me. I couldn't risk losing that. As long as I could believe there was someone out there who…who saw me as…"

"Her special someone…" Data's voice was soft, thoughtful. Geordi rubbed the bridge of his nose beneath his VISOR.

"It was all on me, Data, all in my mind," he said. "I'd built this whole emotional world around my image of what the idea of Leah meant to me…of what we could be… When the real Leah came to the ship, I didn't even see her. I only saw my fantasy, my dreamworld hopes. Hopes she had no idea I held, and that she certainly didn't share. She wasn't the same as I remembered, because she wasn't the Leah I had created in my mind."

Data nodded once, then looked up.

"Geordi, you are discussing the difference between a human being and a holodeck simulation," he said. "My friendship with Tasha was—"

"No, Data, I'm talking about the difference between reality and the fantasies we build inside our heads to protect ourselves from being hurt," Geordi countered firmly. "And, emotions or not, when it comes to Tasha, I've got to say, that is one doozy of a fantasy you've built up in there. OK, so she let her guard down for one day. She seduced you while under the influence, got you to believe you meant more to her than you did. But you can't hinge your self-worth, your sense of personhood and masculinity, on Tasha's feelings! How is that fair to her? To you? To anyone?"

"I suppose it is not," Data said, his brow furrowed in thought. "But—"

"Whether she accepts or rejects your advance is down to choice and circumstance," Geordi told him. "It's not a test you can pass or fail! And it's not on her if the fantasies in your mind don't match up with whatever might be going on in hers. Do you understand me, Data?"

The android nodded again, but he still looked conflicted. "I believe I do, Geordi," he said. "But...if you are saying, in essence, that we fall in love, not just with a person wholly external to us, but with a fantasy of how that person can fill what is missing from our interior lives, how can I ever be certain my perceptions match up with reality? How can I know my feelings are not misinformed, or misplaced - or know for sure what she thinks of me?"

Geordi ran a hand over his short-cropped hair.

"Look, Data…" he said. "I'm hardly the one to give advice here. I got half this stuff from Counselor Troi after my own fantasy imploded. All I can say is just talk to her. Talk, and listen. Tell her what you're feeling, and do your best to understand where she's coming from. Tasha's pretty straightforward. She'll appreciate the truth. And she'll expect you to appreciate hers in return."

Data regarded the engineer for a long time, his golden gaze deep and intense.

"You are a very good friend, Geordi," he told him.

"Yeah," Geordi said, and clapped the android on the shoulder. "I know, pal. I know…"

To Be Continued…

References Include - TNG: The Naked Now; Booby Trap; Galaxy's Child; Skin of Evil; The Measure of a Man. Includes a direct quote from: Maria Popova, "Why We Fall In Love," Brain Pickings, October 5, 2015.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Let me know what you think so far! Please review! :D