Summery: a collection of scenes depicting the romantic exploits of the dashing and gallant sir Gareth of Naxen (the younger). ITHOTG time period.

Chapter The first…. In which Jon and Gary have Poetic Issues.

Gary's POV

Normally, my cousin and I would never be caught inside on a day like this; the sun was shining, the sky was cloudless and pristine, and the weather was just right for swimming. Usually, we'd be out riding, or in the city, or something. And yet, both Jonathon and I were slumped dejectedly in my humid room, desperately searching our empty skulls for poetic inspiration. In my experience, poetry is sort of a soft option. However, when the going gets tough…the tough will try anything. The reason for our sad downfall could be summed up I one word: women. More specifically, women who were averse to giving us the time of day, much less their love. And so, Jon and I were spending every spare moment attempting to convey our passion through verse. To say we were pathetic would be an understatement.

"What rhymes with 'sapphire eyes'?" I asked.

"Mmm…. I don't know…convincing lies? No definitely not…how about…heartfelt sighs? Great hair dye?" I suppressed a groan of frustration. I'd never win Cythera at this rate! Perhaps if I complemented her dress…?

A loud crash in the hall outside, followed by an explicit stream of curses interrupted my train of though abruptly. Alan shot through my door and slammed it after him as if he was being chased by a horde of angry wolverines with pitchforks. Another set of curses came from the hall. Alan's eye's darted around my room, a panicked expression on his face. Someone pounded on my door. Alan crawled hastily under my bed, pausing only to fix Jonathon and me with a threatening glare.

"I'm not here!" he informed us decisively, before shooting under the bed.

Before I could even process what had happened, my door was thrust open yet again. An irate Raoul stood in the frame, white with rage and inexplicably shoeless.

"Think carefully, " he growled at me, "have you seen Alan anywhere?"

"No," I said, eyeing him warily, "sorry mate."

"Stupid bastard" Raoul muttered, "He's got my shoes." Nodding at me, he took off down the hall, pounding on doors. Alan emerged from under my bed, looking slightly ruffled.

"He said you had his shoes…" Jon said, sounding confused, "Alan, what in the world—"

" A misunderstanding. Nothing more. " The younger boy replied, waving his knight-master off, "think nothing of it. Long story, anyways. Smoothing his shirt fastidiously, he fixed us with a vaguely mocking smirk." So… you two love birds still hard at it, eh? The Moping is coming along well, I hope?"

"Yeah, well" I began defensively, but was interrupted by my cousin who'd clearly had some sort of epiphany.

"Alan! You'd know girls!" he cried excitedly with a slightly crazed look in his eyes.

"I…suppose…?" he asked cautiously. I eyed my friend curiously. He'd never shown any sign of knowledge towards the female species. Quite the opposite, in fact. Perhaps it was a clever ruse…

"Here!" Jon was saying "read this, and tell my what you think!" eyeing us both with a bemused expression the younger boy turned his attention to the long sheet of paper, Jon had thrust into his hand. I watched with amusement at Alan's features contorted into an expression of horror. Finishing, he looked unsure whether to laugh or weep. Composing his features into a carefully blank expression, he took a deep breath.

"Uh…well…it has some good…rhymes? I mean, I think you're improving!" he said, attempting to sound encouraging. His facial muscles twitched, as if he was unused to keeping his expression so empty. It was an impressive act, if I do say so myself. At least, I thought so. But Jonathon's face fell immediately.

"I knew it." He moaned bitterly, "It's rubbish. Delia will never love me at this rate."

Looking as if he was trying to resist rolling his eyes, Alan told him, "it's not that bad, you know. Just…take out the Ode to Her Bosom. Please. "

"You think?" Jon mused, "I rather liked that one" Alan winced visibly.

"Trust me on this one" he said.

"Alan" I asked him suddenly, " honestly, how do you think we're doing?" He eyed my carefully be fore answering.

"Gary, " he told me, as if weighing each word before saying it, " with all due respect, you're doomed."

"You're sure?"

"Positive, I'm afraid."

He was right. The time had come for Drastic Action.

TBC

AN: Dun Dun Dun! What will our heroes get up to next? Tune in next week to find out…when you review (because of course YOU WILL!) If anyone has ideas for oneshots, please give them to me… they must include: two characters, a place, and three random objects. They could be from any one of the tortall books. (Or even Harry potter, if you lean that way…) So…REVIEW!