Disclaimer: not mine. In case you were under the impression that I was, indeed tamora pierce and that this was all some clever plan to confuse all my fans.

AN: ok, so it's not up as soon as I would have liked, but hey, what can I say? I'm a lazy bum… oh, and anyone who's ever gone to one of those really snobby boutique stores and felt ridiculously out of place will definitely feel for our intrepid adventurers in this chapter!

Chapter 3: In Which there is too much Lace

"Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are not."

-Friedrich Nietzsche

The shop to which my bold cousin and I bravely ventured was an out of the way place in a building that could perhaps be tactfully described as "cosy". However, not even the most diplomatic person could describe it as tasteful in any way, shape, or form. Every square inch of it was painted an offensively bright shade of lavender; the windows were hung with gaudy lace drapes tied back with sizeable silk tassels. The clerks were attired in identical sky blue gowns, and matching vapid smiles. Half the room was crammed with various articles of lady's clothing, the other overflowing with jewellery cases, cosmetic displays, piles of shoes, and corsets made in seemingly every shape possible. Everything in the store seemed to be made out of the same material as the curtains. To say Jon and I felt mildly conspicuous would be putting it kindly. It was as if someone had just nominated my father for "eligible bachelor of the year". It was just too much hell to deal with. I thought so, anyways. Actually, Jon looked remarkably at ease. He was examining a pair of flimsy negligees critically, when a blond shopkeeper glided towards us, vacant expression firmly in place.

"May I help you gentlemen with anything?" she asked us.

"No! I mean, no, not at the moment." I muttered unintelligibly, my cheeks burning, "we're uh, just looking. Yes, that's right. We're…just browsing."

"Of course, sir," she continued smoothly, putting just enough condescending resonance on the "sir" to make it mocking without being flat-out rude. I would have been impressed, if I wasn't insulted. "Just to let you gentlemen know, we're having a sale on all our cosmetic products."

"Really?" Jon inquired coolly, "That's excellent. I need some things." He told the clerk, flashing me a barely visible wink. To my amazement, the clerk didn't bat an eye. Hiding our smirks, we turned away, poking through a pile of flimsy scarves. As we continued to search for Mithros knows what, Jon grabbed my arm and fixed me with a serious frown.

"Gary," he began distractedly, "I really don't know how to ask you this, but…have you ever wondered what Alan looked like in a dress?' before I could even begin to wonder what the correct answer to that could possibly be, he had turned, muttering something incomprehensible, and rushed out the doors.

We spent the majority of the walk back to the palace in silence, each contemplating our own thoughts. It was occurring to me that, perhaps I should have seen this coming. We'd all heard the rumours. This wasn't exactly cheering me up however. Having an heir who, well, "duelled for the other side", so to speak, could be considered a Very Bad Thing indeed. We continued on our way, my mind whirling with thoughts along similar lines. I wasn't sure I even wanted to know what Jon's thoughts were. Sometimes it's best not to know. But this was one time that I was going to have to ask.

"So, Jonathon…" I began casually, "just how are things on the Delia front anyways?"

"Actually," he responded glumly as we reached the palace gates, "they seem to be improving."

"So…Why aren't you thrilled?" I asked, heart pounding, hoping to mithros that the answer wasn't going to be "I prefer guys, to tell you the truth. incidentally, I'm in love with my squire, and I can't make it to the ball on Thursday, since we're running away to Carhtak in the morning. How about drinks on Tuesday at eight instead?" anything would be better than that.

"Well actually," he replied, "don't mention this to the other guys, but I may have my eye on someone else." I made some non-committal noise in the back of my throat as I felt my heart speed up painfully. "It's ironic really," he continued, "see, just when Delia starts paying attention to me, well… I lost interest, I guess…" please don't tell me its Alan, I prayed desperately. Or Raoul. Or Alex. Goddess, let it be some whore from the lower city, let it be Cythera, just don't let it be a man. And if it is, please, don't let it be me!

"Gary!" my cousin snapped, "are you listening to me? I told you, there's someone else!" he stopped in the hall, peering at my closely, "are you alright? You look a tad peaky."

"I heard…just it's a bit of a shock after you were so infatuated with Delia. I was surprised."

"You're telling me," he agreed reverently.

"So. Who is it?" I asked, gritting my teeth in anticipation of the answer. Silence met my query. "Hello? I asked you-"

"I can't tell you" he muttered, "you'd laugh. But Gary," he continued sounding upset, "you can't tell anyone! No one."

"Alright" I agreed. A thought struck me. "Does Alan know?"

"No!" Jon cried turning pale, a remarkable feat for someone with his colouring, "and he can't. At least, not yet."

"Just tell me," I began hesitantly, "is it…a girl?' to my considerable surprise and relief, he burst out laughing.

"Definitely!" He told me, grinning, "though perhaps not in the most orthodox or conventional sense of the word."

TBC

AN: and so, another chapter is finished… stay tuned for the next instalment…(tentatively titled In which Gary is stormed by a bizarre society) Please review! And tell me how you want this to end…in some ways I'd like a Gary-gets-the-girl story, but in others I think it's more realistic if he fails miserably…opinions please!

To My Highly Attractive And Intelligent Reviewers from last week:

Daine's twin: last I checked, I definitely not Australian…why did you think I was? Should I be flattered or offended? You're right, not much happened, but I have reason for it! Originally, it was part of this chapter, but it needed some serious work!

Sunkissed Guacamole: you obviously have excellent taste…lol! Thanks. You can't see it but I'm blushing madly over here! Not often I get called brilliant.

Jules: I have updated! (no shit, Sherlock…not you, me!) yes the shoe thing is an unexplained mystery, for now at least. It may resurface later. Or turn into a bizarre and random oneshot.